# What would you do?



## Malt Lover (Feb 17, 2005)

I am a little short on time, so I will just give a very brief explanation.

A good friend of mine is getting married for the second time. Her first marriage was a quick one at the court house. This marriage is going to be a full blown extravaganza. She and the groom already have a child together who is four and recently diagnosed with Autism. There is a program that the state offers for children like him and he was accepted into it, however, she must pay $4,000 (it is actually like a $20,000 but the state picks up the rest). 

She recently told me she isn't going to put him in the program because she doesn't have the money, BUT she is still planning on her wedding.

Myself, along with many other friends, are very upset over this. Yes, she can still cancel the wedding and get 90% of her money back, but she refuses.

If you felt as strongly as I do about this, would you go to the wedding?


----------



## uniquelovdolce (Mar 10, 2010)

i think she is putting her wedding before her child and as a mom of four that is selfish to me . I problably wouldnt go .. but again thats a personal decision.


----------



## Miss_Annie (Mar 3, 2010)

How horrible!!  I probably wouldn't be friends with a woman that would rather spend all that money on a single day, but no money on her child with Autism. My brother has Autism, so this touches close to home. Shame on her! 

and I definately would not go to the wedding.


----------



## Julie03 (Mar 18, 2010)

I don't have any children but I think it's horrible what she's doing. She should put her child first. And, if I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn't go to the wedding.


----------



## llf060787 (Nov 19, 2007)

Although I personally think your friend is extremely selfish in putting her needs ahead of her child's, It is still her decision on how she spends her money. Whether you go to this wedding or not it is still going to take place. She has already made that decision. You're not going, or anyone else's for that matter, will most likely not change her mind.

I would probably go to the wedding but definately take a very close look at my friendship with this individual.


----------



## Lacie's Mom (Oct 11, 2006)

llf060787 said:


> Although I personally think your friend is extremely selfish in putting her needs ahead of her child's, It is still her decision on how she spends her money. Whether you go to this wedding or not it is still going to take place. She has already made that decision. You're not going, or anyone else's for that matter, will most likely not change her mind.
> 
> I would probably go to the wedding but definately take a very close look at my friendship with this individual.


I agree 100%


----------



## majik921 (Apr 27, 2010)

Ditto for me on the above. I have worked with Autistic children and I know how difficult it is to get into a program like that so it's surprising that this extravaganza is still going on, are you close enough with her that you could mention off handedly when she talks about her financial constraints: "If you need any help on scaling down the festivities I could give you some great resources for a more affordable event"?


----------



## puppymom (Jun 13, 2005)

This won't be a popular opinion but, is it really up to you to judge her behavior? I would agree with you that it's not the choice that you or I might make but it isn't your choice it's hers. 

Staying away from the wedding isn't going to change that. If she is someone whose friendship you value (and true friends don't judge) then I would go to the wedding and not say anything unless she asks your opinion. If she isn't a good friend and you feel that strongly then I wouldn't go.


----------



## KAG (Jun 1, 2006)

Your friend is not the only one who's selfish. What about the Father of the child? 

Oh, I just though of something. Perhaps they are thinking they can pay for the autism program with wedding gift money? 

Aww, good luck whatever you decide.
xoxoxoxoxo


----------



## Nikki's Mom (Feb 13, 2008)

I would discuss it with her privately if you haven't already. If she is a good friend and she means a lot to you, then I see no reason why the two of you can't discuss it calmly and rationally. Perhaps you can help her see things in a different way. 

If you've already discussed it with her, and you believe she is simply putting her own desires above her child's needs, then you have to weigh whether her friendship means more to you than your desire to see her child receive help. It's a tough decision. I don't envy you.


----------



## Snowbody (Jan 3, 2009)

Nikki's Mom said:


> I would discuss it with her privately if you haven't already. If she is a good friend and she means a lot to you, then I see no reason why the two of you can't discuss it calmly and rationally. Perhaps you can help her see things in a different way.
> 
> If you've already discussed it with her, and you believe she is simply putting her own desires above her child's needs, then you have to weigh whether her friendship means more to you than your desire to see her child receive help. It's a tough decision. I don't envy you.


:goodpost: Hard decision.:grouphug:


----------



## Alice Ana (Mar 17, 2010)

i hope she reads this because i agree with everyone else! what a greedy, selfish, non-caring person! i would cancel my wedding in less than a heartbeat for my child.


----------



## daisyg (Jun 21, 2007)

That is horrible....being a mommy of one...I know I would put my son ahead of myself and hubby always. I personally would not attend....but she is your friend and I would voice my opinion to her....weather she likes it or not. IMO!


----------



## iheartbisou (Feb 13, 2007)

Nikki's Mom said:


> I would discuss it with her privately if you haven't already. If she is a good friend and she means a lot to you, then I see no reason why the two of you can't discuss it calmly and rationally. Perhaps you can help her see things in a different way.
> 
> If you've already discussed it with her, and you believe she is simply putting her own desires above her child's needs, then you have to weigh whether her friendship means more to you than your desire to see her child receive help. It's a tough decision. I don't envy you.


I agree with Suzan here.


----------



## silverhaven (Sep 6, 2009)

I also agree with Suzan. I don't know how much you have discussed with her. I would be very interested to know how she came to that decision, if other factors came in to the equation. Then I would go from there. Very sad.


----------



## suzimalteselover (Mar 27, 2006)

It is a tough decision. But, I would make sure you have all the facts from her, before making a decision. Sometimes, things aren't as they appear. We have some friends that had to down size their home, because, they could no longer make their mortgage paymts. Then, they went on a very lavish vacation. Some family members of his side were very upset. Come to find out, the vacation was paid for by her parents as a Christmas gift last year.


----------



## Malt Lover (Feb 17, 2005)

Thanks everyone. I am really struggling with this decision. I guess I shouldn't have said that she and I are good friends, we are more good work acquaintances (we work closely and on a daily basis whether it is on the phone or face to face) and she is inviting me because she is inviting the whole department. Therefore, no, I do not feel comfortable confronting her in her decision. She has mentioned that she is having this large wedding because she never got to do the big "white-wedding" with her first marriage.



puppymom said:


> This won't be a popular opinion but, is it really up to you to judge her behavior? I would agree with you that it's not the choice that you or I might make but it isn't your choice it's hers.
> 
> Staying away from the wedding isn't going to change that. If she is someone whose friendship you value (and true friends don't judge) then I would go to the wedding and not say anything unless she asks your opinion. If she isn't a good friend and you feel that strongly then I wouldn't go.


I agree wholeheartedly with you! You hit the nail on the head! What you stated is exactly the problem I am having. Do I judge her on how she choose to spend her money? This is a moral decision for _*me*_! I try to never judge anyone. What someone does it completely their own business, but this one really has me upset. 

I often travel for my job, so I am going to try and schedule a business trip for that weekend.


----------



## iheartbisou (Feb 13, 2007)

Now that you've mentioned that she is a work acquaintances/colleague, to me that totally changes it. I wouldn't go..but I don't believe in going to work _acquaintance_ weddings. We've turned down two weddings this year because I don't think it's good to mix work with life outside of work (it's totally different if you've been good friends for many years..but not with just acquaintances)...but that's just my position on things like that.


----------



## silverhaven (Sep 6, 2009)

Well in that case you can't really find out the facts, therefore you can't really judge her at all. So I guess if you want to go to the wedding then go, if not then don't. That would be my way of thinking. You are not condoning anything if you don't know the full story.


----------



## Katkoota (Feb 18, 2006)

silverhaven said:


> Well in that case *you can't really find out the facts, therefore you can't really judge her at all.* So I guess if you want to go to the wedding then go, if not then don't. That would be my way of thinking. You are not condoning anything *if you don't know the full story*.


I agree although I can't really see a reason to why someone would throw a wedding party instead of taking care of his/her child who needs the financial support for that - just like you mentioned in the original thread: she will be able to afford if she didn't throw a party. 

Nevertheless, there are two sides of every story. She might have the reason that I don't see  not really sure!


----------



## puppymom (Jun 13, 2005)

Malt Lover said:


> Thanks everyone. I am really struggling with this decision. I guess I shouldn't have said that she and I are good friends, we are more good work acquaintances (we work closely and on a daily basis whether it is on the phone or face to face) and she is inviting me because she is inviting the whole department. Therefore, no, I do not feel comfortable confronting her in her decision. She has mentioned that she is having this large wedding because she never got to do the big "white-wedding" with her first marriage.
> 
> 
> I agree wholeheartedly with you! You hit the nail on the head! What you stated is exactly the problem I am having. Do I judge her on how she choose to spend her money? This is a moral decision for _*me*_! I try to never judge anyone. What someone does it completely their own business, but this one really has me upset.
> ...


That does change things. As someone already said, you may not know the whole story. But even if you it is what it appears it really isn't something that you can or should do anything about (bad as you feel). I would simply send my regrets, no excuse needed, and not attend. 

I also agree with iheartbisou, I try not to mix my work and personal life.

We often judge people without knowing the whole story and there may be many things going on in this persons life that you are not aware of.


----------



## silverhaven (Sep 6, 2009)

TheMalts&Me said:


> I agree although I can't really see a reason to why someone would throw a wedding party instead of taking care of his/her child who needs the financial support for that - just like you mentioned in the original thread: she will be able to afford if she didn't throw a party.
> 
> Nevertheless, there are two sides of every story. She might have the reason that I don't see  not really sure!


The problem with not being close to the person and knowing all the facts is that the financial thing may have just been a throw away comment, but there could be many reasons why they have decided that it isn't for their child, the financial being only one of them. People are so quick to judge these days. Pontificating what they think is right. It is easy to do, but walking in someone elses shoes isn't. I don't think it is anyone's business if they hardly know the family. I am sure that the people close to them know the situation and would take a much stronger stand, and those are the ones that they really care about whether they come to the wedding or not.

But of course if it is only the financial reason then I would be truly horrified. I have 3 grown kids and would give anything up for them.


----------



## 3Maltmom (May 23, 2005)

silverhaven said:


> *The problem with not being close to the person and knowing all the facts is that the financial thing may have just been a throw away comment, but there could be many reasons why they have decided that it isn't for their child,* QUOTE]
> 
> 
> Yup :thumbsup:


----------



## Chalex (Feb 19, 2010)

I had a friend who bought a brand new top of the line BMW and then said she couldn't afford to send her son to college (bright kid, hard worker, got into very good schools). Notice i said HAD.


----------



## vjw (Dec 20, 2006)

For goodness sakes, give the couple a break! Although the child was just recently diagnosed with autism, they've probably dealt with the stress of the child's symptoms for 2-3 years, and they'll be dealing with the child's autism for the rest of their lives. The planning of the wedding probably gave them something fun to anticipate. They deserve a moment of joy, happiness, and celebration. Hopefully they will be able to work out something for the child's tuition. Who knows? Maybe they already have.


Joy


----------



## camfan (Oct 30, 2006)

I think if you feel uncomfortable going, don't go. I think it would be a disservice to go and feel judgemental in your heart towards them. I agree with the comments that you may not know the whole story.


----------



## CloudClan (Jan 31, 2007)

My sister is autistic. My parents spent their lives devoted to her care. So I am very sympathetic to the child and his parents. 

That being said. I would not judge your friend for her decisions. Yes, she may be making a stupid mistake in how she spends money. Lots of people do. 

But I would not sit in judgement of her decision here. If I were you I would separate the issues and decide if you would go to the wedding no matter what you knew or didn't know about her son. 

She and her husband will have to face many challenges as their son grows up and I hope that they make the best decisions they can for him down the road, but until you have walked in their shoes, you can not really judge them. And if this is a huge mistake? Well, if I dumped my friends every time one of them made a huge mistake (or they did to me) I don't think I would have nearly as many friends as I do. Just saying...


----------



## 3Maltmom (May 23, 2005)

vjw said:


> For goodness sakes, give the couple a break! Although the child was just recently diagnosed with autism, they've probably dealt with the stress of the child's symptoms for 2-3 years, and they'll be dealing with the child's autism for the rest of their lives. The planning of the wedding probably gave them something fun to anticipate. They deserve a moment of joy, happiness, and celebration. Hopefully they will be able to work out something for the child's tuition. Who knows? Maybe they already have.
> 
> 
> Joy


I agree ~ :thumbsup: 

My nephew is autistic. He's doing wonderfully. His parents know what they are doing. They certainly don't need "co-workers" gossiping. :blink:


----------



## Canada (Jun 4, 2009)

It is possible that a family member is privately helping them throw the wedding of their dreams.
And my initial thoughts were along the lines of Silverhavens, that maybe they have other missgivings about the programme for their son.
And the wedding gifts could be put toward their son.

I think their is some great advice from everyone.


----------

