# Joke



## Elegant

An elderly man in North Carolina owned a large farm for several 
years.He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoecourt 
and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up 
for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he had 
not been there for awhile, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon 
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting 
and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch! of young 
women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and 
they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not 
coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim 
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, 
"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast

~Elegant


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## k/c mom

That's cute!!


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## littlepeanut




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## clharter




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## carrie

OMG thats funny!!









-c


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## rubyjeansmom




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## puppylucy




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## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

CUTE! CUTE! CUTE!








My grandpa will LOVE that one...although I am a TERRIBLE joke teller!


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## Elegant

I thought it was very clever. Sneaky men!!!! :lol: 

~Elegant


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## snoopychan

:lol:


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## sheila2182

Love it







Thanks for th good laugh


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## ConnieVa

Love the joke!!!!!


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## Scoobydoo

-_- -_-


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## k/c mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 8 2005, 10:36 AM
> *And yet another one
> 
> An old man, a boy & a donkey were going
> to town. The boy rode on the donkey &
> the old man walked. As they went along
> they passed some people who remarked
> it was a shame the old man was walking
> & the boy was riding. The man & boy
> thought maybe the critics were right,
> so they changed positions.
> 
> 
> 
> Later, they passed some people that remarked,
> "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
> They then decided they both
> would walk! Soon they passed some
> more people who thought they were
> stupid to walk when they had a decent
> donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
> 
> 
> 
> Now they passed some people that
> shamed them by saying how awful to put
> such a load on a poor donkey.
> The boy & man said they were
> probably right, so they decided
> to carry the donkey. As
> they crossed the bridge, they lost
> their grip on the animal & he fell
> into the river and drowned.
> 
> 
> 
> The moral of the story?
> If you try to please everyone, you might as well,
> 
> 
> 
> Kiss your ass good-bye!!!!!!!!!
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=70461*


[/QUOTE]

Oh, that is great and SO TRUE!!!!


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## littlepeanut

I got this email a couple of days ago and it gave me a good laugh.










Three women--one German, one Japanese and a Hillbilly--were sitting naked in a sauna. 

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager" she said. " I have a microchip under the skin of my arm. 

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." 

The Hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. 

She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. 

The Hillbilly woman finally said...."Well, will you look at that, I'm gettin' a fax."


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## Scoobydoo

Good one


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## k/c mom

That was hysterical!!!









I LOVE this thread!!!! Let's keep it going with joke after joke after joke. I don't know about you guys but I sure do need a good laugh......


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## littlepeanut

That was great Janet


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## k/c mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 8 2005, 09:22 PM
> *Thanks :lol:
> 
> Here's another one, now you have me going
> 
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> A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
> great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her
> how she liked the experience.
> "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
> all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
> each other over 25 cents."
> 
> Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
> 
> "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
> game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
> quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=70726*


[/QUOTE]


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## littlepeanut

Janet, where do you get these from?!?!?


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## Scoobydoo

I thought so too






















Perhaps I should have put it in that post









LittlePeanut, I get so many in emails each day, but some of them are really not suitable to post in here, I would probably get into trouble, but I will try to sort them out and put the reasonable ones in. I love a good laugh, and I also enjoy making others laugh, it is great therapy.


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## littlepeanut

Cool!! Keep 'em coming, I always need a good laugh!


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## Scoobydoo

I will put some more in tomorrow, I am off to put my feet up, we had some nasty storms today and I am tired. Couple of tornadoes about the area today. No one hurt though thank God.


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 9 2005, 08:30 AM
> *Joke for today, hope it is not too naughty
> 
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> A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse
> appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
> 
> "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
> 
> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
> 
> He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
> 
> Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other.  Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
> 
> The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
> 
> A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?''
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=70827*


[/QUOTE]


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## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

Ok- so I just went back and re-read the entire thread...at first I only read the last joke!!!

You are a HOOT!







Where do you GET all these!!! Hilarious!


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## littlepeanut

Always good to start the day with a laugh


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## k/c mom

I'm sitting here laughing out loud!!!


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## k/c mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 8 2005, 09:26 PM
> *Hope this one isn't too naughty
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
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> 
> 
> 
> A man walked into a supermarket with his Zipper down.
> A lady cashier walked up to him and said "Your barracks door is
> open."    Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way
> looking a bit puzzled.
> When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is
> open."
> He zipped up and finished his shopping.  At the checkout, he
> intentionally got in the line  where the lady was that told him about
> his "barracks door."
> He was planning to have a little fun with her so when he reached the
> counter he said,
> "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in
> there at attention?"
> The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and
> said,
> "No, no I didn't.  All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a
> couple of old duffel bags.
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=70728*


[/QUOTE]

You're killing me with laughter!!!!!!


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## puppylucy

i loved the rearranged letters one!!

everything was hilarious


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## littlepeanut

More!!!!


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## Scoobydoo

> _Originally posted by scrappy_@Jun 9 2005, 07:32 PM
> *
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> Oh Janet.  You are becoming the resident SM comedian. LOL
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> Scrappy said to tell Scooby he can borrow his disclaimer anytime
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> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=71078*


[/QUOTE]

What do ya mean????? Scooby is like me he just loves to make people laught too


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## MalteseJane

You made my day


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## k/c mom

All those are soooo funny!!!!!


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## Scoobydoo

That goes both ways Bren


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## sheila2182

Keep them coming!You help us all to laugh,something we all need to do more often!


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## Scoobydoo

Oh I will, but I have to wait for the not so naughty ones to come in or Joe might put a gag on me


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## Scoobydoo

> _Originally posted by scrappy_@Jun 9 2005, 08:46 PM
> *I have to stop coming here laughing out loud when you are supposed to be doing the accounts is not a good thing
> 
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> Luv yah Janet.
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> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=71116*


[/QUOTE]


Ya know Bren if someone walked by and saw you sitting there laughing on your own they might think you have lost it






















I luv you too my bestest friend


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## littlepeanut

I LOVE this thread!


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## puppylucy




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## rubyjeansmom

This is great....I love it!!!


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## k/c mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 10 2005, 07:38 AM
> *I don't know if this will work but it is a bit of fun  :lol:
> 
> 
> Have you ever gone to bed at night and had all of your icons on your desktop where you want them only to discover that the next morning they have moved? Ever wonder what happened to make them move? Well I have the answer right here.. Just click on this link and it will tell you exactly what has happened.
> 
> http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=71237*


[/QUOTE]

Very clever!!!!


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## k/c mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 10 2005, 08:38 AM
> *This one was sent to me by a male of course :lol:
> 
> The Definition of True Bravery
> 
> True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out
> with the boys, being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife
> and still having the guts to ask...
> 
> "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=71253*


[/QUOTE]

That's funny!!!!


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## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 10 2005, 07:38 AM
> *This one was sent to me by a male of course :lol:
> 
> The Definition of True Bravery
> 
> True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out
> with the boys, being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife
> and still having the guts to ask...
> 
> "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=71253*


[/QUOTE]


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## littlepeanut




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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## LexiAndNikkisMom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 10 2005, 09:19 AM
> *Ok, here's a bit of a test for yas, try it it's fun :new_Eyecrazy:
> 
> 
> http://www.njagyouth.org/colortest.swf
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=71298*


[/QUOTE]
Haha! I only got 50% on the first try. I got 88% on the second try.


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## littlepeanut

I took a cognitive process class in college and all we did was play little games like that and look at optical illusions. I loved that class!


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## puppylucy

i got 88% the first try!

fun.


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## littlepeanut

"Go get your mother"


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## k/c mom

> _Originally posted by scrappy+Jun 11 2005, 10:45 AM-->
> 
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> <!--QuoteBegin-littlepeanut
> 
> Click to expand...
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> @Jun 12 2005, 12:35 AM
> *
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> "Go get your mother"
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> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=71588*
Click to expand...


ROFL








<div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=71597
[/B][/QUOTE]

That was a great one!!!


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## sheila2182

> _Originally posted by Kallie/Catcher's Mom+Jun 11 2005, 09:50 AM-->
> 
> 
> 
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> 
> Originally posted by [email protected] 11 2005, 10:45 AM
> *<!--QuoteBegin-littlepeanut*
> 
> Click to expand...
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> Click to expand...
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> _
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> *@Jun 12 2005, 12:35 AM
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> "Go get your mother"
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> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=71588*
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> ROFL
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> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=71597*
Click to expand...

*
*[/QUOTE]

That was a great one!!!






















<div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=71599
[/B][/QUOTE]


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## sheila2182

There was an old farmer that stocked his big pond with fish. One day he took his bucket of food down to feed the fish.As he got closer to the pond he couold see several ladies swimming in it. When he got there one of the ladies called out...Dont come any closer,we are all naked and please dont kick us out,its so hot we just wanted to cool off. The old farmer thought for a second and replyed...Ladies ,I didnt come down here to kick you out or see naked ladies,I came down here to feed the alligators!!!!


Pretty quick thinking for an old guy dont ya think


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## Scoobydoo

> _Originally posted by sheila2182_@Jun 11 2005, 12:10 PM
> *There was an old farmer that stocked his big pond with fish. One day he took his bucket  of food down to feed the fish.As he got closer to the pond he couold see several ladies swimming in it. When he got there one of the ladies called out...Dont come any closer,we are all naked and please dont kick us out,its so hot we just wanted to cool off.  The old farmer thought for a second and replyed...Ladies ,I didnt come down here to kick you out or see naked ladies,I came down here to feed the alligators!!!!
> 
> 
> Pretty quick thinking for an old guy dont ya think
> 
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> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=71631*


[/QUOTE]


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## rubyjeansmom

That's funny!!!!


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## littlepeanut

I love it!!!!!!


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## sheila2182




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## Teddyandme

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male 
statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down 
and I'll crap on it's head."


































































Susan


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## littlepeanut




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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## littlepeanut




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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## littlepeanut

Janet, I look foward to these everyday!!!


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## rubyjeansmom

I do too!-I just wish I could remember them!!


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## k/c mom

Oh, that was soooo funny!!!! Thanks!!


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## k/c mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 14 2005, 08:44 PM
> *<span style="font-family:Optima">Here ya go then</span>
> 
> I did have to edit this one a little bit....
> 
> 
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> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=72647*


[/QUOTE]

It was still great!!


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## k/c mom




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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## k/c mom




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## Scoobydoo

:lol:


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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## rubyjeansmom

Keep them coming!!


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## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by Kallie/Catcher's Mom_@Jun 14 2005, 09:07 PM
> *
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> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=72686*


[/QUOTE]


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## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 14 2005, 07:01 PM
> *<span style="font-family:Optima">Evening Giggle</span></span>
> 
> A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was
> very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
> Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look,"
> 
> and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
> Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and
> apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you,
> I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out
> of the store.
> The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the heck is the
> world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of
> who fathers her children! "
> Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought but,
> MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in
> college, perhaps he did father her child!
> He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked,
> "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk
> and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
> "No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's
> second  grade teacher!"
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=72625*


[/QUOTE]


OMG!!!







This one was GREAT!!!!!!!























PS: The cat ones are great too!!! I LOVED the sunbathing ones!


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## littlepeanut

I love em all!!!


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## Scoobydoo

I think this one is cute.


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## sheila2182

Two men were driving through Georgia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. 

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. 

The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick. 

"What the [email protected]#ll was that for?" the driver asked. 

"You're in Georgia, son," the trooper answered. 

"When we pull you over in Georgia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car." 

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here." 

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, he's clean and gives the guy his license back. 

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. 

The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. 

"What"d you do that for?" the passenger demands. 

"Just making your wish come true," replied the Trooper. 

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. 

"Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that a##hole would've tried that **** with me!"

(Not to make anyone from Georgia mad at me!)


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## rubyjeansmom

> _Originally posted by 3Maltmom_@Jun 14 2005, 08:20 PM
> *The most romantic thing my husband ever did for me was when we filed for divorce he let me keep the house - LOL
> 
> I let the jerk have his clothes (is that romantic?)
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=72730*


[/QUOTE]


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## rubyjeansmom

> _Originally posted by sheila2182_@Jun 15 2005, 03:50 AM
> *Two men were driving through Georgia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper.
> 
> The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
> 
> The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
> 
> "What the [email protected]#ll was that for?" the driver asked.
> 
> "You're in Georgia, son," the trooper answered.
> 
> "When we pull you over in Georgia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
> 
> "I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."
> 
> The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, he's clean and gives the guy his license back.
> 
> The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
> 
> The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
> 
> "What"d you do that for?" the passenger demands.
> 
> "Just making your wish come true," replied the Trooper.
> 
> "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
> 
> "Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that a##hole would've tried that **** with me!"
> 
> (Not to make anyone from Georgia mad at me!)
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=72757*


[/QUOTE]

OMG







This is soooo funny--!


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## Scoobydoo




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## Scoobydoo

-_-


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## Scoobydoo

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. 

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in." 

"But we's privates," protests Jasper. 

"We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside. 

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink." 

"But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now." 

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." 

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. 

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?" 

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"


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## littlepeanut




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## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom




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## k/c mom

The photo below is so morbid, that it almost looks fake. But it's not a joke. A police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, *then don't scroll down.*

It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. 

Scroll down if you have the stomach to see this..... 











Are you sure you want to see this???? If so, scroll down.....


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## Scoobydoo

I am sick,







I did look


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## littlepeanut

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 15 2005, 06:31 PM
> *I am sick,
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> I did look
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> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=72883*


[/QUOTE]







me too


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## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">*Not so Smart Lawyer *</span>



A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Texas Sheriffs
Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he
has a better education.
>He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies
expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the
ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">*Things Have a way of Backfiring*</span>

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
mini van and headed north. 
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night. 

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." 

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. 

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. 

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter fr om an
attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the
ski weekend. 

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North about 9 months ago?" 

"Yes, I do." said Bob 

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?" 

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did." 

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" 

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did." 

"Why do you ask?" 

"She just died and left me everything." 

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)


----------



## sheila2182




----------



## rubyjeansmom




----------



## MalteseJane

A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks just like his father."
"I know," replied the woman. Then she whispered, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"


----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 15 2005, 06:27 PM
> *"She just died and left me everything."
> 
> (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=72895*


[/QUOTE]








GOOD ONE!!!!


----------



## Scoobydoo

> _Originally posted by MalteseJane_@Jun 15 2005, 09:55 PM
> *A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, "What a  beautiful baby boy, and he looks just like his father."
> "I know," replied the woman. Then she whispered, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=72924*


[/QUOTE]










I like that one.


----------



## Scoobydoo

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and
this Christian family."


No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit 
this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart and you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."


Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!" 











The preacher fainted.


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## MalteseJane




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">*Gotta be a blonde joke*</span>

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car
and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.

It says...













"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
adds permanent wave."


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">*Oh so true*</span>


----------



## Scoobydoo

>> EVER WONDER where we are headed... Why the sun lightens our hair, but
>> darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
>> closed?
>> Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why
>> "abbreviated" is such a long word? Why Doctors call what they do
>> "practice"? Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
>> Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing
>> liquid is made with real lemons? Why the man who invests all your
>> money
>> is called a "Broker"? Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
>> Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor? Why Noah
>> didn't swat those two mosquitoes? Why they sterilize the needle for
>> lethal injections?
>> Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
>> indestructible black box? Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
>> Why
>> they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con
>> is
>> the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? Why they
>> call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe? AND...
>> In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because
>> of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
>> On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". (Darn, and that's the
>> only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Chips: You could 
>> be
>> a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter
>> special?) On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular
>> soap". (And that would be how???)
>> On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost". (But, it's
>> just a suggestion). On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
>> "Do not turn upside down". (Well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks &
>> Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". (And you
>> thought????...) On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes
>> on body". (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
>> On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
>> machinery after taking this medication". (We could do a lot to reduce
>> the
>> rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds
>> with
>> head colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May
>> cause drowsiness". (And...I'm taking this because???) On most brands
>> of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed
>> to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the
>> other use". (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit
>> curious.) On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts". (Talk about
>> a
>> news flash!) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions:
>> Open packet, eat nuts". (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) I don't
>> blame
>> the company, I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman
>> costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". On a
>> Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
>> genitals". (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
>> Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
>> stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
>> even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to
>> smile every once in a while.


----------



## Scoobydoo

> <span style="font-family:Optima">* Be careful of this scam*</span>
>
> This new scam is being pulled mainly on older women who are 
> apparently
> past the age of giving a running pursuit.
>
> What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a red light, 
> a
> completely nude and good looking, nicely tanned, unbelievably well 
> endowed
> young man comes up.
>
> With muscles flexing, and body stretched to its full potential, he
> pretends to wash your windshield.
>
> While he is doing this, another person opens the back door of your 
> car,
> taking anything you have in the car. They are very good at this.
>
> They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday - I couldn't 
> find
> them on Sunday.!


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## rubyjeansmom




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">*These are a real gassss*</span>



Farting All The Time 


Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test." 



Farts With Lumps 


The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## puppylucy

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 11 2005, 09:12 AM
> *Wishful thinking I think
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
> 
> While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
> 
> The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=71578*


[/QUOTE]

it took me until TODAY to figure that out hahaha


----------



## Scoobydoo




----------



## rubyjeansmom




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">*Hmmmmmmmmm*</span>



> A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
> She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
> 
> "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a 
> misunderstanding."
> 
> "No, mother," you don't understand.
> "I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about 
> the price!"
> 
> "Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
> "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
> 
> "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane 
> ticket."
> "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
> 
> "Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the 
> package and it said -
> 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"


----------



## k/c mom

Funny!!!


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## Scoobydoo

OMG my secret is out


----------



## Scoobydoo

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue,
and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the
road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
for$350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available
for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes
on
to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel
is
famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas
perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
this check is only made out for $50."
That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my
wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have!"


----------



## Teddyandme

YOU COULD HAVE
















Susan


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">*Now I know Why We Ladies are So Smart*</span>


God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it." Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten ft away - laughing with delight all the while. God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left." "What's it called?" asked Eve. "Brains," said God.


----------



## MalteseJane




----------



## Scoobydoo

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.


Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution,


in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed..3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE!)


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."


When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh. s#*t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.


----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 21 2005, 03:29 PM
> *The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
> 
> 
> Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.  I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution,
> 
> 
> in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed..3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE!)
> 
> 
> The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him  "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
> 
> 
> When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh. s#*t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=74281*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## MalteseJane




----------



## littlepeanut

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 21 2005, 07:48 AM
> *
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> OMG my secret is out
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=74190*


[/QUOTE]
lol Janet, I adore your sense of humor!!!










OMG these are all great!!!


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">Blame my better half for this one.</span>
























Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a beautiful, sexy nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she came to the final priest, Carlos. 

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in some nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. His butt up high he bent over to pick it up......



Then all the other bells started to ring.


----------



## sheila2182




----------



## puppylucy

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 21 2005, 03:29 PM
> *The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
> 
> 
> Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.  I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution,
> 
> 
> in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed..3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE!)
> 
> 
> The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him  "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
> 
> 
> When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh. s#*t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=74281*


[/QUOTE]


hahahahahahahah :lol:


----------



## Scoobydoo

This is not a joke but I thought some of you would like to see it, it's just a bit of fun.











http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp


----------



## MalteseJane




----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 21 2005, 08:22 PM
> *This is not a joke but I thought some of you would like to see it, it's just a bit of fun.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=74333*


[/QUOTE]


That was fun! I did the link at the bottom with my birth name too...that was interesting.


----------



## Scoobydoo

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint 

Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. 


She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents 

and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her They 

saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you ! We've 

been waiting for you ! Good to see you." 


When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a 

wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint 

Peter told her. 

"Which word?" the woman asked. 

"Love." 


The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into 

Heaven. 

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch 

the Gates of Heaven for him that day. 

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. 

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?" 

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. 

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were 

ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I 

lived in and bought a huge mansion and my wife and I traveled all around the world. 

We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head 

and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?" 

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. 

"Which word ?" her husband asked. 


"Czechoslovakia." 


Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ..... there'll be heck to pay later.


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom

that is great!!


----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 22 2005, 06:49 AM
> *"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
> 
> "Which word ?" her husband asked.
> 
> 
> "Czechoslovakia."
> 
> 
> Moral of the story:    Never make a woman angry .....  there'll be heck to pay later.
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=74391*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## paris

Just started reading this post - here's one for all you cat lovers...



Subject: calling in sick


Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I
reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." 

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all chortling loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while
trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.
"What's the matter?" they all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew...


----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom




----------



## puppylucy




----------



## sheila2182




----------



## Scoobydoo

Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."


----------



## Scoobydoo

"What's the matter?" they all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew...


> That is a very good one Paris.


----------



## Scoobydoo

A blonde lady motorist on I-8 was two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back who have to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep the monkeys on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde, walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.

With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you
doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know, and I did take them to the zoo," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so we went to the movies.


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

That cat joke is GREAT Paris!!!!





































I laughed so hard I CRIED!


----------



## k/c mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 21 2005, 07:55 AM
> *A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
> 
> After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
> continue,
> and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
> room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the
> road.
> 
> When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
> for$350.
> The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
> tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
> $350.
> When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
> speaking to the Manager.
> The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
> hotel
> has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
> available
> for the husband and wife to use.
> "But we didn't use them," the man complains.
> "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes
> on
> to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel
> is
> famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas
> perform here," the Manager says.
> "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
> "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
> No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
> didn't use it!"
> The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
> pay.
> He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
> The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
> this check is only made out for $50."
> That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my
> wife."
> "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
> Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have!"
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=74193*


[/QUOTE]

That's funny!!! Very clever!


----------



## paris

He Said/She Said 

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you? 

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight? 
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa. 

He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? 
She said . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror! 

On a wall in a ladies room ... "My husband follows me everywhere" 
Written just below it . . . . . . " I do not" 

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? 
A. Both of them. 

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? 
A. He buys two cases of beer. 

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? 
A. The bonds mature. 

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? 
A. We don't know; it has never happened.. 

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? 
A. A widow. 

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? 
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. 


Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" 
God says: "So you would love her." 
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" 
God says: "So she would love you."


----------



## Scoobydoo




----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by paris_@Jun 23 2005, 10:28 AM
> *He Said/She Said
> 
> He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
> She said . . You wear pants don't you?
> 
> He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
> She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
> 
> He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
> She said . .  Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
> 
> On a wall in a ladies room ... "My husband follows me everywhere"
> Written just below it . . . . . . " I do not"
> 
> Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
> A. Both of them.
> 
> Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
> A. He buys two cases of beer.
> 
> Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
> A. The bonds mature.
> 
> Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
> A. We don't know; it has never happened..
> 
> Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
> A. A widow.
> 
> Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
> A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
> 
> 
> Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
> God says: "So you would love her."
> "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
> God says: "So she would love you."
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=74650*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## sheila2182




----------



## MalteseJane




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">
I received these today, very funny.</span>



A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's 
going to have her baby in he cab!" I grabbed my 
stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's 
dress, and began to take off her underwear. 
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - 
and I was in the wrong one. 

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX 


At the beginning of my shift I placed a 
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female 
patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I 
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the 
patient. 

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA 


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I 
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive 
myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes 
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the 
family that he had died of a "massive internal 
fart." 

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada! 


I was performing a complete physical, including 
the visual acuity test. I placed the patient 
twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your 
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line 
perfectly."Now your left." Again, a flawless read. 
"Now both," I requested. There was silence. He 
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I 
turned and discovered that he had done exactly 
what I had asked; he was standing there with both 
his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to 
finish the exam. 

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA 


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment 
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, 
that he was having trouble 
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. 
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one 
every six hours and now I'm running out of places 
to put it!" I had him quickly undress and 
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the 
man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the 
instructions include removal of the old patch 
before applying a new one. 

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA 



While acquainting myself with a new elderly 
patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed 
ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she 
answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - 
when my husband was alive." 

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR 



I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your 
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except 
for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to 
the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to 
see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet 
labeled "KYJelly." 

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI 



I was a nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, 
when a young woman with purple hair styled into a 
punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, 
and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly 
determined that the patient had acute 
appendicitis, so she was 
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was 
completely disrobed on the operating table, the 
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed 
green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 
"Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was 
completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the 
patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow 
the lawn." 


and finally... 


A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was 
quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. 
To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously 
formed a habit of whistling softly. The 
middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this 
exam suddenly burst out laughing and further 
embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and 
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" 
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were 
whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer 
Wiener". 

Dr. wouldn't admit his name


----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## paris




----------



## paris

Subject: Sunday Morning Sex 

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling... 

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." 

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


----------



## Scoobydoo

That darn icecream truck always comes at the wrong time huh!!!!!!!!!


----------



## paris

Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.


----------



## Scoobydoo

Exactly, ZILCH


----------



## paris

Smells like the weekend to me!!!

http://www.funpic.hu/en.picview.php?id=3343


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">Corny but Cute</span>

A frog goes into a bank and approaches a teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay. He knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she will have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You are gonna love this) 
The bank manager looks back at her and says.......
"It's a knick knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (Your'e singing it aren't ya?)


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima"> ONLY IN AMERICA</span>

Only in America....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America....are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America....do drugstores make the sick customers walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

Only in America....do people order a double cheesburger, large fries and a DIET Coke.

Only in America....do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain their pens to the counters.

Only in America....do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we don't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America.... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America....do we leave our cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

In Spite of all of these little quirks, we are blessed to have the privilege of living, "ONLY IN AMERICA"


----------



## MalteseJane

Funny but so true.


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">More Facts to Ponder Over</span>




> > STATED FACTS ARE IMPORTANT IN OUR DEVELOPEMENT AS
> > PEOPLE.
> > EVERY DAY WE SHOULD STRIVE TO LEARN NEW FACTS

> > READ ON AND LEARN

> > If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you
> > would
> > have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of
> > coffee.

> > (Hardly seems worth it.)


> > If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
> > enough gas is
> > produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

> > (Now that's more like it!)


> > The human heart creates enough pressure when it
> > pumps out to the body to
> > squirt blood 30 feet.

> > (Oh.My.God.!)


> > A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

> > (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


> > A cockroach will live nine days without its head
> > before it starves to
> > death! (Creepy)


> > (I'm still not over the pig.)


> > Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a
> > hour

> > (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


> > The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its
> > head is attached to its
> > body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
head off.

> > ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


> > The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's
> > like a human jumping
> > the length of a football field.


> > (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


> > The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

> > (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



> > Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
> > (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality
> > over quantity)


> > Butterflies taste with their feet.

> > (Something I always wanted to know.)


> > The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

> > (Hmmmmmm......)


> > Right-handed people live, on average, nine years
> > longer than
> > left-handed people.


> > (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the
> > difference?)



> > Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

> > (okay, so that would be a good thing)


> > A cat's urine glows under a black light.

> > (I wonder who was paid and how much to figure that
> > out?)


> > An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

> > (I know some people like that.)


> > Starfish have no brains.

> > (I know some people like that too.)


> > Polar bears are left-handed.

> > (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


> > Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
> > sex for pleasure.
> >
> > (What about that pig??)


----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 25 2005, 07:32 AM
> *<span style="font-family:Optima">More Facts to Ponder Over</span>
> 
> A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
> 
> (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
> 
> 
> 
> Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
> (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality
> over quantity)
> 
> 
> Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
> sex for pleasure.
> 
> (What about that pig??)
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=75059*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">Bubba is so smart</span>



One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. 

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?" 

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied. 

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, 
but a new truck?" 

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. 
We were driving out on County Road 6, 
in the middle of nowhere. 
Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. 
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 

'Bubba, take whatever you want'. 


So I took the truck!" 



"Bubba, you're a smart man!. 
Them clothes woulda never fit you!"


----------



## MalteseJane

The truck was more useful !


----------



## sheila2182

<span style="font-family:Arial">Finally....A Reason!</span>


----------



## Scoobydoo

That's my excuse too and I am sticking to it


----------



## puppylucy

HAH~!


----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by sheila2182_@Jun 26 2005, 01:06 AM
> *
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> <span style="font-family:Arial">Finally....A Reason!</span>
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=75273*


[/QUOTE]









Ha ha!!!!!!!








That is GREAT!


----------



## rubyjeansmom




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">* 23 prayers From Kids that are great!!*</span>


1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda


2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a puppy.
I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce


3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart.
I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet


4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love Alison


5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene


6. Dear God,Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?
Anita


7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nancy


8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
Glenn


9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis


10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does?
Nathan


11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma


12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer


13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?
Billy


14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
Peter


15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry


16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget.
Mark


17 Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born, but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha


18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Barbara


19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?
Donny


20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles


21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff


22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!
Frank


And, saving the best for last . .


23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.
Thomas


----------



## rubyjeansmom

Those are GREAT!!!


----------



## Scoobydoo

An Alabama Mountain Woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home, she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."

The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.

"What in the world happened?" asked her husband. 
"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go pee in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all heck broke loose."


----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

I have seen the children's prayers to God many times, and still it tickles me every time I read it. Their innocence and honesty is SO refreshing.


----------



## Scoobydoo

This guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any specials today?" 

The bartender replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka." 

The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?" The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima"> NASA Story</span>


Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead

chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space

shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the

frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of

the windshields.


British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the

windshields of their new high speed trains.


Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When

the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of

the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,

blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in

two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot

from a bow . The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the

experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US

scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo:

-- "Defrost the chicken."

(True Story )


----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom

LMAO


----------



## Elegant

Haven't done this in a while...

CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates andsuitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight,put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive woolcarpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused towork in the house... The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank topurchase a new place. 

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth. But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...including THE CURTAIN RODS. Thinking smiley emoticon

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

~Elegant


----------



## MalteseJane

I read this one somewhere but cannot remember where. Anyway it's a good one.


----------



## ButterCloudandNoriko

> _Originally posted by MalteseJane_@Jun 28 2005, 10:06 PM
> *I read this one somewhere but cannot remember where. Anyway it's a good one.
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=76114*


[/QUOTE]

You probably read it on SM. I posted it up also! It was a LONG time ago. But it's still funny!

I love the NASA JOKE! That is crazy!


----------



## Elegant

> _Originally posted by ButterCloudandNoriko+Jun 28 2005, 10:17 PM-->
> 
> 
> 
> <!--QuoteBegin-MalteseJane
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> _
> 
> 
> 
> @Jun 28 2005, 10:06 PM
> *I read this one somewhere but cannot remember where. Anyway it's a good one.
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=76114*
Click to expand...

You probably read it on SM. I posted it up also! It was a LONG time ago. But it's still funny!

I love the NASA JOKE! That is crazy!








<div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=76124
[/B][/QUOTE]

Oops...I don't remember reading it on here, sorry!...D'oh!









~Elegant


----------



## Scoobydoo

Oh sweet revenge, yes I have read this one and still love it.


----------



## k/c mom

Darn! I wish I would have thought of that when I was in that same situation.


----------



## paris

cutrain rods...


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">*Smart Kid*</span>


A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.


The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.


The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My Dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.


Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"

Boy: "$750

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."


The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that [email protected]#t again; you're in my closet now


----------



## paris

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.

She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and 
somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that 
they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. 

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late
because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more 
than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three 
large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably 
sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I 
have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated 
herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were 
still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a 
skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she 
shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of 
cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on 
like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the 
air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for 
taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy 
Birthday"!!!


----------



## Scoobydoo

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy 
Birthday"!!!






























That was hilarious.


----------



## rubyjeansmom




----------



## HappyB

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a

University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was
so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it
as well.



Bonus Question: Is heck exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?



Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.



One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of heck is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into heck and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to heck, it will not leave.



Therefore, no souls are leaving.



As for how many souls are entering heck, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to heck. Since there
is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to heck. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in heck to
increase exponentially. Now,

we look at the rate of change of the volume in heck because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in heck to stay the
same, the volume of heck has to expand proportionately as souls are added.



This gives two possibilities:



1. If heck is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
heck, then the temperature and pressure in heck will increase until all
heck breaks loose.



2. If heck is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
heck, then the temperature and pressure will drop until heck freezes over.



So which is it?



If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in heck before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must
be true, and thus I am sure that heck is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since heck has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".


----------



## paris

> _Originally posted by LucyLou_@Jun 29 2005, 03:18 PM
> *If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
> that, "it will be a cold day in heck before I sleep with you," and take
> into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must
> be true, and thus I am sure that heck is exothermic and has already frozen
> over. The corollary of this theory is that since heck has frozen over, it
> follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
> extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
> being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
> 
> 
> 
> THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=76310*


[/QUOTE]


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## Scoobydoo

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
>
> As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
>
> The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
> ostrich, "What's yours?"
>
> "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40
> please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
> for payment.
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll
> have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the
> same."
>
> Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
>
> This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
>
> "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a
> steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the
> ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be
> $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places
> it on the table.
>
> The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
>
> "Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
> out of your pocket every time?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
> found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
> wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
> just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
> there."
>
> "That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million
> dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
> as you live!"
>
> "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
> money is always there," says the man.
>
> The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
>
> The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
> with long legs who agrees with everything I say."


----------



## MalteseJane




----------



## ButterCloudandNoriko

> _Originally posted by Elegant+Jun 29 2005, 01:04 AM-->
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Originally posted by [email protected] 28 2005, 10:17 PM
> *<!--QuoteBegin-MalteseJane*
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> _
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *@Jun 28 2005, 10:06 PM
> I read this one somewhere but cannot remember where. Anyway it's a good one.
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=76114*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> *
> 
> You probably read it on SM. I posted it up also! It was a LONG time ago. But it's still funny!
> 
> I love the NASA JOKE! That is crazy!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=76124*
Click to expand...

*
*[/QUOTE]

Oops...I don't remember reading it on here, sorry!...D'oh!









~Elegant
<div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=76126
[/B][/QUOTE]

HAHA! No biggie! It was WAY long ago!









OH MY GOSH the baked bean jokes was HILARIOUS....fart jokes always gets me rolling!


----------



## HappyB

I just want you to know that I recycled some of your jokes today, and they were greatly appreciated. I have a patient who has been in the nursing home 18 years. She is just now in her late 60's, is a very intelligent woman, and, at one point did some of my dictation. She gets so bored just laying in bed as her mind is fine, but her bones are so brittle, she can't get up much. She laughed and laughed today when I told her the priest joke, as well as the curtain rod one. I'm going to go back through the thread to get more for her next week.
My patient, Ann, sends a special thanks for them.


----------



## Elegant

I hope I don't step on someone else's toes...









Men are like....

1. Men are like ........Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ..Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ......Blenders .... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ......Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials ...... You can't believea word they say.
7. Men are like ...Department Stores ... Their clothesare always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ......Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .......Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 
11. Men are like .... Snowstorms .. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ...Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

(







Disclaimer: :excl: I may or may not agree with the above statements...  ) 

~Elegant


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## rubyjeansmom




----------



## Scoobydoo

> _Originally posted by LucyLou_@Jul 1 2005, 12:05 AM
> *I just want you to know that I recycled some of your jokes today, and they were greatly appreciated.  I have a patient who has been in the nursing home 18 years.  She is just now in her late 60's, is a very intelligent woman, and, at one point did some of my dictation.  She gets so bored just laying in bed as her mind is fine, but her bones are so brittle, she can't get up much.  She laughed and laughed today when I told her the priest joke, as well as the curtain rod one.  I'm going to go back through the thread to get more for her next week.
> My patient, Ann, sends a special thanks for them.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=76760*


[/QUOTE]

Well, this is just the encouragement I need, if we can lighten up her day, then I for one will do my best.


<span style="font-family:Optima">Grandma and Grandpa</span>

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The
evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set,
place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they
wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on
the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her
to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on
the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The
purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">Steve Irwin</span>

> > Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He
> > puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons
> > and says "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place
> > my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one
> > minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia
> > unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will
> > buy me a drink."
> > 
> > The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar,
> > dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open
> > mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute,
> > Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of
> > its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals
> > unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free
> > drinks were delivered.
> > 
> > Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
> > Who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a
> > while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly
> > spoke up...
> > 
> > "I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."


----------



## Scoobydoo

( Disclaimer: I may or may not agree with the above statements... ) 

Re the men joke


----------



## Scoobydoo

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin 
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still 
a virgin." 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?" 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was 
going to be. 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed
to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically 
but he just couldn't get the system up. 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't 
know when he would be able to deliver. 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three 
years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he 
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure 
how to position it. 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now 
that I've married you, I'm really excited!" 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


----------



## MalteseJane

I love your jokes. It's the first thing I look at in the morning.


----------



## Scoobydoo

Thank you, as long as I keep getting them I will keep posting em


----------



## sheila2182

Something Fishy
>
>
> This is quick reading, but oh, so funny!!!
>
> A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go
> fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his
> friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me
to
get
> that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough
> clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving
from
> the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
>
> Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this
sounds a
> little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband
asked.
>
> The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise
looking
> good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He
says,
> "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike.
>
> But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to
do?"
> The wife replies "I did, they were in your tackle box."
>
Cant outsmart us women


----------



## Scoobydoo




----------



## k/c mom

That was a great one!!!


----------



## HappyB

Subject: "Why I Fired My Secretary"

This is why I fired my secretary...

Two weeks ago was my 28th birthday and I wasn't
feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my
wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably
would have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning,
let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for
you, the children will remember..

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a
word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and
despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good
morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that
someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday,
let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've
heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a
private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the
office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if
you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into
something more comfortable"

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -----
followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our
friends, all singing Happy Birthday.


And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked


----------



## rubyjeansmom




----------



## Scoobydoo

I've tried wearing a pair of those Pantyhose 
that all the young things are wearing. 
But I don't like them...." 
@¨d 









"Every time I fart it blows my slippers off....


----------



## Elegant

No Ememies...

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the b**ches."

~Elegant :lol:


----------



## rubyjeansmom




----------



## Scoobydoo




----------



## MalteseJane

At that age there are not any left


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## NC's Mom

Naaa...urban legend...debunked by snopes.

http://www.snopes.com/language/acronyms/****.asp

Now that foot thing I really like! Will be using that on my students tomorrow!!! 

EDIT: the link got beeped because of a bad word that starts with an s and means poop.

Just copy and paste the link into your address bar and substitute the four **** for the s word meaning poop.


----------



## Scoobydoo

> _Originally posted by scrappy_@Jul 3 2005, 09:44 PM
> *How Smart is Your Right Foot?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
> 
> 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
> 
> Your foot will change direction.
> 
> I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=77693*


[/QUOTE]

Dang, my leg is tired from trying this now, you are right, it is impossible, but thanks Bren I have had some early morning aerobic exercise now


----------



## rubyjeansmom

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport)which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. 

You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term. !!!!!!!


----------



## Scoobydoo

Naaa...urban legend...debunked by snopes.


> Maybe so, but it is in the jokes thread and I sure got a giggle out of it anyway. When you read the story it does make sense in a way.


----------



## k/c mom

> _Originally posted by scrappy_@Jul 3 2005, 09:44 PM
> *How Smart is Your Right Foot?
> 
> 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
> 
> 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
> 
> Your foot will change direction.
> 
> I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=77693*


[/QUOTE]

That is amazing!!!


----------



## AJ

I can actually almost do it, my foot isnt behaving well at first but I'm doing it! Ofcourse, not perfectly, but I think you can make an exception!


----------



## Scoobydoo

You must be well co-ordinated.


----------



## MalteseJane

If you start the "6" from the bottom going up you can do it easily. It's when you draw the "6" from the top going down that you get in trouble.


----------



## AJ

> _Originally posted by MalteseJane_@Jul 4 2005, 06:16 PM
> *If you start the "6" from the bottom going up you can do it easily. It's when you draw the "6" from the top going down that you get in trouble.
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=77942*


[/QUOTE]
I can still do it with much trouble first though...this is much easier---->


----------



## Scoobydoo

>A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
>
>
>Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
>
>
>"Ooh, I want to travel around the worldwith my darling husband" said the wife.
>
>
>The fairy moved her magic stick and ~ abracadabra! ~ two tickets for the new QueenMary2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
>
>
>Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to go on this trip with a woman who is 30 years younger than me".
>
>
>The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick
>abracadabra! the husband became 92 years old.
>
>
>The moral of this story:: "Men Might Be Ungrateful Idiots... But Fairies R....Female!"


----------



## MalteseJane




----------



## rubyjeansmom




----------



## Scoobydoo




----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## AJ




----------



## Scoobydoo




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">*The Body Builder and The Blonde*</span>

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have." 

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite,
baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive
calves you have." 

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of
dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes
running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."


----------



## k/c mom

Funny!!!


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## rubyjeansmom




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## Toby's Mom




----------



## Toby's Mom




----------



## Toby's Mom




----------



## Toby's Mom




----------



## Toby's Mom




----------



## Toby's Mom




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## Toby's Mom




----------



## Toby's Mom




----------



## Toby's Mom




----------



## Toby's Mom




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## Toby's Mom




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## Toby's Mom




----------



## NC's Mom

This may be shocking for some people, but if I ever get married and become a homemaker, I fully intend to follow those 1950s rules....and some others I think are important. I know what it's like to work and I know what kind of person I'd like to have wiating for me at home. If I don't work, I will BE that kind of person.


----------



## muffieluv

Wow! I haven't been on here for ages but this jokes thread is hilarious. I've sent many of them on to other people and they laughed as much as I did! (Although, it is kind of embarassing when someone walks in while your on the computer laughing at the screen!) This thread is so good I thought I would join the party. Here's a joke I received in an email recently.


In my next life, I want to be a bear. 
If you're a bear, you hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six 
months. I could deal with that. 

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal 
with that too. 

If you're a bear, you give birth to your children (who are the size of 
walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute and cuddly 
cubs. I could definitely deal with that. 

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone 
who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. 

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS 
that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. 


YUP. Gonna be a bear.


----------



## k/c mom

> _Originally posted by muffieluv_@Jul 13 2005, 07:17 AM
> *Wow! I haven't been on here for ages but this jokes thread is hilarious. I've sent many of them on to other people and they laughed as much as I did! (Although, it is kind of embarassing when someone walks in while your on the computer laughing at the screen!) This thread is so good I thought I would join the party. Here's a joke I received in an email recently.
> 
> 
> In my next life, I want to be a bear.
> If you're a bear, you hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six
> months. I could deal with that.
> 
> Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.  I could deal
> with that too.
> 
> If you're a bear, you give birth to your children (who are the size of
> walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute and cuddly
> cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
> 
> If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone
> who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
> 
> If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS
> that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
> 
> 
> YUP. Gonna be a bear.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=80798*


[/QUOTE]

 Glad you're back on here..... hope you'll stay and post about your baby, etc.


----------



## MalteseJane

> _Originally posted by NC's Mom_@Jul 13 2005, 06:08 AM
> *This may be shocking for some people, but if I ever get married and become a homemaker, I fully intend to follow those 1950s rules....and some others I think are important.  I know what it's like to work and I know what kind of person I'd like to have wiating for me at home.  If I don't work, I will BE that kind of person.
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=80797*


[/QUOTE]

What I would like to know is how they prepare high school boys for married life.

The difference between the 50's and 2000 is the woman works too. I can tell you one thing, I go rather work then raise children. It's a lot easier to go working and less hours. And if you are wondering, I have done both.


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## paris

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to
end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello, we're down here........."


----------



## AJ

> _Originally posted by paris_@Jul 13 2005, 10:32 AM
> *Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to
> end up in a man's head.
> 
> She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
> 
> "Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
> 
> "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
> 
> Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
> "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
> 
> Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
> 
> "Hello, we're down here........."
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=80860*


[/QUOTE]
omg....


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## Tyler's Sis

:lol:


----------



## Tyler's Sis

Ok, I have one.

A man went to the doctor to ask for advice. "I think my wife is deaf," the man told the doctor, "she won't answer me unless I'm at a close distance." The doctor thought for a while. "How about this, while she's in another room, call her and see if she replies. If she doesn't reply after a few tries, go up to her and ask again."

The next day at 6 pm, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner. The man was in the next room reading his weekly newspaper. He looked up from his paper and shouted, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No reply. He waited a couple of minutes. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no reply. He did the same two more times and there was still no reply. He finally went up to her in the next room and calmly asked, "What's for dinner?" The wife stopped and shouted in his ear, "For the fifth time, chicken!"


----------



## Tyler's Sis

> _Originally posted by scrappy_@Jul 3 2005, 05:44 PM
> *How Smart is Your Right Foot?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
> 
> 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
> 
> Your foot will change direction.
> 
> I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=77693*


[/QUOTE]
Huh? Mine must be smart, it doesn't change direction. Doe it have to be going really fast?


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## Tyler's Sis

There was a cliff with and old man living in a house nearby it. One man was taking a hike by himself. He just passed the house near the cliff and the old man came out and said, "If you slip on the the edge of the cliff and say a word, you'll get it at the bottom of the cliff!" The man went over to the cliff and slipped and said, "Money!" and landed in a pile of dollar bills and died.

The next day, another man was walking around to see if he could find some neat treasure. The old man saw him and said, "If you slip on the the edge of the cliff and say a word, you'll get it at the bottom of the cliff!" The man went over to the cliff and slipped and said, "Gold" and landed in a pile of gold and died.

One day, a man was walking home from a long walk. He walked towards the cliff, slipped and said, "$^!+!" and landed in a pile of poo.


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## muffieluv

"For the fifth time, chicken!"

:lol:










17 WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN

HE: Can I buy you a drink? 
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money. 

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. 
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. 

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? 
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. 

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? 
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. 

HE: Your face must turn a few heads. 
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs. 

HE: I think I could make you very happy. 
SHE: Why? Are you leaving? 

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me? 
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. 

HE: Can I have your name! ? 
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one? 

HE: Shall we go see a movie? 
SHE: I've already seen it. 

HE: Where have you been all my life? 
SHE: Hiding from you. 

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before? 
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. 

HE: Is this seat empty? 
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. 

HE: So, what do you do for a living? 
SHE: I'm a female impersonator. 

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. 
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. 

HE: Where have you been all my life? 
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.


----------



## muffieluv

On Halloween, A woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as a witch, and was just delightful. 

The woman said, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?" 
The little girl looks up at the woman and says...
"Twick or Tweat!" 

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. 

The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." 
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" 
The husband agrees with his wife, this little witch is just the cutest thing. 

The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. 

The little witch looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says... 

"Thanks lady, you just boke my [email protected]*!#^% cookies!"


----------



## paris

broke my #(#*$( cookies...


----------



## paris

Subject: Magic Beer

A lady walks into a penthouse bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at
the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing
that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting
at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you."
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it:
"I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out
the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the
window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says
to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're
a real a**hole when you're drunk!"


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## AJ




----------



## Tyler's Sis




----------



## Toby's Mom




----------



## Tyler's Sis

> _Originally posted by Nichole_@Jul 14 2005, 10:24 AM
> *One-Question IQ Test...
> 
> Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the  rest of your day......
> 
> There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of  brushing one's
> teeth, he successfully expresses  himself to the shopkeeper  and the purchase is done.
> 
> Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair  of sunglasses, how  should he express himself?
> 
> Think about it first before scrolling down for the  answer...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a  pair of sunglasses."
> 
> If you got this wrong - please pack up your things,  turn off your computer  and call it a day.
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=81359*


[/QUOTE]
Lol, I need to pack up my things and turn off my computer!


----------



## paris

> _Originally posted by Nichole_@Jul 14 2005, 01:24 PM
> *  If you got this wrong - please pack up your things,  turn off your computer  and call it a day.
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=81359*


[/QUOTE]






















C-ya tomorrow!


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## Tyler's Sis

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jun 8 2005, 06:32 AM
> *I kinda like this one
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A Good Chicken Recipe
> 
> 
> Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that!
> When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
> 
> BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
> 
> 6-7 lb. chicken
> 1 cup melted butter
> 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
> 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste
> 
> Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
> Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.
> 
> When the chicken's a*# blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.
> 
> And you thought I couldn't cook.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=70458*


[/QUOTE]
This sounds like a stupid question, but was that in real life? Lol.


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## Tyler's Sis

> _Originally posted by paris_@Jun 24 2005, 01:28 PM
> *Smells like the weekend to me!!!
> 
> http://www.funpic.hu/en.picview.php?id=3343
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=74982*


[/QUOTE]
Hey I have that poster but the noses don't move.


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## Elegant

Give Bush a brain game, try it...
Give Bush a brain

~Elegant


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## Tyler's Sis

3 points.

It's funny how bush won the election and so many people make jokes out of him...


----------



## MalteseJane

You have to play multiple times. Each time there is another answer.


----------



## puppylucy

it makes me so excited that this thread is still going on









i've been reading them all and laughing hysterically.


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## muffieluv

I luv this thread too.


----------



## scottchelf

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 

"Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

"Where is God!!?" 

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 

"WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time... 
God is missing - and they think WE did it!"


----------



## Scoobydoo

A fiftyish year old woman was at home happily jumping on her bed 
>> and
>>squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
> "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with
> you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care
> just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts
> of an 18 year-old." The husband said, "What did he say about your 56
> year old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied.


----------



## Scoobydoo

After many years of married life, a man finds that he is no longer able to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.


After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." And he refers the man to a Cajun witch doctor.


The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"


The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"


The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned: after that, it will not work again for another year!"


The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and eager to surprise his wife. He can't wait to go to bed. They get in bed and he says, "123", and just like magic, he gets an erection


His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"


----------



## AJ




----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## AJ

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless maltese puppy asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."


----------



## AJ

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"


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## Scoobydoo

Very good AJ, I love them both.


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## AJ

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jul 17 2005, 04:12 PM
> *
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
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> 
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> 
> 
> Very good AJ, I love them both.
> 
> 
> 
> 
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> 
> 
> 
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=82195*


[/QUOTE]
Thank you!!! Your jokes are the best though, you have the ability to brighten everyones day with your humor...keep them coming!!


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## k/c mom

> _Originally posted by AJ_@Jul 17 2005, 04:33 PM
> *Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless maltese puppy asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
> 
> He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
> 
> "Yep, that's him," he replied.
> 
> The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
> 
> "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=82188*


[/QUOTE]

Hey that's a great one!!!!


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## k/c mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jul 17 2005, 01:19 PM
> *After  many years of married life, a man finds that he is no longer able to  perform.  He  goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.
> 
> 
> After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the shrink confesses, "I am at a  loss  as  to how you could possibly be cured." And he refers the man to a Cajun witch doctor.
> 
> 
> The  witch  doctor  says,  "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame  and  there  is  a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says,  "This  is  powerful  healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
> 
> 
> The  guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?
> 
> The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and  it will go down. But be warned: after that, it will not work again for another year!"
> 
> 
> The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and eager to surprise his wife. He can't wait to go to bed.  They  get in bed and he says, "123", and just like magic, he gets an erection
> 
> 
> His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=82136*


[/QUOTE]

Duh, I had to think a minute on that one.... but that is funny!!!!


----------



## Scoobydoo

Lol K/C, it sure beats the headache we often are accused of having, don't you think? :lol:


----------



## littlepeanut

I love this thread!!


----------



## AJ

> _Originally posted by Kallie/Catcher's Mom+Jul 17 2005, 05:28 PM-->
> 
> 
> 
> <!--QuoteBegin-AJ
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> _
> 
> 
> 
> @Jul 17 2005, 04:33 PM
> *Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless maltese puppy asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
> 
> He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
> 
> "Yep, that's him," he replied.
> 
> The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
> 
> "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=82188*
Click to expand...

Hey that's a great one!!!!








<div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=82213
[/B][/QUOTE]

Thanks!!



> _Originally posted by scrappy+Jul 17 2005, 07:04 PM-->
> 
> 
> 
> <!--QuoteBegin-AJ
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> _
> 
> 
> 
> @Jul 18 2005, 06:33 AM
> *Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless maltese puppy asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
> 
> He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
> 
> "Yep, that's him," he replied.
> 
> The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
> 
> "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=82188*
Click to expand...









Loved it















<div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=82235
[/B][/QUOTE]

Thanks also!!!


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## rubyjeansmom

Yes-keep them coming-I love this thread too! I don't always comment on the jokes but I always laugh and I always come back for more!!





















I just wish I could remember them to tell others!


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## Scoobydoo




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## MalteseJane

I am an atheist.... Thank God !


----------



## littlepeanut




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## AJ




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## Scoobydoo

Geez Bren I better not let hubby read that one, I will never be able to keep him on the straight and narrow


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## littlepeanut




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## AJ




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## AJ




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## Scoobydoo




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## Scoobydoo

Four macho guys go on a fishing expedition. To save a little money, they rent a small cabin that has only two bedrooms. Bill sleeps with Charlie the first night and he comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.??The other two ask, "What happened to you?"?Bill says, "That Charlie, he snores so loud, I was kept awake watching him all night. I can't do that another night so one of you has got to do it!"?Since Charlie snores so loudly, no one else wants to room with him, but they finally agree to take turns.?The next night is Oscar's turn. In the morning, the same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot.??Oscar declares, "Man, that Charlie shakes the roof. And he sleeps so hard, I couldn't wake him! I watched him all night."?The third night is Steve's turn. The next morning Steve comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. The other two can't believe it! "What happened?" they ask, "How on Earth did you sleep with all that racket?"?Steve says, "Well, as we got ready for bed, I went and tucked Charlie into bed and kissed him. He watched ME all night."


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## Scoobydoo

A senior woman gets pulled over for speeding...


Senior Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Senior Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Senior Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Senior Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Senior Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Senior Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Senior Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Senior Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

Senior Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.

Senior Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Senior Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.

Senior Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom

I love that one.


----------



## k/c mom

Oh I love that!!!! The punchline was totally unexpected!!


----------



## littlepeanut

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jul 19 2005, 10:41 AM
> *"Well, as we got ready for bed, I went and tucked Charlie into bed and kissed him. He watched ME all night."
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=82729*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## AJ




----------



## Scoobydoo

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was
looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he
put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of
latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five
minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure,
she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!!


----------



## MalteseJane

Now WE senior ladies know how to avoid a speeding ticket !


----------



## AJ




----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## muffieluv

Lol


----------



## HappyB

> A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a
> difference for an
> organization. 
> 
> Last week, we took some friends out to a new 
> restaurant, and noticed
> that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon
> in his shirt pocket.
> It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought
> our water and
> utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his
> shirt pocket. Then I
> looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in
> their pockets. 
> 
> When the waiter came back to serve our soup I
> asked, "Why the spoon?"
> Well, "he explained, " the restaurant's owners
> hired PWC Consulting to
> revamp all our processes. After several months of
> analysis, they
> concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
> dropped utensil.. It
> represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 
> spoons per table per
> hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can
> reduce the number of
> trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per
> shift." 
> 
> As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he
> was able to replace it
> with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I
> go to the kitchen
> instead of making an extra trip to get it right
> now.." 
> 
> I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a
> string hanging out of
> the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that
> all the waiters had the
> same string hanging from their flies. So before he
> walked off, I asked
> the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you
> have that string
> right there?"
> "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not
> everyone is so
> observant.
> That consulting firm I mentioned also found out
> that we can save time
> in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of
> you know what, we
> can pull it out without touching it and eliminate
> the need to wash our
> hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by
> 7639 percent. 
> 
> I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it
> back?" 
> 
> "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the 
> others, but I use the
> spoon." 
> 
>


----------



## HappyB

> > 
> > OLD BILL THE BOX UNDER BILL & HILLARY'S BED 
> > 
> > When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said,
> "I
> > am putting a box under the bed. You must promise
> never
> > to look in it."
> > In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never
> > looked. On the
> > afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got
> > the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked
> > inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and
> > $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it
> back
> > under the bed. 
> > 
> > Now that she knew what was in the box, she was
> doubly
> > curious as to why there even was such a box with
> such
> > contents. That evening, they were out for a
> special
> > anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no
> > longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
> > saying, "I am so
> > sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my
> promise
> > and never looked into the box under our bed.
> However,
> > t oday the temptation was too much and I gave in.
> > But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer
> > cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and
> said,
> > "I guess after all these years you deserve to know
> the
> > truth.
> > Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty
> beer
> > can in the box under the bed to remind myself not
> to
> > do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said,
> "Hmmm,
> > Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed
> and
> > saddened by your behavior. However, since you are
> > addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess
> 3
> > times is not that bad considering
> > your problem."
> > Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They
> > hugged and made their peace. A little while later
> > Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that
> money
> > in the box?" Bill answered:
> > "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans,
> I
> > took them to the recycling center and redeemed
> them
> > for cash." 
> >


----------



## MalteseJane

I swear I won't go to that restaurant ! Will have to send this one to my daughter and husband who are in the restaurant business.


----------



## paris

> _Originally posted by LucyLou_@Jul 20 2005, 09:50 AM
> *> "Well,"  he whispered, "I don't know about the
> > others, but I use the
> > spoon."
> >
> >
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=82988*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## AJ




----------



## muffieluv

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED... 

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, 
and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they 
learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch 
to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds
the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by 
law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can 
take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.


----------



## muffieluv

9 signs that show you're an internet addict... 

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened. 

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com" 

Your dog has its own home page. 

You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem. 

Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick. 

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.


----------



## Scoobydoo




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">Mike in an advanced Biology class was taking his mid-term exam. The 
last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk," worth 70 
points or none at all. Mike who had partied the night before, was 
hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:


1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just 
before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote:
7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A"....</span>


----------



## MalteseJane

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jul 21 2005, 08:47 AM
> *<span style="font-family:Optima">Mike in an advanced Biology class was taking his mid-term exam. The
> last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk," worth 70
> points or none at all. Mike who had partied the night before, was
> hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
> 
> 
> 1. It is perfect formula for the child.
> 2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
> 3. It is always at the right temperature.
> 4. It is inexpensive.
> 5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
> 6. It is always available as needed.
> And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just
> before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote:
> 7. It comes in such cute containers.
> 
> He got an "A"....</span>
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=83293*


*

cute containers 







 







 







*[/QUOTE]


----------



## littlepeanut

Cute containers!!!


----------



## AJ




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma
was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom
banging her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.</span>


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">This morning on I-95, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new ACURA doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. 

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. 

darn women drivers!</span>


----------



## AJ




----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## sheila2182




----------



## Chelsey

That was a good one


----------



## rubyjeansmom




----------



## HappyB

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat
of the fire truck was a dog.The children started discussing
the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs",
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant


----------



## HappyB

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jul 21 2005, 06:11 PM
> *<span style="font-family:Optima">This morning on I-95, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new ACURA doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
> 
> As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
> 
> darn women drivers!</span>
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=83453*


[/QUOTE]

I hate to admit this now, but I used to do my dictation into a little tape recorder while driving down the road at 60 miles an hour. I could do all my days work on the way home. Now, I just sit here and do it and get grouchy. I'm sure some of you have noticed those days with me.


----------



## Tyler's Sis

DO NOT PEEK AT THE ANSWERS!!! 

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. 
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with 
loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. 
Which room is safest for him? 

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 
minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out 
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be? 

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you 
throw it away? 

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, 
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? 

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out 
what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was 
wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. 
Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But 
if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any 
coaching! 

DON'T PEEK..................!!














ANSWERS: 


1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. 

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, 
developed it and hung it up to dry. 

3. Charcoal 

4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! 

5. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, 
does not appear once in the long paragraph


----------



## Scoobydoo

I loved both of these.


----------



## NC's Mom

Well, I got the yesterday, today, and tomorrow one....didn't really try too hard to figure out the others as it's the end of a long day for me. I might have eventually gotten number one, but I don't think I would have gotten the others.









Thank you for those. I will use them in my classes when vacation (it started about an hour ago!) is over.


----------



## muffieluv

9 Things I Hate About Everyone 

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually. 

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". darn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? 

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? 

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor. 

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya? 

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 

8. When people say "life is short". What the? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet? " If the bus came would I be standing here?


----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom

* A DOG NAMED SEX*

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more darn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."


----------



## Scoobydoo

These are good, keep em coming


----------



## Tyler's Sis

> _Originally posted by Lexi's Mom_@Jul 22 2005, 05:21 AM
> *"Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=83551*


[/QUOTE]
Hahah!







That's funny! These jokes are great!


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom

> _Originally posted by Tyler's Sis+Jul 22 2005, 12:53 PM-->
> 
> 
> 
> <!--QuoteBegin-Lexi's Mom
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> _
> 
> 
> 
> @Jul 22 2005, 05:21 AM
> *"Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=83551*
Click to expand...

Hahah!







That's funny! These jokes are great!
<div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=83641
[/B][/QUOTE]
When I was getting Lexi I sent an email to my family asking them to help me think up some names. Well my brother replies to everyone that he thinks I should call her Sex and included that article. I think it was in an Ann Landers' column a couple of years ago.


----------



## AJ




----------



## k/c mom

THE LOVING HUSBAND .. 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench 
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. 
Everyone else in the room stops to listen. 

MAN: "Hello" 

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" 

MAN: "Yes" 

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat and it's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" 

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much." 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked." 

MAN: "How much?" 

WOMAN: "$60,000" 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is 
back on the market. They're asking $950,000." 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" 

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in 
astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom




----------



## Scoobydoo

Omg that is so funny


----------



## AJ




----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## Elegant

*Bumper Stickers*

"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Lastly:

"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"


----------



## AJ




----------



## Scoobydoo

They are clever.


----------



## rubyjeansmom




----------



## MalteseJane

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger thingies than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## rubyjeansmom




----------



## scottchelf

A furniture dealer from Newfoundland decided that he wanted to expand the
line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see
what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever
to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected
a line that he thought would sell well back home in Newfoundland.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and
have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the 
small
place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the
only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked
him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward
the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English,
but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying
to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine 
glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he
ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,and
drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.They left the
bistro and found a quiet café that featured a small group playing romantic
music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a
picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They
danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was
in the furniture business.

And you thought this was a dirty joke.Shame on you!!!


----------



## scottchelf

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out 
something exciting -- and relate it to the class the next day. 

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher 
called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of halk, made a
small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked what it was. "It's a period." he replied. "I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one. 
Mommy fainted, daddy had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Marines."


----------



## scottchelf

CAR TROUBLE

A wannabe blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"


----------



## scottchelf

Two wannabe blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ........
And one wannabe blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is
fartheraway..........
Florida or the moon?" The other wannabe blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo!!! can you see Florida.......?????"


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## AJ




----------



## Scoobydoo

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". 

The guy says, "You're bullsh**tin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."


----------



## Scoobydoo

A little girl was inspecting her heavily pregnant mother's tummy when she asked,
"Mommy why is your tummy so big?"
Her mother thinking her little girl is too young to comprehend the truth replied,
"Well mommy has been biting her fingernails and this is what happens when you do that."
A few days later mother and daughter were on the bus going down town when the little girl sees another heavily pregnant lady so she sits there and just keeps staring and finally she says hello to her.
The surprised woman looks at the little girl and says,
" Sweetie, I have noticed you staring and am wondering if I know you."
With that the little girl replies,
"No ma'am but I sure do know what you have been doing."


----------



## AJ




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">*This is rather cute too, get your computer screen cleaned from the inside and watch it being done*</span>


http://www.legrady.hu/sc.html


----------



## MalteseJane




----------



## littlepeanut

and what a cute kitty


----------



## AJ

That is soo cute!!!!


----------



## AJ

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@@ Jun 11 2005, 12:19 AM
> *Ok, here's a bit of a test for yas, try it it's fun  :new_Eyecrazy:
> 
> http://www.njagyouth.org/colortest.swf
> 
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=85519*


[/QUOTE]
I got 100 percent all three times.







I'm weird


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">You think you're having a bad day !

This is hysterical! I have no clue who wrote this, but it is the funniest story I have read in a LONG time.</span>


Yeast Rolls and Drunken Dogs 
We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you think this is a bad case of no discipline, I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family and a lot of drunk friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was however assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to reheat on Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour.

An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30pm. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid on my part. We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dogs out to relieve themselves! Well, the darn dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the floor or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time.

Then he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogeeon on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it. Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls! God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karee's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in her garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something.

Of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out" and Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my butt, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karee's house. Having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor. This was another naive decision on our part.

The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally got it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea.


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">>Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze.
>
>Bubba asked Homer, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin'an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"
>
>Homer scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so, but it shore would make us even.">

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

UNANSWERED PRAYER? 


The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. 


One day, she asked him why. 


"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."


"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked. 

**************************************************************

BEING THANKFUL 

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" 

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" 
********************************************************** 
EXPRESS PRAYER 

Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?" 
***************************************************************

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" 

Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle ... and He just then did!" 
****************************************************************

TIME TO PRAY 

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 

"Yes sir," the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime." 
********************************************************

THE BLESSING 

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. 

Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" 
******************************************************************

BEWARE OF TRASH 

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." 
****************************************************


ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS? 


When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). 


For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." 


As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" 


Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!" 
*********************************************************

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," The boy replied. 


"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house." 


"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!</span></span>


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## AJ




----------



## AJ

Magic Mirror

There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I think I am the prettiest person in the world" and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. Lastly came the blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think..." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up.


----------



## paris

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000
and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a
newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope
you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly ! responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. However, when I was
young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very
forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of
her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches
other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, " That was incredible, how could you
tell?'

The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

I was behind you in line at McDonald's."


----------



## paris

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Jul 29 2005, 09:25 AM
> *<span style="font-family:Optima">You think you're having a bad day !
> 
> This is hysterical! I have no clue who wrote this, but it is the funniest story I have read in a LONG time.</span>
> 
> 
> Yeast Rolls and Drunken Dogs
> We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.
> 
> Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you think this is a bad case of no discipline, I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.
> 
> Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family and a lot of drunk friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was however assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.
> 
> I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to reheat on Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour.
> 
> An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30pm. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.
> 
> I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.
> 
> Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid on my part. We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dogs out to relieve themselves! Well, the darn dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the floor or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time.
> 
> Then he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.
> 
> Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogeeon on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.
> 
> Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it. Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls! God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karee's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.
> 
> Once Jasper was firmly placed in her garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something.
> 
> Of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out" and Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my butt, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karee's house. Having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor. This was another naive decision on our part.
> 
> The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally got it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.
> 
> Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.
> 
> I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea.
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=85683*


[/QUOTE]

OMG...I was laughing so hard I had tears.


----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom

> _Originally posted by paris_@Aug 2 2005, 03:57 PM
> *A woman decides to  have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000
> and feels pretty good  about the results. On her way home, she stops at a
> newsstand to buy a  newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope
> you don't mind my  asking, but how old do you think I am?"
> 
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=86735*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## AJ

> _Originally posted by paris_@Aug 2 2005, 03:57 PM
> *A woman decides to  have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000
> and feels pretty good  about the results. On her way home, she stops at a
> newsstand to buy a  newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope
> you don't mind my  asking, but how old do you think I am?"
> 
> "About 32," is the  reply.
> 
> "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
> 
> A little  while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same  question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
> 
> The woman replies, "Nope  I'm 50."
> 
> Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug  store on
> her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints  and
> asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say  30."
> 
> Again she proudly ! responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
> 
> While  waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
> her the same  question.
> 
> He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. However,  when I was
> young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds  very
> forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then,  and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
> 
> They wait in  silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of
> her. She finally  blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."
> 
> He slips both of his hands under  her blouse and begins to feel around very
> slowly and carefully. He bounces and  weighs each breast...He gently pinches
> other.
> 
> After a couple of minutes of  this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
> 
> He completes one last  squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
> "Madam, you are  50."
> 
> Stunned and amazed, the woman says, " That was incredible, how could you
> tell?'
> 
> The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"
> 
> "I  promise I won't." she says.
> 
> I was behind you in line at  McDonald's."
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=86735*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## Scoobydoo

They are all very good.
Here's another one for yas......

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out "SH*T... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"


----------



## paris




----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## MalteseJane

Oh no !


----------



## Carol Ann

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best
Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white
male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need'. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said,'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight
In the face and said, 'A pumpkin? darn...is it midnight already?'"


----------



## AJ




----------



## Scoobydoo

That was too funny, I mean a pumpkin?????????? OMG I will never look at a pumpkin in the same way again.


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## paris




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">: Another Harley Joke.....



A new Harley owner went to his local dealer where he was taking delivery of his brand new bike. Naturally, he had it all chromed and had also added an expensive new leather seat.



The dealer turned over the keys to the biker, mentioning that the bike's new seat would be vulnerable to rain until he had the chance to treat it. The dealer suggested that if the buyer were to get caught in the rain, he should quickly coat the seat with vaseline/petroleum jelly to protect the leather. With these final words, the biker rode off to pick up his latest girl friend and then take her to her family's home, where he would meet and dine with her folks for the first time. 



When he arrived he was immediately taken on a tour of the house and was amazed at what he found in the kitchen. Stacked and piled everywhere were hundreds, no thousands, of unwashed pots, plates, pans, cups and silverware. When he inquired as to the cause of all the dirty dishes he was told that the family had a unique "contest" that they played during their meals. The rules seemed simple enough: the first one who spoke during a meal had to do the dishes. In this family the competition was all important and for weeks no one had spoken. The result being the mess the biker observed.



At this point dinner was served and for ten minutes not a sound was heard. The biker couldn't stand this at all and to elicit some sort of response he drained his beer can and, grabbing his girlfriend, took her right in front of her sister and parents. No one even peeped.



Ten minutes later with still no sound, the biker put his toothpick aside, grabbed the sister and performed unspeakable acts upon her right by the table. Again, not a word was uttered.



Another ten more minutes passed with no word being spoken, and - you guessed it, the biker wiped his mouth and pulled the mother to the floor, committing upon her more than a few outright acts of perversion.



No one even whispered. Having finished with the mother, the biker was reaching for a dinner roll when all of a sudden he heard thunder. He looked through the dining room window and saw lightening flash across the sky, followed by a few drops of rain on the window pane.



The biker looked at the father and said, "You got some vaseline?"



The father jumped up, threw his hands over his head in surrender and screamed: "All right! All right! I'll do the dishes!"</span>


----------



## AJ

:lol:


----------



## littlepeanut

Here's a cute one:

> LIFE SAVERS
> 
> A college professor was doing a study testing the
> senses of first graders. 
> Using a bowl of lifesavers, he gave all the 
> children the same kind of 
> lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to
> identify them by color and 
> by flavor. 
> 
> The children began: 
> "Red.....................cherry." 
> "Yellow.................lemon." 
> "Green..................lime." 
> "Orange................orange."
> 
> Finally the professor gave them all a 
> HONEY-flavored lifesaver. 
> After eating them for a few moments, not a single 
> one of the children could 
> identify the taste. 
> 
> "Well," said the professor, "I'll give you a clue: 
> It's what your mother 
> may sometimes call your father." 
> 
> One little girl looked up in absolute horror - - - 
> immediately spit her 
> lifesaver out, and yelled, 
> "Oh, my God!! They're a** holes!!"


----------



## AJ

That was soo funny!!!


----------



## k/c mom

http://www.snopes.com/risque/caught/pumpkin.htm

The pumpkin story is really funny but it is just an urban myth... not a true story, but that doesn't make it any less funny... it is still hysterical!!!


----------



## Scoobydoo

Oh what a relief that is K/C I do love pumpkin, to eat that is









Loved the life saver one too, that was very cute


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." 

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. 

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."</span>


----------



## AJ




----------



## Scoobydoo

> _Originally posted by scrappy_@Aug 5 2005, 09:14 PM
> *hahahaha pumpkin is banned in this household.  My DH just cannot abide it after boarding school in England that and mashed potato are big no. no's.
> 
> Gee I love this thread.  having spent the better part of this week in bed I have come here and reread the jokes just to get myelf smiling again.
> 
> Thanks a bunch guys for cheering me up when I feel down.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Awww Scoobydoo you have done it again
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=87659*


[/QUOTE]

Well Bren they say laughter is the best medicine, so that is probably why you got better so quickly


----------



## AJ

> _Originally posted by scrappy_@Aug 5 2005, 08:14 PM
> *hahahaha pumpkin is banned in this household.  My DH just cannot abide it after boarding school in England that and mashed potato are big no. no's.
> 
> Gee I love this thread.  having spent the better part of this week in bed I have come here and reread the jokes just to get myelf smiling again.
> 
> Thanks a bunch guys for cheering me up when I feel down.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Awww Scoobydoo you have done it again
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=87659*


[/QUOTE]
Whats wrong? Are you alright?







I hope so!


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

"What happened! ?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."</span>


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated
at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!</span>


----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Aug 6 2005, 05:29 PM
> *<span style="font-family:Optima">There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"
> 
> One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated
> at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"
> 
> Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
> 
> One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!"
> 
> The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
> 
> "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
> 
> The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
> 
> The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!</span>
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=87827*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## AJ




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">IRISH CONFESSSION 


Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." 


The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?" 


"Yes, Father, it is." 


"And, who was the woman you were with?" 


"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." 


"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. 

Was it Brenda O'Malley?" 


"I cannot say." 


"Was it Patricia Kelly?" 


"I'll never tell." 


"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?" 


"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." 


"Was it Kathleen Morgan?" 


"My lips are sealed." 


"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?" 


"Please, Father, I cannot tell you." 


The priest sighs in frustration. " You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. 

You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now." 


Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, 


"What'd you get?" 


"Three month's vacation and five good leads"</span>


----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom




----------



## AJ




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Geneva">"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee</span>


----------



## AJ




----------



## puppylucy

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Aug 6 2005, 06:33 PM
> *<span style="font-family:Geneva">"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
> and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee</span>
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=87842*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## k/c mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Aug 6 2005, 07:33 PM
> *<span style="font-family:Geneva">"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
> and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" . . . .
> 
> </span>
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=87842*


[/QUOTE]

That joke is sooo funny!!


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## Scoobydoo

I had to change a few words here but I thought it was so funny I had to share it, I sure hope no one gets offended.


><span style="font-family:Optima"> 
> A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his
> deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices
> the man's pee pee off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.
> 
> Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little
> girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the pee pee
> smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
> Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?
> Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young 
> age,
> the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
> 
> The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes
> she says "Sure had a big pee pee, didn't it ?"</span>


----------



## k/c mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Aug 6 2005, 08:27 PM
> *I had to change a few words here but I thought it was so funny I had to share it, I sure hope no one gets offended.
> 
> 
> ><span style="font-family:Optima">
> > A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his
> > deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices
> > the man's pee pee off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.
> >
> > Driving  behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little
> > girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the pee pee
> > smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
> > Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?
> > Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young
> > age,
> > the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
> >
> > The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes
> > she says "Sure had a big pee pee, didn't it ?"</span>
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=87858*


[/QUOTE]

That is hysterical!!!!


----------



## AJ

Oh, scoobydoo, youre too funny!!!


----------



## MalteseJane




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">HOLY WATER 
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. 
He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some 
of it on both of his legs, then throws away his 
crutches. 

An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the 
rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. 

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've 
just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" 

"Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water." </span>


----------



## paris




----------



## MalteseJane




----------



## AJ




----------



## scottchelf

Subject: FW: Man vs Woman

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, "PIG !"
Man yells out window, "OLD HAG !"
Man rounds next curve and crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.

Thought For The Day: If only men would listen


----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by scottchelf_@Aug 8 2005, 09:07 PM
> *Subject: FW: Man vs Woman
> 
> Man driving down road.
> Woman driving up same road.
> They pass each other.
> Woman yells out window, "PIG !"
> Man yells out window, "OLD HAG !"
> Man rounds next curve and crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
> 
> Thought For The Day: If only men would listen
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=88538*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## Scoobydoo

> _Originally posted by scottchelf_@Aug 8 2005, 10:07 PM
> *Subject: FW: Man vs Woman
> 
> Man driving down road.
> Woman driving up same road.
> They pass each other.
> Woman yells out window, "PIG !"
> Man yells out window, "OLD HAG !"
> Man rounds next curve and crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
> 
> Thought For The Day: If only men would listen
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=88538*


[/QUOTE]
















Iv'e been saying that all along


----------



## AJ

> _Originally posted by scottchelf_@Aug 8 2005, 09:07 PM
> *Subject: FW: Man vs Woman
> 
> Man driving down road.
> Woman driving up same road.
> They pass each other.
> Woman yells out window, "PIG !"
> Man yells out window, "OLD HAG !"
> Man rounds next curve and crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
> 
> Thought For The Day: If only men would listen
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=88538*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## paris

If only...


----------



## MalteseJane

Yep... If only...


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## HappyB

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to
take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a
game warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you
doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
!
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think


----------



## HappyB

FOR ALL PEOPLE WHO "LOVE" ATTORNEYS.


> The Duck Dispute
>
> A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Indiana. He shot and
> dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
> fence.
>
> As the lawyer climbed off the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
> tractor and asked him what he was doing.
>
> The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
> now I'm going to retrieve it."
>
> The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
> over here."
>
> The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
> US, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
> everything you own."
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
> settle disputes in Indiana. We settle small disagreements like this
> with the Hoosier "Three Kick Rule."
>
> The lawyer asked, "What is the Hoosier Three Kick Rule?"
>
> The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first
> I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back
> and forth until someone gives up."
>
> The Attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
> he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
> custom.
>
> The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
> attorney.
> His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
> the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
>
> His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
> his mouth.The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to
> his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
>
> The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto his
> feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you

> old coot. Now it's my turn."
>
> I love this part....
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."


----------



## paris

> _Originally posted by LucyLou_@Aug 9 2005, 11:14 AM
> *FOR ALL PEOPLE WHO "LOVE" ATTORNEYS.
> > The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
> > attorney.
> > His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
> > the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
> >
> > His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
> > his mouth.The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to
> > his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
> >
> > The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto his
> > feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you
> 
> > old coot. Now it's my turn."
> >
> > I love this part....
> >
> > The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=88712*


[/QUOTE]






















From having worked around lawyers for 20+ years, I love this


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">Children's Science Exams


Almost better than a cup of coffee to start your morning....
If you need a laugh , read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. 
These are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (My favorite).</span>


----------



## littlepeanut

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Aug 9 2005, 01:32 PM
> *<span style="font-family:Optima">Children's Science Exams
> 
> Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
> A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
> 
> Q: What is the fibula?
> A: A small lie.
> 
> </span>
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=88741*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## AJ

> _Originally posted by LucyLou_@Aug 9 2005, 11:14 AM
> *FOR ALL PEOPLE WHO "LOVE" ATTORNEYS.
> 
> 
> > The Duck Dispute
> >
> > A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Indiana.  He shot and
> > dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
> > fence.
> >
> > As the lawyer climbed off the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
> > tractor and asked him what he was doing.
> >
> > The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
> > now I'm going to retrieve it."
> >
> > The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
> > over here."
> >
> > The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
> > US, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
> > everything you own."
> >
> > The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
> > settle disputes in Indiana.  We settle small disagreements like this
> > with the Hoosier "Three Kick Rule."
> >
> > The lawyer asked, "What is the Hoosier Three Kick Rule?"
> >
> > The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first
> > I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back
> > and forth until someone gives up."
> >
> > The Attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
> > he could easily take the old codger.  He agreed to abide by the local
> > custom.
> >
> > The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
> > attorney.
> > His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
> > the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
> >
> > His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
> > his mouth.The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to
> > his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
> >
> > The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto his
> > feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you
> 
> > old coot. Now it's my turn."
> >
> > I love this part....
> >
> > The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=88712*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## AJ

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Aug 9 2005, 12:32 PM
> *<span style="font-family:Optima">Children's Science Exams
> 
> 
> Almost better than a cup of coffee to start your morning....
> If you need a laugh , read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.
> These are real answers given by children.
> 
> Q: Name the four seasons.
> A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
> 
> Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
> A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
> 
> Q: How is dew formed?
> A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
> 
> Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
> A: Keep it in the cow.
> 
> Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
> A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
> 
> Q: What are steroids?
> A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
> 
> Q: What happens to your body as you age?
> A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
> 
> Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
> A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
> 
> Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
> A: Premature death.
> 
> Q: What is artificial insemination?
> A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
> 
> Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
> A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
> 
> Q: What is the fibula?
> A: A small lie.
> 
> Q: What does "varicose" mean?
> A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)
> 
> Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
> A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
> 
> Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
> A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (My favorite).</span>
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=88741*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## AJ

> _Originally posted by LucyLou_@Aug 9 2005, 11:12 AM
> *One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to
> take a nap.
> 
> Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
> 
> She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a
> game warden in his boat.
> 
> He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am.  What are you
> doing?"
> 
> "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
> 
> "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
> 
> "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
> 
> "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
> moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
> !
> "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
> 
> "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
> 
> "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
> at any moment."
> 
> "Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.
> 
> MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=88711*


[/QUOTE]






















I love this one


----------



## dhodina

FEMALE STAGES IN LIFE 

AGE DRINK 

17 - Wine Coolers 
25 - White wine 
35 - Red wine 
48 - Dom Perignon 
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser 

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 

17 - Need to wash my hair 
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair 
35 - Need to colour my hair 
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair 
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig 

FAVORITE SPORT 

17 - shopping 
25 - shopping 
35 - shopping 
48 - shopping 
66 - shopping 

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 

17 - "Burger King" 
25 - "Free meal" 
35 - "A diamond" 
48 - "A bigger diamond" 
66 - "Home Alone" 

FAVORITE FANTASY 

17 - tall, dark and handsome 
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money 
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 
48 - a man with hair 
66 - a man 

HOUSE PET 

17 - Muffy the cat 
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat 
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat 
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat 
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat 

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 

17 - 17 
25 - 25 
35 - 35 
48 - 48 
66 - 66 

IDEAL DATE 

17 - He offers to pay 
25 - He pays 
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning 
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 
66 - He can chew his breakfast


----------



## dhodina

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE 

AGE ---- DRINK 
17 ---- beer 
25 ---- beer 
35 ---- vodka 
48 ---- double vodka 
66 ---- Maalox 

SEDUCTION LINE 
17 ---- My parents are away for the weekend. 
25 ---- My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 
35 ---- My fiancee is away for the weekend. 
48 ---- My wife is away for the weekend. 
66 ---- My second wife is dead. 

FAVORITE SPORT 
17 ---- sex 
25 ---- sex 
35 ---- sex 
48 ---- sex 
66 ---- napping 

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 
17 ---- "tongue" 
25 ---- "breakfast" 
35 ---- "She didn't set back my therapy." 
48 ---- "I didn't have to meet her kids." 
66 ---- "Got home alive." 

FAVORITE FANTASY 
17 ---- getting to third 
25 ---- airplane sex 
35 ---- menage a trois 
48 ---- taking the company public 
66 ---- Swiss maid/Nazi love slave 

HOUSE PET 
17 ---- roaches 
25 ---- stoned-out college roommate 
35 ---- Irish setter 
48 ---- children from his first marriage 
66 ---- Barbi 

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 
17 ---- 25 
25 ---- 35 
35 ---- 48 
48 ---- 66 
66 ---- 17 

IDEAL DATE 
17 ---- Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 
25 ---- "Split the check before we go back to my place" 
35 ---- "Just come over." 
48 ---- "Just come over and cook." 
66 ---- sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas


----------



## MalteseJane

> Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
> A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.[/B]

















I like this one !


----------



## AJ

> _Originally posted by dhodina_@Aug 9 2005, 01:50 PM
> *FEMALE STAGES IN LIFE
> 
> AGE DRINK
> 
> 17 - Wine Coolers
> 25 - White wine
> 35 - Red wine
> 48 - Dom Perignon
> 66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
> 
> EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
> 
> 17 - Need to wash my hair
> 25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
> 35 - Need to colour my hair
> 48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
> 66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig
> 
> FAVORITE SPORT
> 
> 17 - shopping
> 25 - shopping
> 35 - shopping
> 48 - shopping
> 66 - shopping
> 
> DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
> 
> 17 - "Burger King"
> 25 - "Free meal"
> 35 - "A diamond"
> 48 - "A bigger diamond"
> 66 - "Home Alone"
> 
> FAVORITE FANTASY
> 
> 17 - tall, dark and handsome
> 25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
> 35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
> 48 - a man with hair
> 66 - a man
> 
> HOUSE PET
> 
> 17 - Muffy the cat
> 25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
> 35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
> 48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
> 66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat
> 
> WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
> 
> 17 - 17
> 25 - 25
> 35 - 35
> 48 - 48
> 66 - 66
> 
> IDEAL DATE
> 
> 17 - He offers to pay
> 25 - He pays
> 35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
> 48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
> 66 - He can chew his breakfast
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=88769*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## dhodina

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: 

"Hello?" 
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" 
"Yes." 
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" 
"What's the price?" 
"Only $1,500.00." 
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... " 

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... " 
"What price did he quote you?" 
"Only $60,000 ... " 
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." 

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... " 
"What?" 
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... " 
"How much are they asking?" 
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... " 

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" 
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" 
"Bye ... I do too ... " 

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?


----------



## paris




----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom

I've read that one before! I loved it then and still do. Can't remember where I read it though.


----------



## AJ

> _Originally posted by Lexi's Mom_@Aug 9 2005, 03:18 PM
> *I've read that one before!  I loved it then and still do.  Can't remember where I read it though.
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=88816*


[/QUOTE]
I think scoobydoo posted it on this thread, I love the joke!!!


----------



## littlepeanut

> _Originally posted by dhodina_@Aug 9 2005, 02:50 PM
> *IDEAL DATE
> 
> 17 - He offers to pay
> 25 - He pays
> 35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
> 48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
> 66 - He can chew his breakfast
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=88769*


*[/QUOTE]
*


----------



## HappyB

Subject: The frog and the princess


This is the fairy tale that we should have been reading as little girls!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't freakin' think so.


----------



## HappyB

SHAGGY BEAR STORY 

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains 
to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would 
get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. 

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really 
all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing 
led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would 
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to 
convert it. 

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. 

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has 
various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to 
find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the 
Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap 
me around. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became 
as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first 
communion and confirmation." 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and 
both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone 
oratory he proclaimed, "Well brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle! I 
went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to preach to him, but 
that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we 
began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, up another and down another 
until we came to a creek. So I quick dunked him and baptized his hairy 
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb." 

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He 
was in a body cast and in traction with IVs and monitors running in and 
out of him He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows 
don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear!


----------



## littlepeanut

:lol:


----------



## MalteseJane




----------



## Scoobydoo

They are all good ones, and Scrappy, that is a great one too, my hubby bought me a new rolling pin, now I wonder if down the road he may regret that


----------



## paris

good ones...


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">PANTYHOSE QUIZ 

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? 
Now, think about it...... 

Ready??? 

ARE YOU SURE??? 




Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, and an 
unknown number of hares. </span>


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">The original Hollywood Squares and its comical questions and answers 
are from the days when the shows were spontaneous and clever, not 
scripted and often dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking 
the questions.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should 
you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or 
a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think 
that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if
he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say; I Love You?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are; Do It, I Can Help, and I Can't Get Enough?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your 
hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll 
give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do heck's Angels wear leather?

A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to 
get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not! I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist 
camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a 
goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into 
the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body; what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his 
head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your 
elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.

Q Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and 
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in 
bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh</span>


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## AJ




----------



## paris

Here's one:


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the
smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the
man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but
notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that
said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling, and I had
to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could
hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and
sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have
prevented this accident"... I just lost it."

CASE DISMISSED!


----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom




----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

A little distasteful...sorry...but it WAS funny....










*<span style="color:green">PROBLEM: Two books are for sale.

Which to buy? "Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and 
subsequent catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and 
subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing
</span>*


----------



## AJ




----------



## littlepeanut

:lol:


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">A senior citizens' group charters a bus from San Angelo, TX to Branson, MO.



As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"



The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. so he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.


A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?


About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.


The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.


"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.


"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times but every time I grab it, it runs away."</span>


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## AJ




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="color:blue"><span style="font-family:Optima">A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."</span></span>


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home. 
Walking proudly into the house, he says to his wife, 
"Notice anything different about me?" 
Bessie looks him over, "Nope." 
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??" 

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." 

Furious, Ray yells,"AND ! DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!" 

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat." </span>


----------



## k/c mom

These last few jokes are great!!!


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## AJ




----------



## MalteseJane

I can't stop laughing


----------



## paris

All of the jokes from yesterday were too funny!! Paris keeps looking at me probably wondering why I'm laughing when noone else is around...


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">Funny motor insurance claims 
"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." 

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought." 

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket." 

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? 
A: Travelled by bus? 

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo. 

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard." 

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke." 

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight" 

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk." 

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo." 

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again." 

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment." 

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." 

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way." 

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face." 

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." 

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." 

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car." 

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident." 

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished." 

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." 

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have." 

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it." 

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him." 

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident." 

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before." 

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian." 

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle." 

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull." 

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him." 

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him." 

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car." 

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth." 

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end." 

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. " 

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way." 

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before." 

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car." 

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal." 

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert." 

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries." 

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him." 

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact." 

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle." 

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim." </span>


----------



## AJ

Scoobydoo, youre the bestest!! (notice the great language :lol: )


----------



## Caesar's Mommie




----------



## Caesar's Mommie

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Aug 11 2005, 08:25 PM
> *<span style="font-family:Optima">A senior citizens' group charters a bus from San Angelo, TX to Branson,  MO.
> 
> 
> 
> As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
> 
> 
> 
> The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. so he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
> 
> 
> A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
> 
> 
> About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
> 
> 
> The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area.  When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
> 
> 
> "Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
> 
> 
> "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times but every time I grab it, it runs away."</span>
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=89714*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

I printed off the traffic claims to take to school.
That is an excellent writing activity for my seventh grade language students!
They will get a kick out of that!


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## HappyB

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one 
house
it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote:
"Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message: 
"Genesis
3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up
in
gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22) Now, pass it
on!!


----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by LucyLou_@Aug 14 2005, 08:31 PM
> *A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
> house
> it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
> repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote:
> "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
> 
> When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
> card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message:
> "Genesis
> 3:10."  Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up
> in
> gales of laughter.
> 
> Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
> Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
> for I was naked."
> 
> Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
> "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22) Now, pass it
> on!!
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=90482*


[/QUOTE]


I have heard this one many times before...I think our pastor even put in in the church newsletter once a "funny"-  It always makes me smile!


----------



## Caesar's Mommie

> _Originally posted by LucyLou_@Aug 14 2005, 08:31 PM
> *A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
> house
> it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
> repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote:
> "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
> 
> When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
> card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message:
> "Genesis
> 3:10."  Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up
> in
> gales of laughter.
> 
> Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
> Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
> for I was naked."
> 
> Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
> "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22) Now, pass it
> on!!
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=90482*


[/QUOTE]







That's cute!


----------



## Scoobydoo

> _Originally posted by Caesar's Mommie+Aug 15 2005, 10:04 AM-->
> 
> 
> 
> <!--QuoteBegin-LucyLou
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> _
> 
> 
> 
> @Aug 14 2005, 08:31 PM
> *A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
> house
> it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
> repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote:
> "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
> 
> When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
> card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message:
> "Genesis
> 3:10."   Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up
> in
> gales of laughter.
> 
> Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
> Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
> for I was naked."
> 
> Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
> "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22) Now, pass it
> on!!
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=90482*
Click to expand...









That's cute! 
<div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=90589
[/B][/QUOTE]

I like this one too


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima"> A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"</span>


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. 

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. 

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. 

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. 

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was 
lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. 

After finishing, they then made off for home. 

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." 

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You." 
</span>


----------



## AJ




----------



## littlepeanut

Sheep lie


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## MalteseJane

> Girls Night Out[/B]


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">
A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their homes. 


One boy answered "We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it." 

The next little boy said "We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it." 

Then a third boy piped up: "In the bathroom we have a little platform with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams "OH MY GOD!!!" </span>


----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by Scoobydoo_@Aug 20 2005, 08:39 AM
> *<span style="font-family:Optima">
> A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their homes.
> 
> 
> Then a third boy piped up: "In the bathroom we have a little platform with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams "OH MY GOD!!!" </span>
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=92805*


[/QUOTE]









Was this MY son?!















That was cute!


----------



## Scoobydoo

Don't worry my son would have done that to me too


----------



## littlepeanut

love 'em all


----------



## AJ




----------



## paris




----------



## paris

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowners wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. . . do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you.

His wife responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks your're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.


----------



## HappyB

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals


----------



## paris

> _Originally posted by LucyLou_@Aug 23 2005, 11:40 AM
> *HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
> 
> Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=93406*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom

> _Originally posted by paris+Aug 23 2005, 11:41 AM-->
> 
> 
> 
> <!--QuoteBegin-LucyLou
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> _
> 
> 
> 
> @Aug 23 2005, 11:40 AM
> *HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
> 
> Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=93406*
Click to expand...
























<div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=93407
[/B][/QUOTE]


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">_Which human body part increases......


A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to10 times its size when stimulated?"


No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down.


Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna
get in big trouble!"


The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,"Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up looking around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."


Mrs. Parks said,"Very good, Billy." Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:


First, you have a dirty mind
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And Third,one day you are going to be very disappointed!"_</span>


----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">_For all of you with teenage girls......and those fortunate
enough not to have teenage girls.

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with
this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just
pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern
times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she
goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the
grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager
wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has
friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show
off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening. _</span>


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## Scoobydoo

<span style="font-family:Optima">_"Mommy Please slow downnnnnnnnnnnnnn"_</span>


----------



## Tyler's Sis




----------



## AJ

I've seen the rosebud joke beofre, someone emailed me it, too funny!


----------



## MalteseJane

A man stumbles through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus ?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am".
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus ?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, for a little longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother ?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits' end and dunks the drunk in the water again - but this time holds him down until the man begins waving his arms. The preacher again asks the drunk "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## AJ




----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom

> *David Letterman's Top 10 Signs You've Gone To a Bad Veterinarian*
> 
> 10. When you hand him your cat, he asks uncomfortably, "Monkey?"
> 9. Two weeks later, your dog coughs up a rubber glove.
> 8. Big sign in waiting room: No Pets Allowed!
> 7. Diploma looks a lot like menu from Chinese restaurant.
> 6. Always saying "I've got a tick in my pants."
> 5. Sends you a card every spring: "Time for your dog's annual neutering."
> 4. First question, "What ails your varmint?"
> 3. He has a lot of posters up advertising cockfights.
> 2. He himself wears one of those big funnel shaped dog collars.
> 1. He bites!
> 
> Bonus indication you may have gone to the wrong vet......
> Sign in front:
> Joe's vet and taxidermy.
> Either way you get your dog back.[/B]





> *Seeing Eye Dog Joke*
> 
> There are two guys, one with a Doberman Pincher and one with a Chihuahua.
> 
> The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
> 
> The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."
> 
> They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
> 
> The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
> 
> The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?"
> 
> He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're really very good."
> 
> The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
> 
> The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to walk in.
> 
> The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
> 
> The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
> 
> The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
> 
> He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"[/B]





> *Doggie at the Movies*
> 
> I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."[/B]


Does Your Dog Own You?



> *See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.*
> 
> * You believe every dog is a lap dog.
> * If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
> * You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
> * You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
> * You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
> * You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
> * No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).
> * You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
> * You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
> * You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
> * You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
> * You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
> * Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
> * When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
> * You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
> * You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
> * Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over. [/B]


----------



## AJ

Rosie definitely owns me!!!


----------



## Scoobydoo

Gee they are all very good


----------



## scottchelf

American bank teller 

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller, 

"Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? 

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations." 

The Asian man says, "Fluct you white guys too!"


----------



## scottchelf

Joan, a rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost 
all of her vacation sunbathing. 

She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. 

She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back. 

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she 
heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, 
she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear. 

"Excuse me, Miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the 
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your 
wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday" 

"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated..."Have you been 
following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY, since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel." 

"Well, that would be true," said the little man embarrassed, "except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."


----------



## scottchelf

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. 

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the heck have you been?" and so on. 

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. 

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. 

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. 

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"


----------



## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom

> _Originally posted by scottchelf_@Sep 19 2005, 05:52 PM
> *"Well, that would be true," said the little man embarrassed, "except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=101168*


[/QUOTE]


----------



## scottchelf

oh yes, both of you have beautiful children.


OOPPSS!!! completely a mistake... how do I completely delete a post? this is suppposed to be a PM


----------



## AJ




----------



## littlepeanut




----------



## Scoobydoo




----------



## Guest

Good one! Thanks for the laugh!


----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom

> *Useless Exercise*
> 
> A kid goes into his mom’s room and finds her jumping vigorously on top of his
> dad. He asks:
> "What are you doing to dad, mom?"
> She says:
> "I'm helping him exercise to lose weight!"
> "Oh mom, that is worthless you jump on top of him to make him skinnier and our
> neighbor comes in everyday when you leave and blows him back up with her
> mouth[/B]


*The Real Wedding*


----------



## littlepeanut

That cake topper is great







I think the best one I saw when shopping for my sister's wedding involved a bride with a baseball bat aimed at her groom


----------



## LexiAndNikkisMom

> _Originally posted by littlepeanut_@Sep 23 2005, 12:50 PM
> *
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> That cake topper is great
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I think the best one I saw when shopping for my sister's wedding involved a bride with a baseball bat aimed at her groom
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> <div align="right">index.php?act=findpost&pid=102594*


[/QUOTE]
Found some more funny wedding cake toppers:


----------



## littlepeanut

Ohhhh I need that ball and chain one







Bf's not gonna be impressed if he reads that


----------



## muffieluv

I wouldnt be surprised if you've read this, but here goes.

-----------
Dear Husband,

I'm writing u this letter to tell you that i'm leaving you for good.
Our seven year marriage has been good yet i have nothing to show for it.
These last few days have been absolute crap. Your boss called me today to tell me u had quit ur job. Last week u came home and didnt notice my hair was different, nor said anything when i cooked ur favourite meal, Pork. I even wore my new negligee.

You came home, ate, and went to sleep after watching the game. You dont love me anymore, so whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If ur trying to find me, don't. Ur brother and I are moving away to live together.
Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife.


-----------
Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than ur letter. It's true that our seven years together was good. The only reason i watch sports was to drown out ur nagging. Too bad it didnt work. I did notice ur hair cut off last week but it looked **** so i didnt say anything. After all, you always said if u got nothing nice to say, dont say it.

About my favourite meal "Pork." You may have me confused with my brother, because i dont eat pork. I didnt notice your new negligee because i couldnt get pass the price tag. Perhaps it was coincidal that my brother borrowed 50 bucks from me this morning and your negligee cost 49.99.

After i discovered that i had won the 10 million dollar lotto, i quit my job and decided i could still love u. But when i got home, you were gone. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you wont get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I dont think i ever told you this but my brother Carl, was born Carla. I hope thats not a problem.

Signed,
A Very Rich Ex-Husband.


----------



## RexsMom




----------



## Scoobydoo




----------



## AJ




----------

