# Sorry to be a bummer



## Cyndilou (Jan 24, 2013)

Ok here's the deal. 
Hubby and I have been together since I was 17, I'm 43. 
We have been through building 2 houses, 3 kids which for the better part he worked out of town when they were little and I was left alone. I have had many health issuses. We had a house fire and lost our pets. I lost my dad to cancer. His mom just broke her hip. I have done so much over the years for his family. 
Anyway I unknowingly joined a cooking club. Get a free knife and they have you. Well I talked to them and they are giving the money back. 
He flipped. We aren't poor. Not rich but ok. He has never called me a name but he really went off. Even threw out the D word. So confused and lost. 
Please pray for me and any advice is so very welcome. Thanks guys.


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## Sylie (Apr 4, 2011)

Wait and see if he apologizes and hugs you. Maybe he was just cranky. If not, then we'll consider the other scenarios.


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## mdbflorida (Feb 28, 2013)

I agree with Sylvia. Holidays everyone is stressed.


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## wkomorow (Aug 26, 2011)

Not knowing either of you, but based on what you reported, I would say that something else is going on. Whether it is the stress of his mother's illness, or something happened at work or there are expenses you do not know about or more likely a combination of things, something is stressing him out big time to be concerned about a few dollars. Since I have never been married, I do not have any advice as to how to best communicate with him. All I can say is that if you two love each other, this will soon just be a blip in an otherwise solid relationship.


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## Cyndilou (Jan 24, 2013)

Thanks guys. It just feels better to get it out.


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

Maybe both of you are overreacting. You need to talk to each other and get to the bottom what is the real problem.


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## Maglily (Feb 3, 2009)

Hope you are feeling better soon.


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## Furbabies mom (Jul 25, 2011)

I've been married for 40 years and I can honestly say that my husband and I very rarely argue. There was a time when he was being critical and argumentive ! It went on for quite awhile and it drove me and our kids crazy. He had a Dr.appointment and when they did blood work they found out he was Type 2 Diabetes. Once he got his sugar under control with diet, he's back to normal! Maybe he has a health issue that is making him like that. Also sleep apnea(if they're not getting a deep sleep) will make you tired and irritable too. Hoping you and your husband can sort this all out!


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## Snowbody (Jan 3, 2009)

Cyndi - what is he nuts arguing with a woman who just bought a knife? :w00t::w00t::blink: Man, that's just asking for trouble. :angry: Okay, just kidding about that but if you've been through all you've been through and still made it this seems like something else might be getting to him. I would see if he does come to his senses (without that knife being used:thumbsup and if not try to talk to him from your viewpoint...all the things you do that I'm sure he doesn't even give a thought to. I just think most guys are clueless as to how we keep the train on the tracks when all **** breaks loose, mainly because we do it so well. Have a chat and tell him how horrible it made you feel. 

If he doesn't apologize after that, go out and buy a set of Ginsu knives and start sharpening. The cooking club will be childsplay next to them.:HistericalSmiley: We all love you and what you do, dearest so feel free to vent. :wub:


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## SammieMom (Nov 13, 2010)

I'm sorry your going through his Cyndi. rayer:Sounds like his outburst has nothing to do with the club fee, cause you did get a refund :aktion033:so if it's that they scammed you that he is mad about, geeez the internet full of scams :duh oh: everyone knows that unless they live in a cave. I agree since this is out of character for him maybe something else is going on and you were the easiest target. His family is lucky to have you. :innocent: try and tell him how he made you feel.


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## Snowball Pie's Mommi (Oct 16, 2008)

Before I say anything else ... I need to know what the "D" word stands for.


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## The A Team (Dec 1, 2005)

If you've gone all these years without anything like this happening.....count yourself lucky!! :aktion033::thumbsup: I don't think people change overnight, there must be something bothering him...and maybe this struck him like the needle that broke the haystack (did I say that right???:blink

Let's see how this plays out....

what's the D word? :blush::blush: my mind is having a senior moment and for the life of me, I can't think of what it could be...


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## wkomorow (Aug 26, 2011)

The only one I can think of is a pejorative for a lesbian. The other one I can think of is an alternative term for a male member plus head. (hey I am a man, we do have quite a vocabulary.)


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## wkomorow (Aug 26, 2011)

Thought of another one - the alternative name for a product called summer's eve


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## Snowball Pie's Mommi (Oct 16, 2008)

wkomorow said:


> The only one I can think of is a pejorative for a lesbian. The other one I can think of is an alternative term for a male member plus head. (hey I am a man, we do have quite a vocabulary.)


I don't know what would be worse ... the D word for divorce ... or, the D word for lesbian.


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## SammieMom (Nov 13, 2010)

I thought it was for divorce.


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## Matilda's mommy (Jun 1, 2005)

wkomorow said:


> Not knowing either of you, but based on what you reported, I would say that something else is going on. Whether it is the stress of his mother's illness, or something happened at work or there are expenses you do not know about or more likely a combination of things, something is stressing him out big time to be concerned about a few dollars. Since I have never been married, I do not have any advice as to how to best communicate with him. All I can say is that if you two love each other, this will soon just be a blip in an otherwise solid relationship.


 
:goodpost:




I THINK IT MEANS DIVORCE


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## Cassievt (Apr 24, 2013)

It sounds like you and your husband have been through a lot of sadness with the loss of your house and your pet. In your heart you know he loves you. Sounds like he is under a lot of stress because of his mothers broken hip. He probably just took it out on you. Talk to him and tell him how his outburst hurt you. This time of the year is very stressful and when family illness is included in the mix we tend to take out on the people we love most... What they don't realize women are often the care givers and they forget that we also sometimes need some TLC. I am sending you group hugs and lots of TLC!


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## Cyndilou (Jan 24, 2013)

Yes D word is divorce. I totally get the knife joke. I have thay quirky sense of humor too. He did apologize when got home but it was so late I had taken a Xanax and gone to bed. He had to leave really early this morning. He took my medicine with him. That's his huge control factor lately. Not my normal meds but my anxiety meds. 
He desperately needs to go and have a check up of his own. He works between 55-70 hrs a week. Way too much did I say way too much. They want to sent his 77 yr old mom home Wednesday and that is never going to work. She can't even get out of the bed. 
Ill keep you guys posted and thanks so much 
Cyndi


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## edelweiss (Apr 23, 2010)

Sorry Cyndi, but if he is taking your meds on purpose I would say you need to see a marriage counselor. This is not acceptable! There are no excuses for that kind of behavior. Go to the library & check out a book called Why Does He Do That? (Inside the minds of angry & controlling men) by Lundy Bancroft. Read it thoroughly & you will know how to deal w/this. I know how nice of a person you are. . . maybe too nice. Let me know if you can't find the book. Hugs.


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## Snowball Pie's Mommi (Oct 16, 2008)

edelweiss said:


> Sorry Cyndi, but if he is taking your meds on purpose I would say you need to see a marriage counselor. This is not acceptable! There are no excuses for that kind of behavior. Go to the library & check out a book called Why Does He Do That? (Inside the minds of angry & controlling men) by Lundy Bancroft. Read it thoroughly & you will know how to deal w/this. I know how nice of a person you are. . . maybe too nice. Let me know if you can't find the book. Hugs.


I hesitated on giving the same advice without knowing more ... but, I totally agree with Sandi after reading he is taking away your meds.

And, it is absolutely important that you do not allow your husband to stop you from seeing a professional therapist. I think you need to make the initial appointment with a therapist ... and, I think I would consider a woman. If your husband agrees to go with you, that is wonderful. But, don't be surprised if he doesn't ... and, in addition, if he tries to talk you out of it.

I question someone who is "working" that many hours, too. Are you able to reach him by phone during his working hours? I understand if one is in a business meeting that they cannot talk ... I am speaking in general.

Years ago, I was young and married to someone who abused me. Most of it was mental abuse. I always gave him excuses. I was in denial. It ended up to be a huge nightmare. Oh, and, he too, "worked" long hours. 

I waited ten years to remarry. I had three different marriage proposals during those ten years ... but, it took a long time for me to begin to trust again. Now I have been happily married for thirty-two years to a man who treats me with love and respect. 

My heart goes out to you, Cyndi. Please keep us updated here ... we care and are here to support you.


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## shellbeme (Mar 1, 2011)

Is he using your meidication, is that why he took it?


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## The A Team (Dec 1, 2005)

Ok, things are sounding different now. So he's trying to control you and your feelings too?! :w00t:

I think I better stop right here, because I know I will say something that I will regret.

Yes, he's under stress. Ok. So a lot of us are. He needs to take one of your Xanax and give the rest of them back to you. 

oh man......you are totally too nice!!! Try to have patience, but don't take too much mental abuse.


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## Cassievt (Apr 24, 2013)

That sounds like a really good book that Cindi recommended. I am going to pass that read to a niece that has a very controlling husband. He is a Cop, which makes things worse .


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## Matilda's mommy (Jun 1, 2005)

Cassievt said:


> That sounds like a really good book that Cindi recommended. I am going to pass that read to a niece that has a very controlling husband. He is a Cop, which makes things worse .
> 
> 
> Sent from Petguide.com Free App


 
I HEAR YA, MY HUSBAND IS A RETIRED COP,:smpullhair:


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## Cyndilou (Jan 24, 2013)

He doesn't personally take my meds he just has them and makes me go through h.... To get them. Which only makes it worse. He really is working all of those hours that I am sure of. I think he has hit his breaking point and I have too. I'm going to have to check on that book. Our kids are 18,20&22 now so they aren't babies anymore and understand clearly what goes on here. 
Thanks guys. Oh and you can say any opinion you have I can handle it.


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## shellbeme (Mar 1, 2011)

Cyndi I just don't understand. Are you taking more pills than you are suppose to? I don't understand why he would keep them away from you. If he's keeping them away from you just because he's being a jerk-that's not normal. That's not okay. Is he bullying you? Is there more to this? 

I lived under someone's thumb when I was a kid at home living with an alcoholic father, and now that I've grown up and gone out in the world and seen how that was not right-I could never do it again.

He does not define you. Is he why you are depressed? The D word, isn't always a bad word.


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## wkomorow (Aug 26, 2011)

Cyndi,

I think you are hurting deep inside. This is a horrible experience to go through. Even people who are always happy go through difficult and sad times sometimes. I would hope that you and your husband would be able to talk to a neutral party locally who can help - a therapist, physician, minister, etc. There is something deep here that needs to be resolved before the two of you can be happy again. You really need someone who is disinterested and neutral to work with both of you. Whether he is controlling you by controlling your medication or if he feels that he is protecting you (even if that is only his perception), no one here can tell you. I can only tell you that you deserve to have happiness back in your lives. No one can tell you that your life will be exactly as it was before, relationships are like living organisms that change through time. Being unhappy for a short period of time is a normal part of life, but if you allow resentment and despair take hold it eats away at the body and leads to serious health problems. Maya Aneglo was raped as a young girl, and she said that the greatest gift she ever gave herself was the gift of letting go and forgiving her assailant. It was not for his sake but it was liberating for her. For your own sake, please take the steps to resolve what is at the root of this problem.

Wishing you nothing but the best, may your heart find peace.


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## edelweiss (Apr 23, 2010)

wkomorow said:


> Cyndi,
> 
> I think you are hurting deep inside. This is a horrible experience to go through. Even people who are always happy go through difficult and sad times sometimes. I would hope that you and your husband would be able to talk to a neutral party locally who can help - a therapist, physician, minister, etc. There is something deep here that needs to be resolved before the two of you can be happy again. You really need someone who is disinterested and neutral to work with both of you. Whether he is controlling you by controlling your medication or if he feels that he is protecting you (even if that is only his perception), no one here can tell you. I can only tell you that you deserve to have happiness back in your lives. No one can tell you that your life will be exactly as it was before, relationships are like living organisms that change through time. Being unhappy for a short period of time is a normal part of life, but if you allow resentment and despair take hold it eats away at the body and leads to serious health problems. Maya Aneglo was raped as a young girl, and she said that the greatest gift she ever gave herself was the gift of letting go and forgiving her assailant. It was not for his sake but it was liberating for her. For your own sake, please take the steps to resolve what is at the root of this problem.
> 
> Wishing you nothing but the best, may your heart find peace.


:goodpost::goodpost:---& so articulate!


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## Snowball Pie's Mommi (Oct 16, 2008)

wkomorow said:


> Cyndi,
> 
> I think you are hurting deep inside. This is a horrible experience to go through. Even people who are always happy go through difficult and sad times sometimes. I would hope that you and your husband would be able to talk to a neutral party locally who can help - a therapist, physician, minister, etc. There is something deep here that needs to be resolved before the two of you can be happy again. You really need someone who is disinterested and neutral to work with both of you. Whether he is controlling you by controlling your medication or if he feels that he is protecting you (even if that is only his perception), no one here can tell you. I can only tell you that you deserve to have happiness back in your lives. No one can tell you that your life will be exactly as it was before, relationships are like living organisms that change through time. Being unhappy for a short period of time is a normal part of life, but if you allow resentment and despair take hold it eats away at the body and leads to serious health problems. Maya Aneglo was raped as a young girl, and she said that the greatest gift she ever gave herself was the gift of letting go and forgiving her assailant. It was not for his sake but it was liberating for her. For your own sake, please take the steps to resolve what is at the root of this problem.
> 
> Wishing you nothing but the best, may your heart find peace.





edelweiss said:


> :goodpost::goodpost:---& so articulate!


Yes, I agree. Walter ... :goodpost::goodpost:


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## Cyndilou (Jan 24, 2013)

You guys are Awesome. We have always been best friends. I don't know what's going on. I have suffered from depression for many years and some anxiety. I actually happen to have my appointment on Friday ( which he always goes too ). I'm going to bring alot of this up. 
It's nice to just beable to vent it out. He has always been a little on the controlling side as far as clothes and a bit of jealousy goes. Never like this though. 
Ill keep you guys updated.


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## Deborah (Jan 8, 2006)

Sounds like stress. You both have a lot going on. Pretty sure the knife isn't the real problem and may be having trouble talking about what is going on.
Best wishes


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