# Funeral Etiquette / Dress



## Harley & Dakotas Mum (Jun 11, 2005)

I realise that dressing in all black is the general 'rule' when attending a funeral.

If you have black trousers or skirt, but not a black shirt .... what else is acceptable without being totally inappropriate? 

I do have a black shirt, however it is on the 'casual' side of things and not something I feel is formal/respectable enough. It's winter, so I will be wearing a black jacket on top of whatever shirt I end up wearing.

Thanks everyone.


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## lorraine (Jun 24, 2006)

I think all cultures and religions differ in what is correct dress etiquette, Jacqui.

Here we are much more relaxed than in Victorian times, when head-to-toe black was mandatory, and funeral directors recommend wearing the dark(ish) clothes that you feel most comfortable in (within any specific cultural or religious and time of year considerations). At my hubbie's funeral, his brother wore a dark blue suit, white shirt and red tie and his wife wore a very light cream coloured woollen coat with a red rose in her lapel - they looked stylish and terrific and very fitting for a person of my hubbie's personality. All I could come up with was a black trouser suit, white fitted shirt 'n me pearls. :biggrin: 

You could talk to the funeral director or family of the deceased to see if they have any specific dress code wishes.


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## Maidto2Maltese (Oct 19, 2004)

In our area, it is mostly the immediate family that strickly adheres to the wearing of black/dark colored clothing at the funeral. Many attendees will also wear dark clothes but that isn't cut in stone. It's more the style ...meaning something that is 'conservative and respectful that is important.

Your choice of black slacks and jacket seems appropriate.... and I think most any colored top would be suitable since it would be basically an 'accent' color... but I'd simply avoid anything 'flashy' in color and go with white/ecru/pastel etc Of course local custom could make a difference.


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## camfan (Oct 30, 2006)

Personally, I think anything that isn't "flashy" is totally fine. I like to go dark. If you've got a black skirt i'd say just about any shirt w/ a black jacket over it would be appropriate.


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## Harley & Dakotas Mum (Jun 11, 2005)

Thanks ladies. I think I just lost my common sense temporarily, I hope!

David was not a close friend, but a friend from a long time ago. He died tragically at 41 years old. He was skylarking, and fell from a 22nd story balcony. I've had a week to digest this, and I'm sticking with my initial reaction of ... wow, he went out the way he lived. I think he would have been almost offended if he had died in his sleep at a very old age, to him that would be boring. He leaves behind a wife of just 8 months, 2 brothers, and his parents.


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## triste (Aug 30, 2004)

What is skylarking? :huh:


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## Harley & Dakotas Mum (Jun 11, 2005)

QUOTE (Triste @ Jul 30 2009, 11:26 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=811453


> What is skylarking? :huh:[/B]



Skylarking - urban dictionary'

news story


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## LJSquishy (Feb 27, 2008)

I agree with wearing just about any solid color top with the rest of the outfit being black. A darker blue would look nice.


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## Deborah (Jan 8, 2006)

I wore a pretty light colored yellow dress to my uncle's funeral. The funeral was to celebrate his life not be sad. Where I live people wear anything including shorts. :tumbleweed: It isn't a fashion show and the family just plain appreciates your attendance.


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## Toby's Mom (May 7, 2004)

I know you are concerned and want to look appropriate, but just remember that all that really matters is that you pay your respects. Honestly, at my dad's funeral, I couldn't have cared less or even remembered what anyone wore; it just meant a lot to me that people showed up. :grouphug: :grouphug:


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## pammy4501 (Aug 8, 2007)

I attended a funeral recently of a friend that died of breast cancer (long battle)
Her family asked everyone to wear something pink in her honor! I thought it
was such a celebration of her life. All those pink dresses, even the guys were
in the spirit of it. It was kind of uplifting not seeing all black.


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## Hunter's Mom (Dec 8, 2008)

I find that you aren't required to wear black anymore as others have said. The last funeral I went to (my uncles) was in the winter and I wore a dark purple wool skirt, a black sweater set, and a cream colored winter coat. I think I looked respectful and I noticed that others were not all in black but were in formal attire. I really feel that as long as you feel you are dresed properly to pay your respects then you are fine. 

I am really sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, he sounds like he was a lot of fun to spend time with . Many prayers to his family and his newlywed bride.


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## godiva goddess (Nov 19, 2007)

I would wear a all black shift, boat neck dress (covers the knees) to a funeral. close toe black pumps, no colors. I think when one dresses formally, it shows respect. i wouldn't wear colors to anyone's funeral unless the deceased specifically requested. if you dont have a black top then maybe a dark grey top? I would stick to solemn colors. I know modern etiquette seems to like to "bend" the rules when it comes to dressing for certain occasions but I am not sure if that is for the best...might be a slippery slope. i have been many people dress inappropriately for formal occasions like graduations and the opera. It is just disrespectful and reflects poorly. 
when in doubt, formal is the way to go.


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

QUOTE (godiva goddess @ Jul 30 2009, 02:21 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=811623


> I would wear a all black shift, boat neck dress (covers the knees) to a funeral. close toe black pumps, no colors. I think when one dresses formally, it shows respect. i wouldn't wear colors to anyone's funeral unless the deceased specifically requested. if you dont have a black top then maybe a dark grey top? I would stick to solemn colors. I know modern etiquette seems to like to "bend" the rules when it comes to dressing for certain occasions but I am not sure if that is for the best...might be a slippery slope. i have been many people dress inappropriately for formal occasions like graduations and the opera. It is just disrespectful and reflects poorly.
> when in doubt, formal is the way to go.[/B]


 :HistericalSmiley: :HistericalSmiley: Don't come to my funeral. I would hate to see you wearing black because of my passing. Who instituted in the first place that you had to wear black at a funeral ? It used to be too that the widow wears black for 2 years after her husband's death. Men used to wear black bands on their arms over their suit. Times have changed. Only the deeply catholic religious ones still wear black on funerals. My brother in law died last year. Nobody came dressed in black, not even his widow (she is catholic by the way). Of course you dress appropriately like for formal occasions, but it does not have to be black. I would never go to a funeral in shorts. This is something I would regard as disrespectful also. I find it disrespectful to others if somebody shows up in a fine dining restaurant in shorts or jeans. But that's another story. If you have dark colored clothing appropriate for the occasion, go for it and wear it if you like, but don't go out and buy dark clothes just for this one time.


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## godiva goddess (Nov 19, 2007)

QUOTE (MalteseJane @ Jul 30 2009, 08:09 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=811705


> QUOTE (godiva goddess @ Jul 30 2009, 02:21 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=811623





> I would wear a all black shift, boat neck dress (covers the knees) to a funeral. close toe black pumps, no colors. I think when one dresses formally, it shows respect. i wouldn't wear colors to anyone's funeral unless the deceased specifically requested. if you dont have a black top then maybe a dark grey top? I would stick to solemn colors. I know modern etiquette seems to like to "bend" the rules when it comes to dressing for certain occasions but I am not sure if that is for the best...might be a slippery slope. i have been many people dress inappropriately for formal occasions like graduations and the opera. It is just disrespectful and reflects poorly.
> when in doubt, formal is the way to go.[/B]


 :HistericalSmiley: :HistericalSmiley: Don't come to my funeral. I would hate to see you wearing black because of my passing. Who instituted in the first place that you had to wear black at a funeral ? It used to be too that the widow wears black for 2 years after her husband's death. Men used to wear black bands on their arms over their suit. Times have changed. Only the deeply catholic religious ones still wear black on funerals. My brother in law died last year. Nobody came dressed in black, not even his widow (she is catholic by the way). Of course you dress appropriately like for formal occasions, but it does not have to be black. I would never go to a funeral in shorts. This is something I would regard as disrespectful also. I find it disrespectful to others if somebody shows up in a fine dining restaurant in shorts or jeans. But that's another story. If you have dark colored clothing appropriate for the occasion, go for it and wear it if you like, but don't go out and buy dark clothes just for this one time.



[/B][/QUOTE]

Lol!! To each's own! And don't worry I won't intrude. Lol, I never go anywhere uninvited. 

I have never seen anyone wear color at a funeral in New York, but I'm sure we run in different social circles. If your group is fine with colors and other acceptable attire for funeral then that's totally OK. Who am I to judge your standards?

PS- people say "times change" as if its the catch all explanation/justification for "attire." funny because I believe I am among the younger SMers on here and I worked in fashion since I was 16. I think I have pretty good grasp of "attires" for the modern women. Yet, I think when it comes to "fashion" the more times change, the more they stay the same. lol.


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## mi_ku_5 (Jun 2, 2008)

As long as you dress nicely, I don't think it matters. I've seen people wear ratty t-shirts, sweatpants and stripperwear to funerals, so black slacks and dress shirt should be fine.


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## princessre (Dec 23, 2008)

QUOTE (godiva goddess @ Jul 30 2009, 08:23 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=811711


> QUOTE (MalteseJane @ Jul 30 2009, 08:09 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=811705





> QUOTE (godiva goddess @ Jul 30 2009, 02:21 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=811623





> I would wear a all black shift, boat neck dress (covers the knees) to a funeral. close toe black pumps, no colors. I think when one dresses formally, it shows respect. i wouldn't wear colors to anyone's funeral unless the deceased specifically requested. if you dont have a black top then maybe a dark grey top? I would stick to solemn colors. I know modern etiquette seems to like to "bend" the rules when it comes to dressing for certain occasions but I am not sure if that is for the best...might be a slippery slope. i have been many people dress inappropriately for formal occasions like graduations and the opera. It is just disrespectful and reflects poorly.
> when in doubt, formal is the way to go.[/B]


 :HistericalSmiley: :HistericalSmiley: Don't come to my funeral. I would hate to see you wearing black because of my passing. Who instituted in the first place that you had to wear black at a funeral ? It used to be too that the widow wears black for 2 years after her husband's death. Men used to wear black bands on their arms over their suit. Times have changed. Only the deeply catholic religious ones still wear black on funerals. My brother in law died last year. Nobody came dressed in black, not even his widow (she is catholic by the way). Of course you dress appropriately like for formal occasions, but it does not have to be black. I would never go to a funeral in shorts. This is something I would regard as disrespectful also. I find it disrespectful to others if somebody shows up in a fine dining restaurant in shorts or jeans. But that's another story. If you have dark colored clothing appropriate for the occasion, go for it and wear it if you like, but don't go out and buy dark clothes just for this one time.



[/B][/QUOTE]

Lol!! To each's own! And don't worry I won't intrude. Lol, I never go anywhere uninvited. 

I have never seen anyone wear color at a funeral in New York, but I'm sure we run in different social circles. If your group is fine with colors and other acceptable attire for funeral then that's totally OK. Who am I to judge your standards?

PS- people say "times change" as if its the catch all explanation/justification for "attire." funny because I believe I am among the younger SMers on here and I worked in fashion since I was 16. I think I have pretty good grasp of "attires" for the modern women. Yet, I think when it comes to "fashion" the more times change, the more they stay the same. lol.
[/B][/QUOTE]

When I saw all black shift, boatneck dress, down to the knee, closed toe pump, no colors, I thought of course Alice has described THE MOST appropriate, THE MOST graceful and respectful attire for a funeral. Most people I know do not consider it a chore to own more dark colored clothing, least of all, a very classic boatneck shift. A black shift down to the knee is perfect for so many beautiful occasions in life, as well as a very sad one such as a funeral. I think what Alice is trying to say, as well, is that a funeral is not a place where you want to take chances. You want to play it safe in terms of being respectful and not sticking out. No one wants to get there and feel self-conscious and embarrassed that they wore a cotton voile blue sundress that was not quite dark enough when everyone else is in a wool gabardine black shift with pearls. I'm in my 30's and not quite as young as Alice, but I personally would also not wear anything but black formal to a funeral. Times change and circles are different, but I do find it hard to believe that wearing a classic, dressy black ensemble could be faulted as being disrespectful at a funeral; whereas I think the opposite could be quite true.


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## MaryH (Mar 7, 2006)

QUOTE (MalteseJane @ Jul 30 2009, 08:09 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=811705


> Only the deeply catholic religious ones still wear black on funerals. My brother in law died last year. Nobody came dressed in black, not even his widow (she is catholic by the way). Of course you dress appropriately like for formal occasions, but it does not have to be black. I would never go to a funeral in shorts. This is something I would regard as disrespectful also. I find it disrespectful to others if somebody shows up in a fine dining restaurant in shorts or jeans. But that's another story. If you have dark colored clothing appropriate for the occasion, go for it and wear it if you like, but don't go out and buy dark clothes just for this one time.[/B]


I'm Catholic (raised conservative Boston Irish Catholic) and we gave up on black back when I was a child. The last funeral I attended where black attire was the predominant choice was at my grandfather's funeral in 1963. When my dad passed away 15 years ago my mom, sister and I all wore very nice classic conservative dresses, none in black. And, honestly, I couldn't tell you what others wore. It was of great comfort to be surrounded by family and friends, no matter what they wore. Whenever I attend a religious service (no matter what religion) I do not wear jeans or shorts but instead dress appropriately for the season and occasion, usually a dress, suit, or skirt and sweater set.

MaryH


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## Deborah (Jan 8, 2006)

Oh my goodness you all better not come to Arizona. I have rarely seen anyone dressed formally. Here it is anything goes. I guess you could say we have a very laid back life style.:tumbleweed: :tumbleweed: :tumbleweed: :tumbleweed: :tumbleweed: :tumbleweed:


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

QUOTE (Deborah @ Jul 30 2009, 08:51 PM) index.php?act=findpost&pid=811827


> Oh my goodness you all better not come to Arizona. I have rarely seen anyone dressed formally. Here it is anything goes. I guess you could say we have a very laid back life style. :tumbleweed: :tumbleweed: :tumbleweed: :tumbleweed: :tumbleweed: :tumbleweed:[/B]


 :HistericalSmiley: :HistericalSmiley: I am in Arizona, but believe me, you won't see me at a funeral dressed in shorts or jeans. And hopefully I won't have to go to one. On another note, in our culture, we look at a funeral as a sad event (thus the color black) when in effect it should be a celebration. Dying is only a transition from this world to another world. When we die here on earth, we are reborn on the other side. Those who die are finally going home.


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## Harley & Dakotas Mum (Jun 11, 2005)

Thanks everyone for your input. 

I went conservative, and respectful - black trousers, a black & grey fine pin-stripe shirt with a black jacket. I'm glad I did. There was very little colour at all, in fact, I could count on one hand the people who wore a colour - and I'm guessing there were close to 400 people there.


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## Kutsmail1 (Dec 26, 2007)

As long as the attire isn't flashy, it is fine. I have seen people come to the service in jeans. Sometimes a person has to wear what they have. As long as the attire is clean and neat, and not flashy, personally I would not be offended.


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