# Advice needed - sister moving in with kids and her dog



## Grace'sMom (Feb 22, 2012)

My sister (older then me) is moving in with us in about a week and a half. It wasn't really planned but BIL got a new job and they want to be moved before it starts. Until they get settled down here they will be living with us (3-6 months).

My sister is currently pregnant with boy #2. My nephew will be 1 year end of this month. She is due end of next month. They are also bringing their 4 year old min pin x poodle with them.

I am thrilled I get to see my nephew and that she will be here when nephew #2 is born so I can be a part of that. So excited about that. BUT there are some issues....

I sort of need some tips here.

My sister is very.... let's just say lots of issues. She and I are total opposites and our personalities often clash. My sister is very spoiled and at 33 still acts like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum at times, so often gets her way. I also don't agree with her parenting philosophies or style. So this is going to be stressful for me as it is. 

But to add 2 babies (12 months and newborn) to the house with 3 small dogs (Gus 17 pounds, Bella (her's) 12 pounds, Grace 3 pounds) might cause some issues.

Especially since my sister's philosophy is: Baby will learn not to hurt the dog if the dog bites him a few times.

Seriously - that is what she believes.

Baby has already been too rough with her dog who is a saint when it comes to him. She knows not to bite children, so why my sister thinks she would ever defend herself this way I have no idea. Plus - that is just wrong on all levels, so yeah.... I do know how wrong and messed up that is.

But my nephew has grabbed her too hard, pulled on her legs (which are sticks), hit her, bit her ear, just to name a few things. If this was a BIG dog I wouldn't be so concerned, as big dogs can handle more of a young child's rough play. Though I still do not agree it should be allowed.

So you can probably guess that I am a nervous wreck right now worried about my dogs with my sister and her babies.

I do try to take Gus and Grace everywhere I can with me. But there are times when they have to stay home - grocery store, for instance. But it is a short time they are alone. I don't have energy to go out much so am usually home if not at appointments which they attend with me.

So for 90% off hte time I'd be here to supervise. But it's the 10% that I am worried about. And a lot can happen in just 15 - 20 minutes.

I don't want Gus or Grace to ever have to "defend" themselves against a child. I'd put up rules that Grace and Gus stay confined to my room while I am gone, but I know my sister wouldn't listen. She does whatever she wants.

I just... I don't really know what to do. I love my sister and my nephews and will be happy to get to see them so often. But I'm so stressed out about the dogs. Her dog is such an anxious mess because she never gets walked (she is a "purse puppy"), has severe separation anxiety, only gets to go outside to potty, and is left alone with an 11 month old in his play room gated in.

I plan to keep my room as the "safe room" for my dogs. An area that my nephews will not be allowed in. I do want Grace to be around my nephew - but highly supervised short sessions only - like her being held on my lap. Gus does okay with him but doesn't really like playing or being touched, just sitting nearby.

I'm worried that since Grace is so young this is going to effect her negatively. My sister's dog isn't that well behaved. It always takes me weeks to break Gus of the bad habits he picks up from Bella after visits from my sister and her dog. He always picks up things like food guarding and growling, barking (oh she is a barker! And Grace is finally learning "quiet"), and BEGGING (bugs my dad the most). Bella was the first dog to bite Gus, which made me mad. My sister believes it is all okay behavior because Bella is so small. So she is manageable. But if Bella was a big dog - she would be seriously dangerous. I'm worried for Grace because she is so small. And I really don't want her growing up with those behaviors.

I get compliments on Gus all the time. Even with his anxiety issues - he is a great dog and well behaved. I've been using the same methods with Grace (and asking advice from you all in areas that are new for me). I really want to continue with that.

Has anyone ever had a situation like this? A family member moving in with their dogs? Or with their kids?

How do I tell her that I don't want her son (my beloved nephew - don't get me wrong I LOVE him unconditionally) cannot be alone with my dogs ever?

There is a reason breeders don't put tiny dogs with small children and my sister is that reason.

How do I survive the next 6 months with my dogs intact?


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## Malt Shoppe (Jul 20, 2011)

WOW T, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes right now!

Maybe you should be realistic and phone your sister, tell her it might be best for them to remain where they are until after the baby is born or when the job actually begins. I just don't think it's fair for them to move into your house for that period of time with so much baggage; it's almost impossible for that to work successfully, I believe, considering the headstrong personality of your sister & all your differences.

If there is no alternative and it has to be this way, I'd certainly put a locking doorknob on your bedroom door, keep the key with you at all times and away from your sister!

My philosphy is, if the company doesn't like the way you run your house and the children in it, they can leave! It is YOUR house.

I hope you will rethink this, it just doesn't sound very workable with the personalities you decribe. Sorry to be so blunt....but you asked!!!! It would be sad if it created tension in your household between you & your husband, which can very easily happen.


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## Sylie (Apr 4, 2011)

They should rent a furnished apartment until they can get more settled. Telling her this may damage your relationship, but having them move in will destroy it. If your dog bites her child or if her child kills your dog, neither one of you will get over it. One or two weeks might be tolerable, but 3 to 6 months is not going to work. It would be hard enough to have this situation if she were a person who respected your space, but you already know she doesn't. You may love them, but your first responsibility is to your husband and children...even if they are hairy children. 

If you are nervous now, you aren't going to be better.

I have to ask, did you offer first or was it her idea?

Additionally, your health should not be subjected to this kind of stress. You know that already, don't you?


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

Oh my dear Tori, you and I both know this is something that you do not need. Continue on with your normal routine, however, as you said, your bedroom with be your babies safe haven. 

You don't have to say a thing to your sister about not wanting her son near your babies, anytime he gets near your babies, just scoop your babies up. Saying something to your sister, will only make you upset as I am sure she will respond negatively. 

Your babies are precious, and I am sure your anxiety level is through the roof. You do not need that.

Honeslty, they need to stay somewhere else, but I know that will go over like a lead balloon.

No, I've never had this happen, and the anticapation of all of this to take place, causes great anxiety, but the Mommy in you, when they arrive, will kick in. Trust me.

Just worry about you and your babies, it's a difficult situation, one of which you should not be in, but only worry about you and your babies, and have your bedroom as their play ground for the 6 months.

I know you love your nephew dearly, but you can always spend quality time with him under different circumstances.

The 10% of the time, that you are worried about, is their a neighbor that you are very close to, that you trust, that you could drop your babies off for the short amount of time you wil be gone.

Love you Tori.


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## LexiMom (Feb 7, 2012)

What a very tough position you are in. But they are moving into your house and and you have rules that they will have to abide by I know if I was moving into my sisters house I would respect all her rules - these are YOUR babies and you need to lay the rules down.


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## zooeysmom (Aug 1, 2011)

Absolutely do not let them move in. Sorry, I know it's family but if your sister won't respect you and your house rules, she doesn't deserve to stay with you. That sounds like the most stressful plan. Don't subject your pets to it.


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## jmm (Nov 23, 2004)

1. My house, my rules. They'll need to respect that. Write the rules out and keep them posted. Be 100% clear with your sister that if they are do not follow the rules, they will be asked to leave. 
2. Put a lock on your door to ensure your dogs are safe. Lock them in if you have to leave.


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## Grace'sMom (Feb 22, 2012)

Haven't read all of these yet - I should have clarified -

This isn't my house. It is my parents'.

I live with them since getting really sick a few years ago. I can't move out because I am doing treatment and basically debilitated.

So I don't have much say in if they come or not, and how long they stay


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

Grace'sMom said:


> Haven't read all of these yet - I should have clarified -
> 
> This isn't my house. It is my parents'.
> 
> ...


 
I love you Tori, we will figure something out. Love you dearly.


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## Grace'sMom (Feb 22, 2012)

Okay...

Yeah. If it were my house I'd tell them to find a close by apartment.

My sister is only moving down here in hopes of having a live in nanny (I was a highly respected nanny for 12 years before getting so sick I had to stop working - which is why I struggle SO MUCH with her parenting). Again. The whole thing is totally messed up. Lots of issues.

I am worried about my own health... my treatment is intense and requires a pretty strict routine, lots of rest and quiet.

But I'm like just about everyone here - my fluffs are my babies and so my worries for them really outweigh the worries for myself.

I will have a baby gate up in my room so nephew can't get in, and will just make it clear that my space is off limits.

Will move Gracie's crate into my room and start getting her used to having it there so that when I go out those few times I can put them in my room.

I could try to plan all errands that I can't take them with me on the same day (hard on me but might be easier due to the stress leaving them would cause), and take them to daycare for a few hours.

Will see about getting a lock for my door. But that might cause issues with my parents feeling like I don't trust my sister (which I don't)....

Thanks all..... I do wish I had other options.


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## Furbabies mom (Jul 25, 2011)

Oh this is hard... My daughter and granddaughter moved in after the death of my son in law . Even though my daughter is very sweet and so is my granddaughter it has at time , been hard. My granddaughter was two and a half at the time and I had to put the pups away when she was in the family room. Kids are kids and they are rough ! She just turned 5, so is a lot calmer now. Taking into account of your sister's philosophy on dog's and children, i'd say it's going to be rough! You will probably feel like a prisoner in your room. I'd talk to your parents and see if some other solution can be found. If not... Just keep your dog's with you not allow them to be alone with your sister or her child. Good luck , I hope all works out!


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## Snowbody (Jan 3, 2009)

Oy, is the French term I would use to describe this. :w00t: I'm wondering about how your parents are feeling about this? Can you talk to them honestly and do they get it, even if they look the other way with her, they may well know what she's really like. I think you have to make things very clear as to what the rules are with your dogs. You don't want an incident where your sister's child could get injured and have them file a complaint against your dogs. I just don't trust people. What are the dog bite laws around you? Maybe you can show her them and tell here despite her feelings, your dogs could be at risk or euthanized because of her cavalier behavior. I just think you have to protect Gus and Grace any way you can. Would your parents be on your side and guard your dogs when you're not there or are they just as bad as she is? I'm just praying that they find a house really soon. Maybe you can aid them with that and be checking the web for great houses and help your sis (and yourself) :thumbsup:


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## Sylie (Apr 4, 2011)

Okay, Tori, I have given this a lot of serious thought. Sometimes, it seems that we have no choice in life, but we do...it may be limited. Right now you have a very limited choice in how your life will go. You need to make a list of your real options and consider it carefully. You do have options. You have said that you love your sister and your nephew, consider that very carefully. Love means you accept her for who she is and PUT UP with it. Don't allow her different personality to eat away at you. Find a method that will protect your babies. Consult your heart. You all lived together in harmony (or screaming fights that you got over) when you were kids. No matter what she does, if you make a pact with yourself to accept her and put up with her...and smile. You will get through this...and when it is hard, you can secretly come to us for support. We will be here. I had to go "back home" when my mother was dying and it was quite an interesting adjustment. I'll be here for you. Just puff yourself up real big and say "I can and will get through this."


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## Grace'sMom (Feb 22, 2012)

Furbabies mom said:


> Oh this is hard... My daughter and granddaughter moved in after the death of my son in law . Even though my daughter is very sweet and so is my granddaughter it has at time , been hard. My granddaughter was two and a half at the time and I had to put the pups away when she was in the family room. Kids are kids and they are rough ! She just turned 5, so is a lot calmer now. Taking into account of your sister's philosophy on dog's and children, i'd say it's going to be rough! You will probably feel like a prisoner in your room. I'd talk to your parents and see if some other solution can be found. If not... Just keep your dog's with you not allow them to be alone with your sister or her child. Good luck , I hope all works out!


Thanks  She does have some insane philosophies. I honestly don't know where she has gotten them. We grew up with dogs and were taught to be gentle and respectful. We were never left alone with an animal until we were 8 or 9 and they knew we understood and respected them.



Snowbody said:


> Oy, is the French term I would use to describe this. :w00t: I'm wondering about how your parents are feeling about this? Can you talk to them honestly and do they get it, even if they look the other way with her, they may well know what she's really like. I think you have to make things very clear as to what the rules are with your dogs. You don't want an incident where your sister's child could get injured and have them file a complaint against your dogs. I just don't trust people. What are the dog bite laws around you? Maybe you can show her them and tell here despite her feelings, your dogs could be at risk or euthanized because of her cavalier behavior. I just think you have to protect Gus and Grace any way you can. Would your parents be on your side and guard your dogs when you're not there or are they just as bad as she is? I'm just praying that they find a house really soon. Maybe you can aid them with that and be checking the web for great houses and help your sis (and yourself) :thumbsup:


LOL I've started looking for apartments and townhomes in the area! They are planning to rent since they are planning to move again once Nephew #1 is ready to start 1st grade.

My parents I think feel a little overwhelmed. My sister has a STRONG personality. I was so sick as a child that they "made up" for it by giving my sister whatever she wanted. They are just now seeing and understanding the damage that has done.

They are worried if they try to put too many boundaries on her that she will take their grandsons away from them  Sadly I wouldn't put it past my sister to do that. So they are sort of walking on eggshells. My sister gets VERY angry and LOUD when she doesn't get her way and my parents sort of just roll over and give her what she wants to prevent that. Sad but true.

I will look up bite laws. I think she thinks that because the dogs are so small a bite would just scare the baby. But little dogs have sharp teeth and can do serious damage. You are right that if something happened that required an ER visit things would not turn out well  I can't even think about that.

Both my parents and BIL will be traveling for work Mon- Thursday. So it will be just me, my sister, the babies, and the dogs. So I won't really have anyone to back me up or help me out.




Sylie said:


> Okay, Tori, I have given this a lot of serious thought. Sometimes, it seems that we have no choice in life, but we do...it may be limited. Right now you have a very limited choice in how your life will go. You need to make a list of your real options and consider it carefully. You do have options. You have said that you love your sister and your nephew, consider that very carefully. Love means you accept her for who she is and PUT UP with it. Don't allow her different personality to eat away at you. Find a method that will protect your babies. Consult your heart. You all lived together in harmony (or screaming fights that you got over) when you were kids. No matter what she does, if you make a pact with yourself to accept her and put up with her...and smile. You will get through this...and when it is hard, you can secretly come to us for support. We will be here. I had to go "back home" when my mother was dying and it was quite an interesting adjustment. I'll be here for you. Just puff yourself up real big and say "I can and will get through this."


I am trying to breathe..... LOL Lots of breathing. And trying to just think of the positive: I will get to see my nephew, and I will get to be there for the birth of my 2nd nephew. That it is only 3-6 months.

I'm trying to figure out what I need to organize or pack up to make space for so that I can make my room a comfy safe place for the dogs. 

My sister doesn't believe in my illness and thinks my treatment is bogus. She thinks I will be able to take care of her kids for her, and I won't. So I have a feeling she isn't going to be the nicest person for while living here.

But I will make a list of my options so I have them to remind myself LOL

And thanks for the support. I do appreciate it. I want what is best for my fluffs. They depend on me to keep them safe.


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## SammieMom (Nov 13, 2010)

TOTAL HONESTY with your entire family or I am afraid it's going to be very hard and dangerous for all the children and pets in this situation. 

Good luck. Keep us posted.

As hard as it is to think about, this is a real possibility. It happened to my nephew when he was 6. He is ok, but it happened so fast. The dog was euthanized. 

_I will look up bite laws. I think she thinks that because the dogs are so small a bite would just scare the baby. But little dogs have sharp teeth and can do serious damage. You are right that if something happened that required an ER visit things would not turn out well  I can't even think about that._


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## Sylie (Apr 4, 2011)

Grace'sMom said:


> Thanks  She does have some insane philosophies. I honestly don't know where she has gotten them. We grew up with dogs and were taught to be gentle and respectful. We were never left alone with an animal until we were 8 or 9 and they knew we understood and respected them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Oh sweetheart, I truly understand. Several years ago I pulled a tick of my DH. A week later he started to have weird pains, especially in one knee. We researched a lot and found the effects of Lymes disease. He did recover, and he probably didn't have it. But I know what a horror it is...especially if it goes undiagnosed as it did with you. All I have to offer is my love and understanding...as I am sure most other SM members offer. Our love and understanding and someone to lean on whenever you need it.
No matter when or why you need it, we will be here for you.


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## SammieMom (Nov 13, 2010)

I was just wondering Tori about a friend that may be able to keep Grace while they are staying with you. You could visit her. Just a thought. I know others have done that in these situations. 
xoxo


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## munchkn8835 (May 23, 2010)

This may sound a bit harsh, but if you are staying in my house, you follow my rules....if you can't....don't let the stormdoor hit you in the butt on your way out! I agree with them getting a furnished apt. for the few months needed.


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## Grace'sMom (Feb 22, 2012)

Thanks all, I appreciate the support...

Talking to my dad about finding an area the babies can be gated off to stay "corralled" so that the dogs can have the run of the house. Will also help because nothing in my parents' house is baby proofed. So that might be a good semi-solution


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## SammieMom (Nov 13, 2010)

Grace'sMom said:


> Thanks all, I appreciate the support...
> 
> Talking to my dad about finding an area the babies can be gated off to stay "corralled" so that the dogs can have the run of the house. Will also help because nothing in my parents' house is baby proofed. So that might be a good semi-solution


This is a start. Thx for posting. I think I woulmyles any allies here to set some rules. I'm just wondering if it will change when the sister arrives. Seems there may be some control issues with her and your parents. 
Cont'd good luck.


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## Maglily (Feb 3, 2009)

When you go out for errands , do you have a friend who will doggy sit for an hour or 2, or a morning while you are out ? for that first trip out, i think I would make it very short.


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## LuvMyBoys (Jan 2, 2012)

Wow Tori, you have quite a situation on your hands, don't you? I wish there was a way that you and Gus and Grace could come stay with ME for 3-6 months :thumbsup: ! Ha, how fun would that be, 4 fluffies running around, and if we could find another we could be Pat or Debbie :aktion033: ! And my kids are no trouble, one ignores the dogs, one helps!

I hate that you are facing this, with everything else you are going thru. Sounds like your sister is a piece of work, but at least you have a good head on your shoulders. I think your room is going to turn into yours and the dogs' sanctuary for the length of the visit. I hope you will be able to work out getting a lock on your bedroom door for the times you are away. 

At least you will have time to be a positive influence on your nephew while y'all are under the same roof.


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## Summergirl73 (Sep 18, 2011)

Uggh what an uncomfortable situation for everyone. It's wonderful that you can all lean on one another, but the annoyance will certainly be in the details. You've already gotten a ton of suggestions, so I don't really have much to offer. I would just make sure that you get the necessary rest that you require. It will also be so important to keep any stress off of your parents. They are being so gracious and loving already. It sounds like you are very blessed to have them in your life. Wish I could do more to help. Take care.


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## edelweiss (Apr 23, 2010)

Tori, the saying goes "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." But in your case I would beg to differ here. I really don't see a lot of rose color in this image. :no2: To be perfectly honest, please forgive me as I do wish I could fudge on the truth, I think your parents are enabling your sister and you are left to pay the price. Your sister does have someplace else she could go, but in your situation you don't---you need your quiet & rest, and lack of stress to recover enough just to function on a daily basis. I don't think she will ever accept that so I would sit down & level w/my parents and let them know why you need a lock, and why you may appear at times to be "unsocial" up-front (before your sister comes). You will have to be your own advocate here, and the advocate of your babies. :wub:
Try to be out and about as your energy allows. Make a list of places you can retreat to where you can take the pups. That puppy class sounds like it should be at the top of the list.
Be honest w/your sister when you need to, but don't expect her to change. We will pray the time goes quickly and that you will find grace for each new day. We will be here to cheer you.:aktion033::aktion033:


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## Grace'sMom (Feb 22, 2012)

Thanks again all 

Yes, they enable her. But in their defense - she is scary LOL The craziest thing is - she is not like that with friends, so you know she knows on some level it is not acceptable. My sister needs therapy. I was so sick as a baby and then once I got lyme (and we didn't know) she was always shoved off to neighbors or friends so my mother could be with me at the hospital. My being sick now triggers things for her. So I understand her and feel compassion for her - but on the same level I have a hard time accepting her behavior.

We will have a play room for her boys. I don't see her fussing over it since most of the house is tile, and the room we'd give her to gate off would be carpet.

I sleep until 10 am, getting up once to let the pups out. I've given up trying to get Grace to eat before 10, so we just sleep LOL I can lock my door from the inside so she can't disrupt that sleep (I sleep with fans and white noise).

Lately I'm only up for about an hour, then rest again. Yay for little dogs who tire easily  3 days a week I have appointments, and those eat up a 3 hour chunk. I always have to rest when I get back.

The pool will be in by then and since it will be too hot for me to walk I will be swimming every day - for dog exercise and for part of my treatment - so that will eat up more time. I usually swim for an hour then have to rest. Gus loves to swim so I know he won't want to do anything else or get distracted. Will be teaching Grace to love it the same 

Our grandmother is coming out to help for a month. So that should give my sister her "babysitter". This is another reason for the playroom - my grandmother will need carpet, not tile to sit on. Hopefully after my grandmother leaves they will want their own place. I have a feeling BIL will be pushing for this.

I know it isn't ideal and won't be fun, but you guys have helped give me ideas and the support has been a huge help. I'm able to calm down with it more. I do have to take care of my health first. She has been very upset with me being unable to travel up there to attend nephew's big milestones/firsts. But I always tell her I'd rather miss things now and be there to watch him grow up, rather then being there right now and missing him grow up.

If she is mad at me during her stay here - she is mad at me. But I will stick to my routine as much as possible. If I have to leave the dogs, I will make sure it is on a Friday or Saturday when my parents are home to supervise. I know they won't let any of the dogs or my nephew get hurt. 

Again - thanks so much :wub:


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## hoaloha (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks for the update, Tori! It seems like many have given great suggestions so far :-D I think gating off the babies will be a great idea and practicing crating Grace in your room in preparation will work well. Please continue to prepare but I hope you do not become too stressed out in the process. Health first  We are here to support you!


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

Grace'sMom said:


> Thanks again all
> 
> Yes, they enable her. But in their defense - she is scary LOL The craziest thing is - she is not like that with friends, so you know she knows on some level it is not acceptable. My sister needs therapy. I was so sick as a baby and then once I got lyme (and we didn't know) she was always shoved off to neighbors or friends so my mother could be with me at the hospital. My being sick now triggers things for her. So I understand her and feel compassion for her - but on the same level I have a hard time accepting her behavior.
> 
> ...


Tori, love you so much, and you remember we always are here for you. YOU take care of YOU, and as I say, sometimes 'the best reaction is no reaction". So if sis, who I am sure loves you deep down, acts "odd", just smile and walk away, and take care of YOU. I adore you Tori.

You have helped ME so much, I most certainly will be there for you.

All my love,
Christine


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## LJSquishy (Feb 27, 2008)

Take a deep breath...things will most likely work out okay. Remember, it's only temporary.

The first thing I would do is install a baby gate in your bedroom doorway that can keep children out and your two pups safe. Make sure little Grace can't squeeze through. I think even when a gate is installed in the doorway you can still close your bedroom door...if not, put a locking door knob on your door and when you are gone, crate your dogs in your room with your door locked if you do not think your sister will respect your wishes to leave the dogs alone while you are not present.

Unfortunately since your sister is bringing her misbehaved dog, Grace may very well pick up some undesirable behaviors. Dogs mimick each other, especially as puppies. I know firsthand! London taught Preston to bark at the mailman. Try and set aside time for just you and your dogs to have short training sessions daily (5-10min) to reinforce positive behavior. You may even be able to work with your sister's dog and improve his/her behavior as well!

Since this is not your own home, I agree that you cannot just blurt out a ton of rules for your sister to follow, but it is reasonable to list out a few expectations since both you and your parents have some medical issues. I think it is just fine to expect that no one enters your own personal space (bedroom) unless invited, to not feed your dogs, to not play rough with them, etc. and certainly it is not your responsibility to nanny your nephew (soon to be nephews). I'm sure you love them and will want to help out here and there but make sure your sister understands that you are not a childcare facility. I have had to deal with that a little bit within my own family -- I'm a housewife with no children due to difficulties conceiving & carrying (I've had two miscarriages) and at times I've been taken advantage of with babysitting my nieces and nephew.

It will probably be a little chaotic for the first couple of weeks, but I think you can all adjust. Make sure you ask your sister for help around the house, especially with her having little ones. She still needs to do her own part in keeping house. 

Good luck to you, and remember, you can ALWAYS vent here!!!


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## Grace'sMom (Feb 22, 2012)

Hi all...

I wrote something to go over with my parents. Hoping you can read it and tell me if it sounds reasonable. Trying to avoid sounding hostile, dramatic, or too accusatory. But sometimes my Lyme makes that hard. So wondering how this sounds to outsiders:

Thanks :wub:

*1. The dogs*

a. I do not want Gus or Grace to be unsupervised with the babies. Gus was not raised with babies/toddlers so it would be irresponsible of me to allow it with him. Grace is too small to be unsupervised with a toddler. Lliam could seriously injure her.

b. Melyssa has stated that she is “worried about Bella” because Bella is apparently very “territorial” _(not in the letter but this is my sister's way of nicely saying Bella has bitten or attacked other dogs of their friends' for getting too close to her or my nephew)_ over her and Lliam. She says she doesn’t think it will get better with the baby, only worse. This worries me, as well. So I’m not sure I want Gus and Grace with Bella unsupervised, either.

c. Since Bella is so territorial, I don’t want Gus and Grace with Bella around Lliam. Our state has a strict bite law. They are not a “one bite state” like their current state. One bite here may mean a dog being put to sleep. I don’t want to risk Lliam getting in the line of a bite because Bella is too territorial.

e. I was going to use the tech room as the dog food room since that can be gated. I do not want Lliam around the dogs while they are eating or chewing a bone. Yes he needs to learn to leave dogs alone while eating, yes the dogs need to learn to not be food aggressive – but I don’t want Lliam to learn this at the expense of the dogs or vice-versa._ (my dogs are not food aggressive but may be with Bella in the mix)_


*2. The baby gates*

a. Part of why I would like a gate is so Lliam can be gated for short periods so that I can have Gus and Grace out of my room and not worry about having to have them sitting right with me.
b. Now that I heard from Melyssa that Bella is so territorial and *she* is worried about Gus and Grace getting hurt by Bella – It would be nice to have a gated area because I know Bella stays with Lliam. So this would keep them separate so there are no fights with Lliam in the middle. And so Gus and Grace aren’t bullied in their own home.

b. But if Melyssa completely refuses, I’d like to have a gate to block off the hall way so that Gus and Grace can have my room, Mom’s study, and the small hall right here to play in so we aren’t trapped in my room all day. But it will also keep him away from my door so that I can rest and have quiet when I need to.



*3. Compromises*

a. I need there to be discussions about changes. That we all need to talk about some things and come to a compromise. I'm open to compromises, but I feel that Melyssa is just taking over. Instead of her being open to compromising some things to help everyone feel comfortable she has the attitude of, “You are going to just have to get over it because I won’t do that.” The “my way or no way” thing. It would be nice if she could ask everyone who will be living here what would help us feel more comfortable or if we have a preference and then coming to a compromise if necessary instead of her just demanding things. I know they are her kids, but this is now going to be a communal living space.

I know this situation is temporary but it could be a long temporary and I’m not comfortable with letting Melyssa have all the say in things if they do end up being here for 6 months or more. I don’t want to be confined to my room for 6 months or more because she won’t put a gate up for brief periods during the day. And that may seem like a stupid thing to her or maybe even you but I will be alone with her for 4 days a week. I love Lliam and am happy to get to spend time with him. But I also need times when I’m not constantly going to have to watch where the dogs are and where Lliam is.

I need to know Melyssa is going to come talk to me when you all are away. I’m not saying she has to ask me if she can do something – just a heads up would be nice. Or if it is something like people coming over or changing something around it would be nice to be asked if I’m okay with it or would like it somewhere else. I have weeks where I am in A LOT of pain so sometimes I need her to be a little flexible. I feel like she thinks she can just do whatever and not even ask me or give me a heads up. And when I ask her to think about doing something differently because of my health, she doesn’t even consider it. Her way or no way. (I edited this paragraph and now the font is all funky)

When I talk to her, the way she says things like “Mom will just have to get over it and suck it up because we don't do it that way” if mom tells her she’s worried about breakables or whatever – I have a hard time with that. I feel like she is demanding things and expecting all of us to change and compromise but won’t do the same. It’s an automatic no!


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

Grace'sMom said:


> Hi all...
> 
> I wrote something to go over with my parents. Hoping you can read it and tell me if it sounds reasonable. Trying to avoid sounding hostile, dramatic, or too accusatory. But sometimes my Lyme makes that hard. So wondering how this sounds to outsiders:
> 
> ...


Tori, you have been giving this alot of thought, and I don't blame you. Sometimes the anticaption of things gets us more upset, then when the events take place. Your list sounds very reasonable. The only thing I fear is if your sister gets wind of it. 

Maybe, play it by ear, stick to your guns, and I think the more you say to your sister (even though this list is for your parents), your sister will only get her back up in the air further.

Stick to your plan, you can share your plan with your parents, I am sure they will be in agreement, I more than understand your fears and trepedation, if your sister, goes against your plans, intervene quickly and continue on with your plans. You don't have to say a word. That may only start her up, which may be exactly what she wants you to do.

Just PLEASE take care of yourself, and I know you will more than take care of your precious baby as well. 

Try as best as you can, not to worry beforehand, but I know I probably would do the same thing.

You certaninly do not need this, but stick to your plan, and anything by pleasant conversations with your sister......avoid.

Do not let her get to you, or at least do not show that she is getting to you.

Go about your nomal routine as much as possible and perhaps ask your parents for their support while she and her gang is there.

Love you dearly,

Christine


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