# Why do friends say hurtful things?



## sassy's mommy (Aug 29, 2005)

We recently had dinner out with friends. During dinner the wife and I were talking, and of course I mostly wanted to talk about Sassy. I said to her that I believe in my heart that Sassy is in heaven. The "friend" immediately said, "well we don't know that." :w00t: So my reply to her was, well we don't know that pets don't go to heaven, and I choose to believe that Sassy is in fact in heaven. So she stops talking to me and joins in the conversation with the men. My question is......when someone knows that you are hurting so bad from losing your beloved pet, why would they say something so hurtful? Even if she doesn't choose to believe the same way as I do, she didn't have to say something hurtful. I am thinking the term "friend" may be used loosely from here on out. Friends are supposed to lift each other up, not tear you down.


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## CorkieYorkie (Apr 10, 2012)

What a jerk. Clearly she is missing the sensitivity gene. What a heartless thing to say.


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## Maglily (Feb 3, 2009)

If it is something you want to bring up again, you could just ask her but sometimes that may not be worth it. I agree, I think that was awfully rude of her to just stop talking to you and talk to the men regardless of what the topic was.
maybe she has thought about it and realizes she was harsh.


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## shellbeme (Mar 1, 2011)

Look at it this way, one less dinner engagement you have to be troubled with going forward.  Do not stay around people who bring you down.


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## Sylie (Apr 4, 2011)

That is just plain mean. She won't be seeing Sassy in Heaven, because she will not be getting in, at least not this time.


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## pammy4501 (Aug 8, 2007)

She certainly could have been a bit more sensitive. I think if she knew the pain of losing a beloved pet she might have been a bit kinder in her words. But on the other side of the coin, as a person that is not religious, I do not really ever comment on heaven or the other place, as it is not really in my belief system. But I certainly would not argue with someone that believes that their dog is in heaven. I simply would have said, "I can (or can't) imagine the pain you are feeling over losing Sassy. My heart is with you."


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## Deborah (Jan 8, 2006)

She has foot and mouth disease!


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## CorkieYorkie (Apr 10, 2012)

I consider myself atheist/agnostic and I would never say that to someone who had just lost someone, furry or otherwise.


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## Trisha (Aug 8, 2014)

First of all, I just recently joined and I was not aware that you had lost Sassy. I am so very sorry & I know your heart is aching. I recently had a loss as well and I know it takes time to heal. We will always miss them and they will always been in our hearts.

I'm so sorry you had someone say something so hurtful and disrespectful to you about your loss. For it to be a friend is shocking to me. I agree, friends are suppose to lift you up or if they don't agree, it's best to keep their opinions to themselves.

Yes, I do believe Sassy & my Roxy are in heaven, without any doubt. Without getting into long story or details, I went through a very traumatic situation years ago, a life and death situation. During those moments I thought I was about to die, as I was praying, my Sheltie, named Brandy who had passed, seemed to appear or let's say I had this feeling she was there with me. To this day, I believe she was there protecting me. I don't care if anyone believes it or not, but I know what I experienced so it's real to me. 
I have never told that story to anyone but my husband after it happened, fear that I would get some reaction or have someone give me their opinion on how that sounds silly or whatever.

Please know not everyone is like your friend and I'm sorry that they couldn't have been more sympathetic to you and your pain at this time. Hugs!


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## pippersmom (May 21, 2012)

I am so sorry that your "friend" is so insensitive to the hurt and sadness you are feeling. I truly believe that Sassy is now your guardian angel watching over you.


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## Snuggle's Mom (Jan 3, 2008)

I am so truly sorry that you had to go through that with a so called "friend" who, after reading your post appears to be so very insensitive and hurtful. Personally speaking, I would stay away from her for a while if possible. And I certainly do believe that Dogs and Cats do go to Heaven and I am looking forward to see all of our who have gone before us when I get there someday.


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## mdbflorida (Feb 28, 2013)

I agree. I would not define her as a friend. If she didn't believe it she could have at least remained quiet and just let you talk. She had to know you were still hurting. You are nicer than me I might have said well we know you won't be going to heaven because you say mean things.


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## Furbabies mom (Jul 25, 2011)

Apparently your (I'll call her your ex friend) has never lost a pet. Losing a pet is like losing a family member. I truly believe that we'll meet our pets again one day. I shoukd have a "pack" waiting for me! 
Your friend was rude. No call for that at all!


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## wkomorow (Aug 26, 2011)

So sorry, I am positive that Sassy's soul is waiting to greet you when you complete your journey. Love does not know any earthly bound.


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## Chardy (Oct 30, 2008)

"If there aren't any dogs in heaven, then I want to go where they went" ~Will Rodgers

Pat, no matter what your faith is a friend is someone that knows the right things to say when you are mourning whether they can understand it or not. Words of comfort are not that difficult to find if you are a kind gentle person.

There was the cutest little cartoon on Facebook a couple weeks ago. I will look for it and send it to you. It will make you smile!:wub::wub:


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## SammieMom (Nov 13, 2010)

wkomorow said:


> So sorry, I am positive that Sassy's soul is waiting to greet you when you complete your journey. Love does not know any earthly bound.


Love this Walter .....:heart: I am so sorry Pat. You know the truth in your heart, so hang in there sweetie.


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

There are friends.. and friends. Real friends are a rarity. A real friend would not have said this to you. :grouphug:


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

wkomorow said:


> So sorry, I am positive that Sassy's soul is waiting to greet you when you complete your journey. Love does not know any earthly bound.


Love this too.


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## Snowbody (Jan 3, 2009)

Pat, I would un-friend her in real life, (not just FB. Don't even know if she's on FB.) But who does that when they know someone is hurting? Stay away from the negative and go to the positive. No matter what your religious beliefs it's not the time or place to call out another one on their beliefs. You don't need someone in your life who is hurtful especially now. I'm so sorry for her insensitivity/stupidity/callousness....you name it. :angry:


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## sassy's mommy (Aug 29, 2005)

This person's husband is my husband's friend from way back. So she is just a friend because of her husband. Hope that makes sense. Me....I am just along for dinner :HistericalSmiley: The thing that surprised me is that she is Christian. I understand that the bible is not specific about whether or not animals have eternal souls, but it does not say they do not. So if I choose to believe my Sassy is in heaven she could have said any number of things instead of being hurtful and rude. I know she has never been close to a pet so she doesn't get it.


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## Lou's Mom (Apr 8, 2014)

I'm sorry she was so insensitive. I do believe they are there waiting for us. Some people open their mouth and crap comes out before they engage their brains. I'm hoping she realizes how insensitive she was and apologizes for hurting you - whether or not she believes it or not is irrelevant, she should have been supportive.


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## Matilda's mommy (Jun 1, 2005)

Trisha said:


> First of all, I just recently joined and I was not aware that you had lost Sassy. I am so very sorry & I know your heart is aching. I recently had a loss as well and I know it takes time to heal. We will always miss them and they will always been in our hearts.
> 
> I'm so sorry you had someone say something so hurtful and disrespectful to you about your loss. For it to be a friend is shocking to me. I agree, friends are suppose to lift you up or if they don't agree, it's best to keep their opinions to themselves.
> 
> ...


 
what a wonderful story, I do believe Brandy was there with you, God loves us so much why wouldn't he have Brandy there




wkomorow said:


> So sorry, I am positive that Sassy's soul is waiting to greet you when you complete your journey. Love does not know any earthly bound.


 
Walter that is beautiful, Love does not know any earthy bound


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## Matilda's mommy (Jun 1, 2005)

Oh Pat, I read this and shook my head, I had something like that happen to me a few years ago, she was a close friend of mine, she actually tried to embarrass me in front of three women we were talking to, I stayed my distance from her for months, she knew very well she overstepped her boundary. Funny thing is a couple years later guess who she wanted there when her fluff went to Rainbow Bridge, yup me, I told her again I believed our fluffs were in heaven this time she apologized and said she now believed.



I. Read this earlier and found a couple scriptures
Matthew 10-29-31
Job 12-7-10 

The scripture says he knows about birds that fall to the ground too, God does care about animals. God's hand is in the life of every thing that has ever taken a breath.
Yes animals do go to heaven, my Bible is the New American Standard and it reads in 
1st Corinthians 15:44
It is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body,
If there is a natural body there is also a spiritual body.

So animals do have a natural body, so they must have a spiritual body. Which means they do exist after death.

Those who don't believe will most likely never believe, but we know in our spirit and heart there is a place set aside in Heaven for our loved pets, Sassy and Miss Bow and all our other babies are running free with new bodies just waiting for us, no one will EVER convince me different.
I can't wait for that day when we see face to face.
I love you dear friend:wub:


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## sherry (Jan 4, 2013)

:goodpost:


Sylie said:


> That is just plain mean. She won't be seeing Sassy in Heaven, because she will not be getting in, at least not this time.


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## CorkieYorkie (Apr 10, 2012)

Trisha said:


> Yes, I do believe Sassy & my Roxy are in heaven, without any doubt. Without getting into long story or details, I went through a very traumatic situation years ago, a life and death situation. During those moments I thought I was about to die, as I was praying, my Sheltie, named Brandy who had passed, seemed to appear or let's say I had this feeling she was there with me. To this day, I believe she was there protecting me. I don't care if anyone believes it or not, but I know what I experienced so it's real to me.
> I have never told that story to anyone but my husband after it happened, fear that I would get some reaction or have someone give me their opinion on how that sounds silly or whatever.
> 
> Please know not everyone is like your friend and I'm sorry that they couldn't have been more sympathetic to you and your pain at this time. Hugs!



What a beautiful story... That is so comforting to me. Honestly, not a person of faith, but the hope that our furry friends who have passed are watching over us and waiting for us on the other side... It makes me feel so so much better..


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## Trisha (Aug 8, 2014)

Wow...just let me say I read each and every one of the comments to you Pat and I'm sure you can agree you are among friends here. They were all so compassionate, understanding & caring. Unlike that person. You know what you feel in your heart and I just read the quote last week that Chardy (Carol) sited, " If there are no dogs in heaven, then I want to go where they went." ~ Will Rogers. That says it all.


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## maggieh (Dec 16, 2007)

I'm so sorry you had to hear that. I have two reactions - first, sometimes people who believe strongly in something (like religion) aren't very tolerant of people who don't share their thoughts. Second, is that when someone is hurting, people are uncomfortable and just blurt out the most insensitive things withough realizing what they are saying.

Either way, surround yourself with those who understand your pain and who know that our fur-angels are watching over us.


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## lynda (Oct 11, 2005)

Pat, all I can say is "shame on your friend". I am sending you hugs:grouphug::grouphug: cause I know how you feel. I have felt that pain. I promise you in time your heart will heal.


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## CloudClan (Jan 31, 2007)

sassy's mommy said:


> This person's husband is my husband's friend from way back. So she is just a friend because of her husband. Hope that makes sense. Me....I am just along for dinner :HistericalSmiley: The thing that surprised me is that she is Christian. I understand that the bible is not specific about whether or not animals have eternal souls, but it does not say they do not. So if I choose to believe my Sassy is in heaven she could have said any number of things instead of being hurtful and rude. I know she has never been close to a pet so she doesn't get it.


I am very sorry she was hurtful to you at a time like this. But I kind of expected that she was Christian when you said that she had said this. Sadly, there are many Christians who have been raised to believe only very few individuals will get to heaven. (Of course this is not just a Christian belief, it is in other faiths as well). These people can be shockingly hurtful because their own beliefs are so entrenched. I have known people who have said to hurting family members that their relative would not be in heaven because they were not of the same sect. For sure, these same people might say it about unbelievers or people they consider sinners like those who took their own life. I grew up Catholic and our Priest used to preach that pets did not go to heaven. I remember him saying this from the alter during a sermon as a child. I found this shocking and sad, thankfully my mother was quick to reassure me that these were his beliefs not something she or others of the faith shared. 

In any regard, it sounds like she is not a true friend and clearly has beliefs that are intolerant. But it seems clear to me that she will never know the joy of a spiritual bond with a pet like the one you had with Sassy if she does not see them as having spiritual souls. That profoundly sad for her. As my mom would say, pray for her. rayer: 

I know your heart is hurting, but please do not let someone like this get inside your head now. You can be reassured by your own connection to Sassy and how powerful and spiritual it was. :heart:


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## Mommy2Laci (Nov 19, 2013)

I am thinking two things:

1. Does she have or have had a pet? If not, she may not be able to understand your loss. I know for myself, I couldn't understand the relationship between a pet and the owner until I had one myself. I am very guilty of not being very understanding of friends who would spend a lot of money caring for a sick pet or missing work to take care of a pet or grieve the loss. NOW, I completely understand after having a fury baby myself. I always liked animals before, but I didn't get it then. It's kind of like when people are judging a mom for a crying baby in a restaurant or a child undergoing a complete meltdown, needing to change your schedule because of nap time, or running on the beach in socks! You don't get it until you have been there yourself. Ignorance is bliss right?

2. I think sometimes people are uncomfortable with death in general regardless of it being a pet. And they may say insensitive remarks. When one of my twins' fish died, they were around 8 years old. They were hysterical. I was besides myself with these two crying children and really rather unsympathetic. I thought, it's just a fish! What I didn't realize at the time was it was a fish who died and wasn't coming back. 

There is no excuse for what your friend said, but you may want to take it with a grain of salt and let it go considering your husbands are friends. If you are still upset, and can't then I would just let her know that it really upset you and hopefully she will respond a bit more positively.


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## Snowball Pie's Mommi (Oct 16, 2008)

I don't believe that true friends intentionally hurt one another. This "friend" sounds insensitive. I think your response back to her was perfect. I'm thinking she changed the subject and went on to talk with someone else ... simply because she wasn't expecting you to respond to her hurtful words. So, I say ... Good for you, Pat!

I believe 100% that we will be reunited with those we love ... including our fluff babies. And, I also believe that our fluff babies are angels, who are/or were here ... to teach us important lessons in life. 

So, Pat, I hope you find comfort in knowing it was about the other woman ... and, not you. 

Please know that you and your angel in Heaven, Sassy ... remain in my thoughts and prayers every single day. 

Sending you love and comforting hugs.


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## MalteseObsessed (Mar 7, 2010)

Pat ~~ I am so sorry. This world is sad when 'friends' cause so much pain. I love Jesus and Love the Lord with all my heart and soul. My hubby and I often share our thoughts on Heaven, both the Heaven here on Earth as well as the eternal Heaven.

He and my daughter are the theological bible nerds in our home and they shared similar scriptures of how our God loves every living creature that HE has created.

Pat ~~ I believe you will see Sassy in Heaven. Sassy's heart and soul is also with you now and forever. I have suffered great loss as well in my life and there is no heartless soul that can tell me that my loved ones are not close to me now nor will we ever be apart in Heaven.

Hugs to you Pat! What a blessing Sassy is to you as well as to all of us here in your SM family!
:grouphug:


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## Ahag (Aug 28, 2013)

A couple of quotes perfect for this! 
"Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes!"*~ Theophile Gautier
"You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us"*~ Robert Louis Stevenson
"If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans"*~ James Herrio


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## Alexa (Aug 6, 2009)

In very hard times it mostly shows who your real friends are and whom not.

Often that is difficult, sad and disappointing to experience but on the other hand also a chance for the future!

I had to learn that for many people dogs are only animals, they can't understand how close our babies are to us. May be because they never have owned one or will! But they never will get in the enjoyment of unconditional love and deep affection of them. 

It's always hard and sad to find out, I have made several disappointing experiences like yours - one time I remember - very hurtful to me and my girl. 

Pat, don't be too sad about it, it will make you stronger! 

Alexandra :wub:


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## sassy's mommy (Aug 29, 2005)

Thank you everyone for your kind responses. I am christian and I know that there is a lot that we don't understand about death and eternity. But I know that god loves the animals, and he knows when a little bird falls; therefore, I know he loves Sassy and I know that she is now in heaven.


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## eiksaa (Jun 8, 2012)

Snowbody said:


> Pat, I would un-friend her in real life, (not just FB. Don't even know if she's on FB.) But who does that when they know someone is hurting? Stay away from the negative and go to the positive. No matter what your religious beliefs it's not the time or place to call out another one on their beliefs. You don't need someone in your life who is hurtful especially now. I'm so sorry for her insensitivity/stupidity/callousness....you name it. :angry:



Totally agree. I personally don't believe in heaven but I would've been supportive in a situation like this. When a friend is grieving, probably not a good time to start a religious debate. 

I'm glad she moved away from the conversation at that point. That's much preferable than had she stayed and continued arguing about this. Clearly she's not a close friend, and looks like her beliefs are strong enough that she won't even consider being polite to a grieving person if that means disagreeing with what she believes in. 


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## maltese manica (Nov 6, 2012)

This lady said it, cus she is not a friend! Friends don't do this to friends! I had two ppl that I thought were friends and it alienated me from several good people here on SM, all cus I thought they were my friends.............................turns out they are my mortal enemies!!!!!!


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## donnad (Aug 22, 2006)

Because she is an ass! That is such a mean statement. I believe all of God's creatures go to heaven and that is where your beautiful Sassy is!


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## wolfieinthehouse (Dec 14, 2007)

I don't think she was insensitive or an ass..........I think she simply doesn't believe in afterlife and didn't want to pretend she did....

even for a dear friend.

No one knows what happens after death (I think it is this way for a reason, as all of life and creation is unknown for sure).

I hope you can feel assured that your sweet dog is in heaven anyway!


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## dragonsdawn (Jul 23, 2012)

My friend likes to think her pumpernickel isnt in heaven but is watching after her and her family like he always has. That he only visit heaven to chase a squirrel once in awhile. No matter what anyone else thinks or might say, you know in your heart where sassy is, and that is what matters. Besides it sounds like the friend hasn't found her soul pet yet..when/if she does she will know the truth.


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## Lacie's Mom (Oct 11, 2006)

Pat - I found this out when Jerry passed. Some people I had really considered friends said some very hurtful things without any thought or tract or consideration for my feelings. I don't know if they realized how hurtful they were, or they just didn't think about what they said before saying it. In any event, I really did have to reconsider whether or not they were truly friends, and I realized that some were not truly caring and kind people.

Sorry for your hurt. And I know that Sassy is in Heaven and that she's now your Guardian Angel.


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## sassy's mommy (Aug 29, 2005)

wolfieinthehouse said:


> I don't think she was insensitive or an ass..........I think she simply doesn't believe in afterlife and didn't want to pretend she did....


She believes in the after life, she just doesn't believe animals have an eternal soul.


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## Maglily (Feb 3, 2009)

As we know, friends can be friends and still not have the same beliefs or opinions on any topic, but it's nice when a friend can recognize when the other just wants to express their feelings, without a conversation about what's right or wrong, or an exchange of ideas....it's just simply a means to vent, to get something off their chest and have someone listen basically for comfort. They don't have to agree, just understanding and sharing the loss is appreciated. The listener doesn't have to bring the conversation topic back to themselves and their opinion.


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## njdrake (Apr 23, 2007)

Pat, Ditto on what the others have said. 
Just smile smugly when you think about her comment because you (and I) KNOW they are in heaven waiting for us. All that really matters is what you know in your heart, not whats in hers. 
Hugs my friend :heart::heart:


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## Lou's Mom (Apr 8, 2014)

I don't know - how can you look into their eyes and say they don't have souls? How can they give such unconditional love without souls? I'm baffled by people who see things everyday that question their religious beliefs but refuse to acknowledge them. I choose to believe they will be there waiting...


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## nwyant1946 (Jan 2, 2013)

*Exactly!!! Looking into Mia's eyes is like looking into a world of unconditional love. There is no way she doesn't have a soul...no way!!!! *

*I have read and re-read "A Dog's Purpose" and "A Dog's Journey"....and they are the most beautiful books. They make me feel good.*

*My best friend lost her daughter several years ago and Shawna's Golden Retriever, Bella, came to live with them....Bella died last month while I was over there. She was 13 years old, white around the face...a dignified old lady...so sweet. We think Shawna was there with her at the end. She kept looking up at nothing, but when she took her last breath, she closed her eyes and put her head down and she looked so peaceful. I know Shawna was there to walk across the bridge with her. We know Bella saw her all the time both in the house and out in the yard. She was trained to sit down in front of Shawna and she was always looking at something we didn't see and automatically sitting down...it was so cool to see.*

*But, I know in my heart that Shawna and Bella are together now without a doubt....so I have no worries that all of my previous furry kids will be there for me...no doubt!!!*


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