# wedding etiquette question



## JessicaMO620 (Sep 18, 2006)

My fiance got an invitation to a wedding a month or two ago (the wedding was two weeks ago) and he didnt rsvp, because, quite frankly, neither of us care for the bride (my fiance works with her, thats how we know her) she is kind of immature and hard to be around, and the groom she met on myspace (um, really). So when she came back a few days ago from her honeymoon she wouldnt speak to my fiance, at all. Finally he said told her that he really needed some paperwork from her and she threw it at him and yelled "when yall invite me to yalls wedding, I will not only come, I will also bring a present" 

!!!!!!!!!! :huh: :huh: 

Lol, okay, I didnt know that she was invited to our wedding... lol, I dont know who is at all, its not till december, so I havent really thought about it too much. 

Should we have at least sent a gift to her, even though we arent really fond of her, or supportive of a marriage to a man she has met only three times before they got married?? (like I said, she found him on myspace and he was serving in Iraq until about a week before their wedding)


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## Starsmom (Jan 31, 2009)

Hmmm, eventhough YOU don't like the bride or "approve of the marrige" you did recieve an invitiation. The invitation should have RSVP'd with a note of decline, and a gift should have followed.


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## theboyz (Jan 10, 2007)

Well, in my opinion you should have RSVP'd. "No you wouldn't be attending".
A card would have been appropriate, I don't think you needed to send a gift.

We have done several weddings and when people don't answer or send back the RSVP card it is very rude. A lot of work goes into planning, preparing, reception food etc. :smpullhair: 

When you have your wedding you will see what I mean. You too will be cursing those that were ignorant in responding.

I am not trying to be mean or disrespectful to you, just letting you know that it DOES matter if you take just a minute to mail the already stamped response card.

Hopes this helps you sort out this mess. An apology wouldn't hurt. :innocent:


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## beckybc03 (Jul 6, 2006)

I think that you should have sent in the RSVP card with "no" checked but I do not think that you should have sent a present. I know that proper etiquette says that you should send a present but honestly, if you do not like someone and they invite you to their wedding why do you need to send them a gift?? A similar situation happened to my boyfriend and I lately and I will most definitely not send a present. 

In our case the girl who was getting married was....my boyfriend's cousin's wife's sister! We are not friends with her and we barely know her! I mean isn't that a little far fetched?? To make matters worse, whenever we did see this girl she would follow my boyfriend around, touch him whenever she could and she told his whole family that she wanted to date him. Eddie and I have been together for 7 years and I find it insulting that she would say something like that. I mean obviously she's moved on but that just isn't classy!


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## I found nemo (Feb 23, 2006)

I also agree you should have at least responded and sent a congratulations wish :huh: 
I have been invited to many things and for people I could careless about, but out of respect for my family and myself I always responded.
I think your fiance owes them BOTH an apology . They also could have assumed you both were coming and paid for the plates :shocked: so they may have lost money also (I am just assuming here) 
It will work out, but next time just send the RSVP back with your answer.
Good Luck :biggrin:


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## godiva goddess (Nov 19, 2007)

I agree with everyone else who said you should have RSVPd "NO" and sent either a small present or at least a card. Whether their marriage was prudent or not is your own opinion and not the issue here. They extended a kind gesture to invite you and your fiance; the least you could have done is to politely decline in a timely fashion. It is common sense and courtesy to do so.


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## Bonnie's Mommie (Mar 2, 2006)

Sorry, but I agree with the others. Not necessarily send a gift but at least RSVP no. Especially to someone he works with, to keep the peace.


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## JessicaMO620 (Sep 18, 2006)

lesson learned! next time we will rsvp no (however she didnt send the invite to our house, she sent the invite to his parents house... we have no idea how she got that address, so we didnt even have the invite )

QUOTE (BeckyBC03 @ Mar 28 2009, 03:44 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=752845


> I think that you should have sent in the RSVP card with "no" checked but I do not think that you should have sent a present. I know that proper etiquette says that you should send a present but honestly, if you do not like someone and they invite you to their wedding why do you need to send them a gift?? A similar situation happened to my boyfriend and I lately and I will most definitely not send a present.
> 
> In our case the girl who was getting married was....my boyfriend's cousin's wife's sister! We are not friends with her and we barely know her! I mean isn't that a little far fetched?? To make matters worse, whenever we did see this girl she would follow my boyfriend around, touch him whenever she could and she told his whole family that she wanted to date him. Eddie and I have been together for 7 years and I find it insulting that she would say something like that. I mean obviously she's moved on but that just isn't classy![/B]



this sounds similar, lol, this girl works in the office of the oil company my fiance works for, he sees her maybe once every two weeks since he actually works out in the field. One day my fiance mentioned that he and i were going to eat somewhere that night and she showed up by herself and we felt bad and let her sit with us!! then she started randomly texting my fiance a few months ago asking him strange questions like "do you think I can live up to Tim (her fiance at that time) standards?" "what if he doesent think im beautiful" and stuff like that :blink: he very politely told her that this was something she should address to her fiance, not him and she still continued. Very Strange.


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

Well I happen to disagree with you. If you don't send back the RSVP it means you are not coming. Normally an RSVP mentions a date by which you have to respond. To be polite, you can send a congratulations card but by no means you have to send a gift to someone you know only casually. Even more so that you did not receive the invite directly.
QUOTE


> "when yall invite me to yalls wedding, I will not only come, I will also bring a present"[/B]


I consider this to be very rude and this statement implies that she invited you only to receive a gift.


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## JessicaMO620 (Sep 18, 2006)

QUOTE (MalteseJane @ Mar 28 2009, 05:44 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=752887


> Well I happen to disagree with you. If you don't send back the RSVP it means you are not coming. Normally an RSVP mentions a date by which you have to respond. To be polite, you can send a congratulations card but by no means you have to send a gift to someone you know only casually. Even more so that you did not receive the invite directly.
> QUOTE





> "when yall invite me to yalls wedding, I will not only come, I will also bring a present"[/B]


I consider this to be very rude and this statement implies that she invited you only to receive a gift.
[/B][/QUOTE]


See this is exactly what I thought too... about the RSVP and the yelling about coming to our wedding with a present... whenever my fiance told me this yesterday I just laughed it off, but I have been thinking about it more and more and questioning both min and her actions


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## Gail (Oct 14, 2007)

Here is a definition of RSVP. As you will see, it means respond if your please or please respond. It doesn't mean if I don't respond I'm not coming. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RSVP


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## CeeCee's Mom (Sep 14, 2006)

It is just good manners to RSVP when you receive an invitation. You do not have to attend at all, that is entirely up to you. It is just a nice thing to do. Since you didn't respond, don't beat yourself up about it. Just next time, you will know what to do. It was very bad manners to say what she did to your boyfriend.


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## pammy4501 (Aug 8, 2007)

Well, since you asked for opinions..
When you are invited to a wedding it is an 
honor, even if you do not care for that individual.
Hence the "Request the honor of your presence"
They are asking you to share in the biggest day of
thier lives to date. RSVP's are customarily included
in an invitation to help the couple plan the big day.
When you do start to plan your wedding you will see
why that is so important. Plate costs, seating charts
etc. are based on guests that will be attending. And
since they thought enough of you to invite you, at least
a small token gift should have been sent to the couple.
Since you asked.....


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## Reillies_mom (Jan 29, 2009)

Let me begin by saying that I am not Ms. Manners, I just try to go by the Golden Rule - "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" :flowers: 

It sounds to me like, from what she said to your fiancé that she was really upset about the present (or the lack thereof) because she specifically called it out. 
It also sounds like the invitation was sent to the 'wrong' address and you are not even sure how she got the address.........

This is just my opinion and i am certain that it is not in line with the official manners and etiquette book........ :brownbag: 

I would only assume that you were coming if you had sent the RSVP back to me stating that you were coming - if I did not get the RSVP back, I think you are not coming. I would not expect a gift, as a matter of fact - I think that to much emphasis is put on gifts, if I invite you to my wedding - that means I want you to share in my special day, share the experience with me, not bring me something. 

Personally, I would tell her that I am sorry if I offended her in any way :Flowers 2: - because obviously she thinks that there is more of a 'friendship' there than you were aware of. I would worry (if it were me) if I thought someone was hurt at me and I didn't do everything that I could to make it right. 
If she accepts - great! If she does not, your heart is satisfied that you tried. Again - this is just how I would handle the situation if it were mine. Hope everything works out! Bless you


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## kathym (Aug 5, 2006)

We live and learn,next time RSVP


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

QUOTE (Gail @ Mar 28 2009, 03:56 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=752897


> Here is a definition of RSVP. As you will see, it means respond if your please or please respond. It doesn't mean if I don't respond I'm not coming.
> 
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RSVP[/B]


Well I disagree with wikipedia. And since they base their definition on a french translation this is a new one to me. I am originally from France. I know the french language and if you put RSVP on an invitation it does not mean "Répondez s'il vous plait". It means "Réservez s'il vous plait" meaning Reservation please. That's what it has always meant to me anyway. 
Now when my daughter got married, she put a date in the invitation by which people should respond if they intended to attend. She also put a stamped return enveloppe with it. And she did not expect people to send a gift.


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## coco (Sep 20, 2006)

QUOTE (MalteseJane @ Mar 29 2009, 12:34 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=753069


> QUOTE (Gail @ Mar 28 2009, 03:56 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=752897





> Here is a definition of RSVP. As you will see, it means respond if your please or please respond. It doesn't mean if I don't respond I'm not coming.
> 
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RSVP[/B]


Well I disagree with wikipedia. And since they base their definition on a french translation this is a new one to me. I am originally from France. I know the french language and if you put RSVP on an invitation it does not mean "Répondez s'il vous plait". It means "Réservez s'il vous plait" meaning Reservation please. That's what it has always meant to me anyway. 
Now when my daughter got married, she put a date in the invitation by which people should respond if they intended to attend. She also put a stamped return enveloppe with it. And she did not expect people to send a gift.
[/B][/QUOTE]

I don't know what is done in France, but in the US, RSVP means to respond, whether it is yes or no, you respond. If someone only wants to know if you are not coming, they will put Regrets Only on the invitation. I'm surprised that so many people don't know these simple rules of etiquette. This is from Emily Post, which is a book on etiquette. http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/tips/invited_now_what.htm

1. RSVP. Immediately. 
RSVP is French for “please respond” (répondez s’il vous plaît). Your most important obligation as a guest is to respond to the invitation immediately, especially if you are unable to attend. At the very least, it allows your host and hostess enough time to give an accurate count to the caterer. There is usually a card to return with your reply. If not, you may write a formal reply or a note indicating your intention. 



2. Respect your invitation. 
Do not ask your host or hostess if you can bring a date or your children. The invitation will be addressed to the people invited. If you may bring a guest, your invitation will read “Mr. John Phelps and guest.” If your children are invited, they will either receive their own personal invitations or their names will be listed under yours on the envelope. This is not the time to question your host’s decision, to argue or to beg for an exception. And, please, do not add their names to a reply card or show up with them anyway! 



3. Send a gift. 
If you are invited to the ceremony and/or reception, you should send a gift, whether you are attending or not. Generally, gifts are sent to the bride in advance of the wedding. In some localities, gifts are brought to the reception and placed on a special table. If you hear from family that the couple would prefer a charitable donation—as in the case of an older couple or an encore wedding —please respect their wishes. If you receive an announcement after the wedding has taken place, you may send a gift if you wish, but you have no obligation to do so. It is nice to acknowledge the announcement with a card or a note expressing your best wishes.


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## princessre (Dec 23, 2008)

I feel conflicted on this topic...

On the one hand, modern life would be more beautiful and civilized if people were more considerate and thought about etiquette and manners. If we could live a slower life, write with quill, listen to Bach or Miles Davis, grow flowers, etc., that would be preferable for sure. Knowing what you know now, I'm sure you wished that you had RSVP'ed just to save this poor woman's feelings and also to escape the unfortunate confrontation.

On the other, these days people are unfortunately also inundated with all sorts of unwanted invitations and other "gestures" that are extended from people that are not really friends and family, with the purpose of binding you to some reciprocal gesture. It can be a full-time job just to keep up with invitations. 

I truly thought the definition of "RSVP" had evolved with the pace of modern life. As an example, hundreds of invitations sit in my mailbox just for one fashion week alone, printed on gorgeous stationery. I RSVP when I want to go. I don't open the invitation, let alone RSVP, until long after fashion week if I don't want to go. The only reason why I even open it after the fact is because I have some down time and sometimes gorgeous artwork is included inside the invite...No one is surprised that I do not show up when I do not RSVP and no one is surprised that I do not RSVP. 

It sounds like you two consider her barely an acquaintance. Even worse, sounds like she is a nuisance to you from your description. I'm also not sure whether you had the RSVP card in your possession to RSVP, since it was sent to your parents' house. Sounds like you are also annoyed that she Whitepaged your parents' address out of the blue? I would be. 

Ideally you would have RSVP'ed and ideally she would not yell at people in the office. Yelling is definitely rude.

p.s.: I'm not sure that the approval of their marriage should have anything to do with the question of whether or not to RSVP, but that may have been included as an amusing aside.


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

It all comes down to the circomstances. I don't think that the etiquette lady meant you to send a gift to somebody you barely know. 
Anyway, if I receive an invite from somebody I barely know, I am polite, I send a congratulations card. If it's somebody closer to me, I will thank her personally for the invite and tell her if I am not able to attend. I might send a gift but will definately send a card. The gift thing depends how close I am to the person.
Now if the invite comes, like in this case, through somebody else, forget it. Since it's a co-worker it would have been easy to get the address. She could have said "lessen I am getting married and I would like to send you an invite, would you mind giving me your address".


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## Gail (Oct 14, 2007)

QUOTE (princessre @ Mar 29 2009, 09:08 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=753131


> I feel conflicted on this topic...
> 
> On the one hand, modern life would be more beautiful and civilized if people were more considerate and thought about etiquette and manners. If we could live a slower life, write with quill, listen to Bach or Miles Davis, grow flowers, etc., that would be preferable for sure. Knowing what you know now, I'm sure you wished that you had RSVP'ed just to save this poor woman's feelings and also to escape the unfortunate confrontation.
> 
> ...



"Modern life" is no excuse for bad manners.


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## Carole (Nov 1, 2005)

In my opinion...since opinions were ...requested...

I ALWAYS return the RSVP either way. It is considered the proper thing to do. I know how expensive it can be *per plate * for a wedding :blink: as I did one for my daughter about fifteen years ago. If you don't give the courtesy of a reply (either way) the hostess must consider you might show up..... rather than not have enough food. This causes cost overrun $$$ for no good reason.

As far as a gift. Unless I go to the wedding I do not feel OBLIGATED to give a gift...unless I feel close to the couple (which I usually am and so I do). I would always send *at least *a card wishing them happiness though.

I would NEVER EVER yell and scream at anyone because they didn't RSVP and certainly NEVER for not sending a gift. 
One wrong  doesn't make another wrong ....right.

That is my 2 cents. :biggrin:


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## Deborah (Jan 8, 2006)

You definitely should have responded one way or the other. Since your fiancé works with her then he really does know her. I would have gotten a small gift. Don't lower yourself because this person has a lot to learn.


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## JessicaMO620 (Sep 18, 2006)

alright.. thanks for all the opinions... I have decided to send a card to them, congratulating them on the wedding and I am going to make a donation to our local humane society in their nams (and let them know in the card). I called and asked fiances parents and the invite was just addressed to my fiance, no guest or anything... but whatever, im tired of thinking about it so I am sending the card tomorrow... thanks everyone for the opinions!


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## k/c mom (Oct 9, 2004)

QUOTE (JessicaMO620 @ Mar 29 2009, 09:24 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=753469


> alright.. thanks for all the opinions... I have decided to send a card to them, congratulating them on the wedding and I am going to make a donation to our local humane society in their nams (and let them know in the card). I called and asked fiances parents and the invite was just addressed to my fiance, no guest or anything... but whatever, im tired of thinking about it so I am sending the card tomorrow... thanks everyone for the opinions![/B]


Not to prolong this since you are tired of it but just an FYI ... it is proper etiquette when inviting an engaged person, to send an invitation to their fiance, too.


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## theboyz (Jan 10, 2007)

Jessica, GREAT idea...donation to humane society. To me, that is a wonderful gift. :aktion033:


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## I found nemo (Feb 23, 2006)

QUOTE (theboyz @ Mar 30 2009, 06:57 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=753623


> Jessica, GREAT idea...donation to humane society. To me, that is a wonderful gift. :aktion033:[/B]


I agree and I am glad your doing what you are doing.. :grouphug:


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## Hunter's Mom (Dec 8, 2008)

I know most people have jumped in already but I will tell you (as a person currently involved in two weddings and who just got married one year ago). I think she was fishing for the gift. It apears that she works with your husband, she could have easily asked him for your address and sent it to the right place. Sending it to his parents place was 100% inappropriate unless she was also inviting them. Second, if she was really concerned, she would have asked you before the event whether you were coming or not. No one just assumes that people they haven't heard from are or aren't coming. I had to make several follow up calls for my wedding. Responses get lost in the mail shuffle, people forget to drop them off, etc. Third, do not feel like you have to invite her to the wedding - if she asks just state that it is a wedding for family and close friends. 

I would send a little card as you did - no gift is required. That is from the old days where people didn't have A and B lists for their weddings and wedding gifts didn't cost as much as they do.


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## mom2bijou (Oct 19, 2006)

I also feel you should always RSVP to an event you are invited to, even if you decline. As far as sending a gift even if you aren't attending....I have mixed feelings about this. I had a lot of people not come to our wedding and a good amount of them did not send a gift. However, there were a few people who did not attend, did not send a gift, and then invited us to their weddings shortly after. I thought that was VERY tacky to not send us a gift when they knew they would be inviting us to their own weddings.


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## JessicaMO620 (Sep 18, 2006)

Really, I wasnt planning on inviting her anyway, We are trying to keep it under 200 and thats hard cause I have a GIANT family. We werent even going to really register anywhere either because, both he and I had houses before we started dating, now we have lived together for about 6 months, and typically wedding presents are decorative items and small appliances... and we already have everything we need as far as that goes. We were planning on having our grandmothers and aunts (they like to talk  a lot) tell all of our family not to buy us anything...


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## carrie (Aug 24, 2004)

:smheat: am i glad i ELOPED!


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## I found nemo (Feb 23, 2006)

QUOTE (Carrie @ Mar 30 2009, 09:33 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=753676


> :smheat: am i glad i ELOPED![/B]


 :smrofl: :smrofl: :smrofl: :smrofl: :smrofl: :smrofl: :smrofl:


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## madden (Jan 15, 2009)

QUOTE (Carrie @ Mar 30 2009, 09:33 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=753676


> :smheat: am i glad i ELOPED![/B]


 :HistericalSmiley: :HistericalSmiley: :HistericalSmiley: 

This is why I'm definitely having a destination wedding and only inviting my very close family and friends.

I happy that you are sending a card to the married couple. The donation gift is an amazing idea!


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