# Sad..how do I handle this?



## triste (Aug 30, 2004)

My son and his gf have been going out for nearly 3 years. They are on "hiatus" right now and I don't know what to do. She is truly a member of our family and I am sick with heart break. It has something to do w/ his love for Germany and wanting to live there and she is a family gal and he feels it's not fair to her to ask her to live there when he knows she doesnt want to. They have a lot of talking to do and he has plenty of time before his dream is a reality. 

How do you handle a break up like this...as a parent?:smcry:


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## CeeCee's Mom (Sep 14, 2006)

You have to deal with it.........it may break your heart but it is up to them. My daughter was going with a wonderful young man, dated three years and was engaged to him and the wedding was all planned. The invitations had been ordered and she broke it off with him six weeks before the wedding. I loved him like a son but she told me as much as she cared for him, she could not marry him. They both have married other people and live within 5 miles of each other. It took me a long time but I realized that it was her decision and I was the one to deal with it.........She moved on and so did he....Just leave them alone and it will work out for the best. I have such fond memories of him and he treated me and my husband with such respect and love, but it was not meant to be.......:wub:


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## theboyz (Jan 10, 2007)

I agree with Dianne. You cannot make the decision for them. As difficult as it is and breaks your heart....you must let it go.
Hugs for you Mom as I know how you are agonizing over this.


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## uniquelovdolce (Mar 10, 2010)

i agree with the above comments ,.. ultimately its their decision .. just make sure thta if they do decide to break it up that she knows that u care for her regardless of whether she is w him or not.


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## LitGal (May 15, 2007)

They're young and figuring out a lot of stuff about themselves and what they want out of life. As hard as it might be, you need to let them work this out for themselves and make their own decisions.


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## Matilda's mommy (Jun 1, 2005)

I've been there, all you can do is step back and let them figure it out. My son had the most wonderful girlfriend years ago, she was perfect for our family, I loved her like my own, but it didn't work out:blush:


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## pammy4501 (Aug 8, 2007)

Oh I too know all about this one. My daughter dated a lovely guy for a few years. And he bacame almost like a son to us. We were sure they would marry. When they broke it off, we tried to stay friendly with him and allowed him to visit our home. Finally my daughter confessed that this was really hurting her, she felt it was as if we did not trust her judgement. That was the last time we did that. It was hard, but you do just have to back off and let them figure it out, and remember that your child is the most improtant here.


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## Miss_Annie (Mar 3, 2010)

I'm so sorry...  but I agree with the others... 

Let's just hope that she finds an ever better guy that fits into the family just as well.


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## vjw (Dec 20, 2006)

I'm not real sure from which perspective you want advice, but I'll offer a couple of suggestions since I personally went through a similiar breakup with my boyfriend of several years when I was younger. This thread brought up a lot of memories for me.

First and foremost, remember that your son is going through a tough time. Even if both people agree on the split, when you're in a relationship that long, it's still difficult emotionally. If he's a teenager, the emotional difficulty is magnified by hormones. Give your son some extra TLC. Perhaps schedule some special family activities.

Secondly, there's no reason you can't continue your relationship with your son's girlfriend if both of you wish to continue to do so. If you want to, there would be nothing wrong with giving her a call to tell her you're sorry things aren't working out between her and your son. Let her know that you're heartbroken and still care about her. 

With my high school breakup, I didn't care if I ever saw my ex-boyfriend again, but I loved his parents and they loved me. Our families stayed in touch.

Shortly after the breakup between my boyfriend and I, I was selected as a canidate for basketball queen. Even though he had already graduated from high school and was attending college, his mother attended the basketball homecoming game and sat close to the stage. When I was announced basketball queen, she stood up and yelled and clapped with her hands over her head. Anyone who didn't know her would've thought she was my mother. I'll never forget that. I thought it was a class act.

I wish the best for your son and his girlfriend. Who knows, maybe they'll end up together again.



Joy


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## triste (Aug 30, 2004)

It's rough b/c he's in Germany right now and she's here. I begged him to wait until he got home to talk it out. He ended up w/ a "relationship hiatus" until he gets back. 

GF is very lovely and she is still speaking with me. So is her other and I. We care very much about the other's family and I hope that is able to continue even if my son comes back and decides it's permanent. I'm actually taking her to an amusement park tomorrow just to help get her out of the house. She is saying she's happy to get out of the house, I hope we can keep things carefree tomorrow.


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## Rocky's Mom (Apr 10, 2010)

triste said:


> My son and his gf have been going out for nearly 3 years. They are on "hiatus" right now and I don't know what to do. She is truly a member of our family and I am sick with heart break. It has something to do w/ his love for Germany and wanting to live there and she is a family gal and he feels it's not fair to her to ask her to live there when he knows she doesnt want to. They have a lot of talking to do and he has plenty of time before his dream is a reality.
> 
> How do you handle a break up like this...as a parent?:smcry:


I understand how you feel. If you have any contact with his girlfriend while they are working things out be careful not to get involved. I understand you love this girl, but he is your son and your real family and he has to have his time to sort things out between them without any outside influence. Being a parent means having to bite your lip...believe me, I have had to do that many a time and although it is not easy, it paid off because things work out in the end for the best. :hugging:


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## triste (Aug 30, 2004)

Very easy to choose sides when my son doesn't communicate with us, whether he's here or in Germany. He has told us time and again he wants to distance himself from us. He's not the most loving child that a person could have. He's very self centered and honestly hard to like as a person. I try to remain neutral as I can when we speak...to either child.

Our plan is to have a day full of fun w/o mentioning the issue. She's already got enough going on. Our job is to have a great day. She loves my daughters b/c she always wanted sisters...

Edited to add...I DO love him, he's just been a tough child to raise!


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## sheila's malt (Apr 17, 2010)

I have had that happen in our family. My youngest daugther and her boyfriend broke up in college and the mother of the boyfriend about lost it. lol She wanted them to get married so bad and she thought of my daughter like she was her daughter(NOT) lol. She made it a nightmare for my daughter. I would suggest one stay out of it and let them work it out. It only makes matters worse.


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## sheila's malt (Apr 17, 2010)

yikes my grammer. lol


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## camfan (Oct 30, 2006)

*listens in*

it's bittersweet to hear them talking about things that prob won't happen for a LONG time. They just have no perspective of long term at that age. They'll figure it out. I'm sorry for the heartache--that sucks. I know that someday when my girls bring home a lovable soul it will hard for me to not get attached.

Keep us updated!!


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## silverhaven (Sep 6, 2009)

Sounds really tough for you. Hard to remember that the relationship is mainly his, when you get to meet and enjoy the partner. I also think it best to leave well alone though.


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## triste (Aug 30, 2004)

I guess I should have phrased my question differently. I meant..as a person who is a parent...how do I cope? I didn't mean how do I parent my son in this breakup. I have no interest in interfering, I want to know how I'm going to get over losing the girl who has been like a fourth daughter to me for nearly 3 years. 

I have decided to continue talking to her. My son is aware and is fine with it. I am heading to an amusement park close by with two of my daughters who absolutely adore her. 

The gf is really struggling and her mom and I chat via text frequently to make sure she is okay. I'm anxious for my son to return my email to see how he is doing. He doesn't communicate well as it is and having him in another country makes it tough.


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## Kutsmail1 (Dec 26, 2007)

Our daughter put us through the ringer on this too. It is very sad, but ultimately they have to be the ones to live with the choices they make. I really believe that if they really love each other, they will talk it out. It still mgiht not turn into a marriage, but they could be best of friends which means you still get to keep her!

Pushing under stressful circumstances such as them dealing with their emotions right now might have a negative effect on your son.


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## The A Team (Dec 1, 2005)

My daughter has had many "bad choice" boyfriends in he lifetime. And Stan has told her so.....sometimes i wish he'd just shut up. :smilie_tischkante:

But anyway....she is now in a good relationship and lives with a great guy. Stan actually likes him....(praise the lord) :chili:. But no matter what we say, she has to live her life. She's 33 now.....guess it really doesn't matter what I say. I just want her to be happy.

From what I'm reading......you want this "situation" to work. I'm not 100% persuaded that your son is on board with this. I'm with you, my friend....where did we go wrong? or did even have anything to do with us??? I'm guessing I'll never have grand children. ....unless I'm raising them myself. :w00t:

I don't think we can "fix" things now.


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## Katkoota (Feb 18, 2006)

I would say, let *them* figure it out. I can understand how you feel (although i am not a mum yet, but I do have one), but I really think that it is their lives that they will live after whatever decision they will end up making. 

Sometimes, parents think that they know the best for thier children, but when it comes to choosing the partner, it is not the parents who know which person is best for his daughter/son. At the end, it is the daughter/son who will live her/his live with the other partner (not the parents), so it is best for them to make the decision. 

Just my opinion 

wish your son and his girlfriend all the best.

Kat


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## triste (Aug 30, 2004)

again, while I appreciate the advice, I was really looking for how I cope with my own emotions on letting go... when she's been my daughter for 3 years.


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## Katkoota (Feb 18, 2006)

triste said:


> again, while I appreciate the advice, I was really looking for how I cope with my own emotions on letting go... when she's been my daughter for 3 years.


My apologies:grouphug: ...I am just seeing post#17. This is what happens when I check on SM very quick.

edited: if she was so close to the family (other than just being your son's boyfriend), I am sure she will keep in touch..maybe this will help a little. I am sure that it isn't the same, but sure makes a little difference than if she moved on and cut the connection with your family.

awwh I really don't know; sorry no suggestion other than sending you some (((hugs))) 
Kat


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## bentley's Mum (Dec 27, 2007)

triste said:


> again, while I appreciate the advice, I was really looking for how I cope with my own emotions on letting go... when she's been my daughter for 3 years.


Please know that what I am about to say comes from my heart, and your post touched my heart. Eventhough I do not know you very well at all, I would never say anything to anyone that would intentionally hurt their feelings. I say this because i also understand that my response may be direct and not knowing you - I wanted you to understand where my heart is coming from talking to yours...

In my opinion I think the coping comes in with perspective on the situation. For example, She has not been your daughter for 3 years, (she has a Mom) she has been your son's girlfriend for 3 years and while she has been part of the family's life for the time while they were dating. I understand you have become very close with her and that is completly understandable. She has her Mom helping her through this break-up. I think you need to help your Son and that will help you cope with being hurt.

In your previous posts you had said you love your son and he has been a bit to raise etc. I cannot reacall the exact words but I understood it when i read it.... Focus on him and try to understand where he is coming from might be where you need to focus. Someone needs to be there for him, even if he acts like no one needs to be there for him. Not telling you how to parent, or what to do...just saying when you take a step back and look at the picture from another angle, such as making the focus about him and what he is going through to try to understand your son, the perspective changes and feelings change. 

I can tell you are a mom that wants your son to be happy and to do what is best for him. Maybe your Son needs your help in coping and understanding things himself so he can open up and share. Maybe not... but it is an unfortunate situation you are in, and it hurts everyone most of all your son and his ex-girlfriend. Is there a possible way this could bring you and your son closer? Sometimes the saddest things bring people closer than they ever would have been. maybe I am an optimist and I would love something good for you and your son to come from all of this.

Again, I understand you are hurt, and you really cared for her and I am not sure anyone really has an answer to take the hurt away. I do know that when I have been in hurtful/ difficult situations in my life, taking a step back and trying to understand perspectives helps.

Hugs to you and I hope I was able to help and not offend being direct, just trying to offer some comfort.

Hugs to you,
Chelsea


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## triste (Aug 30, 2004)

The thing is, her mom and I are always in contact...b/c the daughter is very open with me and at times she talks more with me. And we both want to make sure the other is okay. There is NOTHING I can do for my son b/c he's in Germany and I am not allowed to contact him. He actually gave his consent for me to talk with her so I know he's okay with it. When he gets home, I'll work on supporting him but for now I'm caught in limbo.


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## Hunter's Mom (Dec 8, 2008)

When I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years I stayed close with is mother and father. I had relied on them quite a bit during college as they were often more avaliable than my own parents. They were upset at their son's decision to end the relationship in the manner that he did (not that he ended it) and wanted to ensure that both of us were ok. His parents came to my awards night at college 4 months later and he and his family came to my graduation. Over time I have had less contact with his parents but we still check in with each other every once in a while. Since my best friend married his (and they were dating when we broke up) the two of us continued to work hard on maintaining a friendship.

I think, as long as you have your son's blessing, you can continue your relationship with her until she decides its time for it to end. Leave the ball in her court (or until your son asks you not to).


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