# "Family" Problem



## Malt Lover (Feb 17, 2005)

I am having a “family” problem and although I know what I should do, I am having problems going through with it. I guess what I need is reassurance that what I am about to do is the right thing.

Let me start out by giving you a very brief summary of my childhood. My mother died when I was a toddler and I was raised by my father until the age of twelve when he passed away of a heart attack. My father had written a will and I was placed in the home of very dear family friends seeing that we really had no other family. My father was a well-to-do man and I was to collect on the inheritance at the age of twenty-one. With all that being said, I deeply suspect that the “dear family friends” who took me in, did so hoping and/or thinking they would be receiving some of my father’s money—no such luck though.

I was treated decently by the family, but there were times when they were outright cruel to me. They also have two children who were around my age so I guess my father thought it was an ideal living situation. I can remember “family vacations” where both of their children were allowed to bring friends, but when it came to me suddenly there wasn’t enough money. Imagine being at Disney World and having to ride rides by yourself or with a complete stranger because you were the odd man out. These people were well to do, so it wasn’t a money object. When their children turned sixteen, they got brand new Mercedes. When I turned sixteen, I got a dinner at Applebee’s. I went to the prom and had to buy my own dress from the money I earned working at a grocery store. 

When I went to college and never had much to do with them after that. The first Christmas during my freshman year, they went away on a ski trip and I was not invited—I got the point.

I did not expect, at the time, to be treated like one of their children, but blatant indifference towards me was just hurtful. Looking back as an adult, they took me on as their responsibility so they should have treated me as their child. 

Let me also say that I do not hold any resentment towards any of them. I don’t know why they did what they did, but they did give me a decent home for six years. I have moved on and made a life of my own, without them. 

So here I am, many years later…Two days ago, I received a call from the daughter. I have not spoken to her in almost eight years. She and her husband wanted to know if I would loan them a significant amount of money. Apparently he lost his job and they are foreclosing on their home. Under normal circumstances I would just say no, but they have two small children. I asked why she didn’t ask her parents for the money and she said she didn’t want them to know and worry them due to health reasons. 

I am financially able to give them the money, but I am having a hard time doing so. This is agonizing for me. 

I would appreciate any advice that anyone has. 

Thank you for always being here for me!


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## sophie (Jul 9, 2006)

First, I would like to say how sorry I am that you lost both of your parents at such a young age. I cannot imagine how sad and scary that must have been for you. 
Secondly, I have no experience in anything like the situation you find yourself in, but I can say that if you are considering giving them a significant amount of money I would definitely not just give it to them. I would ask to make some arrangements with their mortgage company, bank, creditors, etc. and make arrangements through them to make sure the money is actually being spent on legitimate bills to get them out of immediate trouble. This would also make them see that you are not an easy mark - as they may see you - and make it less likely that they would turn to you again and again. 
And, I am by no means suggesting that you feel obligated to give them one cent. I personally don't see how you owe them anything. Do you think of them as "family" that you would seriously consider helping them out or do you consider them just people from your past? What would you do if someone else from your past turned up out of the blue and asked you for your money? 
I'll be praying that you find real guidance in making this decision. Sending you hugs.


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## starry (Sep 4, 2006)

Just you considering this makes you a better person than me.
If you feel the right thing to do is to help them out I would consider doing it in a very direct way to help THE children.
Thank goodness your dad protected your financial interest or you would not have recieved this phone call.


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## gottagettamaltee (Dec 1, 2005)

wow i am so sorry you had to go through so much. my family had a somewhat similar situation when my brother was 12 and his father passed away. my brother was the only child of his fathers and so all of his money and then some went to him. his sister, whom he really didn't have much to do with took a large sum of money from the estate, somehow, and wanted more. and then things got ugly, especially with other family members and other people who came out of the woodwork wanting money. when it comes to money, people can be very deceiving and manipulating. none of those people, so called "family" members, even speak to my brother now and he is going to be 26 this year. sometimes people are better left in the past.

my father recently sold a piece of property that almost tripled in value from what he paid for it. he loaned his bestfriend a large amount of money because he needed to pay for his own home because of financial difficulty. that was a year or so ago. he now owns a large mansion aside from his other home where he was living. he hardly ever speaks to my father, really avoids him. my father needed the money back recently and the guy comes up with every excuse in the book as to why he doesnt have the money to give back. 

i also had a personal situation where my uncle needed a very large amount of money from my mother. she didnt have enough, so hey guess what, my first car i got for my 16th bday was sold to help him out. but guess what, he didn't really NEED all of the money. my mom found out later on that my aunt had about half the amount in her bank account. they just wanted to be able to pay their bills AND live a life of luxury. my family suffered because of it.

so... i don;t really know what to tell you. i myself would not do it unless i was 100% sure that the money would be repaid. just take a step back and look at the situation from every angle possible. do you trust that her and her husband will pay you back? do you feel like they are only asking you because they think you will lend it to them or will feel some type of obligation because of the past situation of her family taking you in? those are some big questions i would definately think about. also, if they were to never pay you back, would it hurt you financially down the road? would they do the same for you if you were in this predicament? would she have ever called if not for needing a loan? do they desperately need the money? 

again i'm so sorry you are in this situation right now. i know when it comes to money and people asking for it, it's just a stressful situation. i hope you can decide on a solution that will work out for what is best for yourself.


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## triste (Aug 30, 2004)

As a person who has been alienated by her own brothers (full blood)...if they ever came back to me and asked for money I would say Heck NO! However, you did not say how your newly found siblings acted/treated you when you were there. You only described your relationship w/ the adults at the time. Personally I would say no..and suggest that they talk to the parents. Why bother you? If all other possibilities were exhausted then MAYBE I'd think about it but no guarantees. I really truly admire you for even thinking about it but I would certainly not do it myself. Tell them to go talk to mom and dad.







Health reasons or not, I still think it's inappropriate to ask you.


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## camfan (Oct 30, 2006)

I don't really have anything more to add to the great advice you've already been given besides that I'm VERY sorry for your losses in the past. Have you ever gone to therapy to talk about these things? Your past, etc. I would 100% encourage that and maybe talking about everything that you've gone through and having a pro give you insight will help you with situations like you are now experiencing AND ones that are bound to come up in the future. 

One, tiny, tidbit of my own advice--I don't believe you can "loan" money to a friend or otherwise and expect to EVER see it again unless you go through a source like Sophie mentioned--and even then you are taking a huge gamble. If you can part with your money, giving it to them, knowing full well that you'd never see it again and feeling 100% GREAT about it, then by all means do it. You sound like you're having reservations about it--listen to your conscious is what I say. There are plenty of other means of them getting money--it will take them more time and effort and maybe they are the sort that is trying to get the easy eay out. You need not even give any explanations other than "I'm sorry I cannot help you." 

At the beginning of your post you said you've already made your decision and just needed reassurance--what is your final decision? Best of luck!!


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## msmagnolia (Sep 8, 2004)

I am very sorry for the losses that you suffered as a child. My mother was in a similar situation, along with her 3 sisters, but there was no money for any of them as they got older. It is very tough. The aunt and uncle that took her in did the best they could, but she was not quite treated like their own children. Until they died she tried to be the daughter and it just didn't work. I've seen her hurt and I know that it a very sad situation.

You won't get paid back in all likelihood. The fact that this woman has made no attempt to keep in touch with you also indicates that she has no feelings or concerns for you. If you have a sincere fondness for her, then that might be a consideration, but you can't buy the love that should have been shown to you as teenager. Ask yourself what she will do if you aren't willing to help her. If her parents are financially able, she will probably end up asking them. You may be the last resort before going to them. My advice, since you have no dealings with this family any longer, is to let them handle things amongst themselves. If you feel that you need to do something, then give them a gift card to a grocery store, and go on with your life. If someone that you were barely acquainted with asked you for the money, what would you do? If you would refuse to loan the money to them, then I would think that would be your response to this women. 

PS. Are you sure that your father's estate never gave the family any money for your food or clothing?


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## k/c mom (Oct 9, 2004)

I heard Oprah on Larry King the other night talking about all the people who ask her for a "loan". She said she would never see or hear from them again once they got the money. In many cases they were embarrassed because they hadn't paid her back. She said someone from her past, the person who gave her one of her first jobs in broadcasting, asked for a loan recently. She said she told him she would give him the money and didn't want to be paid back. She said now that is what she always does. If someone needs money and she wants to help them, she will give the money to them but not loan it. It causes too much anguish.

If you can afford to give them money and want to do so, then do it but don't expect to ever see it again.


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## The A Team (Dec 1, 2005)

Well, all I can say is if you do decide to loan them the money, I'd get the whole thing in writting. Have them sign a contract stating the payment schedule, etc. It would probably be beneficial to get a lawyer to create a contract. Guess I watch Judge Judy too much









Just by you loaning them the money proves you to be a better person then they'll ever be. If they're adults, and are afraid of mommy & daddy's opinion, why can't they just go to a bank like any other normal person that needs money?

Hummm, I don't know....the more I think about it - the worse it sounds. You're already a better person than me.

Just make sure you loan the money for the right reasons and not just because they make you feel bad if you don't.


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## KandiMaltese (Mar 27, 2007)

Personally if I got a phone call from someone who didn't treat me nice all growing up and I hadn't heard from them in 8 years only to get a phone call can I have some money? HECK NO! 

Like Pat said, if you do it, get everythign notarized in writing and have a pay back date. Personally, I wouldn't do it, but whatever you decide is your decision!









Some people really have some nerve!

Andrea


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## Tallulah's Mom (Jan 8, 2007)

> Well, all I can say is if you do decide to loan them the money, I'd get the whole thing in writting. Have them sign a contract stating the payment schedule, etc. It would probably be beneficial to get a lawyer to create a contract. Guess I watch Judge Judy too much
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I totally agree. Let me first say I am so sorry for the loss of your mom and dad. I think that you have turned into a wonderful adult that I'm sure they would be so proud of.









I was raised by my mom and step dad. My real dad died before I was born. With my step dad and his family, my brothers and I would always feel like second class citizens. After my half brother was born, my other brothers and I saw the difference in how he was treated over us. (For instance, my step dad always hit us if we did something wrong, but never laid a hand on his own son. )

I will never understand how any adult could knowingly mistreat a child for any reason.









I would only give money to someone who has successfully ignored me for years, if I could give it away with the possibility of never getting it back and never hearing from them again. You are definitely a much better person than I am, because I don't think that if I was in your position I would be able to even consider it. lol
Do what you think is best for you. Don't do anything out of guilt or because you feel bad. You have nothing to feel bad or guilty about, and you really don't owe anyone anything.







Good luck with your decision.


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## mom2bijou (Oct 19, 2006)

i also am sorry for your losses. i know similar pain...i lost my father a little over 4 years ago. 

money is a such a sticky subject. i hate being in the situation where people ask for money, friends or family. i agree...do it for the right reasons...but also know that you may not get the money back, and it may not rekindle an 8 year absence. with that being said....it is definitley a tough decision. if you decide to loan them the money, hopefully they appreciate it with the greatest gratitude, and if they don't then it's a hard lesson learned. i have been there. i've helped out a family member before when this person was struggling, and i never got repaid. they seemed to "forget" about it. i vowed at the point to say no to them, no matter what the situation.

good luck with what you decide...and be strong with whatever you should decide to do.


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## lillady (Jan 25, 2007)

Oh, hun, I'm so sorry you had such a rough childhood. That must have been very hard for you.







It's amazing what money can do to people-it can make some very cruel. Ok, this is just coming from the part of me that has gotten burned from borrowing money to my family and never getting it back. I guess if I were you-if you want to borrow them money, I would ask if they could give me the address for their mortgage company and I'd make the payment directly. Maybe you trust them more than that......It is great that you came out of this whole thing growing up with such a generous heart!







The world needs more people like you!







Good luck in whatever decision you make!

Take care!


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## THE GiZ&THE CHAR (Dec 14, 2006)

I 100% agree with what everyone is advicing you on. 8 years is a pretty long time and to have someone come to you after so long and ask you for something such as money, is completely insane to me. And I personally wouldn't do it but it's all up to you. Trying to put myself in their shoes, I don't even know how they'd even have the " " to come to you after so long and ask for that kind of thing. I honestly don't see how any "right" person WOULD or could do that. I say you help the people you love or people that love you back, or people that are doing things for a good cause, like when you donate. But I would turn them down because they didn't care enough to call you all these years and now they wanna come to you when in need, especially with money and eventually, if you don't help, they'll find someone else. But like I said, it's up to you.

I'm really sorry for your losts in the past and glad to hear your doing good on your own now.


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

Sorry you lost your parents at such a young age. As for the loan, chances are you will never see the money again. Give it to them only if you are ready to loose it.


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## Suz & the Fluffs (Mar 11, 2006)

> Well, all I can say is if you do decide to loan them the money, I'd get the whole thing in writting. Have them sign a contract stating the payment schedule, etc. It would probably be beneficial to get a lawyer to create a contract. Guess I watch Judge Judy too much
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I just couldn't put in to words how I feel. But Pat really summed it up for me. You are definantly a better person than me as I would not even think about it at all unless all of their other options were completely exhausted. And yes like Pat said if you do it and expect to see the money back get everything in writing. And if they do make payments give them a slip or piece of paper reciept so that you are both on the same track. 

My b/f sold his laptop to a daughter of someone his family is good friends with. And she couldn't pay the 1,200.00 up front and James had already bought a new laptop and wasn't hurting for money so he said ok. Well he wrote every check payment down. And when she brought him a payment a couple months ago she said ok here is my last payment. And said no you still owe me $200.00 more. She said I gave you the first payment in cash. He said he would have written it down. So she had her mom come over here and lie to us and say that too. So he just gave up on getting his $200.00 and went to Best Buy and cashed in the warranty. And these people were really close to his family. 

I know that was a long story but I was just trying to say that these people were really close to us before this and not so much anymore. So if you want to take that risk you can, but like I said you are a better person than me for thinking about it even though they haven't exhausted their other options yet. 







to you.


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## Krystal (Feb 3, 2007)

You are such an amazing person. I am so sorry for your rough childhood, but I truely believe that things happen for a reason...I know that no child deserves or should lose their parents at the young age you did, but look at the strong person you have become!







We truly do need more kind hearted people in the world like you! 

I totally agree with the others! GL in whatever decision you make! oh, and whatever you do, get it in writing!!! (I too watch too much Judge Judy & People's Court!)


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## JessicaMO620 (Sep 18, 2006)

First, I think you should do what YOU feel is right, but if I were to give them the "loan" I would have a contract written up saying that they will pay you back, and then get a money order made out to whatever company they owe too... just to make sure that the money will go to bills and not something unnessecary. Just know that loaning money to a friend or family member is never a good idea, if they never paid you back would that make your opinion of the family even lower? Make a pros and cons list!


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## revakb2 (Sep 8, 2006)

Looking at the situation from another angle, are you helping or enabling by loaning them money. You didn't say if the husband is working now. If he is not, you are only delaying the inevitalbe. No bank wants to repocess a house, especially in this kind of market. If the husband is working, he should be able to negociate a repayment plan with the bank. 

You should not feel guilty for saying no. This is not your problem or obligation. If the grandparents are financally able, they should be the ones to help. Have you ever considered that maybe they were asked and refused for whatever reason to help out their daughter. It is always difficult to say no, but sometimes that is the best answer for all concerned.


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## Andrea&Luci (Jul 30, 2006)

I am really sorry for the losses of your parents at a young age. I am also sorry for the mistreatment that you received from the people that you stayed with. 
That being said...you haven't spoken to the girl in 8 years...8 years!! That is a realllllly long time, specially if there has been absolutely zero contact. For her to call you and as you for money, is just DOWN RIGHT NERVY!!! Even if you were to have the papers worked out and notarized and whatever else, likely they won't pay you back, and in a few years you will end up in the SAME boat that you're in now, while deciding whether to sue them for the money in small claims Court. IMHO-----I think you should kindly tell them no, AND NO EXPLANATIONS!! (the fact that you were the beneficiary to your dad's estate is NONE OF ANYONE'S BUSINESS!...specially people like that!! )
I feel bad, because those 6 years that you lived with them, they didn't treat you as an equal person --denying you with things that matter to teenagers... And i really think that they MUST have known that it affected you because you were vulnerable b/c of your parents...so i feel like they must think that you need them as "family" now, and that you won't be able to say "no"....they are down right taking advantage of you. DONT LET THEM!!!!!!


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## LMJ (Feb 16, 2006)

This may sound kind of harse, but my advise is not to give them any money. If you are in a position to let them stay in your home, I might advise that for a short time (if you trust them), but I would not give them any money. You may be able to buy them some groceries or directly pay a bill or two for them if you really feel the need.

My opinion has nothing to do with their treatment of you as a child, but just that's it's never a good idea to give large sums of money to family or friends unless you set out to do this and intended it to be a gift. But then again, you haven't heard from these people in 8 years. Why would you give such a gift to someone you haven't even heard from or are close to.

Again, if you are really agonizing over it that much, give them just enough to get them on their feet for a short peiod of time, but I would not give them anything really significant, and certainly would not expect repayment.

There are many ways to make do if you are truly a self sufficient person. These people should not be asking you for money. I would be suspicious of them.


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## PuttiePie (Nov 22, 2006)

I am sorry you had such a rough time growing up...Separate from that, I understand the feeling of being able to help other's and wanting to assist because you are able to financially..but...unless you are fully prepared not to see the money back ever again, do not give them any. I have finally learned this lesson the hard way and the anguish of trying to do the right thing by people only to have them turn around and disrespect you is just too much. I would say, if you want to GIFT them, go ahead, but please do not expect them to honor a loan. Just my advice...


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## CathyB (Mar 10, 2007)

> I am sorry you had such a rough time growing up...Separate from that, I understand the feeling of being able to help other's and wanting to assist because you are able to financially..but...unless you are fully prepared not to see the money back ever again, do not give them any. I have finally learned this lesson the hard way and the anguish of trying to do the right thing by people only to have them turn around and disrespect you is just too much. I would say, if you want to GIFT them, go ahead, but please do not expect them to honor a loan. Just my advice...[/B]


That is very good advice, puttiepie I feel the same way. I understand how you feel it is always hard to turn someone down especially when there are children involved but sometimes we have to. I would not allow the children to go hungry I've offered grocery donations to help others out in the past but never something as large as what they have asked of you.


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## MalteseMum (Apr 25, 2007)

One, I am so sorry for your past and no one should have to go through that, two I defiantly say don't give it to her or her family. If it is the children your worried about, maybe buy them some gifts, but it sounds like you don't owe them anything at all, and your parents gave you that money for you, your future, and if you were to have kids. You need to make your own investments because when things happen financially, you need to take care of yourself. If your the first person they ask, they probably think your easy. Don't do it, I can guarentee you will regret it sometime in your life.


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## camfan (Oct 30, 2006)

> One, I am so sorry for your past and no one should have to go through that, two I defiantly say don't give it to her or her family. If it is the children your worried about, maybe buy them some gifts, but it sounds like you don't owe them anything at all, and your parents gave you that money for you, your future, and if you were to have kids. You need to make your own investments because when things happen financially, you need to take care of yourself. If your the first person they ask, they probably think your easy. Don't do it, I can guarentee you will regret it sometime in your life.
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That's a good idea about giving gifts to the children IF they need it. What did the family say they needed the money for, anyway? I think I asked this in my original post but did they already try to take out loan(s) and were denied? How desperate are they? If need be, and if you felt compelled, you could always send them vouchers for food or clothing. Even folks with the worst credit can get loans these days, high interest, of course, but it's not difficult to do! Don't let them use you to take the easy way out!!


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## Malt Lover (Feb 17, 2005)

First, I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond. It means so very much to me.

I guess I should first state that when I said I was considering loaning them the money, I meant "give" them the money. I feel if you loan someone money, do so knowing you will never see it again. If you do get it back, consider yourself lucky. She also did say she would send us any documentation that I needed showing they are foreclosing on their home. While I am not fond of the daughter, I have never known her to be a liar.

After I posted the original message, I realized that I never mentioned how their children treated me. Their children treated me pretty much the same way as their parents. Indifferent is the best word I can come up with. We never really got along, and there were many times when we fought, but I was more of an outcast, an intrusion. However, maybe the children were mimicking their parents' behavior. Can I really hold the actions of a child against them?

Furthermore, there were provisions in my father's will to give money to the family friends each year for my living costs. I just think they were thinking it would have been all the money.

The idea of sending them gift cards for groceries is a wonderful idea. I might just do that. Thank you for that idea.

As for therapy, I went many years ago due to the encouragement of a college professor. After two sessions, the therapist said she really didn't see any reason for me to continue coming. She thought I had a good outlook on the entire situation and seemed to have resolved it with myself. 

I don't want to sound like I am unappreciative towards these people. They did give me a home for six years and I was not treated terribly, just differently. I realize that bad things happen in life. It is just how you deal with them that matters in the end. I refuse to spend the rest of my life having a pity party over what has happened in my past. By doing that, I miss out on my present and future life.









Okay, I think I am going to give her a call and tell her no. I just need to figure out _how_ to say it.


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## KandiMaltese (Mar 27, 2007)

> First, I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond. It means so very much to me.
> 
> I guess I should first state that when I said I was considering loaning them the money, I meant "give" them the money. I feel if you loan someone money, do so knowing you will never see it again. If you do get it back, consider yourself lucky. She also did say she would send us any documentation that I needed showing they are foreclosing on their home. While I am not fond of the daughter, I have never known her to be a liar.
> 
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Perhaps you can tell her that now is not the best time. That you have not had a relationship with her in over 8 years and that you wish her the very best and it would be great to get to know her and her kids again. And giving the kids a couple gifts or a "house warming" gift would be a great idea. 

I definitely think "loaning aka giving" them the money would not have been in your best interest and as one other poster said, they may think of you as an easy target.

Good luck to you, you deserve the money you were given from your father. He was YOUR father, not theirs. Think about what he'd want you to do.

Andrea


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## TheButtercup (Mar 3, 2005)

wow, i certainly don't envy you in this spot. a co-worker of mine is going thru a similar situation with her sister. her sister is a compulsive shopper and liar. (heck, throw in "drama queen" while you're at it) she owed so much money to so many people in their family, and still had the nerve to ask for lavish holiday/birthday gifts. (because after you cry about your electric being cut off, and playing the "what am i going to tell my SON????" card....and then asking for a coach (or prada! prada will do, too!) purse/wallet/keychain for her birthday....is NERVY!!!!!) anyhoo. some family members mumbled quietly about her borrowing so much money, so often, and it turned out they never knew HOW much she had borrowed from HOW many of them... she went to a financial planning place where they drew up a contract, repayment terms, etc.... and after two months...she stopped all payments because "it was too stressful" (translation: it cut into her new shoes'n'purses budget). there wasn't much anyone could really DO....small claims court? meh. is it WORTH the time? suing her? for what? some purses? cutting off contact? no, why make her child suffer.... the list goes on. 
they're all still miserable. except my friend's sister. she's already spent the money she had set aside for next month's daycare.... she's treating herself to a CRUISE since her mother is moving back into town and will be able to watch her kid. (the mother is not aware of this situation, either)

poor you. i hope it gets resolved with as little drama as possible







good luck to you


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## MissMelanie (Feb 13, 2006)

> As a person who has been alienated by her own brothers (full blood)...if they ever came back to me and asked for money I would say Heck NO! However, you did not say how your newly found siblings acted/treated you when you were there. You only described your relationship w/ the adults at the time. Personally I would say no..and suggest that they talk to the parents. Why bother you? If all other possibilities were exhausted then MAYBE I'd think about it but no guarantees. I really truly admire you for even thinking about it but I would certainly not do it myself. Tell them to go talk to mom and dad.
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Ditto! However mine is my ONE full sister. My half sisters treat me better then my full sister did ever.



I am so VERY sorry for the loss you have suffered in your past. You are one amazing person to be able to see this clearly and move forward. Good luck and wisdom to you.

Melanie


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## my baby (Aug 22, 2006)

Maltlover I think you definitly made the right choice. I think it was wrong of her to put you in that position to begin with, so try not to feel bad about saying no. Afterall it is only her pride really that is preventing her from picking up the phone and calling her dad for a loan of money.
I think the vouchers for groceries is a good idea if you want to go down that line, but I certainly would not feel obliged to do that, afterall she hasnt contacted you in eight years to see how you are doing or if you needed any kind of help or support.









Linda and snoop


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## Chelsey (Dec 17, 2004)

Personaly agree with this statment



> If you can afford to give them money and want to do so, then do it but don't expect to ever see it again.[/B]


I would also add don't expect any help from them in the future either if you need it. 
Since they have never been close to you or even contacted you in the pass.. They most likely will take the money and never contact you again.

We also had an experience like this from a family member... we helped them purchase there home for my DH's niece to have some where nice to live.. we did this all for the niece and not his sister.
Anyway long story short, mortgage payments were missed and ended up coming out of our account and we had our home to be concerned about that we nearly did not get because our names were all over the sisters that we were trying to help out. 

Then the niece ended up living with the grandma anyway.. and never lived in the home . When we tried to find our what was happening to the mortgage payments that were not being made the comment we received from the family member was well you both work for very rich companies you should be able to pay my mortgage








We were hardly getting by at the time.. we put all our saving in to her home and ours.

That was the last straw , and we realized this person did not care about anything not her daughter or my DH or her own mother that also helped carry her mortgage to keep our credit good because the sister did not pay it. It took two years but we got our name removed from the documents .

Out of all of this the niece never had a home with her mother. She always remained with the gradma. We learned our lesson the hard way. 

If you plan on helping this person.. don't expect even gratitude.. If you get it .. that will be the best part. If not at least your heart will not be broken.

Just as so one said above, the fact that your even considering it means your a good person..
And don't feel bad if you have to say no. 

if you decide to give it to them.. You don’t have to give them all of it . ( think of how will this effect you , can you really afford to give it away and not get it back) 
for us , we would have been in a better situation now if we had never helped that family member.


Last I'm sorry they treated you so badly.

Sometimes doing things for the child, never works out the way you think.. and the child never even benefits from it. This has happened to us time and time again. It took us a long time and many heart ahce to learn to say no.. 

I pray you make the right desision that is right for you.


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## puppymom (Jun 13, 2005)

First I want to say CONGRATULATIONS on overcoming so many obstacles in your life. So many people use difficult beginings as an excuse for not "making it" in the real world. You are a stronger better person for it and I suspect you will go far in life. 


I would not feel the slightest obligation to loan these people money or guilt about not doing so. You did not mention it but since your Father put so much thought into making sure you were cared for my guess is that he must have made some financial provisions for you as well. In other words your guardian family didn't have to spend alot "out of pocket" for your care. Presumably the arrangement was decided/agreed on between your Father and them before his death.

If this person has not felt you were important enough, or "family" enough to be in touch with you for eight years she should be ashamed of HERSELF for coming to you now. Do not allow yourself to get caught in a "guilt trap", you have not obligation to help this woman out. Do so ONLY if your truly want to.


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## dolcevita (Aug 3, 2005)

I doubt that her parents would let their daughter and grandchildren go without food or shelter, so this isn't even a crisis situation. If her relationship with her parents is so bad that she's afraid or too proud to ask them for money, that's not your problem. Sorry to be so harsh, but I really can't believe her nerve in asking you for money after ignoring your existence for 8 years.


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## casa verde maltese (Apr 7, 2007)

Well, there has been a great deal of advice given - that's good. The only thing I haven't really noticed is why isn't she asking her brother?

I cannot imagine asking someone who I haven't spoken to in 8 yrs for money (let alone anyone). I'm not necessarily a trusting person and I would wonder if she hasn't already asked her parents and they turned her down or they've given her money and for whatever reason aren't going to give her anymore.

You need to do what is right for you, but don't expect any changes from them. (which it didn't seem like you would).

I'm sorry you are in this situation that is reminding you of the loneliness of your teen years.
j


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## Malt Lover (Feb 17, 2005)

Sorry for never updating everyone. 


UPDATE
I did call the daughter (I'll call her "Jennifer") and told her that I thought sending the money was not the best idea at the moment due to our past relationship. That was really all I said and she thanked me profusely for even thinking about it.

I thought about it for a few more days and decided to send them gift cards to Wal-Mart, Target, a grocery store, a restaurant and movie passes (frivolous, but a night out with the family is always nice). 

Her husband called me as soon as they got the package. He was so kind and kept thanking me for being so generous. We spoke for a few minutes and he said Jennifer wanted to speak to me, but couldn't at the moment because she was crying so hard. I told him that was fine and she didn't even need to thank me. A few hours later she called me back and we spoke for over an hour. 

We spoke about the time I lived with her family. Some family issues came out, ones that I had no knowledge of at the time, and it shed much light on my treatment and the way the family dynamics functioned. It really explained any questions I had. She said that so many times she wanted to contact me, but felt horrible about the way I was treated. She really doesn't seem to be the person I have always thought she was, in fact, she is a very kind person. 

We have been keeping in contact for these past few weeks and she and her husband are trying to get back on their feet. 

I'm glad I was given this opportunity to speak to her, it clarified so much for me. Life has a funny way of sorting itself out.


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## Tanner's Mom (May 27, 2005)

Wow. You are truly a very very nice person.


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## casa verde maltese (Apr 7, 2007)

I'm glad things had a way of working out and you did what was best for you.


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## 2maltese4me (May 8, 2006)

<span style="font-family:tempus sans itc">Coming in late here. I had a lot to say...but theres no point in doing so now. I will say this, I agree with you 110%.....I wouldn't have sent money either...but the gifts that you sent were perfect.







So glad things worked out!!!!







</span>


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## Chyna's Mommie (Feb 23, 2007)

My POV:

I wouldn't lend them nothing. If the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn't get one red cent. 8 years of silence has proven that. She decides to call you when she needs a hand out. Not to rekindle a sisterly relationship with you. Not to apologize for the way her family treated you. Instead to help her out because she doesn't want her parents to get in her business. I truely feel she is using her "parent's health" as an excuse. Just something to make you feel like she doesn't have anywhere esle to turn. Parents want to help their children. They don't want to see them in a financial bind. If she can't go to her parents I think there is another reason. But you not being in the loop wouldn't know and have no way of finding out. Something that she knows already. I would tell her sorry, but I'm not able to help you at this time.

Don't open a door that you have already closed a door on. You've moved on. Keep on moving.


Didn't even see the update: Glad you found an alternative to the money. That was a very thoughtful gesture. Also you might have a sister after all. Just keep your eyes open.


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## puppymom (Jun 13, 2005)

I think what you did was absolutely perfect!!!! You have allowed the door to open to healing and a different kind of relationship without putting yourself in a position fo be taken advantage of. You now have the opportunity to resolve some of your past issues and perhaps develop a relationship with this person that will be good for both of you. 

I hope things work out for all of you, KUDOS to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## msmagnolia (Sep 8, 2004)

I'm so happy to get an update too. Life really is funny sometimes. I think you did exactly the right thing and as your relationship develops with this woman (if it continues), it would be nice to send them a "gift" from time to time if you feel like you can afford it and if you want to. Gifts are so much better because they come freely from you and without expectation from them.


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## Eddie's Mama (Jun 10, 2007)

I am so sorry to hear about your childhood. It made me cry. 

My gut feeling would be to not give her the money. I can't believe she actually asked you for it. It's not right to make contact with someone after so many years because of money.. I don't think it's a good idea. She can ask her parents, she's just taking an easier way out. There's more to her story and it isn't your problem. 

I know I sound harsh, but my mum has been screwed over by her brother over money and they were taking at the time!

Unless you have a special close relationship with someone, don't lend them money, especially a large amount.

Please don't lend her the money. You are not a bad person if you don't. You just have to keep reminding yourself that your not.



> I am so sorry to hear about your childhood. It made me cry.
> 
> My gut feeling would be to not give her the money. I can't believe she actually asked you for it. It's not right to make contact with someone after so many years because of money.. I don't think it's a good idea. She can ask her parents, she's just taking an easier way out. There's more to her story and it isn't your problem.
> 
> ...


Sorry didn't see your update..im glad your finding some answers. But i still wouldn't give her money.. your gifts were so thoughtful..you sound like a really nice incredible person.


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## Jacki (Jul 13, 2006)

Wow!! I'm so glad to read your update.










It was a very kind thing you did. You did just the right thing, I think. You didn't put yourself in a position that could create more negativity (if you "loaned" money and it was never repaid) but you did something generous and without expectation of repayment. Even though you were hurt by this family, I applaud you for taking the high road here and I hope that you will be able to continue having positive communication with this woman. I'm glad you got some answers about the situation, even though it doesn't change the past, it must still be good to have some answers.


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## lillady (Jan 25, 2007)

Wow-what a great thing you did. It's amazing how something so generous can bring out the good in everyone involved. I'm so glad she was able to shed light on why you were treated the way you were and the healing process can begin. Good for you!


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## The A Team (Dec 1, 2005)

Sort of sounds like a happy ending to a fairy tale. You are a very thoughtful person and I'm proud to have you on the forum with us.


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## Princess D (May 16, 2007)

I really feel that she needs to speak to her parents about a loan. They are clearly able to help their daughter and it would save you the headache of being involved with a loan to a 'friend' that may never be paid back. She is lucky that she has parents who are able to help her financially, they seem to have always taken care of her before I can't see that this would be any different. I would be honest and tell her that you don't feel comfortable doing that.


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## Levy & Lany's Mom (Jun 26, 2007)

You seem to be a great person with a generous heart.







I would say that you don't really owe them anything. Her parents agreed and accepted to raise you. If it was your foster parents who were in trouble, I'd probably help them out. Since they are financially more than stable I think she should ask her parents. Don't feel guilty, your childhood was hard enough. They have to thank God they have parents who can help. Good Luck and please let us know.


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