# Should I go and have fun? Or listen to my parents?



## murphymomma (Nov 4, 2013)

Hello SM'ers 

I have a dilemma. My boyfriend and his parents have invited me to go to Indonesia with them for a family vacation and to visit their relatives (they are originally from Indonesia, but have lived in Canada for about 20 years). And I was very excited to go, until I told my parents and they freaked out. Now I am a 23 y/o living on my own since 20. Have graduated university, have a full time salary job, and my parents have not financially supported me for 3 years. My boyfriend is 26 and we have been together for 4 years. 

My parents are very republican and very uhh lets say untraveled. They have never really left mainland USA. They say that Indonesia is a super Muslim country, which it totally is but that does not scare me), and that they hate Americans (I'm originally from the USA, live in Canada for 5 years), and that I will be raped, beaten, attacked, murdered and God knows what else. And are extremely mad at me, my boyfriend, and his family for even considering that I travel there. 

Now my boyfriend and his family are very open and say that it used to be quite dangerous when they left 20 years ago, but it is not really anymore. Yes local customs must be observed, but they do not believe I am in any danger and would not invite me if they thought I would be. 

Now here is my dilemma. Do I do what I want and be an adult and defy my parents (I'm one of those kids that never did anything they didn't want me to do.) and finally be an independent adult and just deal with the consequences of them being mad at me and my boyfriend. Or do I cancel my ticket and stay home and make them happy? 

I hate being put in the positions, its not fun, and its pretty much tearing me apart. Either way someone is upset or not happy. 

Thanks for your widsom, sorry if it seems trivial.

Oh and plans have already been made for little Murphy. He is staying with close friends of ours, and has done a few practice weekends with them and is all set and happy!

Sarah


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## Ann Mother (Dec 18, 2013)

Hmm this is a hard one. I'm a democrat & do not think being republican has anything to do with it. Be aware of the travel warnings there. I looked them up on the government web site. Trouble is Americans stick out in foreign countries. Must be our demeanor & our mixed heritage. My daughter was going surfing trip with my brother ( they never did) but the possibility scared me. Too bad ticket already bought. You loose either way but your parents will forgive you if you return safe.


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## IzzysBellasMom (Jan 16, 2013)

I say if the only reason you are thinking about not going is to please your parents, then you should go. But if you are also worried about how dangerous it may be, then maybe you should rethink it.


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## Charlie'sMom (May 12, 2012)

Sarah, I'm no expert on foreign affairs.
I think each country has safe places to travel and hang around and the places, that need to be avoided.

Do you know, what region you plan on visiting?
Here's some list of dangerous regions in Indonesia (issued by U.K Government):
"You should exercise caution when travelling to Aceh, Central Sulawesi Province (especially Palu, Poso and Tentena), Maluku Province (especially Ambon), Papua and West Papua Province due to potential for violence or violent conflict."

Now I know a lot of people, who traveled to Indonesian tourist locations like Bali and so and they had times of their lives.

I think you are mainly conflicted about not listening to your parents and going against their will. As much as I love and respect my family, I made a lot of decision against their will....I was always a "good girl" in my family, so they kind of got used to telling me, what to do and if I decided to go a different direction, they would get surprised and upset. Eventually they just learned, it's time to let me make my own decisions and deal with consequences.

I would say your main concern should be not pleasing your parents, but determining, if it's really safe to go.
I would definitely do some research on the places you plan to go, but to say you will be raped and goodness what else without really knowing the region, is very old-fashioned.
If you decide to go, I would print the research, take it to your parents and very calmly try to discuss the whole matter. Sometimes all it takes is a good and honest talk.
Your boyfriend's family knows their country and you know them long enough for you to determine, if they can be trusted. I ask what kind of parents would put their own son to a grave danger, right?

I'm from Eastern Europe and during the Cold War era it wasn't the best place to live, BUT the times have changed, the governments changed and now Slovakia is a WONDERFUL place to go for a vacation or to live.

But this is only my opinion. 
Whatever you decide, I wish you best of luck and safe travels in a case you go.


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## murphymomma (Nov 4, 2013)

I only say that they are Republican, because since 9/11 they think that every foreign brown person is probably a terrorist. Just very closed minded. And now they are laying on guilt trips and everything thing they can think of trying to manipulate me to do what they want. And it is just so hard to deal with. I have already traveled lots, Ireland, England, Scotland, Costa Rica, Mexico, PR, and never had any problems ever. And all those trips we backpacked everywhere. I'm sorry I just needed someone to rant and vent too to help me make up my mind and feel better. 

Thank you for answering me


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## murphymomma (Nov 4, 2013)

Katie, Thank you for your advice, it means a lot to me. 

I have done quite a lot of research on where we are going to be, and none of those regions are in the high alert status. We will mostly be in Jakarta, Bali, and Lombok. I'm not worried about my safety, just the consequences of upsetting my parents and having them mad at me, my boyfriend and his family. His parents have been back many times and say that there is really no danger to me at all, and they wouldn't invite me if they thought they were putting my in harms way. My only real worry is the long flight there and getting motion sickness! 

I just hate upsetting my parents, especially my mom, and can't believe the things she says to me to get me to do what she wants. It really is breaking my heart.


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## pippersmom (May 21, 2012)

Sometimes parents have a hard time remembering that their children are no longer little kids that they can tell what you can and can't do. Just keep in mind that no matter what they say and how angry you may get, they are only doing this because they love you and want to keep you safe. To them you will always be their LITTLE GIRL. With that said, you ARE an adult now and are capable of making your own decisions so I say to trust your gut instinct. If you feel like this place is perfectly safe, then go but if you have any doubt then trust your instinct. I would sit down with your parents and tell them you understand they just want you to be safe but you are not a little girl any more and have to make your own decisions. 
I can totally understand how your parents feel, I have 4 grown kids and I worry about them all the time, but I also know I can't control them, they are adults now.


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## Charlie'sMom (May 12, 2012)

murphymomma said:


> Katie, Thank you for your advice, it means a lot to me.
> 
> I have done quite a lot of research on where we are going to be, and none of those regions are in the high alert status. We will mostly be in Jakarta, Bali, and Lombok. I'm not worried about my safety, just the consequences of upsetting my parents and having them mad at me, my boyfriend and his family. His parents have been back many times and say that there is really no danger to me at all, and they wouldn't invite me if they thought they were putting my in harms way. My only real worry is the long flight there and getting motion sickness!
> 
> I just hate upsetting my parents, especially my mom, and can't believe the things she says to me to get me to do what she wants. It really is breaking my heart.


Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry to read this...I know, it's hard, but your parents must learn they do not own you. Yes, you are their daughter and you love them, but it's your life and nobody else can live it for you or shouldn't even try.
Your parents may get upset (and they probably will), but they'll get over it.
I don't think they will stop loving you just because you went for a vacation.

Tell them you love them dearly, you respect them, but you will not fear them and you will not be pushed into decisions just to make them happy.
You need to be respectful, but firm....otherwise you will go through your life being afraid to make your own decisions.
Ask them, if they trust the way they brought you up so little, that they do not think you are capable and responsible enough to decide for yourself...

Let me know, how it went.....and go, if you you really want to go. BTW, it's a great way to learn the culture of your "maybe future" husband.

Hugs,

Katie.


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## Ann Mother (Dec 18, 2013)

Go to your doctor & get a prescription for scopolamine patches. These work very well. Trains even make me sick. Put the patch on behind your ear before you leave. Each patch lasts two days. They are very little. Best if applied before experiencing symptoms.


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## Summergirl73 (Sep 18, 2011)

murphymomma said:


> I only say that they are Republican, because since 9/11 they think that every foreign brown person is probably a terrorist. Just very closed minded.


Just wanted to say that not every "Republican" thinks this way and is closed minded. Please be careful not to stereotype and assume that ones political beliefs imply a racist mentality and or the fact that this would also make one close minded or anything less than a free thinker. Ones political beliefs are just that - politically based. 

In regards to your trip, I believe you've been given excellent information in the previous posts. Do your research and determine what you believe is a safe vs. an unsafe situation. I'm sure your parents are trying hard to protect their child and are coming at this from a place of love, so if you decide to go on the trip, I hope you will be patient with them and their fears.


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## Charlie'sMom (May 12, 2012)

Ann Mother said:


> Go to your doctor & get a prescription for scopolamine patches. These work very well. Trains even make me sick. Put the patch on behind your ear before you leave. Each patch lasts two days. They are very little. Best if applied before experiencing symptoms.
> 
> 
> Sent from Petguide.com Free App


LOL, Pat....I started to read your reply and at first I thought you recommend those patches for the parents to put on to calm down...lol....then I realized those for a motion sickness. Jeez, what is wrong with me...:blink:?


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## MalteseObsessed (Mar 7, 2010)

I would recommend traveling the world if opportunity exists! You are young and to see parts of the world now is fantastic. Especially since you will be with a family originally from Indonesia. If just you and your boyfriend were embarking on this adventure -- well my answer to your question might be different.

You may find that you LOVE it there, or you may find that you'll never want to visit again?!...who knows...

It would be cool if you DO GO, if you bring back some stories and pictures!! Good luck in your decision!


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## murphymomma (Nov 4, 2013)

Katie, 

Thank you again for all your kind words and advice. I have already tried to calmly and respectfully tell them I am an adult and capable of making my own decisions and will not be manipulated by threats and guilt trips, but they just call me a child and immature enough to make any decisions. (this is over the phone as they live in the USA and i'm in Canada) I will continue to try to reason with them and take your advice. Thank you very much for taking the time to help me. I have a feeling i'm just going to go even though they are mad, I have to be an adult someday and not always do what they want. I don't believe I am in danger there.

Bridget, 
I sincerely apologize. I shouldn't have used the term Republican like that. And you are completely correct that I should not stero-type them. I apologize. I am just upset and very wrongly used the wrong word to describe them. They are just very close minded when it comes to traveling and other cultures, and i'm just not that way at all. I love to travel and meet new people. I can't seem to get them to understand or open there minds about matters like these. Again I apologize.

Pat! Thank you! I will call my doctor and see if he thinks it will help me out!

I'm sorry guys, i'm not sure how to do the quote text thing properly.


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## Ann Mother (Dec 18, 2013)

Charlie'sMom said:


> LOL, Pat....I started to read your reply and at first I thought you recommend those patches for the parents to put on to calm down...lol....then I realized those for a motion sickness. Jeez, what is wrong with me...:blink:?




I have a big problem with motion sickness. It is much better since had my crystals realigned. 
Katie I do not feel anything will help calm them down until she gets back. But they will.


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## silverhaven (Sep 6, 2009)

I also feel at your age you make your own informed decision on where you feel comfortable travelling to. I have 3 "kids" now 26, 30 and 31. Once they left home I would make suggestions but that was it. They did what they wanted. Two of them moved to teach in china for a year, all have travelled extensively, like you. Nice that you still listen to them and respect their wishes, but you are a grown up.


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## Summergirl73 (Sep 18, 2011)

murphymomma said:


> Bridget,
> I sincerely apologize. I shouldn't have used the term Republican like that. And you are completely correct that I should not stero-type them. I apologize. I am just upset and very wrongly used the wrong word to describe them. They are just very close minded when it comes to traveling and other cultures, and i'm just not that way at all. I love to travel and meet new people. I can't seem to get them to understand or open there minds about matters like these. Again I apologize. QUOTE]
> 
> Thank you, I understand. I love to travel also and I'm a Gemini with a free-spirit....trust me I get it lol  . It's not easy going against your family that you love and who love you so much....so I don't envy your situation. I hope you will be able to reassure them in some way .... if you decide you want to go on this journey.


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## Dominic (Nov 4, 2012)

I'll give you a quick opinion and will ignore the republican or brown comments as this bothers me way too much. 

You said you live on your own and support yourself for over 3 years, right? Your plans to travel to Indonesia involves your boyfriend for over 4 years and his parents, right? It is time to be a grown up and face the consequences of your choices, choices that knowing all the aspects involved on those decisions, can and should be made by you as you will be the one handling your parents. If it were me, I would be packing and sending my mom postal cards with happy pictures all the way over Indonesia but I am not afraid of other cultures, I don't see difference in people's skin color and I do lots of research before embracing something new. 

Good luck.


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## pammy4501 (Aug 8, 2007)

yes, agree. It has nothing to do with political affiliation, but probabaly more parental protectiveness. I have one very nomadic daughter. There have been times I was a little worried, but my excitement for her was greater! I say go and live your life. Have grand experiences! They will stay with you for your lifetime!


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## spookiesmom (Mar 28, 2010)

If you allow them to interfere with this trip now, what else would they want to butt in? How you raise any future kids? They sound a bit too controlling, I can see more and bigger problems in the future. Stand firm and GO


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## mdbflorida (Feb 28, 2013)

Personally, it really is how you feel about foreign travel these days in areas that could cause concern. I use to travel a lot all over the place. These days I just don't do it. It is not just the countries but what can happen in the air. Look at the Malaysia Air disaster recently.


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## Matilda's mommy (Jun 1, 2005)

ok I think your mom and dad are just worried about you, they watch the news and are fearful for you. I have to say if it were one of my kids I would be fearful and would share how scared I would be, BUT I am a firm believer that once your child leaves home they are own their own, I'm always their for them and won't say a word how I really feel UNLESS they ask me, and then they sometimes get a earful lol
All we can do really is PRAY for safety for our kids, we can't CONTROL them.
Whatever you decide on please when you can check in on sm I'll be praying for you and would like to know how you are doing.

I do have to say what a experience to have, wow


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## Matilda's mommy (Jun 1, 2005)

Just want to add unless you are a mom you will never know that kind of love we have for our kids, I will always worry about my 4 grown kids (adults) they will always be my babies:heart: I do believe that once your child leaves the nest (home) you have done your best, you have helped them to fly on their own in this big world that isn't always as good as you might think, at that time all you can do is celebrate their good times and pray them through the bad ones, but always be their for them. Please don't be upset with your mom and dad, just be thankful you have a mom and dad that love you and care about you, so many now days only wish they had a parent who cares


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## Sylie (Apr 4, 2011)

I have spent hours digesting your post from every angle. I wouldn't be afraid to go to Bali. Jakarta might give me a moment of pause. But when I was your age I would have jumped at the opportunity....and I may have found myself in deep poop. 
All I can say, is do your research, and make your decision intelligently, not emotionally. If what you decide goes against your anxious parents...so be it. It will actually be a karmic benefit to your parents if you do not allow them to suppress you.

I know a few members got upset when you described your parents as "Republican", but I understood. You could have said "conservative" and that may have been more "politically correct." I am so over hedging around for the sake of political correctness....but then, I am not a Republican nor a Democrat. 

Make your decision based on facts. If your parents do not approve, well, so be it...the way of evolution is that children should...must...be more powerful in thought process than their parents. Evolution demands that you see more clearly than your parents...and that you proceed in the path you see. Go forward. Blow a kiss goodbye, if necessary, but go forward.


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

Matilda's mommy said:


> Just want to add unless you are a mom you will never know that kind of love we have for our kids, I will always worry about my 4 grown kids (adults) they will always be my babies:heart: I do believe that once your child leaves the nest (home) you have done your best, you have helped them to fly on their own in this big world that isn't always as good as you might think, at that time all you can do is celebrate their good times and pray them through the bad ones, but always be their for them. Please don't be upset with your mom and dad, just be thankful you have a mom and dad that love you and care about you, so many now days only wish they had a parent who cares


Yes our grown kids will always be our babies and we will never stop worrying about them. But we need to let them fly on their own.


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## Matilda's mommy (Jun 1, 2005)

MalteseJane said:


> Yes our grown kids will always be our babies and we will never stop worrying about them. But we need to let them fly on their own.


:thumbsup: that's just what I said


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## The A Team (Dec 1, 2005)

Your parents love you and even though you are all grown up, you will always be their baby. To some of us, the middle east is a scary place...from all the stories we've heard,etc. If I were your mother, I would be concerned. 

I guess you need to do what you feel you need to do, but again....as a mother....I would be scared for you. All we have to go on is what we've heard in the news. 

How long of a trip is it? I'm assuming that area is at peace? what are the local customs? 

....I think I watch too many movies.....:blush:


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## murphymomma (Nov 4, 2013)

Hi everyone,

I just wanna say thank you to everyone for all of your honest advice, thoughts, and encouragement. It has helped me tremendously find my way through this hard decision. I have read and reread all the responses and they have given me great courage and helped me stay strong in my decision. 

I did all the research I could possibly do. Sought out travelers on different sites that have traveled there and learned about their experiences as well. Everyone has been very honest and direct with me, and I appreciate it. I also had very long conversations with my brother who is basically my best friend and my close Aunt who have helped me stay strong with my decision. 

I have decided I am going to go, even against my parents wishes. I tried very very hard to have a calm and respectful conversation with them. My dad listened and understood that I am capable of making my own decisions now, even he does not like them. My mother did not. I tried very hard to make her understand, but in the end she could not. She is currently not speaking to me, and that was her decision. I told her I will always love her and I was ready to talk to her whenever she wanted. She also threatened that my boyfriend was not welcome to her house anymore. I don't think she is serious. She is just trying to get me to change my mind, but i'm not going to let her scare me and guilt me anymore. I hope she changes her mind when we return, and I will try and repair things as much I can when we get back.

My boyfriends parents have also called my dad and explained our entire itinerary and travel plans with him, also that I am going to register my trip and itinerary with the US consulate in Indonesia in any case of emergency. 

I feel horrible about the whole situation, and my boyfriend keeps saying I don't have too, that I didn't do anything wrong, but having family upset with you is difficult. 

But i'm just going to get excited and fuss over what to pack and have fun. We leave May 10th and return on the 27th. I will definitely post again before we leave and will post many pictures when we get back. 

Thanks again times a million for everyone's help and support. I really appreciate it all the kind words everyone had for me.

XO


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## Charlie'sMom (May 12, 2012)

Sarah, I'm happy you were able to reach a decision and have a good talk with your dad at least. I think it's a step forward. Your mom will come around...
It's great, that your dad could speak with your boyfriend's parents - I think that sealed the deal with him.

I hope you have a WONDERFUL time, that you will thoroughly enjoy this experience and will stay safe. Please take a LOT of pictures, so you can post them here later on :thumbsup:.....I so want to see Bali - especially now, when it's drizzling outside (yet again :angry....:w00t:....

Hugs,

Katie & Charlie.


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## Ann Mother (Dec 18, 2013)

Sarah happy for you. Your Mom will come around especially after your Dad works on her. She will let your boyfriend come over if she wants to see you. It's lonely thing to be angry. But most importantly have fun and do not worry about things you cannot change. 


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## shellbeme (Mar 1, 2011)

murphymomma said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I just wanna say thank you to everyone for all of your honest advice, thoughts, and encouragement. It has helped me tremendously find my way through this hard decision. I have read and reread all the responses and they have given me great courage and helped me stay strong in my decision.
> 
> ...


I am so proud of you. For YEARS my life was at a stand still because I was trying to please my mother. It is so difficult to go against their wishes even when we are out on our own.

I completely understood and was not at all offended by your original post. I think it is absolutely beautiful that your boyfriends parents love you enough to include you on their family vacation and want to share their history and culture with you. How awesome is that? You don't see that every day. I don't know anyone who has gone to Indonesia and having been a military brat, I know people who have been all over  

Do it, have fun! Learn what you can and DO NOT feel one bit guilty. Your boyfriend is so right-you did nothing wrong, nothing at all. You diserve to have a fantastic time!


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## Chardy (Oct 30, 2008)

I am proud of you that you made the decision that was right for you. I am a worry wort and certainly can understand your mom's views so I could not comment on this thread because I would have been one of the ones that would have said, wait and go some other time. Our insecurities can hold back... My oldest daughter choose to back pack Europe after Law School Graduation... I did support her decision but there wasn't a day that I didn't worry. 

I really have started to pay more attention to the "Law of Attraction" so think positive and enjoy yourself. Don't worry mom will be just fine later.


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## nwyant1946 (Jan 2, 2013)

Ann Mother said:


> I have a big problem with motion sickness. It is much better since had my crystals realigned.
> Katie I do not feel anything will help calm them down until she gets back. But they will.
> 
> 
> Sent from Petguide.com Free App


 I can't ride in the backseat of a car to this day. I also can't ride a train, or the monorail at Disneyworld facing the wrong direction. I have to sit in the same direction that we're traveling or I will become sick very fast...LOL I was a real joy to take on trips as a child. My mother saved shopping bags for weeks before we went anywhere...


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## Sylie (Apr 4, 2011)

Good for you Murphy. You should talk to my son and learn how to guilt your mother out of "guilting" you. He is a pro. 

I find your spirit adventurous, but measured with intelligence. Your mother should be proud of you.


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## Matilda's mommy (Jun 1, 2005)

murphymomma said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I just wanna say thank you to everyone for all of your honest advice, thoughts, and encouragement. It has helped me tremendously find my way through this hard decision. I have read and reread all the responses and they have given me great courage and helped me stay strong in my decision.
> 
> ...



Sarah, I do feel your mom isn't handling this right, she is only going by her emotions and not looking at the whole picture. I was surprised she said your boyfriend wouldn't be welcome in her home if you went:w00t: oh my gosh what is she thinking, it would make anyone do just the exact opposite. I think you might be more grown up then she is lol I would never tell any of my kids that I would not speak to them, my gosh life is to short, just what if something did happen she would never be able to live with herself for acting the way she is. Just sayin
She loves you but hasn't learned that she CAN'T control your life. She will eventually learn that you have your life to live, good or bad it's your life. I wish you the best.
I knew you were going to go on this trip, I think you will be ok, do check in with the US consulate, have a wonderful time, stay safe, I'm looking forward to hearing all about your adventures. HAVE FUN


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

murphymomma said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I just wanna say thank you to everyone for all of your honest advice, thoughts, and encouragement. It has helped me tremendously find my way through this hard decision. I have read and reread all the responses and they have given me great courage and helped me stay strong in my decision.
> 
> ...


Your mom is trying to blackmail you. This is not something to do. I would never do this to my daughter. Once you come back, she will come around and be sorry. Be ready to forgive her. I think you made the right decision. I have a friend who travels all over the world and has always been safe but she goes with organized groups. Honestly it would not be right for me to tell you not to go. I left France for the first time when I was 22 years old to follow my husband to Iran. We drove from Teheran (Iran) to Mersin (Turkey) in 1966. It was an adventure. Our only weapon was a kitchen knife. And we were told not to stop in case of an accident and go to the next police station. Thank goodness we did not have one. If our parents would have known what we did, they would have worried themselves sick. But in 1966 there were no cell phones, barely phones and not much info on tv about what was going on in the world. At the time we did this we thought that 30 or 40 years later this road would be a breeze to do. We were so wrong. It is more dangerous to do this road today than at the time we did it. You have done all your research, you go with a family who is from there. They know the area. I think if you don't go, you will regret it later on and maybe be resentful against your family to keep you from going. So have fun, make a lot of pictures and share them with us when you are back.


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## Julia W (Apr 15, 2014)

Do what feels right to you. Bali is one place that scares the you know what out of me and when my son was going on Schoolies in 2012 I spent the whole time on tenderhooks. But ... I would not take the opportunity away from him. He came home so happy and with wonderful stories to share and memories. Yes, I was scared, but I don't want him to be retiring and have never had a holiday ... ever ... in 60 years. I imagine your boy friend and his parents would be with you the whole time and keep you safe?


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## murphymomma (Nov 4, 2013)

Thanks again everyone for all your kind words and well wishes! It makes me so happy and helps me stay strong in my decision. I have a packing list all sorted out and am going shopping tomorrow to get some new clothes and couldn't be more excited 

My mother still has not spoken to me since I have told her my decision. I haven't tried to force into talking to me, I just hope she will before we leave. I did however already arrange a flower delivery for Mother's Day when we are gone. So hopefully that will get her talking. 

Julia, my boyfriend's family will be with the entire time and we are mostly staying in his relatives homes. They say they won't let me out of their sight! 

Thanks again everyone! I will keep you all updated!! 
have a great weekend!!


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