# My Parents Are Separating (Now Getting A Divorce)



## LexiAndNikkisMom (Apr 13, 2004)

I posted about my parents martial problems in the divorce thread. 

I haven't talked to my mom yet but while I was talking to my aunt (mom's only sister) my mom called her. My aunt then called me back. So all I know so far is what my mom told my aunt who then told me.

My dad got home at 7PM tonight from his motorcycle trip. My mom made dinner for him and then told him she wanted a separation. My dad said he had been wondering when she would say that. He was very civil I guess (we weren't sure how he would react, she had pack a bag and put it in her trunk just in case she had to leave quickly). Mom asked if he would go to marriage counselling and he refused to go. At some point she brought up that he never wants to do anything and he got a little angry about that.

When my mom called my aunt my dad was in the shower. Mom was still at the house. She as going to wait around to let him know that she had told my brothers and me.

My aunt said that my mom had made an appointment with an attorney tomorrow to find out what they need to do and what the laws are in our state. No one in my mom's family has ever gotten divorced and the only person in my dad's family that got divorce was my uncle who got divorced back in '80 or so. So we really don't know anything about what to do.

My mom did call and tell her mom that they were separating and possibly getting a divorce. My grandma acted a lot better then we expect. Grandma can be a real witch sometimes. So we weren't sure what she would say. Grandma told my mom that she could stay with her if need be. Mom would prefer not to do that. They would probably kill each other after a week or so.









I talked to my older brother for about a half hour tonight. He is not totally against them divorcing he just wanted mom to try and get dad to do counseling. He didn't want her to just give up. He is still having issues from when him and his fiancee broke up last year. For the new people my brother and his fiancee were together for like 5 years and 6 months before the wedding she got cold feet (we think she was cheating) and they ended up breaking up about 2 months after that. They ended up having to get lawyers involved. Big mess. He regrets not going to counselling when Katie first suggested. He is glad they did go in the end even though the relationship didn't work out. That is what my brother would like my parents to do. But dad is refusing. Maybe he will change his mind in the next few days. I think my brother is going to try talking to my dad and see if he can change dad's mind.

I will post more after I talk to my mom.


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## Scoobydoo (May 26, 2005)

I am so sorry that your parents are breaking up, it's always hard on the family when there is a break down of a marriage. I sure hope that what ever the outcome, it is amicable and your parents can move on and both be happy.


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## I found nemo (Feb 23, 2006)

It is very hard. I know I went through it, I was young and I always blamed myself that my mom left us.
Now I know she was just not capable of being a mother, it's very hard on children . I hope you get through this and know that sometimes people just fall out of love, you mom needs your support and needs you to understand why she wants out.All you can do is really be there for each/other.. Just be each/others rock..

My Best To You,

Andrea~[attachment=9019:attachment]


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## CandicePK (Nov 11, 2004)

I'll be thinking of your family during this time. I hope that everyone can find the resolutions they need to make them happy - whatever that might be.


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## wagirl98665 (Jan 5, 2006)

So very sorry to hear that.


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## Gregswife (Mar 6, 2006)

I am sorry that your family is going through this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers....


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## suzimalteselover (Mar 27, 2006)




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## msmagnolia (Sep 8, 2004)

Kristi,
I'm really sorry that you and your brothers and your parents are going through this. Its hard on all of you in different ways, I'm sure. I hope that your parents will do whatever is best and that the family will be able to support their decision. I feel sure that divorce is hard on children of any age.


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## Suz & the Fluffs (Mar 11, 2006)

I hope everything goes smoothly for everyone involved.


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## LexiAndNikkisMom (Apr 13, 2004)

After my mom talked to my aunt last night my parents sat down and talked (didn't argue) for 2 or 3 hours, didn't really get anywhere though. They were both really sad. Dad still refuses to go to counceling. 

I called Dad last night around 10:30/11:00 and asked if he was ok. He made it out to be no big deal. He told me it was nothing to worry about, that he was ok, not his problem, its up to my mom now, etc.

I'm going to call him again in a few minutes to see how he is doing. I'm going to at least try to get him to go to marriage counceling or just counceling for himself. Not really expecting him to go for it though.


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## Littlemans Mom (Apr 6, 2005)

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this


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## Cindy1981 (Apr 24, 2006)

> I called Dad last night around 10:30/11:00 and asked if he was ok. He made it out to be no big deal. He told me it was nothing to worry about, that he was ok, not his problem, its up to my mom now, etc.[/B]


Sorry if I am way off base here but is it possible your Dad doesn't take your mother seriously or maybe he is wanting a Divorce as well? I'm so sorry you are growing through this as well as the rest of your Family. I will add your family to my prayers.


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## LexiAndNikkisMom (Apr 13, 2004)

> QUOTE





> I called Dad last night around 10:30/11:00 and asked if he was ok. He made it out to be no big deal. He told me it was nothing to worry about, that he was ok, not his problem, its up to my mom now, etc.[/B]


Sorry if I am way off base here but is it possible your Dad doesn't take your mother seriously or maybe he is wanting a Divorce as well? I'm so sorry you are growing through this as well as the rest of your Family. I will add your family to my prayers. [/B][/QUOTE]
No I think he is taking it seriously. I don't know. I think he just doesn'w want to show us kids how he is really feeling.


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## mwend (Dec 27, 2005)

Kristi - hang in there girl! Remember that although this affects you - try not to pick sides. No one can FORCE your dad to counseling. And if he is forced then it probably will not have a lot of affect on him, but that said - I do hope he goes. My husband and I did go to couseling 4 years ago - and things were better than ever for a few months - then they went right back to the way they were. I guess if people are not willing to change then things will not truly get better. I think if your parents feel there is anything there to save then counseling would definetly be the way to go! You'll need to be there for BOTH of your parents. I'll continue to pray for you and your family.


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

> My dad said he had been wondering when she would say that.[/B]


 

Don't feel sorry for him. He saw it coming and didn't do anything to change. There is even a good chance that he is relieved because he might have been the one to want the divorce in the first place but did not want to look bad. If SHE is asking for the divorce, HE is not the bad guy. They push you to the limit so it's you making the move.


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## LexiAndNikkisMom (Apr 13, 2004)

Got a hold of my dad. I asked him if he would consider counseling and he said that mom has already made her decision and they don't need it. I asked him if he would go to counseling just for himself and he said he doesn't need it. That they couldn't tell him anything he doesn't already know. 

He is acting like this is no big deal. He keeps telling me not to worry about it. He keeps saying that its not up to him, that its mom's decision now. He said this has been coming on for 20 years. 

My younger brother called me this morning. He is still upset but didn't seem as emotional as he has been. He only cussed a few times. He wouldn't talk long but he did listen to me. I told him he could come stay with me for a few days if he needed to get away and that he could talk to our older brother or me if he needed.


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## momtoboo (Jan 30, 2006)

I'm sorry your family is having to go through this.Sometimes counseling helps,sometimes it doesn't & it's much harder to get men to go.I hope things work out for the best.


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## bellasmommy (May 8, 2005)

Kristi,
I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. Your situation sounds so close to what happened to my parents in 2001. My parents just grew distant over time, not anyone's fault really, just too much distance to go building bridges. My dad also refused counseling, and they just had such different interests. My mom liked to go out and to the lake (a kid at heart) and my dad focused on work and his own interests. My mother actually confessed to me (after the divorce) that she married my dad too young, and basically because she wanted kids and thought they would grow to love each other the way they should








Its hard being stuck in the middle, and my advice may go against the grain here, but I'd try to let them do their thing, offer support to both, and trust their instintcts. Its a hard thing to to, but it has saved my sanity tremendously. I wish you and your parents and your brother the best....my brother took it hard too, but he's great now. It's hard dealing with the little brother "i'm a tought guy and don't want to talk about it" complex, but he'll come around eventually.


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## LexiAndNikkisMom (Apr 13, 2004)

Yeah they married pretty young. They started dating while my mom was still in highschool and got married 2 months after my mom's 19th birthday. My older brother was born a little over 2 years later (mom was 21) and then me a year after that (mom was 22). My younger brother was born about 6 years after me, when my mom was 30. Mom worked until I was born and then stayed home with us kids until Brad was two or so.


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## Bailey Luda (Feb 14, 2006)

> Yeah they married pretty young. They started dating while my mom was still in highschool and got married 2 months after my mom's 19th birthday. My older brother was born a little over 2 years later (mom was 21) and then me a year after that (mom was 22). My younger brother was born about 6 years after me, when my mom was 30. Mom worked until I was born and then stayed home with us kids until Brad was two or so.[/B]


Wow.... Sounds much like my in-laws only my Mother In-law wont take the step to divorce out of fear of being able to be financial independent... so instead it is the same fights that have been going on for years. She too tried to get him to go to counseling but he went only once. They too married young and have been battling the same fights the past 30 years. What make me angry is that she puts my husband in the middle of things and gets angry at him if he doesn't agree with her on the arguments. My Father In-Law has issues with never being home either riding his Harley or at the bars or both... she has serious communication issues and argues to win instead of clear up misunderstandings or solve problems. I wish they would get it over with already instead of upsetting my hubby with their marital dysfunctions.

I come from a divorced home to... my mom waited to divorce my lazy cheating lying dad until my brother and I left home... I had wished she did it sooner! It sucks and its hard but having parents separate but happy is MUCH better than together and miserable. Its impossible to fix a marriage if only half is willing to put in the effort. This is why I was soooooo adamant in my choice in a spouse... I would rather grow old, single, independent and happy than settle for someone who did not possesses all that I would require in a spouse... loyalty, honesty, kindness and deep friendship above all else.

My cousin is going through a bad marriage too and was on the phone with her last night trying to give her some support... I just wish everyone had happiness and peace in their live instead of dealing with hurt, anger and frustration.

Wow... I was all over the place rambling... I hope and pray everything works out for the best with your family. My brother had a harder time dealing with my parent's split too. Sorry to hear you are going through tough times.


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## LexiAndNikkisMom (Apr 13, 2004)

Talked to my mom a little bit ago. She is having divorce papers sent to my dad tomorrow. She says that with way my brothers are acting there is no way they would let her try to work it out with my dad (even if they could).









Brad (my younger brother, 20 years old) went to see a psychologist today. He would only go if my older brother, Brian (29 years old), went with him. According to Brad the psychologist totally agreed with them that there is something else going on with my mom and Dave (the friend of the family, who my mom has said she would like to date after they are divorced, she swears to god it has never gone beyond friendship so far, but they would like to see if there could be something else). My brothers are totally convinced there has been a fullblown affair since the day Dave came into the picture. They will not even listen to anyone else. They are determined to find proof. 

I'm trying so hard to stay neutral and not take sides but I just want to smack the boys sometimes. They are acting like freaking 5 year olds!







This is NOT about them. It is between Mom and Dad. Their behavor is not helping dad at all. Dad is severally depressed and needs to get in to see a psychologist and get on meds but he can't get in until next Monday. I live over 200 miles away from them and they are calling me and b!tching about mom and saying how bad dad is. Are they doing anything about seeing if he can get in any sooner? NO!!!! Brad called me up this afternoon balling. He was like I've never seen dad this bad and he had no idea what to do. I called my mom to see what she said. She wanted to know if he was bad enought that he had to be committed for a 24 hr observation. I said I didn't know. She was going to see if my 2 uncles would go over with her. I called Brad back to tell him Mom might be coming over and why. He flipped out and was like "That b!tch would do that..." yaddy yaddy. I just let him have it. I couldn't take it. I was like "I LIVE 200 MILES AWAY!!! What the heck do you think I can do from here? You asked for help and I'm trying to help!!! This is NOT about you or me or even mom right now. We are trying to help Dad!!!"

I asked my boss if I could have off on Friday so I can go home. I told him my brothers and dad had completely lost it. My mom scheduled me for a massage on Saturday at lunch time. I might be heading back to Des Moines after that. Not sure how much more b!tching I can take from my brothers. I might end up losing it and yelling at them. I'm getting so sick of it.

My mom is talking about talking off the rest of the week and leaving Dubuque. She is pretty much done talking to my brothers until they get over yelling at her. She went over to the house tonight to get the rest of her clothes and such. My uncle went with her. Brian came over while she was there and he just let her have it. He was calling her a hore, a b!tch, etc. My uncle and younger brother just sat there and let him go. She is afraid my brothers are going to go ballistic tomorrow when my dad gets the divorce papers. She says she can take the name calling but she is afraid they might get mad enought to hit her. She just wants to avoid them doing something they might later regret. Mom is talking about maybe going to stay with my aunt in for awhile. She might come to stay with at my place this weekend. I told her I might be back on Saturday if my brothers were still being a-holes.

Ok, I feel a lot better now that I have gotten that all off my chest.


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## Brinkley & Neyland's Mom (Jun 14, 2004)




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## msmagnolia (Sep 8, 2004)

Kristi, If it helps you to vent, then I hope you will keep doing so. You are right - there is nothing that you can do except try and stay neutral. This is not about you or your brothers - this is about your parents. You are right to try and get along and not judge anyone. I'm so sorry about all of this but try and keep the stress away - as much as possible at least.


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## suzimalteselover (Mar 27, 2006)

Kristi...unfortunately, I think some men, (your brothers) when they are very hurt and upset...express 
themselves w/emotions of anger and blame. Is there a family member close to them, but, yet, a little
more distant than you, that's a male....that cld sit down and try to help them thorough this time, and
be able to explain to them...they are just making this entire situation more difficult for everyone, and 
blaming your mother is not the answer. I am so sorry, dear.


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## felicity (Jun 19, 2006)

i am so sorry to hear of your parents divorce, i undertstand how it feels because my parents divorced when i was young, it was a bit different because my father wasn't a very kind man back then.

he has a new wife now who i really didn't like for a long time but iv'e gotten used to her and she makes him happy so that has to be a good thing right?

mum still doesn't like her but she has her own reasons.

i get along with my father better now, he's changed a lot and is not as bad as he used to be.

it can be a confusing and sad time i know but you will get through it











felicity


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## momtoboo (Jan 30, 2006)

I feel sad for you & your family.







Sometimes divorce is like a fatal disease,infecting the entire family & destroying it.It should be up to the divorceing parents to not let this happen even through their own confusion & pain.When things get this bad,it's almost impossible for one to help the other.I sure hope everything turns out ok for you.I know it's got to be very stressful on you.


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## jude'n'jools (Apr 6, 2006)

I feel for you.


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## mwend (Dec 27, 2005)

Kristi, I am SO sorry you are going through all of this. I have no advice only to tell you that I will be praying for you and your family!


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## wagirl98665 (Jan 5, 2006)

I think your brothers are in shock about all this and this is the only way they know how to react. Divorce hurts the whole family, but in the end everybody will hopefully recover and everything will be ok.


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## LexiAndNikkisMom (Apr 13, 2004)

My dad called me this morning. He doesn't want me to use up a vacation day since I might need them for interviews. He said that his doctor had written him a prescription for meds until he can get in to see the psychologist. I guess they are really working. He said he is feeling a lot better. He said he was planning on coming to Des Moines this weekend to see me (depending on how he feels). Dad wanted me to see if mom would maybe meet him in Des Moines this weekend to talk. He really wants to try and get her back but he doesn't think that is going to happen. Its so sad.

He does not like how my brothers are acting. He has been trying to talk to them but they are jsut not listening. My mom's brothers have also tried but the boys are just determined to view what has happened in a certain light. My dad is going to try and get my little brother to go back to the psychologist. First we need to figure out if he really did see one the other day because if he did then maybe he needs to see someone else.







If he didn't really go to one we need to make sure he goes. Also we need to try and get my older brother to go. 

I talked to my cousin who used to work as a counseler for a mental health place (for people with drug problems, sychos, kids problems, etc). She is going to call around this morning and see if she can find a psychologist for my brothers. She said they need someone that isn't going to let them get away with the wasy they are acting. They need someone that is going to "hit them along side the head and say this isn't about you".


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## saltymalty (Sep 14, 2004)

Kristi I am so sorry that all this is happening. I am glad you are trying to help your brothers. I think that in the long run they will come around, because they're going to have to! On another note, I would really recommend that you not act as the go-between for your parents. I don't think you should get involved in arranging a meeting between them. Your parents will have to learn to deal with one another on their terms. If your father wants to see your mother, then he should contact her himself. If she doesn't want to see him, then he's going to have to work that out. It isn't up to you to fix things between them. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, I just don't want to see you get in the middle of things. It is the hardest thing to see people you love not getting along. I really wish you the best.


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## LexiAndNikkisMom (Apr 13, 2004)

> Kristi I am so sorry that all this is happening. I am glad you are trying to help your brothers. I think that in the long run they will come around, because they're going to have to! On another note, I would really recommend that you not act as the go-between for your parents. I don't think you should get involved in arranging a meeting between them. Your parents will have to learn to deal with one another on their terms. If your father wants to see your mother, then he should contact her himself. If she doesn't want to see him, then he's going to have to work that out. It isn't up to you to fix things between them. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, I just don't want to see you get in the middle of things. It is the hardest thing to see people you love not getting along. I really wish you the best.[/B]


No I agree. I only did it this one time. I have told both of them that I'm staying neutral. That I think they both made mistakes. I told them I want to have a relationship with them both when this is done.


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## saltymalty (Sep 14, 2004)

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You have a very good head on your shoulders. It's going to be a bumpy road for your family...but in the end it will all work out.


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## Karen542 (May 4, 2005)

Ahh, so sorry to hear the news


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## Julie718 (Feb 17, 2006)

Sorry to hear about your parents divorce...


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## LexiAndNikkisMom (Apr 13, 2004)

My mom talked to her new boss this morning and explained what was going on. She is going to take sick time starting this afternoon thru next Tuesday. She will be returning to work on Wednesday. Hopefully my brothers calm down by then.


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## CandicePK (Nov 11, 2004)

Kristi







I'm thinking about you. I hope everyone can find some peace in all of this. I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough here to vent. Please take good care of yourself.


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## littlepeanut (Dec 5, 2004)

Kristi, so sorry to hear about this. I hope in the end everything works out well for everyone. I feel weird saying this because we are just about the same age (I think







) but you're being really mature about the whole situation and I'm sorry your brothers are making this even harder on your family. Everyone handles things differently and sometimes people just need someone to blame. We'll be thinking about you and your parents







Remember to take care of yourself too.


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## pico's parent (Apr 5, 2004)

What a mess divorce causes! Almost worst than the bad marriage. I think you are wise to stay out of mediating and acting as go-between. Your brothers' anger will only extend to you as well.

What I have observed in my many years of life is that men seem opposed to counseling under the assumption that the counselor will take the wife's side and all the blame and faults will be on the husband's side. My daughter and her soon-to-be ex went to several different counselors before finding one they were both comfortable with. And it was an eye-opener for both of them. Did they change their ways permanently? No. It seems backsliding by one leads to backsliding by the other which leads to permanent backsliding by the one, etc. etc. etc. And both parties have to be firmly committed to making the marriage work, no matter what. When the backsliding begins, ONE has to resist and get dialogue going and the OTHER has to recognize their slackening off and get back on track. That is why both parties have to be committed to the MARRIAGE.

I see this committment in my own (2nd) marriage and it is thrilling. We have talked divorce many times in our 16 years (during those first few shakedown years and again when we started working together and he was my boss) but always recognize that we want this marriage to continue til death do us part and we work it out eventually. 

So, there is really nothing you can do to help your parents go for counseling or anything else. And if you are having a difficult time talking with your temporarily maddened brothers, maybe writing a letter to them would help them focus on this fact. Boys often put their mothers on a morally superior pedestal and expect them to continue on to sainthood and when something threatens that image it threatens their entire worldview of women, including future girlfriends, spouses and even sisters! Women are people, too but mothers are supposed to be different. Pah!

One more thing: isn't this a great site when you can trust your forum members to listen and be supportive?


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## suzimalteselover (Mar 27, 2006)




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