# Cheating men--an update



## camfan (Oct 30, 2006)

(not my husband, just to clarify right away...lol)
ok, this might get long. Most of you know I've been back to work now for 2 months after being a full time mom for the past 10 years. Yes, I'm about to turn 40 in about two weeks!!
ok, to the point...ok, you guys know I'm not all that bad looking for my age (or so they say)...let me tell you, the men out in the real world have been like GNATS. Never did I imagine!! Well, this one guy in particular...within just a few weeks of me working he added me to his IM and started messaging me--small talk, etc. It was nice to have a guy friend. Formerly ALL my colleagues were men so this was natural to me. Well, within a fairly short time I was getting the feeling that this guy was interested in more than friendship--but he was very subtle about it...he was constantly telling me how nice I looked, liked my outfits, I had a great sense of humor, liked my hair, you name it. Now, you'd think I would have seen the signs...not being in the "real world" (lol) for 10 years I have to say I was eating this right up and pretty naive about the whole thing. I started feeling ATTACHED to this guy, I mean, I am embarrassed to say it. Like I was getting sucked right in. Yes, I could have told him to get lost, etc. BUT he was my friend, he was friends with my new friends, I didn't want to make waves at a new job, etc. Anyway, it scared me how easy it could be to have an affair. I sat him down and told him things had to cool way down. He pined away, etc. Things were cool for about a week or so...then it all very gradually started back up again. Other people had told me stories about what a player he was, but I guess I didn't understand or didn't listen or didn't want to believe it, or all of the above. But people were noticing he was always around me, etc. I had another talk with him today and I had a shocking eye opening--(btw, he is divorced and currently owns a house with his girlfriend of 5 years) in the conversation he actually told me that the first affair he ever had was ONE WEEK before he married his first wife and his SECOND affair was TWO WEEKS AFTER he was married!! Someone else had told me that he cheated on his wife while she was pregnant! And, omg, I can't imagine the #'s in between that. I don't think I've ever heard of anyone that "bad." And to think I was getting sucked right into his web. Not that I am completely naive, but wow, he was getting to me. So yeah, after today's talk I am just beside myself. I am hurt, shocked, disgusted, angry--I'd like to punch him in the head. I mean, how the heck do I deal with this?? I know I have to distance myself, which I tried before, but we have to work somewhat together, his friends are my friends, etc. The whole thing is WAY more than I ever bargained for. 

Anyway, I hope you all don't think I'm a floozy, lol. I'm thanking my lucky stars that I have been somewhat smart through the whole thing. I guess I have a lot to learn about life still.

Of course my family knows nothing about this and I want to keep it that way.

As for the "other job"--because I don't have my clearance YET they dropped me like a hot potato, lol. They thought I already had my clearance. It takes several months and I just submitted my application back in November. So...when that goes through I think they will have the opportunity for me.

SO...wish me luck. I have to go face "Mr. who-wants-a-piece-of-me" again tomorrow and I have a feeling I am running out of patience. Any insights welcome.

Otherwise, Ollie is fine, hubby and kiddos are fine and we had a great Christmas. I'm sorry I could not post pics of Ollie opening his gifts...between our 5 day power outage from the storm and the holidays I was way over my head!!!

More later. Sorry this is so long!! I've missed you guys!!


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## MandyMc65 (Jun 14, 2007)

Man! That guy sounds like a real piece of work. I'd say just try not to talk to him except about work. Make it completely professional at all times. He isn't one who just wants to have some small talk. 

Glad to hear everyone is doing well and your Christmas was good! 

It's good to see you posting again and hope you have a great New Year and we see you around more often


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## mimi2 (Mar 29, 2005)

Sexual Harassment has come a long way since you were last in the work force. If anyone makes you feel uncomfortable you have to take it to you HR department. I once worked with my best friend and one of the guys there whom she considered a friend started telling her about how she was in his dreams and all this other gross stuff. Well, she didn't do anything about it and it made our work environment very uncomfortable to say the least. He wound up moving out of state so the problem was solved but she should have taken it to HR. It's not something to mess around with.

I think it's kind of natural the way you are feeling. You went from staying home for ten years where I'm sure you didn't get enough credit for being a mom and wife (none of you do) to now being in an office with new people who think you're attractive. You have people that are looking at you as something besides a wife and mother. It's flattering to say the least, but you know what to do. It sounds like you have a wonderful marriage and life.


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## LJSquishy (Feb 27, 2008)

I'm sorry you've had a male friend turn into a stressful situation. One thing I would do if I were in your shoes, is talk about this to your husband. If you don't mention it to him now and let your husband know that this is not okay with you and this other man was the one going after you (not the other way around), it can't blow up into something huge later on. Just let him know that you talked to him about how this all has to stop, etc, so that your husband is aware of what's going on. If someone was making passes at my husband, I would definitely want to know...and feel I deserve to know.

I hope this male friend of yours straightens his act up, or else he will lose a terriffic female friend! I'm glad you sat him down (twice, so far...lol) to let him know that you are loyal to your husband. I could NEVER cheat on my husband, even if we were on bad terms -- it's just not okay to do that to anyone.


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## Harley & Dakotas Mum (Jun 11, 2005)

QUOTE (mimi2 @ Dec 30 2008, 02:55 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=695441


> Sexual Harassment has come a long way since you were last in the work force. If anyone makes you feel uncomfortable you have to take it to you HR department. I once worked with my best friend and one of the guys there whom she considered a friend started telling her about how she was in his dreams and all this other gross stuff. Well, she didn't do anything about it and it made our work environment very uncomfortable to say the least. He wound up moving out of state so the problem was solved but she should have taken it to HR. It's not something to mess around with.
> 
> I think it's kind of natural the way you are feeling. You went from staying home for ten years where I'm sure you didn't get enough credit for being a mom and wife (none of you do) to now being in an office with new people who think you're attractive. You have people that are looking at you as something besides a wife and mother. It's flattering to say the least, but you know what to do. It sounds like you have a wonderful marriage and life.[/B]


 :goodpost: 

I also agree with the next post .. that you should discuss this with your Hubby. I always think to myself ... 'how would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot' ..... If this situation was happening to your husband, wouldn't you want to know?

Even though you are still relatively new to the job, I think you should have a chat with your HR person .... its best to get everything upfront, then you wont have to worry if this turns 'ugly' later on down the track

Good luck! (that guy is a jerk!)


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## CeeCee's Mom (Sep 14, 2006)

I don't think I would discuss it with my hubby. You know how they think and it will only cause trouble. I would tell him (the crazy guy at work) to keep it zipped and leave you alone. Someone like that could never make me stand up and take notice (not that you wanted him too). Just be nice but let him know you think he is a weenie!!!!! I would not report him to HR unless he would not back off. I know the law but it is a very serious thing to do when you could make it plain that you are not interested.......if all else fails, give him a knukle sandwich!!!!! :yes: :yes: :yes: Good Luck!!!!


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

QUOTE (CeeCee's Mom @ Dec 30 2008, 11:55 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696072


> I don't think I would discuss it with my hubby. You know how they think and it will only cause trouble. I would tell him (the crazy guy at work) to keep it zipped and leave you alone. Someone like that could never make me stand up and take notice (not that you wanted him too). Just be nice but let him know you think he is a weenie!!!!! I would not report him to HR unless he would not back off. I know the law but it is a very serious thing to do when you could make it plain that you are not interested.......if all else fails, give him a knukle sandwich!!!!! :yes: :yes: :yes: Good Luck!!!![/B]



No, I wouldn't tell my hubby either...would that make things way worse...tell this creepy guy...you are gay...and that will be that! ( Just kiddn of course...but sometimes you are so tempted to say that...)

Sorry you have to go through this...I have zero patience for this. It really creeps me out. Sadly, I have a very expressive face, and I would turn pure green and need to run to the ladies room and hurl. Not to be unkind, but it really upsets my stomach, when I get creeped out.

I wouldn't go to HR either...give him the cold, but professional persona and hopefully, he will go under the rock he came out from.


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## I found nemo (Feb 23, 2006)

QUOTE (Allheart @ Dec 31 2008, 03:45 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696162


> QUOTE (CeeCee's Mom @ Dec 30 2008, 11:55 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696072





> I don't think I would discuss it with my hubby. You know how they think and it will only cause trouble. I would tell him (the crazy guy at work) to keep it zipped and leave you alone. Someone like that could never make me stand up and take notice (not that you wanted him too). Just be nice but let him know you think he is a weenie!!!!! I would not report him to HR unless he would not back off. I know the law but it is a very serious thing to do when you could make it plain that you are not interested.......if all else fails, give him a knukle sandwich!!!!! :yes: :yes: :yes: Good Luck!!!![/B]



No, I wouldn't tell my hubby either...would that make things way worse...tell this creepy guy...you are gay...and that will be that! ( Just kiddn of course...but sometimes you are so tempted to say that...)

Sorry you have to go through this...I have zero patience for this. It really creeps me out. Sadly, I have a very expressive face, and I would turn pure green and need to run to the ladies room and hurl. Not to be unkind, but it really upsets my stomach, when I get creeped out.

I wouldn't go to HR either...give him the cold, but professional persona and hopefully, he will go under the rock he came out from.
[/B][/QUOTE]
:smrofl: :smrofl: :smrofl: :smrofl: Oh that was good !!!! she is Gay!! :smrofl: :smrofl: :smrofl: 
I would just warn him and then if it didn't stop I would report him. Trust me after I got done with him he would hate me :biggrin: 

Good Luck


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## makettle29 (Nov 12, 2005)

why not starting talking about your husband to the guy at work, or tell stories to others so that he can overhear you...make frequent remarks about what a great guy he is and all the wonderful things he does for you and how your marriage is just peachy keen. That should give him a hint hint that you are NOT available or interested.

sometimes it's better to just slowly turn the tide in a sticky situation instead of lowering the boom. Infatuation tends to deflate naturally and a little added husband talk will likely move it along quickly and you can become friendly work-mates again, without all the innuendo.


good luck,

mary anna herk and theena


personally I wound not mention this to my hubby as it will all be yesterday's news soon enough.


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## lillykins (Oct 15, 2007)

oh, I have a LOT of opinions on this. Skip my post if you wish.

First and foremost, this guy is a predator and continues to prey on women because of silence. 
You are NOT to blame and you are not the least bit responsible for his behavior.
Repeat this to yourself as often as necessary.

Second, in Wisconsin, if you tell someone at work about this and they do not report it or do something about (if they hold that type of position), they are in compliance with the predator and can be not only implicated but named. The law in Maryland is the same. My sister told her boss about someone who wouldn't leave her alone. Her boss called the guy in and threatened him with disciplinary action, his job, his career, and his reputation. The guy was shocked. He backed way off and he and Jenny became good, professional work mates.

Third, having been married to the most wonderful man in the world for over 25 years, he is the FIRST person I would've told. If you do confide in your husband, make sure you let him know up front that you do or do not expect him to solve this for you. If you want him to just be a sounding board, please remind him as often as necessary.

Best of luck to you as you wade through these next few months. I'll be thinking of you. . .


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## HEINI (Feb 4, 2007)

phew your story makes me scared. I never really had any relationship. but the ones I did have where ruled by lies and cheating. 
the last years without anyone made me forget about how men can be. but this brings it just back to my mind.

how sad.

good for you that you stick to your good way and the ones you love and who love you!

all the very best


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## bbry (Feb 17, 2007)

If you are emotionally invested in this guy to the point that you feel "hurt", you are really walking on dangerous ground. I would suggest that you make it a point not to be alone with him in the future and treat him professionally when in the company of others.


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## Max & Rocky (May 20, 2004)

QUOTE (Lillykins @ Dec 31 2008, 08:22 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696234


> oh, I have a LOT of opinions on this. Skip my post if you wish.
> 
> First and foremost, this guy is a predator and continues to prey on women because of silence.
> You are NOT to blame and you are not the least bit responsible for his behavior.
> ...


 :goodpost:

From the male point of view... 

I don't know just what has been said, but if it has crossed the line Pam, it needs to be reported... In fact, I'd say that you need to think about possible evidence and how or what you could submit to back up your side and then by all means, if ANYTHING over the line happens again, report it.

I understand your reluctance to say anything to your husband, but I'm of the opinion that keeping secrets of any sort from the other in a marriage is the wrong road to travel. I speak from some level of experience too because I was the one with the secret... LOL!! No, I'm not telling either. I'm just the sort of person who always learns from making mistakes. LOL!!


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## 2maltese4me (May 8, 2006)

I wasn't going to post, because I know people are going to judge. But, this happened to me back in the day...meaning when I was about 20 yrs old. This guy at work would NOT leave me alone. And after a few weeks I made a passing comment to my now husband. My husband(then fiance) went down to the job, asked for the guy...they went outside - and my husband jacked his ass up...and threatened him. The guy never bothered me again. My husband decided taking care of it "the old fashioned way" would be most effective! He was right.  

Not saying this is what your husband should do, but I do think you owe him the respect of telling him, and I think you need to come right out and tell this guy to bugger off. Not for nothing, but you are a married woman....you need to be straight with him.


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## lillykins (Oct 15, 2007)

QUOTE (Max & Rocky @ Dec 31 2008, 01:33 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696332


> From the male point of view...
> 
> I don't know just what has been said, but if it has crossed the line Pam, it needs to be reported... In fact, I'd say that you need to think about possible evidence and how or what you could submit to back up your side and then by all means, if ANYTHING over the line happens again, report it.
> 
> I understand your reluctance to say anything to your husband, but I'm of the opinion that keeping secrets of any sort from the other in a marriage is the wrong road to travel. I speak from some level of experience too because I was the one with the secret... LOL!! No, I'm not telling either. I'm just the sort of person who always learns from making mistakes. LOL!![/B]


Plus, another thing to consider is that if the male in question is using work equipment/time to administer the unwanted/unwelcome advances? He may lose his job just from that. . . Most companies are able to capture every keystroke made on a company computer.

There's just so much to think about; I am truly sorry this is your experience, especially since this is your first one after being a stay-at-home mom (WAY more than any job)!


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## Snowball Pie's Mommi (Oct 16, 2008)

QUOTE (camfan @ Dec 29 2008, 10:37 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=695422


> (not my husband, just to clarify right away...lol)
> ok, this might get long. Most of you know I've been back to work now for 2 months after being a full time mom for the past 10 years. Yes, I'm about to turn 40 in about two weeks!!
> ok, to the point...ok, you guys know I'm not all that bad looking for my age (or so they say)...let me tell you, the men out in the real world have been like GNATS. Never did I imagine!! Well, this one guy in particular...within just a few weeks of me working he added me to his IM and started messaging me--small talk, etc. It was nice to have a guy friend. Formerly ALL my colleagues were men so this was natural to me. Well, within a fairly short time I was getting the feeling that this guy was interested in more than friendship--but he was very subtle about it...he was constantly telling me how nice I looked, liked my outfits, I had a great sense of humor, liked my hair, you name it. Now, you'd think I would have seen the signs...not being in the "real world" (lol) for 10 years I have to say I was eating this right up and pretty naive about the whole thing. I started feeling ATTACHED to this guy, I mean, I am embarrassed to say it. Like I was getting sucked right in. Yes, I could have told him to get lost, etc. BUT he was my friend, he was friends with my new friends, I didn't want to make waves at a new job, etc. Anyway, it scared me how easy it could be to have an affair. I sat him down and told him things had to cool way down. He pined away, etc. Things were cool for about a week or so...then it all very gradually started back up again. Other people had told me stories about what a player he was, but I guess I didn't understand or didn't listen or didn't want to believe it, or all of the above. But people were noticing he was always around me, etc. I had another talk with him today and I had a shocking eye opening--(btw, he is divorced and currently owns a house with his girlfriend of 5 years) in the conversation he actually told me that the first affair he ever had was ONE WEEK before he married his first wife and his SECOND affair was TWO WEEKS AFTER he was married!! Someone else had told me that he cheated on his wife while she was pregnant! And, omg, I can't imagine the #'s in between that. I don't think I've ever heard of anyone that "bad." And to think I was getting sucked right into his web. Not that I am completely naive, but wow, he was getting to me. So yeah, after today's talk I am just beside myself. I am hurt, shocked, disgusted, angry--I'd like to punch him in the head. I mean, how the heck do I deal with this?? I know I have to distance myself, which I tried before, but we have to work somewhat together, his friends are my friends, etc. The whole thing is WAY more than I ever bargained for.
> 
> ...


First of all, I think you should tell your husband what is going on with this other guy.

And, if it were me, and if it is at all possible, I would have my husband pick me up at the office to go out for lunch, or come into your office to pick you up, to go home together, from work. 

And, if it were my husband, I would somehow have him get the message across, that is, in front of the other guy ... that hubby dear won't tolerate anyone coming on to his wife. Of course, your husband doesn't have to threaten or address this jerk directly ... but, he can certainly make it clear in a nice way ... that your are hands off.

I'd also stop IM'ing with this guy ...especially because you already said you were beginning to feel "ATTACHED" to this guy. And, just because his friends are you friends, too, shouldn't matter if you care about your marriage. Furthermore, what kind of friends would not support you ... in keeping away from this guy, who obviously, is big trouble.

Just my not so humble opinion and thoughts.

I wish you the very best on your job. 

Happy New Year!


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## beckinwolf (Sep 2, 2008)

First off, speaking from experience, you should NOT hide this from your husband. It would be much better for him to hear about it from you and have it be the truth, than to hear stories about it later on from someone else. You know how things get blown out of proportion when different people tell the same story. He could hear about it later and it would much messier. Secrets are like open wounds, they tend to fester. I wouldn't keep up a friendship with this guy at all. He's already made it clear that he wants more. Just business, and if you really feel uncomfortable, take it up with HR. That's what they're there for. Just my thoughts.


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## Snowball Pie's Mommi (Oct 16, 2008)

QUOTE (Allheart @ Dec 31 2008, 03:45 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696162


> .tell this creepy guy...you are gay...and that will be that! ( Just kiddn of course...but sometimes you are so tempted to say that...)[/B]


Or, better yet ... tell him you are gay, and that you thought he was gay! LOL


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## Cosy (Feb 9, 2006)

QUOTE (Snowball Pie's Mommi @ Dec 31 2008, 09:09 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696661


> QUOTE (Allheart @ Dec 31 2008, 03:45 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696162





> .tell this creepy guy...you are gay...and that will be that! ( Just kiddn of course...but sometimes you are so tempted to say that...)[/B]


Or, better yet ... tell him you are gay, and that you thought he was gay! LOL
[/B][/QUOTE]



OR....he just made you turn gay! LOL


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

QUOTE (Cosy @ Dec 31 2008, 10:25 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696671


> QUOTE (Snowball Pie's Mommi @ Dec 31 2008, 09:09 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696661





> QUOTE (Allheart @ Dec 31 2008, 03:45 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696162





> .tell this creepy guy...you are gay...and that will be that! ( Just kiddn of course...but sometimes you are so tempted to say that...)[/B]


Or, better yet ... tell him you are gay, and that you thought he was gay! LOL
[/B][/QUOTE]



OR....he just made you turn gay! LOL
[/B][/QUOTE]


LOL...Sometimes in these situations..I guess I can be extreme :sorry: But, as odd as this may seem, I've been soooo tempted to blurt it out, so the fly at the picnic just goes away. Argh!

I did want to say, thinking now, I probably would share with my husband, if this guy "did not get it". But I would have to totally remove him from the situation...make sure there is a huge amount of distance between my husband and this guy...sit my husband down, and promise me, that he will let me handle it. Beg and plead with him. PLEASE. I do recall doing something like this with him, not that same sort of situtation, but similiar, as far as unpleasant behavior coming my way. 

Hubby can be sort of a protector...and as someone so wisely said..you really just want a sounding board, a confidiant, which my husband is, unless he feels I am being hurt in any way shape or form. So that's why my initial response was, not to say a word and try to handle it right away myself. Hubby is doing much better in this area, even though it's very hard for him. Bless him.

What gets me in these sort of situations, is that it is a sign of disrespect to you and your husband. He KNOWS you are married...and is not respecting that. It boggles my mind, that they see rings on your finger..and just ignore that. They mean something, and something very dear.

I hope you give us an update....and I hope this matter has gone away. Just reentering the workplace again, is stressful enough, and you don't need any of this. Also, the workplace, can breed gossip and whether accurate or not, so you want to be careful in keeping your personal business, completely seperate from your work. 

Hope things are better.


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## camfan (Oct 30, 2006)

You guys are AWESOME--thank you for all the input. That's why I'm open about things here, because I know you guys care, you won't pull any punches and give great advice.

Well, I had a few talks with the guy--the 2nd talk I was pretty angry. It takes quite a bit to make me angry. He was VERY apologetic and actually said that he was pretty devistated by the whole thing and that he was going to go for counseling because this has been a pattern for him for many years. I don't know if I trust/believe him until I actually hear that he's gone ahead with it. After the last talk things were quiet for about a day--I figured he wouldn't dare contact me for a while. Well, he sent me an email just making small talk. I wrote him back and said that I felt it would be best if he and I didn't talk at all for a while, to please not contact me and that, eventually, I'd be in touch and that hopefully we can be friends. My desire is just for things to be NORMAL and for us ALL (he and all our friends) to be able to not only work together on good terms, but continue to socialize in a healthy manner. I'm optimistic, yet cautious. 

It's funny, I really hate drama and stress but the past few months have been everything but!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!

I think everything happens for a reason and I think all of this has been a good wake up call for me. I've learned quite a bit. I guess I went into going back to work thinking that at 40 years old I had seen it all and done it all--evidentally not!! Just goes to show that your ENTIRE life is a learning process!!

Thanks again!!!!!! :grouphug:


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## lillykins (Oct 15, 2007)

QUOTE (camfan @ Jan 1 2009, 10:34 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696895


> Well, I had a few talks with the guy. He was VERY apologetic and actually said that he was pretty devistated by the whole thing and that he was going to go for counseling because this has been a pattern for him for many years. I don't know if I trust/believe him until I actually hear that he's gone ahead with it.[/B]


Good for you Girlfriend! That took courage and I admire you greatly. I also admire your skepticism; I believe it's very wise. Trust yourself!!

QUOTE (camfan @ Jan 1 2009, 10:34 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696895


> After the last talk things were quiet for about a day--I figured he wouldn't dare contact me for a while. Well, he sent me an email just making small talk. I wrote him back and said that I felt it would be best if he and I didn't talk at all for a while, to please not contact me.[/B]


Again, BRAVO! :thmbup: 

QUOTE (camfan @ Jan 1 2009, 10:34 AM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696895


> Just goes to show that your ENTIRE life is a learning process!![/B]


:amen:


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

Awwww bless you. :grouphug: You did awesome!!!!

Guess what, I thought the same thing at 40, that FINALLY, yipeee, I got things thing called life down..whooo hooo right?

Nope, I am 45 now, and oh my goodness...still find myself feeling my way in the dark...i yi yi. I used to get so frustrated with myself :smilie_tischkante: :smilie_tischkante: :smilie_tischkante: , but then I just embraced the fact, that life is one continous learning lesson. 

You really did awesome.

I kind of feel bad now for this guy, I think I may have been a little harsh. I will pray that he does take the steps he needs to , to feel better about himself, and be more mindful of his actions. Hey, if we are still learning, then he I guess he is too and feel so good about yourself, as you probably helped him, start on the right track.

Will keep you in my thoughts...and him as well.

Happy New Year :grouphug:


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## camfan (Oct 30, 2006)

QUOTE (Allheart @ Jan 1 2009, 02:01 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=696973


> I kind of feel bad now for this guy, I think I may have been a little harsh. I will pray that he does take the steps he needs to , to feel better about himself, and be more mindful of his actions. Hey, if we are still learning, then he I guess he is too and feel so good about yourself, as you probably helped him, start on the right track.[/B]


awwww....thank you for the kind words of support!!

I am not at the point (I don't think) where I necessarily feel bad for him, lol, but I do also hope that he will take the steps he needs to get better. He is 44--I hope that the latter half of his life can go in the RIGHT direciton. I just can't imagine living my WHOLE life with so many regrets (if he doesn't feel regret, then I hope he will someday).


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