# need outsiders viewpoints



## Guest (Aug 6, 2007)

Ok I know there are a lot of people from all walks of life on here so I am asking for your take on this situation.

I am divorced over a year (was married for 24years) and I have met a gentleman and I have been living with him for the past six months. His wife died 7 years ago and was very ill for 4 years before she died and he has been having an intimate relationship with a married woman for the past 10 years along with dating several women. Another factor is that he is an only child and has no children and parents are gone so no family. She has been his family for the past 7 years. 

Hence the issue. I thought he had ended the intimate relationship and was just maintaing a long term friendship but have found out that the intimate part has been going on when I was otherwise occuppied. I am very hurt that that part of their friendship has continued and no longer trust that he won't go astray with her again. He doesn't feel she counts since they have been friends for so long but I do. We have obviously very different views with intimacy and what counts. I thought we had an agreeement that there wouldn't be any other intimate partners while we were living together. As I said he says she didn't count. Im I naive from being out of the dating community. I have never lbeen intimate with anyone other than my Husband until our divorce and we never lived together before marriage. I sometimes feel I may have unrealistic expectations, but I also feel Im worth someone being faithful too. After my divorce I found out my Husband hadn't been faithful and it still hurts to know that I wasn't enough. My BF tells me all men cheat and it's ok but Im not buying that. 

My issue is do I stay with him or move out and move on. I really enjoy his company and we have a great time together, I just know that I can't share and don't know if he can live by my expectations. I find myself not trusting him and looking for clues that they are still meeting and continuing their intimate friendship. I also found out she had been in his house and going through my things which really bothers me a lot. He has changed the locks but I still don't trust that she won't get a key from him. Im I inmature in my thougths on how a realtionship should be between two unmarried adults and need to adjust my thinking. Or is it just that our values are different and I need to find someone that has values more in line with mine. He tells me his wife knew of this person and they had an arrangement that it wasn't a problem. I find it hard to understand how you could accept this type of arrangment but Im sure it happens all the time. Just looking for opinions and experiences. Thanks A Million


----------



## k/c mom (Oct 9, 2004)

Whoa!!! I don't have time to write all I would like to but just want to say: YOU CAN DO MUCH BETTER!!! HE IS A TOTAL JERK.


----------



## beckybc03 (Jul 6, 2006)

I would have to agree, I certainly wouldn't put up with this!! I know that it is easier said than done to get out of a bad relationship but you definitely deserve better than this guy! :grouphug: :grouphug:


----------



## casa verde maltese (Apr 7, 2007)

you are worth a one on one intimate relationship; it is not unrealistic to expect one; he wants it all - he is obviously not into monogamy; as they say.. RUN DON"T WALK AWAY - and didn't he have issues with your furbaby as well???


----------



## dolcevita (Aug 3, 2005)

Don't put up with a relationship that you're uncomfortable with. You absolutely deserve someone who will be faithful to you and who you can trust. It doesn't sound like he can change or is willing to. Just because his wife put up with it doesn't mean you have to.


----------



## Cosy (Feb 9, 2006)

You're very lucky to have only been with him for 6 months. Sometimes after a divorce we find ourselves in a relationship we wouldn't be in at a later date. That's why it's called a rebound.
Take it for what it was/is and move on. Life is too short to spend much more time on something that is not going in the direction you are. 
If nothing else, consider that it is too dangerous out there to deal with infidelity and not know if you are exposed to disease.


----------



## MissMelanie (Feb 13, 2006)

1) You are worth MORE

2) All men do NOT cheat

3) He's a jerk, trying to have his cake and eat it too

4) LEAVE HIM please

:angry: 
Melanie


----------



## Maidto2Maltese (Oct 19, 2004)

I think you already know the answer... how can you be happy with a man you cant trust..and more importantly he is showing you no respect. If you don't have that the rest means nothing. It will a point of contention 'forever'.
He's giving you a line of 'bull' and trying to make you believe you are the one in 'error' by not being 'open-minded'. 
As other said..RUN!! don't walk from this relationship. As long as you are with this jerk you're missing opportunities of meeting someone who will love, respect and treat you properly.
Don't 'settle"... you deserve better than that!


----------



## carrie (Aug 24, 2004)

> My BF tells me all men cheat and it's ok[/B]


noooo, it's *not* ok. he just wants you to be ok with it, and you shouldn't. women still expect to be treated with respect, that has not changed. i think your time with this so called gentleman has come to it's conclusion, you can do much better than what he has to offer. 

:grouphug:


----------



## Lacie's Mom (Oct 11, 2006)

He is 100% JERK -- and you deserve 100% BETTER.

DUMP HIM ASAP!!!!!!!


----------



## KandiMaltese (Mar 27, 2007)

When I was first reading this I was thinking, wow so he was out dating and having intimacy while his wife was ill at home..not cool.

I must agree with what Melanie wrote, leave him he is a jerk and not all men cheat. My man certainly doesn't!!


----------



## lillady (Jan 25, 2007)

I agree-he's just telling you all men cheat so it's ok for him to. Leave him, leave him, leave him! Why even put your heart in a situation like that? You deserve and trust me, can do soooo much better  
There truly are many fish in the sea and you need to throw this one back and let the sharks get him! That's an awful way to treat a person!! :huh: 



> > index.php?act=findpost&pid=416900
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## momtoboo (Jan 30, 2006)

You need to leave the jerk, he has little to offer you but misery. He is not trustworthy,never has been & never will be.He's a player & has no respect for women or their feelings. There are better men than him around. He may be a fine date, but he's definitely not suitable for marriage or a monogamous relationship. JMHO


----------



## Laceys mom (Nov 12, 2004)

Leave. Don't stay. You can do better. I know this is easier said than done, but you know what he expects and you know what you want. He can't give it to you.


----------



## starry (Sep 4, 2006)

uuuhhh, can you say "Playerrr"!!!!! :eusa_hand:


----------



## pompomsmom (Jan 8, 2006)

DO NOT STAY WITH HIM!!! I am going through divorce because my husband cheated with an ex-girlfriend of his. I DID NOT deserve this and neither do you! Get out now while you can, before you get married or before you have kids with him! If that is the way he views a relationship, trust me, he is not going to change. And not every man cheats! My husband used that line on me... I kicked him out. I would much rather be alone than to be with someone who does not respect me or love me. 

Diane and Pompom


----------



## gibbert (Jan 13, 2005)

In addition to what everyone else has mentioned, when he is being intimate with someone behind your back, he is putting you at a MAJOR HEALTH RISK. If that alone is not a blatant sign of the lack of respect he has for you, I don't know what is. This guy is a jerkface...deep down you already know what to do...get outta there! Good luck to you!


----------



## Julie718 (Feb 17, 2006)

I'm with everyone else...he's a jerk! You can do so much better!


----------



## 2maltese4me (May 8, 2006)

> 1) You are worth MORE
> 
> 2) All men do NOT cheat
> 
> ...


DITTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## bbry (Feb 17, 2007)

You are in error when you say you have met a gentleman. There are so many areas of deceit going on here. He was cheating on his ill wife who was also cheating on her husband and now they are cheating on you?? Your judgment must be clouded at this time because if you settle for this relationship you are slamming the door on any possibility of a happy future for yourself. 

Rereading this, it sounds harsh. I don't mean it to be but this is such a dead end street for you.


----------



## bbry (Feb 17, 2007)

Sorry that was not only harsh but unclear. I did not mean to say that his wife was cheating on her husband but that if he is cheating with a married woman there is another spouse that is also being cheated on. 

I just feel like possibly your emotions are in an upheaval because of your divorce and when you are more recovered, you will see that these are not relationships but affairs and if you were upset when your first husband cheated on you, why would you want to put yourself through that again?


----------



## May468 (Dec 5, 2006)

For you ask this question, says you aren't buying his line of crap.

Not all men cheat. Mine hasn't, been married 22 years.

This guy is horrible, cheated on his late Wife. ???Before she died?!!!? *What a Jerk.*
Sounds like he is selfish and isn't going to allow anything to upset "his" good time.

This person is from the lowest form of the human species.
That other women is married!?! What about her values.
Going through your things.. Ah, just that would be enough for me.

Find a person is in line with your own values.
Women have always set the tone, if we didn't Men would be less than Animals.

Look back through history.. Boom Towns, Gold rushes.. 
They always ended up transporting Women of *Quality* in.


----------



## I found nemo (Feb 23, 2006)

Im sorry this is happening to you.I have to say by your post I know your doubting the relationship so I think you have your answer. Im sorry but I don't think there is anything else in life that would break my heart like this would. Once the trust is gone there is nothing more at least that is how I see it.
Your your own best friend you know how much your heart can take and im sure the divorce was terrible for you. 24 years is a long time and I think your great for wanting happiness again and brave! I always say if I got divorced I would just be alone I dont think I could fall in love again  
Listen to your heart and whats it's telling you, you deserve happiness and peace in your life this man doesnt sound like he can give you this. Be good to you , do your self a favor kick him straight into lake stupid :w00t: :biggrin: 
I wish you nothing but the best in life..
ANDREA :grouphug:


----------



## Krystal (Feb 3, 2007)

LEAVE HIM!!! I ditto what everyone else says!! You deserve better!


----------



## thefab5 (Feb 1, 2007)

Once a cheater always a cheater!

Leave on your terms not his. 

AND NO, not all men cheat, he must think you are stupid if you WERE TOO believe that line! We all ready know where he keeps his brains.

Please, Don't doubt your self and your gut instinct.......you are smart woman for questioning him.......he just thinks he is smarter. 


:chili: I am so glad you have reached out! I will be saying my prayers for you!

NANCY


----------



## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

:HistericalSmiley: is he a polygamist that he needs two women ? :HistericalSmiley: he should be ashamed for the way he treats you.


----------



## Scoobydoo (May 26, 2005)

I have to agree with all that has already been said, you need to move out of there asap, you deserve much much better, he is a total jerk :angry: This relationship is going to make you ill from suspicion, because you know you cannot trust him at all.
You are not behind the times in any way to want a man who loves and wants to be with you and only you, that is what a good loving relationship is, total devotion and respect for one another, don't accept any less from any man you want to spend the rest of your life with.
I am so sorry you are in this situation and I pray you find the right person for you real soon :grouphug:


----------



## TheButtercup (Mar 3, 2005)

move out and move on. he is counting on chipping away at your self respect and self worth by telling you that all men cheat and basically saying "if you know NOW that all men cheat...then you can settle for me and not have to be bothered with looking for another 'better' man that will inevitably cheat on you!" and for that...he's crazy.

you deserve better and you'll find it!!!!!! :thumbsup:


----------



## camfan (Oct 30, 2006)

> 1) You are worth MORE
> 
> 2) All men do NOT cheat
> 
> ...


I agree 110%!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so sorry ou are going through this. And I will add:

5) Please think about going into some counseling--I think you really need a self-esteem boost. And I do NOT say that condesendingly. I was in the same boat once and once I learned all about how much I was worth, it wouldn't even cross my mind to do anything BUT kick that nasty, nasty man to the curb. Hoping for much better days for you--you most definitely deserve better.


----------



## thelittlepet (Apr 18, 2006)

I agree with all the ladies so far and want to add, real men do not cheat. My husband would not dream of breaking our vows as he has too much respect for me and for himself. 
Aimee


----------



## Max & Rocky (May 20, 2004)

From a male POV and someone who themselves went through a "rebound relationship" 12 years ago, I'd like to echo what everyone else here is saying. Run, don't walk...


Socializing and meeting new people has never been easy for me and the feelings of loneliness can drive one to make very bad decisions. Or at least it did for me...

After I was divorced 13 years ago, I very quickly got myself into a rebound relationship with a women... To her credit, she did not cheat in the way one might expect ... (given this thread). She did cheat however in other ways... She got herself involved in a scam that was defrauding people from their money...after she herself got scammed by the same person. What she was doing bothered her... but she convinced herself that she was just trying to get some of the money back which she had lost... . It was a really bad scam and I had told her so from the start and I think there was some element of her wanting to prove to me I was wrong. It took a realization on my part that a significant percentage of ones siblings were in prison (or should have been) to cause me to realize her view of honesty was a little different than mine...

The really wonderful part of this miserable story is that me finally wising up allowed me to later meet the most wonderful lady in the world, who is now my wife. :biggrin: :wub:


----------



## The A Team (Dec 1, 2005)

Well, I guess you don't need my two cents worth of advice.....as you've already heard it.

It's unamimous, you've got to get away from this man now, before he brain-washes you any further.

Why would you settle for half a man? You deserve better, and you will find him, but not until you're free to, after all you're not a cheater.


----------



## Guest (Aug 7, 2007)

Thank you all for your kind words and wisdom. I know in my heart what I need to do it is just difficult to end another relationship. I find myself wondering how I choose so unwisely. My husband I can undestand I was too young to make the type of commitment I made. at 17 you don't know what you want for the rest of your life and I expect a lot of us make mistakes or just outgrow each other. This time I don't have an excuse. At 46 I should know better but I have been doubting myself since all I have ever known in a relationship is how to be a wife. I started looking for apartments today and as soon as I have someplace Im going to have a talk with him and let him know I can't do this on his terms. I have been to counseling during my divorce but maybe I need a visit back to reground myself. It is sad because in most all other ways he is wonderful but our values in a commited relationship are not even close. Now I just have to find a nice place to live that is within my budget thankfully I have a great job, If only I didn't have a child in college it would be a simple move out tomorrow. I guess it's to the classifieds and another move. You are all so wonderful and a great source of support. Thanks a bunch!


----------



## Princess D (May 16, 2007)

I am so sorry that you are going through this, it really stinks! Not all men cheat. My husband does not cheat and I am able to trust him. I would not put up with anyone who wanted to have intimate realtionships with other women, that isn't fair to you. Do what you feel is right for you. Maybe you should move on and remain friends, but I would not be intimate with someone who would not committ, especially with all of the potential for life threatening illness he could contract.


----------



## Elly B. (Oct 27, 2006)

Betrayal of anyone's trust isn't something I would participate in, and knowing about an affair and continuing to associate with the perpetrators of it condones it to a certain extent.

From a more practical standpoint, it's ridiculous from a health perspective to be anything but monogamous in this day and age. HPV and other VERY COMMON STDs are nothing to be trifled with. I would never in a thousand years share my bed with a participant in casual sex like that. Being promiscuous is a very dangerous habit, and I wouldn't risk my health for someone else's dangerous habit.

Also in my experience (not my personal experience, thank God), people who would ever cheat in the first place will always have that 'wandering eye'. People who have cheated in the past are simply not to be trusted. I would _like_ to be proven wrong on this count, and I apologize to those it may offend, but that's the brutal truth from where I sit.


----------



## bbry (Feb 17, 2007)

You also owe it to your child to move out now rather it is convenient or not. If your child is a girl, you wouldn't want her in such an unhealthy arrangement & if it is a son, you don't want to show him that that is how men treat their wives. Even if you think you don't deserve any better, surely you realize that your children do,


----------



## bbry (Feb 17, 2007)

Bless your heart. I feel so strongly about this I keep forgetting that you are probably heartbroken, confused and more than a little scared. I know it is so easy for us to give all this wonderful advice when we are not the one having to uproot ourselves and make the sacrifices. 

Please forgive me if I have been insensitive to your feelings. I pray that God will grant you strength and wisdom to follow His leadership in your life.


----------



## coco (Sep 20, 2006)

How much more needs to be said? I agree with most all of the above. Do not lower your standards to this man who treats you this way. NO ONE deserves that. 

I've been married for almost 35 years, and I can tell you that I would never put up with that behavior. I sure wouldn't have to ask people what they think. I don't mean to insult you with that, but I think you knew before you wrote this post. 

Good luck to you. Life is much too short to let a man control your feelings.


----------



## Lacie's Mom (Oct 11, 2006)

Yes - it's hard to leave, but I'm glad that you've made that decision. I think most of us know what rejection and being alone is like. Most of us have gone through it at least once in our lives. I know that you will have sad times, bad times and then more and more good days and good times and you will meet someone who deserves a wonderful person like you.

I'm sending positive thoughts and lots of prayers your way to help you get through this very difficult time. :grouphug:


----------



## Maidto2Maltese (Oct 19, 2004)

I'm so glad you have made your decision to leave this relationship. I'm sure it is a bit scarey since it sounds like you went from your parents home, to marriage at a young age, and to this guy... so you've pretty much always been 'with' someone. 
I think you've never had a chance to see all that you can be... and I'm sure there is a bit of 'insecurity' in being just by yourself... that is understandable . However, I have a feeling.... You might be surprised to see that YOU! are pretty nice 'company' on your own! Once you become assured with that.. then I think it will open a whole world of doors to relationships...and those doors will lead to a better type relationships because you'll find you won't settle for anything less!
The post regarding your daughter/son is very important too... you don't want to send the wrong message. I think this move on in your life will not only be a positive step for you but for your child as well.

Wishing you the very best!!


----------



## MrCuppy (Jun 12, 2007)

I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I'd like to echo what others have said. As I guy, I can honestly say that not all guys cheat. I agree with the others...he wishes to goad you into believing that YOUR values are somehow odd or outdated, but this is not so. Although I am a bit younger, the things that you hope to find in a relationship resonate with me. Wishing to find a partner who treasures you and respects you enough to be faithful is not strange, nor is it something that is age dependent. You deserve this respect (at the very least!) from a guy - everyone in a relationship does. I am glad to hear that you are moving on. Perhaps this guy has some redeeming values (that's open for debate), but it is the core values (honesty and faithfulness, among others) upon which you don't agree. Without accordance on these essential values, any other redeeming values become insignificant. I wish you all the best!


----------

