# Relationships advice, opinions...



## kodie (Aug 24, 2004)

I'm not sure if anyone remembers my situation that i am in relationship wise but... I have been dating a guy now for 2yrs... he is 11yrs older than i am.. (him 39 and me 28). I recently moved in with him (4 months ago).. he has a 4yr old son and still working on finishing his divorce... (the divorce was supposed to be finished before i moved in but all these delays and and a bunch of BS has delayed it this long... this divorce taking this long was not planned or expected... or i wouldnt have moved in. Finanically, my bf had 2 roomates living with him before i moved in and he asked them to move out when we planned for me to come live with him... I didnt want to stick him and not move in when we found out the divorce trial was delayed so i went ahead and moved in.. ) 

I hope thats enough back ground info... 
This divorce has been difficult... the soon to be X is being very difficult and has even made statements about that she will ALWAYS be difficult. Its always one thing or another that keep occurring... she tried to get a perimant restraining order on him and everything in the hopes he wouldnt have custody of his son.. it only worked for 10 days until they had to appear in court about the order... the order was dropped and the judge yelled at her... claiming restraining orders are out there to protect people and not to be used as a weapon. This is just one example of the things going on... i understand divorce is hard and she is probably hurt and upset. I just want to know for my own sake... is anyone in a situation like i am?? Anyone end up marrying a guy in this situation? *Do things EVER get easier??? * Will she ever calm down? 

I am basically at a point that i love this man and have never met a guy like him... but i just dont know if i can handle this situation ...forever. I have been through a lot (just like the 2 people that are directly involved in the divorce)... but i am also young and never experience anything like this before... i just dont know what to do... there are times i would think its best if i end things with my bf. There are times I feel I need to give him a chance to settle his divorce and then see what happens between us and if i see improvements overall. 

I'm just so torn... any suggestions or personal experience would be great.


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## Cosy (Feb 9, 2006)

Stacy, I don't know what to tell you, other than you must really care for him to go through this type of 
frustration. 
I guess I can only offer one bit of advice. Follow your gut feeling. If you feel you should get out of
this, then do it. You're young and although it's not always easy to find a nice guy, it can be done.
I'm not a believer in there is only one right one for each of us. Fish in the sea, you know what I mean?
I do hope the child isn't suffering from all this, other than the breakup of the home, which, of course
is difficult for all children.

Oh, and one more thing. Since he has a child with this woman you will find she will have to be in your
lives for a very long time. Whether she settles down is the question and no one really knows the
answer to that one.


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## Starsmom (Jan 31, 2009)

"...there are times i would think its best if i end things with my bf. There are times I feel I need to give him a chance to settle his divorce and then see what happens between us and if i see improvements overall. "

You moved in with a man that has unfinished business with a previous relationship. I think your last thought in your post is your answer and your looking for approval. I wouldn't say end it, but definitely back it off considerably. Let him get his life in order, take some time to breathe, and decide what he wants to do. He needs to have time to be a parent, and help that little boy adjust to his new life too.

The soon to be ex is angry, and obviously has her own issues. Let him deal with her. Don't let their problems become yours.

It's too bad you didn't ask for advice before you moved in, b/c now it's time to go apartment hunting.

BTW, what's your parents input on this? Whatever you decide, do what's best for *you! :yes: 
*


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## drclee (Jul 16, 2008)

I'm a firm believer in taking care of yourself before anyone else. I think a lot of women make a lot of excuses for the men in their lives, then wait and hope things get better. Typically, things get worse, not better. Finding a good man is hard, but once you do, you realize why it's so important not to settle. You are still very young. This woman is not going to go away, and neither are all the issues that go along with her. Forever is a long time - if you are having doubts now, you should err on the side of caution and take some time to figure things out for yourself.
I wish you the best of luck.


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## lillykins (Oct 15, 2007)

My sis is married to a guy with 3 kids... now all grown.
Nope. It never gets easier.
Yes, the ex *can* stay vindictive forever.
Children with vindictive parents can become angry teenagers, and can bring further challenges.
Angry teenagers can become misguided adults who can bring still more challenges.

None of this is to say that you and the bf and the cutie-patootie can't have a wonderful life together.
Me? I'd haul all 3 of us into counseling. I'm a big believer in making your own destiny.

Good luck, and I sincerely mean that with absolutely no sarcasm. 
Whether with this bf or another, I hope you're fortunate enough to find the happiness I've found with my beloved.


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## Snowball Pie's Mommi (Oct 16, 2008)

Stacy, I can't tell you what to do. However, if it were me, I would seek some professional counseling. And, I would ask my bf to go with me. If he refuses, I would still go. A professional can help you sort out your feelings in an objective way.

Also, if it were me, I would at least wait until the divorce is final. That, in my opinion, would be the right tihng to do. If your boyfriend truly loves you, he will understand and wait. 

It sounds as if your boyfriend might have financial problems. I'm thinking this ... because you mention he lived with two other roommates for financial reasons. Were the roommates guys? 

As for his wife, who knows if she will change. Your bf and his wife had this child together, so she will always be in the picture, one way or another. Divorce is so hard on a child. Divorce can can affect a child for a lifetime, if the parents don't work together, in order to assure the child he is loved by both parents. And, it sounds as though there is already conflict in this marriage in regard to the child. 

I kind of think you are starting to answer your own question ... by questioning how long you think you can handle this situation. Your second to the last sentence says a lot, too.

I don't want to go into detail, Stacy ... but, I do speak from experience. I was married to someone thirteen years older than me. We had two children together. And, he cheated on me. I divorced him. And, now he is on his fourth marriage. I waited ten years before I remarried ... because I was so traumatized by his abusive ways. I was twenty-one when I married him. Now, I am married to a wonderful man ... completely different than my first husband. We have been married now going on twenty-seven years. 

You are young, and you do have your whole future ahead of you, Stacy. Are you ready to be a young step-mother? If the child is living with you, you will be a fulltime step-mother. Are you ready to take care of this child ... knowing how angry and upset his/her mother feels? This could end up being a bumpy road for years to come ... if this begins to affect the child in a negative way. 

You sound like a smart young lady who is beginning to think through a lot of this. So, only you can make the decision for what you want in the end. If you do decide to move out and wait until his divorce is final ... then don't allow him to make you feel guilty ... because you will have done nothing wrong. In fact, in my eyes ... you will have done the right thing. And, as I said before, if he really loves you, he will understand. If he doesn't understand, just remember that you are young, and you have plenty of time to meet the man who is meant to be with you.

I wish you the best, Stacy. :grouphug:


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## CeeCee's Mom (Sep 14, 2006)

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It is not your problem but the main thing is you cannot get on with your life because of it. If I am hearing you correctly, you are really on the verge of making a decision.........Good luck to you because you deserve an untangled life!!!!!


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## pammy4501 (Aug 8, 2007)

I have not personally experienced this problem, but I have lived as a married person for 35 years. 
I have had so many friends with these problems, your head would spin! The big question is, how
does he handle this kind of stress in his life. Does it effect your relationship with him? Because if
it does, it will not change. She will always be there, she is the mother of his child. You can't divorce
that. Do you want to have children with this man? Will it have an effect on your children? Yes, most
assuredly. You are entereing a blended family, and she (ex) is a member of that family too, for better
or worse. Only you can decide, am I better off with him, or without him? And you have to take him 
as he is, the whole package. Best wishes for your happiness.


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## SicilianRose (Jun 8, 2008)

I am married to a man with 2 handsome boys and a crazy ex-wife. Trust me it never gets easier and we have been through it all in the course of a 2 year marriage and a 5 year relationship. Because there is too much personal info to share with you I have sent you a PM. I have a lot of resources to provide to you and a lot of experience as well. Dating a divorced man with kids is a hard life and def not for those who are weak in the tummy. It is a roller coaster ride full of constant drama thanks to the ex. Hopefully his soon to be ex will be more accepting of you being in his life and the kids but there is a huge chance that she wont. I hope you are one of the lucky ones.

There are so many books that you can read that will help you with your relationship with the kids, your BF and his EX. Trust me, you should read these books because you are not only in the relationship with just him but in the relationship with the EX and kids too and they will never go away. Trust me, I have the battle scars and continue to bare them on my heart because of all the turmoil and stress that the EX/legal battles can cause. No matter how nice and neutral I am she still lashes out on me even though she was the one who cheated on my hubbie and left him for another. 

Read these books and they will help you cope with what ever situation that you may encounter. Like I said, I sent you a PM with my personal contact info as well. It is always good to talk to those who have shared in the same experience and who has been through it. I have gone through the Child Support battles, the Custody Battles, the craziness of the EX wife, Co-Parenting sessions, Parental Alienation, The horrible rumors spread by the ex, etc. 

This is one very important advice that I hope you follow, no matter what and how great your relationship is and if he loves you dearly he will understand- KEEP YOUR FINANCES SEPARATE AND DO FILE YOUR TAX RETURNS SEPARATE AS WELL!! My husband and I have our own accounts and then one joint account where the house hold bills get paid out of. We also file our tax returns separate as well. I also suggest that the two of you see a professional to help build and strengthen your relationship as well you see one on your own. Even though I am not crazy, lol, yes, I have had been evaluated during the custody hearing (it is a requirement of all involved by the court) I still speak to a professional to help cope with the stresses and drama that may arrise. Those could be because of the ex, or parenting issues because it is super hard when you are the step parent, etc. 

Huge hugs to you sweetie. 

Ex-Wives and Ex-Lives: Survival Guide for the Next Wife
http://www.amazon.com/Ex-Wives-Ex-Lives-Su...0197&sr=1-2

Happily Remarried: Making Decisions Together * Blending Families Successfully * Building a Love That Will Last
http://www.amazon.com/Happily-Remarried-De...1109&sr=1-1

Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts
http://www.amazon.com/Saving-Second-Marria...0894&sr=1-1

The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace
http://www.amazon.com/Single-Girls-Guide-M...0197&sr=1-7

7 Steps to Bonding with Your Stepchild
http://www.amazon.com/7-Steps-Bonding-Your...0495&sr=1-6

Stepwives: Ten Steps to Help Ex-Wives and Step-Mothers End the Struggle and Put the Kids First
http://www.amazon.com/Stepwives-Steps-Ex-W...0722&sr=1-1

Encouraging Words for New Stepmothers 
http://www.amazon.com/Encouraging-Words-St...0686&sr=1-1


Karon Phillips Goodman and Sally Bjornsen write great books about step-life, dealing with ex-wives and dating a divorced man. I have a HUGE library of these kinds of books at home, so if you want to borrow, just let me know.


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## Hunter's Mom (Dec 8, 2008)

My parents are divorced and have both basically remarried. It never gets easier for anyone - trust me. The X will always be there, the kid will always be hearing bad things about you (expecially since you will be step-mom vs. step-dad) and moving in before the divorce is final is just the added ammunition needed by the X to make things really bad.

I am now 28 years old and planning my wedding 2 years ago was a nightmare. My brother is getting married this fall and his planning is a nightmare. Graduations, birthdays, holidays, everything is always scheduled and it always ends up being a disaster when you have two litigious parties. It takes years for divorces with children to settle down to a more comfortable point.

Now that I am a divorce lawyer - I caution everyone. DO NOT START DATING ANYONE UNTIL AFTER YOUR DIVORCE IS FINAL AND THEN WAIT A FEW MONTHS TO A YEAR BEFORE YOU DO. I really feel like all parties need that time to collect themselves and let the issues that will come up around the first holidays get dealt with without the added pressure of pleasing another person.

Im sorry you are in this situation and I can't really help since I was never the dater but I was the child and am the attorney and this is the advice I have to give.


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## SicilianRose (Jun 8, 2008)

QUOTE (Hunter's Mom @ Mar 13 2009, 03:31 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=744657


> Now that I am a divorce lawyer - I caution everyone. DO NOT START DATING ANYONE UNTIL AFTER YOUR DIVORCE IS FINAL AND THEN WAIT A FEW MONTHS TO A YEAR BEFORE YOU DO. I really feel like all parties need that time to collect themselves and let the issues that will come up around the first holidays get dealt with without the added pressure of pleasing another person.[/B]



This statement is SO true. I remember those first holidays vividly and omg what hades his ex wife did to make it horrible for us. HEck, we are going on 3 years of marriage and it still is, lol, thanks to her and she is in a serious relationship. 

I sent you a PM to a wonderful site that is loaded with seasoned Veterans of step life and second marriages they are a wonderful resource as well in addition to those books I have named up above. But as Hunter's mom stated that break is very important because second marriages have a higher percentage of failing. But if it is too late for this, the links that I provided you in both here and in PMs will help you through this journey of being in a relationship with him, the kids and his ex. :hugging: I moved in with my hubbie before his divorce was final (it took 2 years for it to be so) and I moved in towards the last few months before she finally signed. Right now our marriage is strong and has survived a lot of horror and trust me, my situation is ranked up there with as the worst because of the hades we went through due to his ex making us miserable. Follow those resources and the advice of the counseling and also the financial advice and you can make it through it as well. BUT you have to answer this question- DO YOU LOVE HIM ENOUGH TO LIVE A LIFE THAT CAN AND MAY BE FULL OF STRESS AND DRAMA **AND** WILL HE APPRECIATE AND CHERISH YOU BECAUSE OF IT?????? If the answer is yes, then you already have a good foundation to survive what ever she throws your way.


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## Hunter's Mom (Dec 8, 2008)

I just reread what I wrote and realized that it might sound like you are doomed so here goes (round 2)

My mom started dating my stepdad one month after my parents divorced and we moved in with him 6 months after that (too fast in my opinion but I was a kid and money was tight for my mom). The married 1.5 years later. Step-dad is a really great guy and I owe a lot to him because I wouldn't be where I am today without him supporting my mom (and therefore me) in my teen years. He is 10 years younger than my mom. To this day I still look back and realized all the things he missed in life and it makes me even more thankful to him BUT I think our relationship and his relationship with my mom and their view of my dad would be better had he not been involved in the first year of decisions and court stuff that followed. 

If you choose to stay where you are, please take this advice. 

1. stay out of court as much as possible (don't even go for support) unless you are requested or ordered to be there
2. do not be there for exchanges (it makes it worse).

--Erin


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## bbry (Feb 17, 2007)

You definitely have to make these decisions based on your own best judgment but my first reaction would be

Move out until he can stand on his own feet with his problems with his wife and his finances.

If, when he is free and independent, emotionally and financially, you still love him, wait for marriage.

As things stand now, she is his wife & the mother of his child. He may not be able to change who the mother of his child is but he can change who his wife is.


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## SicilianRose (Jun 8, 2008)

QUOTE (Hunter's Mom @ Mar 13 2009, 03:47 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=744661


> If you choose to stay where you are, please take this advice.
> 
> 1. stay out of court as much as possible (don't even go for support) unless you are requested or ordered to be there
> 2. do not be there for exchanges (it makes it worse).[/B]


Very true. Erin is right. I stayed home during exchanges. After a certain amount of time of being in this relationship and being married to him, the ex has been a little bit more excepting of me being in their lives so I do pick up and drop off at times when it comes to the kids and my husband can not do it BUT that takes time to get to that point. I would stay in the back ground for now since this is so new to you. Now regarding court, my husband tried very hard to stay out of court but this can be hard to avoid if it is the Ex who is throwing suits at him every which way, even though she has no basis for it. We are hoping that she will be nailed one day with abusing the Judaical system but we are not holding our breath on that one. Like I said, those books and that website I sent to you is a wonderful resource and will tell you all that you need to know about this new form of life and will reiterate a lot of what is being said here.


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## MrBentleysMom (Dec 19, 2007)

I married a man with an ex-wife and a 7 year old son. 

Here's what I've learned: Crazy ex-wives will always be crazy ex-wives! And until the child turns 18 she will always be a part of your life. Especially if you marry this man. In my situation, the crazy ex-wife has gotten ALOT better but still causes problems. For instance, as far as visitation goes...we cant swap days, we cant get a babysitter, we cant have week nights (because of homework...crazy), we cant do this, we cant do that. It is always something!!! We bought a new car recently but can't tell her because she will try to raise our already obnoxiously high child support. 

Here's what I decided: For me it is best to learn to deal with the ex-wife than lose my husband. He is more important to me and I can deal with her to be with him. On the upside, I only have to deal with her once a week. That is 6 days a week that I am free of her. Bottom Line: I am in a happy marriage and I chose not to let her affect me....but it takes some time to get to that point. 

If you need or want to talk....PM me! I hope things work out for you. I know what a stressful situation this can be.


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## Dixie's Mama (Mar 19, 2008)

I am only going to offer an observation. I don't think you would be asking if you didn't have your doubts, Stacy. Be true to yourself. :hugging:


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## KAG (Jun 1, 2006)

Stacy,
The only thing I can think of at the moment is pray the ex meets someone else real soon. 
xoxoxo


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## sassy's mommy (Aug 29, 2005)

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor heck a fury like a woman scorned." (William Congreve)


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## maggieh (Dec 16, 2007)

QUOTE (SicilianRose @ Mar 13 2009, 02:37 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=744660


> QUOTE (Hunter's Mom @ Mar 13 2009, 03:31 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=744657





> Now that I am a divorce lawyer - I caution everyone. DO NOT START DATING ANYONE UNTIL AFTER YOUR DIVORCE IS FINAL AND THEN WAIT A FEW MONTHS TO A YEAR BEFORE YOU DO. I really feel like all parties need that time to collect themselves and let the issues that will come up around the first holidays get dealt with without the added pressure of pleasing another person.[/B]



This statement is SO true. I remember those first holidays vividly and omg what hades his ex wife did to make it horrible for us. HEck, we are going on 3 years of marriage and it still is, lol, thanks to her and she is in a serious relationship. 

I sent you a PM to a wonderful site that is loaded with seasoned Veterans of step life and second marriages they are a wonderful resource as well in addition to those books I have named up above. But as Hunter's mom stated that break is very important because second marriages have a higher percentage of failing. But if it is too late for this, the links that I provided you in both here and in PMs will help you through this journey of being in a relationship with him, the kids and his ex. :hugging: I moved in with my hubbie before his divorce was final (it took 2 years for it to be so) and I moved in towards the last few months before she finally signed. Right now our marriage is strong and has survived a lot of horror and trust me, my situation is ranked up there with as the worst because of the hades we went through due to his ex making us miserable. Follow those resources and the advice of the counseling and also the financial advice and you can make it through it as well. BUT you have to answer this question- DO YOU LOVE HIM ENOUGH TO LIVE A LIFE THAT CAN AND MAY BE FULL OF STRESS AND DRAMA **AND** WILL HE APPRECIATE AND CHERISH YOU BECAUSE OF IT?????? If the answer is yes, then you already have a good foundation to survive what ever she throws your way.
[/B][/QUOTE]

I've been divorced almost 6 years. About a year after I got divorced I started dating a guy with a crazy ex and two kids. No, it does not get easier. When the parents are battling they sometimes start to use the kids as a weapon and trust me the kids know it and often act out because of it. Your BF also moved too fast IMO. Since in my situation my ex had cheated on me I'm sort of overly sensitive on this one but the guy is still legally married and needs to get that straightened out first.

I agree with some of the other suggestions on counseling and trusting your instinct. You really need to put yourself first in this situation and don't worry about your BF's ability to pay his rent. 

I'm hoping for the best for you in all of this.

:grouphug: :heart:


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## kodie (Aug 24, 2004)

Thank you everyone for all your suggestions and support. :grouphug: 

It was a tough weekend because it was my bf's son's bday... the crazy X was again difficult on friday.. she didnt want to let my bf have his son (it was HIS weekend).. because of the son's bday being on sunday and she wanted to have a party for him. My bf planned a party as well for 2 hrs in the afternoon. Their lawyers had a telcon with the judge last week and her lawyer never mentioned anything about the bday and arranging time. My bf's lawyer didnt mention anything because it was HIS weekend so he already had him anyway. Since things are not settled yet with the Divorce all holiday are not assigned by the court yet. Needless to say i'm glad this weekend is over.

I was thinking of talking to someone professionally... i'm just afraid its gonna cost me a lot of money. Its nice to know that i'm not alone in this situation though. :blush: 

I think one of the sayings that stays on my mind is... "the grass isnt always greenier on the other side". I think sometimes that if I leave this relationship I could be dating someone with other problems... no one is ever going to be perfect. I think its unrealistic to think that looking for someone without a previous marriage is going to be the answer to happiness. I have dated other guys that were never married or had children... and i wouldnt say i was the happiest then. I also feel that a reason i'm questioning this relationship is because the divorce is not final... when we thought things were going to be done in oct 2008.

I'm taking things day by day at this point... I think my bf is also at a point that its hard for him to put 100% into our relationship when he emotionally is drained and tired.


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## kodie (Aug 24, 2004)

I also agree with many of the statements posted here. I think my bf realizes that he is causing more hurt to our relationship with things not be finalized with his own situation because last night he said to me... He doesnt regret having a relationship with me...he just wishes he didnt drag me into this and he can see it is hurting me and our relationship.


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## sassy's mommy (Aug 29, 2005)

QUOTE (Kodies mom @ Mar 16 2009, 10:08 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=746132


> Thank you everyone for all your suggestions and support. :grouphug:
> 
> It was a tough weekend because it was my bf's son's bday... the crazy X was again difficult on friday.. she didnt want to let my bf have his son (it was HIS weekend).. because of the son's bday being on sunday and she wanted to have a party for him. My bf planned a party as well for 2 hrs in the afternoon. Their lawyers had a telcon with the judge last week and her lawyer never mentioned anything about the bday and arranging time. My bf's lawyer didnt mention anything because it was HIS weekend so he already had him anyway. Since things are not settled yet with the Divorce all holiday are not assigned by the court yet. Needless to say i'm glad this weekend is over.
> 
> ...


Stacy, this past birthday weekend will be your every holiday, birthday, father's/mother's day for the rest of your life if you continue on with this guy. Even if the court designates holidays there is ALWAYS going to be tension and power struggles between these two. It is sad but they are each using the child as a tool to hurt the other one. Things will never, never, never change even after the divorce is final and if you don't want to have your every holiday or special occasion ruined then you will have to put yourself out of their little "family." You said that you think he is not giving 100% to your relationship.....ummmm, I hate to say it but things will never change. His "stress" with the intended "ex" should not in any way affect his attention towards you. If anything, you should be his shining light that gives him happiness and hope for happiness. If this isn't happening then your relationship is already doomed unless you are willing to live your life unhappy. No there is no Mr. Perfect anywhere, but there are guys who will love and adore you and not let past relationships spoil your happiness. I think if you could take a step back and breathe you will see...........since you love this guy you are making excuses for "his" bad behavior. You deserve better. Have you talked to you parents about this situation? Most of the time people who are not in the mist of the situation can see it as what it really is. You have heard the expression, "love is blind." You need to take off your blinders.


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## sassy's mommy (Aug 29, 2005)

QUOTE (Kodies mom @ Mar 16 2009, 10:20 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=746140


> I also agree with many of the statements posted here. I think my bf realizes that he is causing more hurt to our relationship with things not be finalized with his own situation because last night he said to me... He doesnt regret having a relationship with me...he just wishes he didnt drag me into this and he can see it is hurting me and our relationship. [/B]


Stacy you need to listen to what he has said........translation, I am not sorry I had an "affair" with you, but I should have either worked through things with my wife or finalized my divorce before I became involved with someone else. 

I think he is trying to say he needs to be free of the relationship with you so he can get himself straighten out. Everyone needs time to heal between relationships. 

Remember from your own experiences, it hurts less to end the relationship yourself than to be dumped. If this was really meant to be, then you can work through things once he has his life in order.


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## maggieh (Dec 16, 2007)

QUOTE (Kodies mom @ Mar 16 2009, 09:08 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=746132


> I was thinking of talking to someone professionally... i'm just afraid its gonna cost me a lot of money. Its nice to know that i'm not alone in this situation though. :blush:[/B]


I don't know if you are a student or if you work anywhere, but if your employer has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) it will cost you very little at least initially. If you are a student, even part-time, student health services usually has counseling as well.

Good luck, and keep us posted. Hugs to you!

Maggie


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## Cary (Jun 11, 2006)

Your situation is hearbreaking.... yet not unique.
I've been in his shoes before. I'd advise you to get out
now. I don't say that with lack of concern for your feelings.
Your feelings are real and matter. The pain eventually can
(it did in my now 2nd ex's situation) lead to bitterness and
resentment.
I'd rather not have gotten my 2nd ex involved in my situation
and all the extra drama and danger (that happens sometimes too).
She was a nice girl when we met and became someone I didn't
recognize after a couple years. Not to mention I had a lot of
things I needed to sort through and by jumping into another
relationship (and pretty quickly - marriage) I never was able to
totally clear my head. 
Now that we're divorced (over 2 years now) I've had a chance to
think things through. I've realized I'm not interested in another
relationship yet. Not that I haven't had crushes or other thoughts
but I now realize I was unfair to my 2nd wife by not finishing up
prior business before getting started with her.
I wouldn't go back to my 2nd wife (she wanted the divorce) but
I do feel she'd have been better off if we'd have ended it before
it got serious. She'd have been able to follow whatever dreams she
had prior to me and she'd be in a different place personally than 
she is now.
She came into my life at a time when I was hurting and alone.
She served a purpose. That sounds harsh but it's reality. I don't
think love is supposed to fit into the "served a purpose" box. It's
meant to be honored. Honorable means finishing what you've
started before moving on to the next project, thing, person.

Best,
Cary


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## JessicaMO620 (Sep 18, 2006)

I am currently watching (and have been for over a year now) my good friend date my fiances brother. He has a 6 year old. He was never married to the mother, just engaged. The mother hasnt been married, but in few relationships and as soon as she breaks up with (or vice versa) the current BF, she comes running back to my fiances brother begging him to take her back. Becoming best friends with his parents, going to their house all the time to get on their good sides. It really is ridiculous. And when he doesent take her back she sues him for more child support. 

It has been going on for six years. I do not see an end in sight.

It would take me days to tell you all of the horrible things she has done to make him feel guilty that they arent together. 

Trust me, its better to get away from it now, before you are married to him, breaking up is easier than divorce.


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## I found nemo (Feb 23, 2006)

QUOTE (Cary @ Mar 23 2009, 05:24 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=750178


> Your situation is hearbreaking.... yet not unique.
> I've been in his shoes before. I'd advise you to get out
> now. I don't say that with lack of concern for your feelings.
> Your feelings are real and matter. The pain eventually can
> ...


Great post , Cary! very honest and helpful IMO :thumbsup:


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## maggieh (Dec 16, 2007)

QUOTE (I Found Nemo @ Mar 23 2009, 05:39 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=750234


> QUOTE (Cary @ Mar 23 2009, 05:24 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=750178





> Your situation is hearbreaking.... yet not unique.
> I've been in his shoes before. I'd advise you to get out
> now. I don't say that with lack of concern for your feelings.
> Your feelings are real and matter. The pain eventually can
> ...


Great post , Cary! very honest and helpful IMO :thumbsup:
[/B][/QUOTE]

I agree - Cary, thank you for your honesty. :yes:


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## vjw (Dec 20, 2006)

You've been given some great advice. I highly recommend counselling too. Because of the way the two of you began your relationship, there's going to be some major trust issues come up in the future and you're going to need help dealing with that. 


Also, I have about five close friends who have married divorced men with children. Every one of them have talked to me about their husbands making their children priority instead of them. Seems like the husbands feel guilty for what the children have gone through and then overcompensate with time, attention, and gifts to the children.


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## Snowball Pie's Mommi (Oct 16, 2008)

QUOTE (maggieh @ Mar 23 2009, 08:57 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=750315


> QUOTE (I Found Nemo @ Mar 23 2009, 05:39 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=750234





> QUOTE (Cary @ Mar 23 2009, 05:24 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=750178





> Your situation is hearbreaking.... yet not unique.
> I've been in his shoes before. I'd advise you to get out
> now. I don't say that with lack of concern for your feelings.
> Your feelings are real and matter. The pain eventually can
> ...


Great post , Cary! very honest and helpful IMO :thumbsup:
[/B][/QUOTE]

I agree - Cary, thank you for your honesty. :yes:
[/B][/QUOTE]

Add me to the list, Cary. It's great to hear a man's perspective on this. And, you do sound honest.


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## elizabeth (Oct 31, 2008)

I'm SO sorry for what you are going through. As a Marriage and Family Therpist, I would really recommend professional counseling for the both of you as a couple. There are so many unresolved issues that could destroy your relationship. Go to AAMFT and look for a LMFT (licensed Marriage and Familt Therapist) in your area. It could really help.......my very best to you!


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## Gail (Oct 14, 2007)

Run fast, run far.


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## kodie (Aug 24, 2004)

it sounds like this type of relationship will never work? Does that mean there never is a situation where a couple can live "happily ever after"... (maybe not perfect but have a relationship together?)


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## The A Team (Dec 1, 2005)

Stacy, I'm sorry your relationship is turning out like this. I was so happy for you......

People can be really weird, it's like love and hate are so close, it's freightening. I guess the "X" could be a bitch for the rest of his life - but what a waste of time on her part. 

It can work, heck, my mom and dad were divorced and lived a mile from each other. My mom remarried and my dad as well as the rest of us were over their house for dinner at least once a week. It does take time though....and stable, level headed people. It was fun having two "dads" for several years.

But, I don't know if you'll be able to tough it out for as long as seems this "soon to be x" can hold a grudge. 

I guess I'd say hang in there as long as you can, but if it gets unbearable, you might want to move out, just to get your sanity back at least. Then figure it out as you go.


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## domino_angel (Apr 17, 2008)

This kind of situation is precisely why I decided to never again date a man who had children. Where do you think the term "baby mama drama" came from? It's far too complicated and whether you want to believe it or not, there are many other single, baggage-free men out there to love. 

It never gets better and its always going to be a monster pain in the neck. You will never come first, Not ever, so you'd better be okay with that. Good luck, but if it were me I would run faster than the Concord.


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