# those who are divorced...how do u end it?



## dr.jaimie (Mar 23, 2004)

ive been living here almost a yr now without my husband...he refuses to move here. i dont think the relationship is working out...i get these feelings off and on. last month i got offered a job where he says he is willing to move. but then few weeks later i ask if he is excited and i got an inkling he was hesitant. then i started to think of all the times he acts like he is for something, i get excited, then he changes his mind and i get crushed. it happened when i took this job, it happened when we started to look for a house twice, and now this. im begining to realize i dont even love him any more. i cringe when he calls (convo is pretty dull) we dont have ne thing in common. and i dont look forward to his visits here. a month ago we planned a romantic vacation and that will be next week. now i wish i could call the whole thing off. but i feel i have to give him one last chance. for a yr we have both said we needed counsling....but living in separate cities made group counsling. so finally few weeks ago i told him he just needed to find one there and i one here. we both did. unfortunately my appointment isnt until we get back from our trip. he had a visit last week and another tomorrow. i dont know if counsling will change my mind now. ive pretty much decided im way happier without him and would like to stay here. so how do i tell him. do i tell him b4 trip, during trip, or after i give the trip a shot? ive been on this roller coaster for a yr and i just want to get off. i get excited about being free...but then i feel guilty. he tells me on the phone at the end of convos he loves me and i cant bear to say it back. i feel like a horrible person. HELP!


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## paris (Apr 8, 2005)

Jaimie, I'm sorry it has to come to this for you. I believe that once you have had enough (and it sounds as if you have) you just need to let him know. Do you really believe that a week together is going to change anything? If you are already at the point where you don't want to talk to him and you are happier by yourself I say just tell him know. You deserve to be happy...sure, he may be upset when you tell him but you have got to do what you feel is right for you. Living like you have the past year is no way to live life for someone as young as you are. I was married before...and the ex screwed around on me a lot. I kept taking him back because he "loved me" (yeah right)...well, I finally got to the point where I had had enough and it felt SO good when I told him we were finished. I've never looked back. He ended up marrying someone who treated him just like he treated me and they are now divorced. Anyway...you need to go with what your heart (and that very intelligent braiin of yours) is telling you and if it is without him, so be it. At least with y'all living in two separate cities, you don't have to worry about running into him around town.


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## luvmyfurbaby (Feb 11, 2007)

Wow....Jaime,

You need to do what makes you happy. If he doesn't make you happy it's time to move on. You don't deserve disappointment after disappointment. He sounds a bit selfish. Ironically today is my 22 yr anniversary and I have gone thru alot of ups and downs with my husband. But I consider him my best friend now and enjoy being with him. He is not perfect but he sure as heck tries to please me. 

You need to find someone that is there to please you. That you feel excited to see at the end of the day! Maybe not butterflys but at least the anticipation of someone being there for you at the end of the day..someone you enjoy being with.

I would give it one last shot and see if you feel anything. Lay it on the line tell him how you feel. We have been to counseling a few times. It works if both are willing to participate.

Good luck and remember you need to be happy for you! Let me know if you need to talk...I'm here.


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## camfan (Oct 30, 2006)

> ive been living here almost a yr now without my husband...he refuses to move here. i dont think the relationship is working out...i get these feelings off and on. last month i got offered a job where he says he is willing to move. but then few weeks later i ask if he is excited and i got an inkling he was hesitant. then i started to think of all the times he acts like he is for something, i get excited, then he changes his mind and i get crushed. it happened when i took this job, it happened when we started to look for a house twice, and now this. im begining to realize i dont even love him any more. i cringe when he calls (convo is pretty dull) we dont have ne thing in common. and i dont look forward to his visits here. a month ago we planned a romantic vacation and that will be next week. now i wish i could call the whole thing off. but i feel i have to give him one last chance. for a yr we have both said we needed counsling....but living in separate cities made group counsling. so finally few weeks ago i told him he just needed to find one there and i one here. we both did. unfortunately my appointment isnt until we get back from our trip. he had a visit last week and another tomorrow. i dont know if counsling will change my mind now. ive pretty much decided im way happier without him and would like to stay here. so how do i tell him. do i tell him b4 trip, during trip, or after i give the trip a shot? ive been on this roller coaster for a yr and i just want to get off. i get excited about being free...but then i feel guilty. he tells me on the phone at the end of convos he loves me and i cant bear to say it back. i feel like a horrible person. HELP![/B]


Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this







I'm divorced and remarried (10 years now). My circumstances were SO different. I have no idea what kind of advice to give you. I had a therapist once tell me that statistics of couples who separated from one another for a length of time and do not ever get back together are very high. I don't necessarily believe that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" I think it can also end a relationship, unfortunately. And I have seen this is marriages around me where the couple is separated geographically or by really long work hours, etc, etc. and it does not work out. I guess that if you both truly love each other than the compromises will happen--you BOTH will make it happen. If neither is making it happen then I guess it won't...I wish there was an easier way for you!!!!!























P.S. Edited to add--having worked for the military for almost 9 years--it's another example of couples separated due to circumstances who don't make it. People on the outside assume that it's the "stress" that the military can put on a family, and that's part of it, but it has a LOT to so with couples being apart for long lengths of time. Divorce rate among
military is extremely high--something like 70-something %! Anyway, thinking about it more, I do think that your physical separation has a lot to do with all of this and, if you want to give it a last shot, one of you should make a move to make things permanent again and see how it goes. Personally I think it's worth a shot but I don't know you very well and don't know anything about what your husband is thinking. I hope for the best for you guys.....hugs..........


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## Andrea&Luci (Jul 30, 2006)

Jaimie I am sorry that this is what your marriage has come to, AND I commend you for your courage to be able to admit how you really feel inside! It definitely sounds like you have let go of him, and it sounds also like you don't even care to make things work out. I always say to follow your heart. You've been independent for a year, and you really don't need him there... I would probably tell him before the trip if I were you... I would need to get it out of my chest ASAP........ GOOD LUCK, AND STAY STRONG!!!!!!


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## coco (Sep 20, 2006)

I would give the vacation a go and see HOW it goes. I am all for trying to make a marriage work. If after the vacation, you still feel as you do, then do what you have to do. I am very sorry you are having these feelings, or lack of feelings, but it is my opinion, that you should do everything in your power to make a marriage work. If you find you still feel the same way when you get home, then maybe you should talk to the counselor before your make this kind of decision. The old saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder is not always true. I don't know why he has chosen not to follow you to where you are. It seems like you have a great career going for you, and any spouse should support that. No marriage is without problems, and many times they can be fixed. This probably isn't what you really wanted to hear, since you asked how to end it? :-( Good luck whichever way you decide to go.


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## carrie (Aug 24, 2004)

jaimie... you’re my friend....your happiness is all that matters to me. what ever you decide, do it for you and no one else. 

marriage is a symbiotic relationship, i know how much you have put into making it work.


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## 2maltese4me (May 8, 2006)

I think you should follow your heart and your head and do what feels right.

I think if it were me, I would do it before the vacation....but thats just me. I can't possibly tell you what you should do.

Good luck!


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## phesty (May 30, 2006)

When I got divorced, the first step for me was moving out. And, you've already got that part done. (not trying to make light of a serious situation) After that, we went around and around but I realized, like you have done, that I deserved someone who shared the same dreams as I did and that I was way happier without him. I ended up just talking to my attorney and having him served with divorce papers. Several months after that, when we had pretty much quit talking, I went over one day and moved all of the furniture out of the apartment while he was at work. I was still paying some of the bills at our apartment and he refused to sign the settlement that paid me what he owed me. So, I quit playing nice. It felt awesome! I gave notice on our apartment as it was in my name and left a letter there saying he needed to move out. The last communication I had from him was a voice mail (I wasn't answering my phone) on the day I moved all the furniture out. All he said was, "real nice." He moved back to Alabama and eventually we settled without going to trial but he got out of about half of the money he owed me. Okay, enough of my ramblings...

If you're dreading the vacation, I say tell him before you go. Maybe you can get some of the money back, but even if you can't, it's worth the money to not have to spend a week with someone that you no longer love. From your post, it really sounds like you have made up your mind. If your heart tells you that it's over, don't try to fight it. I knew I shouldn't have been with my husband six months into our relationship, but I kept thinking that things would change. We lived together for three years, got married, and got divorced two years later. All in all, I wasted five years of my life hoping that he would change. I kept trying to convince myself that everything would be okay and instead, I was miserable. I'm happier now than I ever have been! If you're happier now without him, you'll be overjoyed when you're single again!

Just my two cents, of course you have to make your own decision, but it sounds like you already have.

Good luck, it'll be tough, but totally worth it!











































































































Josie says: Mommy says she used to be married to a bum, now she's married to me!


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## Bella Rose (Mar 21, 2006)

I'm so sorry Jaimie!







I wish I could wave my magic wand and make this all better for you. It really sounds like you have already made up your mind and it's just deciding when and how to tell him. I do think you should go on this vacation and spend some time with him and see how it feels. If you still feel the way you do now, then you'll have your answer. You have my prayers and a friend to talk to if you ever need it.


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## msmagnolia (Sep 8, 2004)

The most important thing that we can do for you is to support you and let you know that we'll be here for you. Sadly this is one of those decisions that only you can make because you are the one who must live with that decision.








to you my friend.......


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## casa verde maltese (Apr 7, 2007)

I am terrible about ending relationships - even ones I want to end - but I always dwell on what I should of done.. so here is my OP.. 

I think you do need to see him face to face to have a conversation about what your relationship was and where it has gone and how it's not working for you. Lay it all out there - ASK THE HARD QUESTIONS (i hate asking the hard questions..i am a wuss).

I don't think that going on the romantic vacation when you are sounding like you are dreading it - would be the thing to -do because in some ways you've made up your mind and wouldn't be in it for the fun.

It doesn't sound like he is there for you (physically or mentally) - you need someone to get excited with, to dream with, to plan with - all the way - not just for a few days or weeks. It sounds like you moved on to the next phase of your life and you've grown apart - it happens.

You make your own happiness, people don't do it for you.

I'm glad that you did look into therapy - I totally think it's good to talk to a non involved 3rd party.

Good luck and I wish nothing but the best for you whatever you decide.


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## Boobookit (Dec 3, 2005)

*Marie & the Boys*


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## dr.jaimie (Mar 23, 2004)

well in conversation tonight on yahoo....i got to a point where i had to tell him. he was saying how therapy is helping and he is looking forward to the trip and i told him i wasnt and that i didnt love him....then he went on how he felt the same but thinks the trip will help. he is not accepting this like i figured would happen. we r still talkin atm


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## casa verde maltese (Apr 7, 2007)

ah, he doesn't love you either..?? so the trip will help do what?..
Oh, Jamie - good luck and I'm so sorry for you.


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## TheButtercup (Mar 3, 2005)

jaimiebaby!!!























i know it's been tough for you, and whatever you decide, we're all here for you and will support you, whatever way you need. 

my ex (the one who is dating the girl he cheated on me with) is currently on vacation with his long-distance gf. their second day there....he called me miserable. he said she wanted him to just leave and let her have a chance at an enjoyable vacation with her son (way to be nice about it...). he texted me tonight and said he's having a "meh, tolerable" time. it always seems like they get along a lot better when they're apart, and inevitably any time spent together ends with a fight. and they're still going forward with wedding plans. eeek.

that said, you do what you feel is right. you seem like you have your mind made up already, and i think once you take this giant step and lay it all out there for him, you'll be on your way to being a much happier person. and HAPPY is what you deserve









noselicks from a buttercup (a shared bottle of wine from her ann marie)


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## momtoboo (Jan 30, 2006)

I'm sorry Jaimie. I don't know what to tell you though, this has to be your decision.Do what you feel you need to do to either end it or try to mend it. Living in limbo like that has to be the pits. You've done your best, but if it's over in your heart & you're doing fine without him now,then it's already over & a trip together will not change that, so be kind to yourself & make the decision that feels best for you.


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## Tina (Aug 6, 2006)

Jaimie,

Just remember everyone is supporting what ever you decide. Relationships are difficult to be in if you are not happy with that person. Like someone else said, you already made up your mind. The hard part is following through.











Tina


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## lillady (Jan 25, 2007)

I'm so sorry Jaimie! I haven't gone through this myself (only with my mom and dad) and I know second hand how hard it can be. I just wanted to let you know that whatever you decide, you have to do what makes you happy. If he isn't going to be supportive of your career....







I hope whatever you decide will be what makes you happy.


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## miko's mommy (Feb 8, 2005)

Jaimie, sometimes people can grow apart....however, sometimes we say things we don't mean. I have told my husband I want to end our relationship a million times. I never mean it so he doesn't believe me anymore....I would say just give it one more chance.


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## Andrea&Luci (Jul 30, 2006)

> well in conversation tonight on yahoo....i got to a point where i had to tell him. he was saying how therapy is helping and he is looking forward to the trip and i told him i wasnt and that i didnt love him....then he went on how he felt the same but thinks the trip will help. he is not accepting this like i figured would happen. we r still talkin atm
> 
> 
> 
> ...



wow....
Have you been married for a long time?? I still honestly think you should follow your heart....it really sounds like all you need is support, because it really seems like you already made up your mind. LIFE's TOO SHORT and it makes no sense to stick around, when you know darn well that you will be happier without him!!! (







now if only I could take my own advice...lol) 
more hugs for you.


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## bbry (Feb 17, 2007)

I'm sure I probably shouldn't post since I've never been divorced & have been married to the same man for 40 yrs this year. I just want to tell you that I am so sorry you are unhappy in your marriage. 

I have learned after all these years that there are good times & bad times but in the absence of abuse (emotional or physical) if you both want it to work, its never really too late. My husband worked away for a few years while our kids were in college & we did grow apart & it took time to remember why I married this stranger & there have been many times when I wasn't "in love" with him but at the end of our lives the trip was worth the sometimes rocky road.

I do have friends that have been divorced & most of them tell me that if they knew then what they do now, they would have tried harder to make it work. 

Sending you a hug & wishing you all the best. Umm, wishing's not good enough, I'll pray for you & your husband that God will grant you guidance, wisdom & peace.

Donna


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## 3Maltmom (May 23, 2005)

Jaimie ~

It DOES sound like you, have BOTH, already made up your minds. You do not have children, property, etc. In both your names, that I understand. 

You are YOUNG. You have your entire life ahead of you. 

I will be honest here. I would NOT deal with a counselor. I would simply get a divorce. Get on with both of your young lives.

To me, a counselor, would be to keep the children in a "normal, family" environment. Not to keep me stuck with someone, whom I didn't want to be with, nor who didn't want to be with me.


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## I found nemo (Feb 23, 2006)

Jaimie,
I think people just sometimes fall out of love thats all. If you really feel like there is nothing to save and you have given it your all, then this is best for you now. You can't do whats best for him or anyone else, you need to be happy. I wish you luck and I know it may be a hard road ahead, but you will get through it.
I am really sorry this is happening to you..
Andrea


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## theboyz (Jan 10, 2007)

Jaimie, When my husband left me, many years ago,( he had a girl friend ) it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn't know it at the time!!! He couldn't make up his mind, whatever should he do, in the end I said get out! I went back to school and started over ( not easy at 40 years old ) and found my wonderful Bob. I felt a relief in my spirit and mind with my decision and never looked back. If I were you ( only my opinion ) I would start over and not agonize with what MIGHT be. Sounds like he can't make up his mind. If my husband didn't support my decision to better myself, move or whatever, as I would do for him, then he never will and you will live with constant turmoil, heartache and upsets. I would want my partner to be on my side all the way. ( I have one of those now!!!!!! ).
Good Luck Jaimie and I hope you find peace with your decision.

Marsha


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## The A Team (Dec 1, 2005)

Hi Jaimie. Ugg, sorry you've been going through this for so long. So it looks like you've both admited to each other your feelings. Not sure what good the trip would do except to make things ....(?) more intense.

My husband and I tried so many times...I actually think we ended up faking liking each other hoping to make it happen. 

I don't know how you need to do it. Maybe a therapist or some kind of professional can give you tips on how to end it more gracefully and amicably. 

But I assure you - as you have already figured out according to your post - life will be better without him.

There's my two cents, for what it's worth.....no charge.


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## Guest (May 23, 2007)

I know how you feel. In the past year I ended a 23 year marriage and 29 year relationship. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I will be honest the past year has been very hard. He has attempted sucicide 4 times and I have had to stay strong in my decision. A professional conselor is a must to help you through the process. How I finally made the break was thinking if I was happier on my own or without him. When I could honestly feel I would be happier on my own I filed for a divorce and left. It has been a struggle for the past year and my divorce is still not final thanks to a very slow judge but I think he is finally accepting the change. We have stayed friends because we have a 19 year old daughter and want her to be happy and comfortable with the situation. 

My life had become so unhappy with him and I had wanted to make the break for years I just couldn't bring myself to do it because he was so dependent on me. With professional counseling I discovered I was an enabler and by doing everything to make his life easy I was over stressing myself and hurting him too. After I filed and left I found out that over the course of our marriage he had been seeing 4 other women. I have had to give up my house, my dogs, and most everything I had become familiar with to make things work, but I have kept positive. Im looking at the next 20 years and excited for the first time in a long time. Im very fortunate to have a great job and wonderful friends. Now I have my new baby Lily and things are going well. Looking back I wish I would have made the decision 10 years ago when I knew things were not working I just kept trying to make it work. I know in time we will both be happier and better for the experience. We had a lot of good years together and a wonderful daughter so the good and bad are balanced. get out before the bad isall you remember. As for your trip I was in the same situation and I went ahead and did the vacation but felt I was living a lie, so you will just have to do what you think is right but don't go just because you have it planned go because you really want to try one more time. Good Luck my thoughts are with you. Sorry this was so long. Cindy


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## CrystalAndZoe (Jul 11, 2006)

<span style="font-family:Comic Sans Ms">I really can't offer any advice since I've never been married or in your situation. Just know we are here for you and care about you and praying for you. I think the only thing that I would really want before making that major of a decision is a sit down face to face conversation with nothing but openess & honesty to really find out what each other is thinking & feeling. Long distance makes for difficult communication and things that are difficult to talk about are more easly left unsaid. I don't know if he would be open to that but maybe since he is going to counseling. Maybe instead of the vacation, use that time for him to come to where you are living and really talk. I do believe in trying to save a marriage whenever possible, but that said...I have happily come to the realization in the past couple of years that I seem to be happier & more content than a lot of married people.</span>


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## Scoobydoo (May 26, 2005)

Jaimie, I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time, still, but in all honesty it sounds to me like you both have drifted apart, perhaps from the separation or maybe his committment wasn't really there from the time you decided to move away and follow your carreer. A good marriage is about both parties wanting what is best for one another, making sacrafices no matter where they take both of you and building a solid foundation for a happy, loving and fruitful future together. I believe you have tried hard to work this out, but the roller coaster ride has to come to an end eventually and you both have to get off and look at where your relationship is at now.
I agree if your heart is telling you it's time to move on then there is no point in going on this vacation if you really don't feel it will help. Perhaps you will both become better friends when there is no committent, that often happens, but to stay in a loveless marriage can be emotionally destuctive to both of you. 
I wish you all the happiness you deserve Jaimie and whatever decision you finally come to is going to ultimately have to be what you feel is right for you, no one can tell you, only you know how you feel.


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## Jacki (Jul 13, 2006)

My husband and I almost ended it about 6 months ago. We both really just could not "take it" anymore, but it was worse for me. We both felt like we'd fallen out of love and we never should have married in the first place. I even told him I wanted out, and it was awful. There's no graceful way to say that. But for some reason we just kept plodding along. And slowly, it got better, and we began to work on it, to the point where now, we are happier than ever. So IF you feel like you have it in you to try one more time -- I would say, try it because you never know how it could turn around. 

BUT the fact that he won't move to be with you is a huge obstacle. To me, as an outsider, that says a lot about his commitment or lack of commitment to the marriage's success. While I agree with a previous poster that in the absence of abuse (physical, emotional, etc.), most situations can be fixed ... both partners have to want to fix it!! And living apart is going to continue to drive the two of you apart, I fear. 

Whatever you do, you will be in my prayers and thoughts. Do what is right for YOU -- sometimes a marriage can be fixed but sometimes, you just have to move on, and I think you have a pretty good idea of what you need to do.


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## Cosy (Feb 9, 2006)

I'm just going to add this. Since you've been apart has it worsened? If so, then perhaps the vacation is what the relationship needs to get things going again. Since he wants to follow through, why not put your best foot forward and enter the vacation with a positive attitude to see if rekindling is possible? I hate to see any marriage end without trying every possible opportunity to help fix it. I know you don't want to move and neither does he, so perhaps a new place for both of you would be the best answer. Starting fresh and having only each other to start out can force you to work at it...not that I'm saying you haven't worked at it but sometimes we have to try even harder. Marriage is so difficult and I can well understand wanting to throw in the towel, but I hope if there is the tiniest chance you will give it one last shot.


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## KandiMaltese (Mar 27, 2007)

> I would give the vacation a go and see HOW it goes. I am all for trying to make a marriage work. If after the vacation, you still feel as you do, then do what you have to do. I am very sorry you are having these feelings, or lack of feelings, but it is my opinion, that you should do everything in your power to make a marriage work. If you find you still feel the same way when you get home, then maybe you should talk to the counselor before your make this kind of decision. The old saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder is not always true. I don't know why he has chosen not to follow you to where you are. It seems like you have a great career going for you, and any spouse should support that. No marriage is without problems, and many times they can be fixed. This probably isn't what you really wanted to hear, since you asked how to end it? :-( Good luck whichever way you decide to go.[/B]



You're going to hate to hear this, but I agree with Coco. Marriage is sacrid and you should take the vacation and see if there are any feelings left. Hey..if it doesn't work, atleast you can say you tried one last time. I believe in trying to make marriage work if it's possible. He's willing to go on the vacation which means he must still care, so go and have a good time and if it doesn't work out, atleast you got away a little. You already paid for the vacation it's a done deal. If no feelings? then ok. But maybe there will be and you will never know unless you try and go! JMHO

Andrea


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## vjw (Dec 20, 2006)

I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this. I hope everything works out for the best for you.




Joy


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## Furbabymom (Dec 17, 2004)

Hugs, Susan</span></span>


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## saltymalty (Sep 14, 2004)

Jaimie, I wish you the best in whatever you decide.


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## The A Team (Dec 1, 2005)

> Hugs, Susan</span></span>[/B]



This sounds like a good suggestion....


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## Gemma (Jan 19, 2006)

oh, I'm sorry Jaimie







I think that couples can fall out of love sooner or later but at least the ones that can stay together become best friends and have things in common, same life style and they really like each other. if this is not your case and you can't even have a conversation about things that you both like then I think the vacation is not going to help, maybe it will help temporarily again. I think all you will be talking about in the vacation is whatever you are talking about now on yahoo. since you don't have kids I say just do it, end it before the vacation, that is if he can survive on his own, if he has a job and a place to live he will be ok. we already know you will do just fine


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## pompomsmom (Jan 8, 2006)

I haven't finished reading this thread yet, first, I would like to offer














Second I would like to say, if you are unhappy now, just think if you would add kids to the mix... The relationship gets soooooo complicated with kids, it would be much easier to "end it" if you feel deep down that you are happier without him. You are a young, wonderful person (and helpful!!) You deserve to be with someone who you really like to spend time with, like waking up next to... You already know what it would be like living without him, you know you would make it...
















Off to read rest of thread...

Diane and Pompom


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## gottagettamaltee (Dec 1, 2005)

i dont know anything about marriage or divorce or have any relationship to compare to, but i am so sorry you have to go through this and all the feelings that it involves.









but... i commend you on your accomplishments so far in life.







it takes a strong person to do what you've done, with school and your career now. i really wish that other women would follow in your footsteps. i am a strong believer in higher education. i dont have my degree yet but i new a few more classes and i am completing them this summer. i slacked off but i realized i needed to finish. your husband should be so proud of you and what you've done, and he should support you 100% in your advancements and all of that. good luck with your decisions in this very personal matter.


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

I have just one question. Does he earn less then you ? Maybe two. Does he feel that you are ahead of him in your career ? A lot of men, still today, cannot accept that their wife is ahead of them. It's ok for the wife to follow them in their career but when it comes for them to follow the wife that's a completely different ball game. Maybe a third question. Is he depressed ? If you can answer "yes" to all of those 3 questions, forget about him. It would take a lot of counseling to make him change. A lot of marriages end in divorce because of that.


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## Furbaby's Mommie (Jul 10, 2004)

Jaimie I think you both have had plenty of time and gone through an awful lot before coming to this point. You are way past where most people start thinking about divorce as a possibility. I think you both know what you want.

If you can still be civil and not fight and you both want this vacation as a good-bye, then make the best of it. Enjoy it for what it is and don't expect a miracle. Otherwise if it is going to make you miserable to be together so closely, I can't think of a worse scenario.









I've never ended a marriage. I have let the other person do it. I should have done it---I almost lost my sanity and my life. Nothing is worth that much pain. I let the "importance" of "marriage" become bigger than life itself. It is a scared union, but even God Himself doesn't want it to be an unhealthy prison.

Love to ya', ---Dee


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## LMJ (Feb 16, 2006)

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am not "for" divorce, but you can't stay married because of guilt.

Ask yourself these questions.

Do you love him?
Does he love you?
If the answer is yes, do you love each other enough to make the sacrifices necessary to stay married and make it a happy union?
If no, and you aren't going to live together, then I think you should just bite the bullet and get divorced.

Marriage and loving someone is a decision and a behavior. A decision that is made each day you wake up, to love that person, respect that person, etc. A behavior toward that person to show them that you love them.

I think you should take the trip with him. Tell him before the trip though, what you are feeling and that this will be time spent for the two of you to decide if your marriage is worth saving. Since he's also going to counseling this isn't a surprise to him. 

If you both decide that it's worth saving, than the both of you have to do whatever it takes to save it and make it work properly. If you decide it's not worth saving, then part ways in the most civil manner you possibly can and try to remain friends. Try to work hard on making it amicable.

I will pray for you Jamie and hope all will work out for you to have a happy future whatever that may be.


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## Suz & the Fluffs (Mar 11, 2006)

Awwwww I'm sorry Jaimie. I was afraid it would really come to this.







I wish you luck in your decisions as they are going to be life changing ones. As to going on the trip or not its up to you. As I know the last little trip you and him took was bad for you. So sorry big hugs to you girl.


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## Lacie's Mom (Oct 11, 2006)

Jaimie,

I thought about you all last night and most of today. I've been in a situation somewhat like yours. My husband and I have now been married 23 years, but we lived 9 years apart and separated. I had been to the point you are at where I was ready to divorce him when he contracted cardiomyopathy (from a cold). I didn't feel I could divorce him then, but he decided to move out and then I relocated because of my job and he didn't follow although, like you, we stayed in touch -- emailed, called, visited, etc. put didn't live together.

Without getting into more specifics about my own relationship, I know that only you, in your heart, know if it is really, really over. If it is, and there is NOTHING that he could do or say that would make a difference, then it's time to file for divorce and move forward.

If, however, you're not 100% sure, then I would give the vacation a chance for some time of reconnection. I wouldn't think of it as a romantic getaway or even try for romance. I would, however, try to have a good time with him. No pressure, no discussion of the future, no trying to settle problems, etc. Just a fun vacation. If you can do that, you may find that you still like him and have fun with him and that may help you make your deicison. Going in, I would lay the ground rules that during this vacation you are not going to discuss your future -- just have an enjoyable time together. No talking about what ifs or anything like that, just 2 people trying to have a good time together. No expectations of anything.

After that, you will know whether or not it is worth trying to save your marriage or not. But if you're already sure that it isn't, then don't waste your time being with him.

Lynn


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## Zoe and Bella's mom (Jan 23, 2006)

What a difficult decision to make. I am all for keeping a marriage together if possible but only you can make that decision. You are in my prayers


















Ginny


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## CandicePK (Nov 11, 2004)

Jamie ~ I too am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I agree with Ms Magnolia - we are all here to support you and to help you during this trying time. Unfortunately only you can make these hard decisions.


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## dr.jaimie (Mar 23, 2004)

thanks evryone for all ur support and advice....i do feel better about getting it all out last night with him. but he has not accepted it, he is in denile. i told him three times last night i no longer loved him. i will go on the trip and have an open mind though. i just feel if he isnt willing to move here to save a marriage, then how stong IS his love for me. i was about to change jobs and move for him, then he gave me some hesitation about that. i think the only thing he would be happy with is if i moved back to where he is. hes to scared to leave his job and apparently im not worth the risk of losing it. but even if he were to move here, it is too late, my feelings about this is far too strong


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## joe (Jan 5, 2003)

i cant give much advice, but i'm hoping for the best for you


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## saltymalty (Sep 14, 2004)

> thanks evryone for all ur support and advice....i do feel better about getting it all out last night with him. but he has not accepted it, he is in denile. i told him three times last night i no longer loved him. i will go on the trip and have an open mind though. i just feel if he isnt willing to move here to save a marriage, then how stong IS his love for me. i was about to change jobs and move for him, then he gave me some hesitation about that. i think the only thing he would be happy with is if i moved back to where he is. hes to scared to leave his job and apparently im not worth the risk of losing it. but even if he were to move here, it is too late, my feelings about this is far too strong
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Jaimie, only you know what is in your heart...trust that.


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## paris (Apr 8, 2005)

Just know that we are all here to support whatever you do. Make yourself happy...that's all that counts.


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## MissMelanie (Feb 13, 2006)

Jaimie,

Follow your heart, you ARE your best friend. 

LOVE TO YOU!
Melanie


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## MickeysMom (Jun 16, 2006)

Jaime,

You are always here to help us out when we need you! So, of course we will all be here to help you out in your time of need.









I only wish I had the perfect advice for you, but all I can tell you is what everyone else has already said, follow your heart. 

This is a rough time, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.







I know everything will work out for you because you are such a wonderful person. Good luck in whatever you decide.


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## beckybc03 (Jul 6, 2006)

I don't have any advice either as I have never been married but I just wanted to send you some positive thoughts during this difficult time


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## THE GiZ&THE CHAR (Dec 14, 2006)

Good luck.
Be happy.


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## bellasmommy (May 8, 2005)

I don't have advice Jaimie, but I wish you the best, whatever you decide


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## Julie718 (Feb 17, 2006)

I don't have any advice either. I feel like you have been given some good advice. Just hoping that things get worked out the best for you so you can be happy!


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## Carole (Nov 1, 2005)

*Good Luck, Jamie.









I was married seven years and divorced.
Married again.....going on 31 years now
If he should go....for ANY reason...

From then on....it is just me and my Maltese....they are much less work than a man ....and snuggle great.







*


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## danah (Jan 8, 2005)




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## bbry (Feb 17, 2007)

*Continuing to pray for you, Jaimie.*


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## dogloverx3 (Apr 14, 2006)

Supporting you in whatever decision you make - wishing you the best for the future . Sarah


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## hambys97 (Feb 25, 2005)

Jaimie,
I am so terribly sorry! I know that you have definitely been on a roller coaster since your move. Please know that while I haven't been around as much as before, if there is anything that I can do, please just let me know.
This is a terrible decision to have to make. There are so many things involved. But, I don't think that anyone is going to be able to give you the right advice. I think you will know what you need to do and when the right time is. Just know that you are not alone!

Love Ya!


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