# Adult kids



## Betty Johnson (Feb 24, 2013)

It is a second marriage for both of us. We dated a long time and didn't marry or live together until all of the kids were grown and out of high school. They've all moved in with us at one time or another. Don't get me wrong. I love all of them and would walk through fire for them. I just don't understand how they are so content living here with no plan to find their own way. I know it is harder out there now but our son said moving out and finding his own place isn't a priority right now. Lord help me, but I scared he will be 40 and still sleeping in the twin bed upstairs. How do I talk some sense into this kid without making him feel unloved or abandoned?


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## lydiatug (Feb 21, 2012)

Well, experience has taught me that you can't make it too easy for them. Just like mommy birds push their babies out of the nest, we have to make it more unpleasant for them to stay than the prospect of creating a new exciting life for themselves. Could be a little tough love and some deadlines may be in order?

My husband always said his goal was to make the kids "want" to leave and start their own life and it worked for us! 

Good luck with your dilemma : )


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## nwyant1946 (Jan 2, 2013)

*Don't do his laundry, or clean up his room....does he pay you rent?? When he runs out of clothes and asks about the laundry, tell him he knows where the washing machine is...if he needs help figuring it out help him, but don't do it for him. If you make it like a 5-star hotel he will never want to leave. *

*When I was growing up, check out time was 18....LOL My brother moved back home three times...I never did which my mother always told people. I always felt like it would be a step backward I guess. *


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## Betty Johnson (Feb 24, 2013)

Thanks. It was 18 and out for us too. I went to school at night and worked full time. I never thought about moving back in with them. Quite a few of our friends are in the same boat. and we all wonder what we did wrong. Guess we just need to " man up" and push him in the right direction, which is out of our house...lol


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## CorkieYorkie (Apr 10, 2012)

I have noticed with the recession, things have changed in this regard. My generation (I'm turning 28 next month) is relying more and more on their parents, especially for a place to live!! It is very hard for recent grads to get jobs, especially in certain fields. It is becoming MUCH more "normal" for young adults to live at home through their 20s, and in many cases, their 30s as well. I have read several articles agreeing with this statement in regards to my generation during this recession.

I chose not to live with my parents after finding a job after college, even if it meant dipping into my savings to live on my own. But they have also been incredibly supportive during difficult times (ie: being laid off, choosing to go to grad school) to allow me to continue living outside of their home. Also, when living by myself in Chicago became too expensive, I moved in with a friend to lower rent costs. This said friend even resorted to finding roommates on craigslist if she didn't know anyone to live with. There are ways (if you are employed) to leave your parents' home.

But not everyone has that option, and jobs are very tough to come by these days, especially a job that pays enough to live on your own.

However, if you don't want them to get too comfy, I would definitely charge rent or require them to do household chores. My parents never charged me rent, nor do I think they ever would (that is just how they are), but my parents are quite blunt and would not hesitate to tell me if I had worn out my welcome. When I was living with them the summer after graduating college, they pushed me to find a job, in addition to my own determination to find one and move out.

One of my former co-workers is allowing his son and his son's 28 year old friend to live with him for free. He was complaining about cleaning their bathroom when I asked him incredulously, "Why don't you make them clean their own bathroom?! Or do any cleaning or pay rent?" And he said, he just can't do that, it's not who he is. And I told him, well, your son's friend is going to live here as long as he can then! He doesn't work, and probably isn't looking for work, since he obviously can survive anyways! 

I definitely agree that if there is no incentive for them to move out, then they won't! Unless they want to. Me personally, I simply could not live at home, but not everyone is like that. I still have friends and family who live at home, who are my age. I feel bad for them (despite some of them making MORE money than me!). Some of them just prefer to live at home until they get married (I'm assuming..). It really is an odd phenomenon, and I definitely agree that charging rent or requiring housework or household chores be done is the only way (other than berating them to leave the next) to get them out and not get too comfy!!


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## Furbabies mom (Jul 25, 2011)

Mine still keep coming back, and my mom was here for awhile, that was OK, she was recovering from heart surgery, grand kids don't want to leave, and I swear the Orkin Man stayed here way longer than he was needed!! LOL if you find the answer tell me!! We've also had a teen (we were legal guardians) stay with us for 5 years, my DH grandfather, and my baby brother! We will NEVER be empty nesters!


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## Betty Johnson (Feb 24, 2013)

I totally agree that we all need to be available for our families and would never hesitate to help. I knew that if I needed anything my parents were available and that is how it should be. Maybe we can make him clean for his room and board. I hate cleaning, so that could be a win- win!


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## zooeysmom (Aug 1, 2011)

CorkieYorkie said:


> I still have friends and family who live at home, who are my age. I feel bad for them (despite some of them making MORE money than me!). Some of them just prefer to live at home until they get married (I'm assuming..). It really is an odd phenomenon...


I am living with my parents this summer and I have no problem with living at home. Why do you feel sorry for your friends and why do you find it odd that they would want to live at home? In 99% of cultures around the world, the children live at home until they're married, whether they're 18 or 50. I personally would way rather live with my family vs. some crazy person off of 
Craigslist (been there, done that--it was a nightmare!). Right now I'm with my parents because I'm selling my condo in Los Angeles and my mom is going through cancer treatment. It's a blessing that we can both be here for each other during our times of need.


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

lydiatug said:


> Well, experience has taught me that you can't make it too easy for them. Just like mommy birds push their babies out of the nest, we have to make it more unpleasant for them to stay than the prospect of creating a new exciting life for themselves. Could be a little tough love and some deadlines may be in order?
> 
> My husband always said his goal was to make the kids "want" to leave and start their own life and it worked for us!
> 
> Good luck with your dilemma : )


:thumbsup:


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## maggieh (Dec 16, 2007)

zooeysmom said:


> I am living with my parents this summer and I have no problem with living at home. Why do you feel sorry for your friends and why do you find it odd that they would want to live at home? In 99% of cultures around the world, the children live at home until they're married, whether they're 18 or 50. I personally would way rather live with my family vs. some crazy person off of
> Craigslist (been there, done that--it was a nightmare!). Right now I'm with my parents because I'm selling my condo in Los Angeles and my mom is going through cancer treatment. It's a blessing that we can both be here for each other during our times of need.


Elisabeth, what you are describing for yourself is very different - there is a need for all of you and you and your parents are supportive of helping each other with that need. 

I think what others are describing is the situation where an adult child stays at home because there is no rent, full meal service, a fully stocked refrigerator, paid utilities, maid service, laundry service and no accountability on the part of the adult child. That is an entirely different situation than what you are experiencing.

I moved back home briefly between giving up an apartment with a girlfriend and getting married. It was fine and my parents were supportive. But I also bought groceries while I lived there and helped my mom with cleaning.


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## zooeysmom (Aug 1, 2011)

Thank you for understanding my situation, Maggie. I do try to be as helpful as possible while I'm staying here, helping with household and pet chores, errands, etc.


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## Cyndilou (Jan 24, 2013)

I have a 20 yr old that could use some tough love also but I'm a wimp. She lives with her boyfriend but we pay all of her bills. We are trying to come up with a game plan. We pay her cell phone car ins all her medical dental and such. Plus we bought her car. I can't and won't support her til she's 30 but at least she doesn't live here or I would be highly medicated.


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## Leila'sMommy (Oct 20, 2012)

My daughter, who's the oldest of my two, got her own place as soon as she graduated college a few years ago. My 23 y/o son, however, has moved back in a couple of times. It was so hard on me when they both were first gone and I worried so much. After I got used to it, I was surprised that I liked it that they were on their own...and I had more money, haha. But shortly after getting that way, here comes the son again. I am glad we are able to be here for him and I do sleep better at night when he's here. Of course, I do wish for him that he will soon be fully self supportive again and have his own place. 


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## sherry (Jan 4, 2013)

Betty Johnson said:


> Thanks. It was 18 and out for us too. I went to school at night and worked full time. I never thought about moving back in with them. Quite a few of our friends are in the same boat. and we all wonder what we did wrong. Guess we just need to " man up" and push him in the right direction, which is out of our house...lol


Betty, don't "Man Up!" Woman Up!" My brother lived at home until my parents finally started charging him rent. He was 22! He took offense to that and moved out!


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

Sorry guys but I would not have pushed out my daughter at 18. She lived with us until she got married after college. She never moved back in. Even after her divorce. For me there is a limit. As soon you have a job and can be self sufficient you move out. I am not going to cook and do laundry for you for ever. That does not mean that in case of need because of unemployement she cannot come back. Of course I will be there for her and my house would be open. But don't take advantage of me.


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## Katkoota (Feb 18, 2006)

I have no experience with adult kids. I guess it is because I don't have adult kids yet. wait, I guess it's more of: l'm an adult kid of my parents currently LOL. In my 20's but I recently moved out of my parents place. They've been supportive. 


I have to admit that I'm blessed with both my parents :wub: :wub: they have always been supportive and continue to be if needed. Just "being there" helps. They're my best advisors of anything in life.
i'm there for them whenever they need too. They're my good friends :wub: best friends I can find in this life :wub2:


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## Katkoota (Feb 18, 2006)

CorkieYorkie said:


> I have noticed with the recession, things have changed in this regard. My generation (I'm turning 28 next month) is relying more and more on their parents, especially for a place to live!! It is very hard for recent grads to get jobs, especially in certain fields. It is becoming MUCH more "normal" for young adults to live at home through their 20s, and in many cases, their 30s as well. I have read several articles agreeing with this statement in regards to my generation during this recession.!


I've noticed that too.



zooeysmom said:


> In 99% of cultures around the world, the children live at home until they're married, whether they're 18 or 50.


 Thats true , especially where I come from. 
Not everyone of course (some just move out). but I mean, living at home is just a normal thing to do until married for the majority


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## chicklet and simba (Mar 19, 2013)

I agree with how in some cultures, that's just how it is. If my father had his way I would be living with him until I'm married... And even then there is a possibility that if he could, he'd keep me and my future family in the house next door.

But he didn't get his way, mostly because they live far from where I would get a decent job for what I studied for so I moved out... But so did my sister and now we are living together which seems to appease him 


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## nwyant1946 (Jan 2, 2013)

*My parents always joked about 18 being the checkout time...at least I think it was a joke...LOL I got married the first time at 18, but even after my divorce I didn't move back home. For some reason, I just thought of it as a step backwards...plus I had two kids. Now, my parents helped a lot with child care and always took the kids on vacations with them to give me a break which I fully appreciated. My mom always kidded me about never having potty trained any of my kids...she did it. Daddy said they couldn't go on vacation until they were housebroken, so Mom did it as early as the kids would allow..*

*I'm just saying if you make it so easy for them to stay, why would they want to leave?? And if they take offense at paying a little rent to help out, then let them go somewhere where they really will pay A LITTLE rent..talk about a reality check!!*


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## eiksaa (Jun 8, 2012)

This culture is so fascinating to me being non-American. Things are so different where I come from. 

When you are a kid your parents take care of you. Then when you grow up, you get a job and start contributing to the family income. You don't move out when you get responsible. You own up to those responsibilities. 

You take care of your parents when they are old. They help you raise your kids. I was raised by my grandma because both my parents worked. I moved out because I wanted to move here, but my parents and my husband's parents are both welcome to move in with us whenever they feel ready. 

Similarly, I know if we ever move back we will be living with them. The idea that they will ask me for rent is laughable to me. But that's because I will be a contributing member of the family. Financially AND for doing chores. We never got stars or money for helping with chores when we were growing up. We just did them because, hey, if we don't, my poor mom would be doing them herself! 

There are cons of course. Every decision is made by the whole family, you lose the kind of freedom that people have here, you don't have that sense of the individual and you think of yourself more in terms of your relationships. 

Still, that's what I would prefer any day. I don't like the idea of business deals with family. 


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## zooeysmom (Aug 1, 2011)

eiksaa said:


> I don't like the idea of business deals with family.
> 
> 
> Sent from Petguide.com Free App


Me neither, Aastha. It's like when my sister used to charge me $25/night to watch Zooey when I had to work. It seems so...strange to me. I was finally able to convince her to do a barter situation, but I feel like she's always keeping tabs on whether or not we're "even." IMHO, I think all family members should help each other whenever there is need.


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## CorkieYorkie (Apr 10, 2012)

zooeysmom said:


> I am living with my parents this summer and I have no problem with living at home. Why do you feel sorry for your friends and why do you find it odd that they would want to live at home? In 99% of cultures around the world, the children live at home until they're married, whether they're 18 or 50. I personally would way rather live with my family vs. some crazy person off of
> Craigslist (been there, done that--it was a nightmare!). Right now I'm with my parents because I'm selling my condo in Los Angeles and my mom is going through cancer treatment. It's a blessing that we can both be here for each other during our times of need.


Sorry, I didn't mean any offense to anyone living with their parents, but it's just something that *I* personally couldn't do unless I had no job and no money and no other options... (plus my mother and I would drive each other crazy :smpullhair 
And in your situation, I *completely* understand why you're living at home... if my mom was going through cancer and wanted me at home (we currently live 10 minutes away from them), I would definitely go be with her. One of my best friends has been living at home most of the time since we graduated college, and her dad went through cancer too, and now that he's gone, I'm sure she will stay with her mom for awhile.. plus she is Italian and I think it is just more of a norm with her culture. 

I suppose I don't feel sorry for those who live with their parents by *choice*... but I just wouldn't want to be in that situation myself because I'm just the type of person who wants to live on their own and not have to worry about waking my parents up when I came in at night (because they go to bed at 9, and I'm a night owl), things like that. 

I understand about the culture thing, and I always personally thought it was strange (again, just my opinion!), but I suppose I could understand the whole contributing to the family business thing. I just personally need my freedom/space/independence. But on the flipside, I am going to buy a house near my parents so they can watch my kids while I work.. :innocent: (my mom doesn't work) BUT then just today my mom refused to come over and take the fluffs out since I got a full time job :angry: And I also absolutely 100% believe in taking care of your parents when they need it until the time of their passing because that's just what you DO -- it's the right thing. 

So I guess, in my opinion, it's up to the individual.. but as someone in my 20s, living at home was just not an option for me if I worked and could pay my own rent... and I also could not live with randoms via craigslist, (I'd rather go broke living alone) but I just used that as an example of what my friend went through to AVOID living at home, because I feel most 20-somethings would do anything to get out of the house... but then there are those that love living rent-free and then those who just want to be close to their family, despite making enough to pay their own way... I suppose it really does depend!


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## Katkoota (Feb 18, 2006)

eiksaa said:


> When you are a kid your parents take care of you. Then when you grow up, you get a job and start contributing to the family income. You don't move out when you get responsible. You own up to those responsibilities.
> 
> You take care of your parents when they are old. They help you raise your kids. I was raised by my grandma because both my parents worked. I moved out because I wanted to move here, but my parents and my husband's parents are both welcome to move in with us whenever they feel ready.
> 
> ...


It is the same where I come from. I'm not living with my parents currently. However, I'm welcome to move back in or vise versa. And when one needs it, we're there for one another. It is just the norm. 

Having said that, moving out has been an exciting and a different experience, a lil challenging at times too but overall, a very useful experience that I'm glad I'm experiencing:thumbsup: I feel that I grew so much in just a short period of time. And my family? They continue to be my dear friends who I make sure to keep in touch with every once in a while. And When my parents need it, I'll be there for them just like they've always been :heart:


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## Maizy Moo's Mum (Jul 4, 2012)

I am an adult child age 26 and i moved out age 24, my parents were always joking when would they get rid of me but this was just a joke. I was eager to move out and be an independant woman and was saving really hard for a deposit to buy a house. My parents supported this and would rather i stayed at home and saved than wasted my money renting!!!! However i was expected to help out around the house and also pay rent not alot but my parents wanted myself and my sister to know the value of money. 

I got my fist sat job and eve job the week before my 16th birthday and have worked ever since then i loved it! I chose not to go to university as i got to used to the money and didnt want to do a degree i would not use!! All worked out great!!

I now live with my fiance in his house and continue to save and add to the deposit i was saving to in future buy a beautiful family home with my fiance so my parents have taught me well!!

I love my parents but would struggle to move back home anytime as i love the independance of living in my own house and love going to visit them i feel we have a better relationship now than when i was being a selfish teen!!!! 

I would also like to add my best friend still lives at home her boyfriend of 3 years has his own home and is dying for her to move in but she wont. Her mum doesnt work and does everything for her wakes her up for work in the morn, makes her bed puts her clothes away, brings her drinks to me this seems crazy but it makes her and her mum happy! Everyone is different!

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## Bailey&Me (Mar 8, 2010)

eiksaa said:


> This culture is so fascinating to me being non-American. Things are so different where I come from.
> 
> When you are a kid your parents take care of you. Then when you grow up, you get a job and start contributing to the family income. You don't move out when you get responsible. You own up to those responsibilities.
> 
> ...


Having come from a very similar background, I am in the same boat as Aastha. Even though my family has been in this country many, many years now, our cultural values remain largely the same. I am in my late twenties and my parents actually PREFER that I live at home with them. The last couple of years, I've been living on my own (I moved out of state for my job) and before that, I was away for school...but now I am moving back home and will be living with my parents for a while. The plan is that I will be getting my own apartment soon but this is a sore point with my parents because they think I should be living at home and saving up (rent is insanely expensive in the DC area!)...but I just really need my independence and my own space, especially with two dogs. They joke that I can just pay them rent instead and they'll cut me a deal...this is, of course, a joke because the idea of charging their kids rent is so ludicrous to them. Living at home to me doesn't mean that I get a free ride - I contribute to the daily chores and have told them I'd like to take over some of the bills as well. I've told my parents many times that they should downsize and move in to a nice condo so they don't have to worry about maintaining the whole house because the cleaning, yard work, etc can get exhausting - but they insist on having a place large enough for the entire family (including the kids) to live in. That is just how it works in my family.


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## Daisy's Mommie (Sep 24, 2012)

I moved in with my parents after my husband left 25+ years ago. It was me and my 9 year old daughter and a few clothes and some of her things--everything else went into storage. I didn't know what my future plans were because at that moment in time I couldn't see a future but I knew Dad and Mom were there for me. I also knew that living in their home was not going to be easy. I stayed 3 days and I was the longest 3 days of my life!! Thankfully, my aunt and uncle asked me to housesit for them while they spent the winter in Florida!! I LOVE my parents with all my heart and nothing bad happened while I was in their home, but I am a firm believer that 2 women cannot co-exist in the same household!! Later, I bought a home and lived in it for 11 years before I remarried and sold it. I then found out that Dad and Mom had put money back to help me with my house payments if I ever needed the help. I never did. My daughter came home several times--I'll never go back to him again!!" and was home maybe 24-36 hrs and back she went but, my door is always open and she knows that...


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## edelweiss (Apr 23, 2010)

I totally feel that every situation is as different as each individual family. There is not a right & wrong answer to this situation. Cultural values are critical in family relationships. I think the bigger question is whether or not a parent feels an adult kid is taking unfair advantage of a generous situation? If that is the case, then it is reasonable to establish borders and expectations. What I think is a real mistake is allowing one's self to be taken advantage of, and it causes undue strain on a relationship of value. Honest communication is the key---as in all relationships.


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## Deborah (Jan 8, 2006)

With the economy being the way it is I think a lot more adult children will be returning home.


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## zooeysmom (Aug 1, 2011)

edelweiss said:


> I totally feel that every situation is as different as each individual family. There is not a right & wrong answer to this situation. Cultural values are critical in family relationships. I think the bigger question is whether or not a parent feels an adult kid is taking unfair advantage of a generous situation? If that is the case, then it is reasonable to establish borders and expectations. What I think is a real mistake is allowing one's self to be taken advantage of, and it causes undue strain on a relationship of value. Honest communication is the key---as in all relationships.


:goodpost:


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## Madeleinesmommy (Nov 30, 2012)

I am an adult child living at home. Wow that sounds funny an adult child! LOL. I'm almost 25 and still in college thanks to some minor health issues and changing my major a few times but I will graduate next summer. The reason I am still at home and not is my own is 75% because of Maddie and 25% financial. I'm sure I could manage it and be okay financially but it's pointless to move out when I'm busy with Maddie. I could move into an apartment with Maddie and have to work extra so I would end up spending all of my time away from her which isn't something I want to do because that is unfair to her.

I'm lucky because there is usually someone home at all times so the my dog and my mom's dog aren't left home alone for very long or rarely at all. It's a nice system we have so we know the dogs are being cared for. At this point in my life I feel more like roommates than a child living at home.

I am hoping to move out either sometime soon or right after graduation next summer. Hopefully I will not be living alone so Maddie won't be alone all the time.

I do know that my mom and some of her friends and other family members have had problems with their adult children. My mom kicked out my younger brother 6 months ago because he wasn't following her rules, he was being rude to everyone, he wasn't cleaning up his messes, and he was trashing the house with no concern for anyone else. She struggled with the decision for a few months but now he is doing okay and living independently. And my mom knows other mothers and fathers who are struggling with the same situation.

Every family is different I guess.


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## dntdelay (May 27, 2011)

I will be 35 years old this year and I still live at home. Why you wonder? Well My Mom, and sometimes my Dad did not want me to move out, and neither did I. I remember my Mom telling me this "Why move out and pay for heating, cooling, food, water, etc... when I pay for all of that here. Plus, if I stayed at home I would have company all the time, or if I want time alone I have room to do that too" When my Mom told me this I thought to myself She's 100% right and since I love my Home why move out, especially since I will make sure I have a job close to home. 

My Parents had my sister and I when they were a little older then most parents so I wanted to stay close to them. It is my responsibility to take care of them and that's what I am doing, even if it's just a conversation that they want.


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

edelweiss said:


> I totally feel that every situation is as different as each individual family. There is not a right & wrong answer to this situation. Cultural values are critical in family relationships. I think the bigger question is whether or not a parent feels an adult kid is taking unfair advantage of a generous situation? If that is the case, then it is reasonable to establish borders and expectations. What I think is a real mistake is allowing one's self to be taken advantage of, and it causes undue strain on a relationship of value. Honest communication is the key---as in all relationships.


Yes each situation is different and what we mostly are against, is when the kids who live at home take advantage of the parents. I have a cousin who moved back in with his parents when his twin brother died. But he helps with cleaning and the cooking and the garden. He has his own space on the second floor. When parents are on a fixed income it also makes sense that the kids help pay for the utility bills.


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## gopotsgo (May 21, 2009)

Excellent post Sandi! 
My two cents, I would rather slice my wrists then live with either parent, LOL! They are good people, good parents, not perfect, but who is? I didn't move out at 18 because I was in college. I lived with my dad and hated every minute. Thank God he traveled a lot, it was the only thing that kept me sane, LOL. I am totally fascinated by other cultures, I am multi-ethnic myself. There are many wonderful ways in which cultural differences enhance one's self. But I think that living at home until one gets married is a total mistake. Especially for women. My family is matriarchal, I know this is unusual. I grew up never thinking it was odd that none of my 4 aunts or my mother changed their last name when they got married, or that they had their own bank accounts, businesses, etc. I think it is SO important to learn to be self reliant, to be comfortable alone, to be comfortable with who you are, to know how to handle everything about finances, household, etc. How can a woman learn how to do this if she goes from one dependent situation to another? I've seen the moms of some of my friends go through the death of a husband and be totally incapacitated, and I don't mean emotionally. Life deals us hard knocks and we should be as prepared as possible.
But I digress a bit. Regarding the original post, unless he is helping you out significantly in some way or he is in some short lived dire straits, kick the boy out. Fly, baby bird, fly!


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## casa verde maltese (Apr 7, 2007)

I was raised to be independent, if I couldn't afford it, I didn't have it and only in the face of starvation or needing car repair did I ask my parents for help or a LOAN - which I paid back w/in 30 days (I don't think I ever borrowed over $100 and I only did that 2x that I recall). I was a single parent (after my divorce way back when), my daughter was a yr. old and I worked 2 part time jobs, went to college and graduate school and never thought about moving home. Now, after I got married and was finishing up a class in graduate school - I did live w/my parents for 3 months and I bought food and fed myself and did laundry and chores. (and still worked part time). Now, my brother on the other hand.. well - they financed his trailer home and he lives on their property.. so.. each child is also different.


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## Snowbody (Jan 3, 2009)

edelweiss said:


> I totally feel that every situation is as different as each individual family. There is not a right & wrong answer to this situation. Cultural values are critical in family relationships. I think the bigger question is whether or not a parent feels an adult kid is taking unfair advantage of a generous situation? If that is the case, then it is reasonable to establish borders and expectations. What I think is a real mistake is allowing one's self to be taken advantage of, and it causes undue strain on a relationship of value. Honest communication is the key---as in all relationships.





gopotsgo said:


> Excellent post Sandi!
> My two cents, I would rather slice my wrists then live with either parent, LOL! They are good people, good parents, not perfect, but who is? I didn't move out at 18 because I was in college. I lived with my dad and hated every minute. Thank God he traveled a lot, it was the only thing that kept me sane, LOL. I am totally fascinated by other cultures, I am multi-ethnic myself. There are many wonderful ways in which cultural differences enhance one's self. But I think that living at home until one gets married is a total mistake. Especially for women. My family is matriarchal, I know this is unusual. I grew up never thinking it was odd that none of my 4 aunts or my mother changed their last name when they got married, or that they had their own bank accounts, businesses, etc. I think it is SO important to learn to be self reliant, to be comfortable alone, to be comfortable with who you are, to know how to handle everything about finances, household, etc. How can a woman learn how to do this if she goes from one dependent situation to another? I've seen the moms of some of my friends go through the death of a husband and be totally incapacitated, and I don't mean emotionally. Life deals us hard knocks and we should be as prepared as possible.
> But I digress a bit. Regarding the original post, unless he is helping you out significantly in some way or he is in some short lived dire straits, kick the boy out. Fly, baby bird, fly!


:goodpost:Both excellent posts.
Well this topic is near and dear to my heart. I have a boomerang son. Yes, he's come home after college. He's only 23 and got out of college (which was out of town) very early. He's got a part time job at a tv station and they pay hideously - I mean really, I think he could make more at Starbucks. He works crazy shifts, often double and triples in a row for several days. But he loves what he's doing. I know there's no way he can get out and live even with friends on the money he's making in this city. So I feel like we're in a holding pattern until he makes some real money or gets a staff job with benefits. I think all of us would like it if he moved out - but it seems impossible right now. He pays for all his own things, very often our groceries and goes out and buys them and cooks about once a week - some really great dishes. He was a godsend when I had my accident and sometimes I really like the company. On the other hand, I need a hazmat suit to go into his bedroom. :w00t: I don't deal with it...close the doors and let him clean up.
When I graduated college, I got a job at CBS News right out of college in the early 70's. I made the royal sum of $96 a week BEFORE taxes were taken out so there was no way I could get my own apt even back then. (I realize now that my car garage space is more expensive than my first apt. :new_shocked Some of the other desk assistants were getting food stamps to survive My mom never made me feel like I had to get out. She also let me live my own life as long as I respected her and her home. She knew I loved working in broadcast news and that was my passion so when I finally got a better job I was able to get an apartment but i think I was 25. My mom was also so outgoing and so much fun that I used to throw big CBS parties in our apartment and everyone had a ball. So I'm cutting my son some slack and praying that he'll get a good job with decent pay...soon rayer: He just lost out on one at the station - the person who got it was there for quite a while before him, so things are very tense for him right now and I know he was disappointed. :huh: But at least we're here to support him (emotionally) and give him some suggestions.


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## mdbflorida (Feb 28, 2013)

This is a tough one. I think if you can you help out but they have to be responsible for something. I left home and never went back -working multiple jobs to make ends meet. Life comes full circle and my mom moved in with me when she was 89 and lived with me until she passed away. My husband has two free spirited boys who didn't go to college and only call when they need money and never answer his calls. One lives with his mom and neither one has a real job. He finally had enough and started not picking up their calls and called them on the carpet of not answering when he calls why should he answer for them . You need to do what you feel comfortable with but I would charge them rent if they have a job and at the very least give them chores.


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