# Jealous husband.



## geslabon (Mar 3, 2008)

I'm so sick and tired of my husband accusing me of cheating. He's been calling me really bad names and it hurts so much to think about the fact that I'm a mother of his 4 kids. I have no life but from work then go straight home.

He always seems to find away to accuse me one good example is my old victoria secrete bra.. it's suppose to be hand wash but unfortunately my mom washed it and it messed up the strap. I had mention it to him that I didn't like Victoria Secrete anymore because of that. He forgot about it and have no clue that I even said that. I still worn them until the strap totally broke so it looked like someone rip it out of me and that's what he's accusing me about. I could have just hide it or throw it away and get the same exact bra if I was lying or hiding anything from him but I just left it there thinking maybe my Dad can fix it.. he's a handy man btw. Anyway, I'm really dying deep in side.. Makes me cry just to think about it.. even thought about leaving or hurting my self. 

I love my kids so much and I just want the best for them. I'm just taking all the pain and trying to forget this problem. 
I just don't understand.. he's the one who drives 4 hours to go to casino and gamble our money where I'm home with the kids.
This is my secrete. Thank you for listening.


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## jazak (Feb 12, 2008)

Definately sounds like some major trust issues. Have you done any marriage counceling?


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## sophie (Jul 9, 2006)

I'd definitely see about counseling - you don't have to take s**t from anyone - not even a husband!! But, I would seriously look into talking to a professional - perhaps a minister or even some type of support group for women in your situation. Good luck.


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## geslabon (Mar 3, 2008)

I have asked him several times.. he does not believe in that. He really thinks he's too smart for anything.
I don't know anymore how to handle this.. I have tried to cry, to fight, or just to keep quiet nothing works.
I even tried to stop working before and stop communicating with my girl friends because I can't go out without him or if I did then we will have a problem. 



> Definately sounds like some major trust issues. Have you done any marriage counceling?[/B]


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## ShilohsMom (Jun 25, 2007)

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this- its wrong and if there is no trust there is nothing. Were there indications that your husband was this jealous before you married? The main thing to realize is a jealous person is an insecure person- you or your bra is not the cause. Perhaps you can seek counseling on your own- I can't imagine coping with this on your own.


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## camfan (Oct 30, 2006)

Do you have family nearby? If he won't go to counseling or listen to you and you're that miserable--if you have a place to go I'd the kids and go. And tell him that you will talk to him when he sits down with a counselor with you. I mean really, what other options do you have?? I truly feel sorry for your pain but You have to be proactive in this situation and do something about it--nobody is going to do it for you. You owe it to yourself and your children. We are here for you!! :grouphug:


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## ShilohsMom (Jun 25, 2007)

One thing I forgot to add is name calling is verbal abuse along with the accusations. Have you confided in a family member at least?


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## MandyMc65 (Jun 14, 2007)

> Do you have family nearby? If he won't go to counseling or listen to you and you're that miserable--if you have a place to go I'd the kids and go. And tell him that you will talk to him when he sits down with a counselor with you. I mean really, what other options do you have?? I truly feel sorry for your pain but You have to be proactive in this situation and do something about it--nobody is going to do it for you. You owe it to yourself and your children. We are here for you!! :grouphug:[/B]



I have to agree. My first thought was, he's accusing you of something b/c he is doing it. Guilty conscious. Just a thought. Maybe you should ask him... Either way you need to stand up for yourself and your kids. :grouphug:


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## geslabon (Mar 3, 2008)

He's been like this before but I use to think that it was cute and that he loves me so much which is so stupid of me.

Unfortunately, I asked my parents to move in with us for free and sell their house so they can save money for their retirement.

Another wrong move... now I found out that he has not been paying our Chapter 13 for the house because of losing money from the casino and it's now canceled. I am so scared that we are going to loose the house and I have been hating him everyday. So he thinks I'm with someone else. I can't not believe that I trust him to gamble our money.. his words were very promising and I'm still patiently giving him so may chances... but all he can do is to accuse me after all the Sh**t that I'm putting up with. I must be so stupid. I just can't get it to my head. Going back, the cause of Chapter 13 was gambling too. 

He even pretends to be me and get credit cards etc. pretends to be my dad... and we are totally screwed in our credits.

He is still the father of my child and I wish I can do magic.. but I can't. it hurts. 

I apologize if my English is not that clear.. just so hard to write and express your feelings esp. when your so emotional. I'm sorry.


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## jazak (Feb 12, 2008)

how long have you been together?


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## gigigirlz (Jun 18, 2007)

You need to get some help before he gets violent with you...the kids and Piolo....

sounds like the gambling is taking over his life and he is just looking for any excuse to lash out at you...YOU are NOT the problem...he and the GAMBLING are the problem...thankfully your parents are with you and can help protect you and your kids...contact gamblers anonymous...I am sure they have some kind of program for spouses...Please...get some help before it gets worse....you don't deserve this kind of emotional abuse..and your kids certainly don't either....he has caused his own stress...don't allow him to cause you anymore....


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## jmm (Nov 23, 2004)

If possible, I would go to a counselor or therapist yourself. Having an outsider look at the situation and help you work through your decisions can take a lot off your shoulders.


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## jadey (Nov 2, 2006)

:grouphug: i just want to give you a hug. i agree with wit what everyone says. i just want to add that its not healthy for you or your babies to hear the verbal abuse.


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## I found nemo (Feb 23, 2006)

I'm so sorry this is happening. I know it can't be easy to just leave when you have four children.
All I can say is tell him to get some help or the marraige may be over  Gambling is not something that he can just stop it's just as addictive as any drug. A person will say anything and do anything to get more money, he definitely needs some help. Can you and your parents maybe move in together like get an apartment or a small house somewhere so you can help eachother out?

I pray for the best for you, but he really needs to help himself now, all you can do is try to look for some alternatives and maybe talk to a counselor who specializes in gambling so you can better understand your husband and why he does what he does..
Good Luck :grouphug:


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## geslabon (Mar 3, 2008)

we been together for 12 years.



> how long have you been together?[/B]


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## geslabon (Mar 3, 2008)

I have tried to get him busy to keep his weekends occupied like going to museum with the kids.
Planning on going to Disney just to drive him away from casino but today after getting an e-mail from him accusing me about a stupid bra... change my whole point of view.. I cried and laugh at work.. while dealing with this. I feel like a crazy woman now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am to blame for this.. maybe his board to death with me already. I just want to do the best for my kids.


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## godiva goddess (Nov 19, 2007)

^^ awww..dont be so hard on yourself!!! I am sorry I dont know what to say to help you..but maybe if you vent on here, and to a trusted friend/family member, it will make you feel a bit better! :grouphug: :grouphug:


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## DarcysDad (Apr 15, 2008)

*First of all let me express my sympathy for you and your children during these hardest of times in your marriage. 
Having been through a broken marriage previously and from a mans point of view I may have something to add that may or may not help you.
I have to tell you that I am NOT a counselor and offer what I have to say here as an opinion and not as professional advice.

1) Your current situation is obviously more complicated than can be explained in a few small posts here.

2) Your attempts to communicate with your husband regarding the state of your marriage and other problems is the right step forward, communication is the key.

3) The fact that your husband is noncompliant with going to see a marriage counselor is probably due to insecurities and maybe even guilt for not only his gambling addition, but perhaps other indiscrepancies he may or may not had committed. It is hard for any man to talk to a third party when he hasn’t the know-how or the intestinal fortitude to firstly talk to his wife. This isn’t a good line of thinking on his part but he will have to arrive at a point in his life where he can "identify and admit" he has a problem. He doesn’t seem to have arrived at that point yet.

4) Though he maybe wont go to counseling it is definitely time for you to seek it alone if he wont go. Remember, seeking help is a sign of "strength", not a sign of weakness.

5) In my honest opinion rash or drastic measures may only fuel the fire further, except where you feel for your or your children’s safety. In the latter case it is your responsibility to yourself and children to seek safe refuge immediately. If constructive measures cannot be achieved, take it upon yourself to seek the help and protection you need. Remember children are far better off outside of a broken marriage than inside an abusive one.

6) I am not trying to finger point here and accept my apologies, but moving parents into the situation is a no-no (bad move). The bulk of the fault lays with your husband and that’s evident. The two of you must correct this or if left with no other alternative, you must move forward on your own, up to and including removing him from the household or leaving yourself.

7) If all you are currently dealing with is repetative gambling, heated verbal exchanges and constant name-calling it is well past due that you seek help from a professional and get the "right" advice.

8) You are a lighted spirit and your children are blessings. No man or woman has the right to extinguish that light or take away your voice. Children must be spared this sort of daily confrontational environment because often they can even blame themselves in some misconstrued notion that maybe they themselves are somehow responsible.

9) Do not meet fire with fire. He has a severe sickness and you CANNOT solve it for him and no amount of talking on your behalf will solve that. You can only attempt to steer or guide him towards getting the necessary help. He must elect to get help for himself. If it is your position to leave him be it temporarily or other, DO NOT tell him before hand what your plans are, as you may be setting yourself up for a bigger and more violent confrontation. Your first line of attack must always be to seek the help and protection that you and your children require, nothing else is this paramount. Better safe than sorry.

10) Don’t get into legalities or take bad advice from friends or family. Seek out the professionals, that’s their job and there are some very good ones out there. I sympathize with your problem and know that it has to seem like an impossible mountain to climb but the power is within you always to see this through. God willing you will get through this unscathed, but more likely you have a long journey ahead of you. I can only imagine your isolation and lack of love and attention. I'm sure it must be unbearable at times. Seek out companionship with a friend, but don’t spend the time talking about your marital problems, its not therapeutic for you at all.

Lastly, I apologize for the lecture-like post and don't mean to sound or look like a know-it-all, because I am far from it, but that being said, living your life in fear or under your spouses thumb, is no life at all. You deserve the best and to be happy. You are never alone and there is a lot of help and support out there, just don't be afraid to reach out and grab it.

I hope something here helps you and you have my support and I am sure a lot of other members support here in this forum. We are your friends and will be here for you where and when we can.

Thanks for listening ! 

DarcysDad :thumbsup: *


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## coco (Sep 20, 2006)

Excellent post, Darcy's Dad! 

I just want to add that I hope you have a friend with whom you can talk. Never forget that an Internet forum is read by 100's if not 1000's of people. If there's something you don't want known by all these people, you might not want to say it on the Internet. This is a very supportive group, I know, but we aren't the only people who read these threads. 

With that said, I sure hope that you get some counseling and figure out what your options are. I'm very sorry for the turmoil you are experiencing in your life. It has to be just horrible for you. :grouphug: :grouphug:


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## cknight (Jan 8, 2008)

Great post DarcyDad!!! Ditto to what you said, first and foremost the children comes first. Good luck with whatever decision you make and remember we love and God loves you more!


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## Matilda's mommy (Jun 1, 2005)

> *First of all let me express my sympathy for you and your children during these hardest of times in your marriage.
> Having been through a broken marriage previously and from a mans point of view I may have something to add that may or may not help you.
> I have to tell you that I am NOT a counselor and offer what I have to say here as an opinion and not as professional advice.
> 
> ...




:aktion033: :aktion033: :aktion033:


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## Nissa Fiona (Nov 4, 2007)

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BRAVO!!! WELL SAID!!! PERFECT!!!!


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## lillady (Jan 25, 2007)

Wow :w00t: I think you missed your calling if you're not a professional therapist-whoa-that was GREAT advice!! :thumbsup: 



> *First of all let me express my sympathy for you and your children during these hardest of times in your marriage.
> Having been through a broken marriage previously and from a mans point of view I may have something to add that may or may not help you.
> I have to tell you that I am NOT a counselor and offer what I have to say here as an opinion and not as professional advice.
> 
> ...


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## MissMelanie (Feb 13, 2006)

I feel awful for you, having been through my first marriage. That aside, if you fear for your safety or that of your children, FIND help now, you really are not alone! I understand the "pit" you may feel you are in, but there are many with hands out to help you.

I will keep your family in my prayers and hope that your Husband's heart soften swiftly.

God bless,
Melanie


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## vjw (Dec 20, 2006)

> *First of all let me express my sympathy for you and your children during these hardest of times in your marriage.
> Having been through a broken marriage previously and from a mans point of view I may have something to add that may or may not help you.
> I have to tell you that I am NOT a counselor and offer what I have to say here as an opinion and not as professional advice.
> 
> ...



Wow! there's a lot of wisdom packed into that post. You're not a counselor?!?




Joy


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## msmagnolia (Sep 8, 2004)

We care about you! I am very concerned for the safety of you and the children. Do your parents support you, or do they take your husband's side? Please seek the counsel and help of professionals. You deserve better than you are getting........


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## angel's mom (Feb 14, 2007)

An addicts best friend is his/her enabler. The enabler is the one that tiptoes around and tries to make everything go smooth to try and keep him/her from turning to thier xxx (substitute drug, alcohol, gambling, whatever the addition is). The enabler will take on blame that doesn't belong to them. They will apologize for things they have no control over. They will applaud the smallest step in the right direction that they think they see, only to be slapped down again by reality. It took me many many years to realize that I did not own the problem and therefore, I was powerless to do anything to fix it or him. 

Darcy'sdad gave you some wonderful advice. Please try to step back and look at your situation. I've brought it up before, but I have to bring it up again, some of the wisest words I"ve ever heard...

<div align="center">God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Sometimes it is hard to live by, but a lot of times, those words give me the focus and the direction I need.

:grouphug: to you.


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## mysugarbears (Aug 13, 2007)

> *First of all let me express my sympathy for you and your children during these hardest of times in your marriage.
> Having been through a broken marriage previously and from a mans point of view I may have something to add that may or may not help you.
> I have to tell you that I am NOT a counselor and offer what I have to say here as an opinion and not as professional advice.
> 
> ...


very well said, :aktion033:


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## bentleyboy (Dec 13, 2006)

My heart goes out to you. It is a very difficult situation you are in. I really think you should seek help for yourself. My friend had a boyfriend like that. He was really unstable and it turned out he was cheating. I don't want to scare you but he is being abusive to you. Mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. He has addiction problem and anger issues. These problems he has are not your problems and only he can sort them out, however these problems are causing you pain and suffering and will ultimately affect your children. What i strongly advise is that you seek a counselling group like al anon ( for the partners of a spouse with an addiction problem) or abused womens group. The people who run these groups will be able to help you decide what to do with your life. Your husband has no right to treat you that way. He is ill or has deep issues and by accepting them you are allowing him to have all the power and not take a long hard look at himself. I really think that you should get some help for yourself as he is not thinking rationally right now but from a place of deep sadness, anger and negativity. You must not go there too.

Take care of yourself and your children. I am thinking off you.


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## geslabon (Mar 3, 2008)

I would like to thank everyone for your great advices. There's really a lot of talented people where in SM and I'm very fortunate that I found this site. I did not expect to get this much support and I really appreciate all of you that took your time to respond to my thread from the bottom of my heart... Thank you! 

Just an update... Last night after hurting each others feeling from exchanging e-mails, we have decided that it's finally over.
(just for the record we never fought in front of the kids).
But when he came home from work he couldn't resist to make up with me and every thing just seems to be forgotten. 
We stayed up late just talking about kids and planning how we can get through our financial issue. etc.. 
What I don't understand is that.. after the fight, we will have the best moment together where we are both cry and apologies and make the best love ever.. but then after a few weeks or so we fall back in the same situation. Is this normal?

Not to defend him or anything but part of the reason why he doesn't trust me like he used to is when I express no intention for S*X anymore and the reason for that in my side is the gambling and financial issue. I used to go with him on the weekends just to sit beside him while he gambles but he was winning before and I was happy when he started to loose and going more often and losing more money and time with the children that's when I told him to stop and thought that it's now more an addiction than just occasional gambling that's when our problem together started. Up to this point he still ask me to go with him for support to be next to him when he gambles but I would say no and would tell him to go by himself and leave me alone with the kids. I'm not a gambler but been to Atlantic City and thought that it was a nice place.. I was the one who introduced him there and I feel so bad. I did not anticipate that I would create my own monster. I just wanted to give a little background for more clarification.. I think I made him sound like a big evil here... part of it is my fault. 

Regarding the cheating part... I'm not that concern it's not that I don't care but I just know where I stand.. but who knows there's been a lot of women there that had no clue... but my main concern is him accusing me non stop and the gambling has got to stop. Anything aside from that he's the best husband and a father to my child. 

You guys just made me realize that we really do need to get some counseling and help for the gambling issue. 
I don't want to repeat or be on the same pattern over and over... just getting tired of it..I just want us and my kids to be one big happy family. (but don't we all what this)

Maybe I'm being stupid again or just in the good mood right now but I know that we really need to seek help. 
Thank you again for your support and words just cannot express enough how much your support and advices did for me, and my family. It was an eye opening. Please keep prayers for my family. Thank you.


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## geslabon (Mar 3, 2008)

Thank you! This really means a lot. :grouphug: 



> *First of all let me express my sympathy for you and your children during these hardest of times in your marriage.
> Having been through a broken marriage previously and from a mans point of view I may have something to add that may or may not help you.
> I have to tell you that I am NOT a counselor and offer what I have to say here as an opinion and not as professional advice.
> 
> ...


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## camfan (Oct 30, 2006)

> I would like to thank everyone for your great advices. There's really a lot of talented people where in SM and I'm very fortunate that I found this site. I did not expect to get this much support and I really appreciate all of you that took your time to respond to my thread from the bottom of my heart... Thank you!
> 
> Just an update... Last night after hurting each others feeling from exchanging e-mails, we have decided that it's finally over.
> (just for the record we never fought in front of the kids).
> ...


I'm glad you're doing ok at the moment. However...

You asked if "this was normal"--I hate to say it but, yes, in a dysfunctional marriage, that is normal. Not in a healthy marriage. A stable marriage is not swayed back and forth, up and down, and cycle in and out depending on circumstances and moods and emotions and physical intimacy. Your marriage foundation is what needs to be solid first--and counseling will help you with that. Please do not put if off just because you are feeling happy at the moment.

Saying that you are partially responsible for your husband being a gambling addict because you introduced him to a casino is like someone saying they turned their husband into an alcoholic because they gave him a single drink. It doesn't work that way. You taking partial blame is only making you more codependant and is only enabling him more.

I'm not trying to give you counseling--I'm not a counselor--just really encouraging you to please seek help ASAP. Your situation is on it's way to disaster--but if you get in there with professional help and work at it, it could work out. Best of luck :grouphug:


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## geslabon (Mar 3, 2008)

I totally agree with you camfan... and this is exactly what I'm afraid off.





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## mom2bijou (Oct 19, 2006)

It sounds like he tries to control you b/c he can't control his actions...such as gambling. So often when things become out of control in one's life....they will try to control another person or aspect in their life. It certainly is not right that your husband treats you this way...and it so saddens me to hear this. I would definitely seek help whether he agrees to go to counseling or not. You have to do the right thing not only for yourself but for your family as well. I will keep you in my prayers! :grouphug: :grouphug: rayer: rayer:


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## angel's mom (Feb 14, 2007)

If you stay and HE does nothing, this rollercoaster WILL continue. Nothing will change until he takes action to cope with his addiction. Everyone of us that have dealt with an addict (of any sort) recognize the place where you are at: the hope, the tears, the apologies and the "feeling good" for awhile. This is life with an addict. Most likely, he is sorry for his behavior, but the addiction is bigger than he is alone. If you attend just one alanon meeting, you will find many people (mostly women) who will tell the same story. I wish you luck, and I will keep you in my thoughts.


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## bentleyboy (Dec 13, 2006)

> I have tried to get him busy to keep his weekends occupied like going to museum with the kids.
> Planning on going to Disney just to drive him away from casino but today after getting an e-mail from him accusing me about a stupid bra... change my whole point of view.. I cried and laugh at work.. while dealing with this. I feel like a crazy woman now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am to blame for this.. maybe his board to death with me already. I just want to do the best for my kids.[/B]



Its not you! driving him to be like this. Please try and hold on to that. Its an addiction that controls him. You are not to blame, honey.


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## mpappie (Jun 28, 2005)

I am praying for *you*! Please get some professional help with or without your husband. You need the help to know how to deal with this and *it will help you*.


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## bentleyboy (Dec 13, 2006)

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Totally agree. Its common that addicts and people who engage in abusive behaviour revert to remorse after a fight. I also agree on the co dependent point camfan made. Still thinking of you.


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## geslabon (Mar 3, 2008)

He called me just now in my cell and he asked me where I was and I said that I'm sitting in my chair at work and I said why you called me on my cell instead of work? He said I called you at the office and it was a different ans. machine .. I said ok let me prove to you that I'm here.. I dialed the phone from work and called him so it will show up in the color id. I said so what's wrong with the phone.. why don't you call me again. He said he hit the re dialed button and got me the second time. His voice sound disappointed.. he said maybe something is wrong with Comcast. 

While this was going on it.. I was very nervous already that he might accuse me again for just sitting here in my chair. 
I was so afraid that we might fight again. This is the life I'm leaving it is not healthy at all. There are times when he calls me from my cell and instead of ans. it immediately my hands would start shaking that I ended up dropping the phone and ob course, he would accuse me again. He would yell and I would yell out of frustration. Then we start to ignore and it goes on and on and then back to normal. Yeap.. it's time for counseling. I really hope this will help us. I have no idea what to expect.. in the back of my mind something is telling me what kind of miracle can she/he do. I know I'm just feeling happy at this moment but I do realize that I'm desperate for help.


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## Tallulah's Mom (Jan 8, 2007)

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. It seems like your husband has a lot of issues, and even though you say that you supported him when he won at gambling, that could have been before you realized that he suffered from a gambling addiction. You could relate it to alcohol, not everyone that drinks is an alcoholic. Your husband is a severe control freak, my bet is that if he had a video of your bra breaking, he would dispute the validity of the video!! (Also, a controlling person gets angry at any explanation: none, too much information or too little information. In other words, not matter what you say, you will lose!)

You say that your husband is the best father to your children, and I don't want you to think that I'm being mean here, but he can't be the best father to his children when he is being cruel to their mother. He is also trying to divert from his own issues when he is constantly keeping you on the defensive with his accusations against you. 

Money problems alone are hard enough to deal with (believe me I know!), but when you have a controlling person who is also addictive and spiralling into severe financial problems, this is a situation that is headed for trouble to say the least. You will never be able to change him, so you really have to try to change your way of dealing with him and yourself first. It is very overwhelming, I'm sure, so you may want to seek out help from a support system, such as family, friends or therapists. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you. : )


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## k/c mom (Oct 9, 2004)

> He called me just now in my cell and he asked me where I was and I said that I'm sitting in my chair at work and I said why you called me on my cell instead of work? He said I called you at the office and it was a different ans. machine .. I said ok let me prove to you that I'm here.. I dialed the phone from work and called him so it will show up in the color id. I said so what's wrong with the phone.. why don't you call me again. He said he hit the re dialed button and got me the second time. His voice sound disappointed.. he said maybe something is wrong with Comcast.
> 
> While this was going on it.. I was very nervous already that he might accuse me again for just sitting here in my chair.
> I was so afraid that we might fight again. This is the life I'm leaving it is not healthy at all. There are times when he calls me from my cell and instead of ans. it immediately my hands would start shaking that I ended up dropping the phone and ob course, he would accuse me again. He would yell and I would yell out of frustration. Then we start to ignore and it goes on and on and then back to normal. Yeap.. it's time for counseling. I really hope this will help us. I have no idea what to expect.. in the back of my mind something is telling me what kind of miracle can she/he do. I know I'm just feeling happy at this moment but I do realize that I'm desperate for help.
> ...


Gosh, please get help! This is no way to live. The guy sounds like a big ole bully to me. You've got to be strong and not let him push you around like this. Tell him you're at work and if he doesn't believe you, then that's his perogative. He is being manipulative and controlling. 

I'm sorry but men who behave like this make me sick. :angry: 

Please see a counselor... don't worry about if he will go or not. Go for yourself. :grouphug:


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## geslabon (Mar 3, 2008)

My parents support me but they also love my husband. They think he's the best but they don't really know what's going on.



> We care about you! I am very concerned for the safety of you and the children. Do your parents support you, or do they take your husband's side? Please seek the counsel and help of professionals. You deserve better than you are getting........[/B]


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## saltymalty (Sep 14, 2004)

I have to be blunt here...so I apologize for offending anyone...this is a toxic relationship. Get yourself, and your children some counseling. And get yourself a very good lawyer. Your husband is not only ruining your credit, he is ruining your lives. Jealousy is not normal. His actions are not those of a rational, sane person. You need to be in a safe environment. I cannot imagine that your parents, if they knew everything, would still think so highly of him. Unless the man is willing to change, and that change is demonstrated in a very pronounced way (going to gambler's anonymous, going to counseling, etc.) your life will continue to be heck. That's no way to live. Tell your parents exactly what is going on and take their advice...


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## binniebee (Sep 27, 2007)

Apparently, you have married my ex-husband.

Seriously, the behavior you describe from beginning to end (jealousy, accusations of infidelity, making up, promises, gambling, etc...) sound exactly like my ex. We were together for 10 years. Luckily, I already had my two children and sterilization procedure prior to meeting him. It was just awful! Finally, it reached a peak: I tried to talk to him about divorce and he went and picked up his handgun, loaded, and shot it through the house and the door! He did not point it at me, but what if one of my then-teen sons had been coming in the door? What if a neighbor had been? What if he'd then decided to turn the gun on me and/or himself? So, I secretly went to a lawyer, filed for divorce, told the attorney I would let him know when I was safely out of reach and not to serve the papers until he heard from me. When I was safely 600 miles away I notified the attorney and he served the papers. I notified my employer of my move (but not the location) and resignation. I had met with my mom and older son a day prior to me leaving to let them know what was going on.

I took my younger son (14; my older son was 19 by then and living in another town), my Maltese, Casper, my computer, all the clothes I could fit into my trunk, my special cooking utensils and claimed to be sick and called in sick (my ex worked at the same place I did). My younger son left for school but came back home an hour later as I had instructed. We fled to another state. I lived in a small town and had no safe house to go to; my parents lived down the road and frankly I was afraid for them, if they sheltered me.

Anyway, here I am 11 years later, happily and peacefully married for the last 10 years to a wonderful guy.

I hope the best for you. Good luck. I urge you to talk to a professional therapist, but only you know how scary your husband can be.

*hugs*
Cyndi


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## msmagnolia (Sep 8, 2004)

You and the children (and your parents) need to keep yourselves safe.........I'm sorry that this is going on!


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## Lennabella (Mar 29, 2007)

> Apparently, you have married my ex-husband.
> 
> Seriously, the behavior you describe from beginning to end (jealousy, accusations of infidelity, making up, promises, gambling, etc...) sound exactly like my ex. We were together for 10 years. Luckily, I already had my two children and sterilization procedure prior to meeting him. It was just awful! Finally, it reached a peak: I tried to talk to him about divorce and he went and picked up his handgun, loaded, and shot it through the house and the door! He did not point it at me, but what if one of my then-teen sons had been coming in the door? What if a neighbor had been? What if he'd then decided to turn the gun on me and/or himself? So, I secretly went to a lawyer, filed for divorce, told the attorney I would let him know when I was safely out of reach and not to serve the papers until he heard from me. When I was safely 600 miles away I notified the attorney and he served the papers. I notified my employer of my move (but not the location) and resignation. I had met with my mom and older son a day prior to me leaving to let them know what was going on.
> 
> ...


WOW !!! You go girl !! for having the guts to leave when you should have. I'm sorry for you both to have and to be dealing with this.


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## casa verde maltese (Apr 7, 2007)

:grouphug: :grouphug: 
Take care of yourself and your children. I hope you are able to get him into therapy.


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## louiseelizabeth (Jan 7, 2008)

I"m so sorry to hear what you are going through and i agree with all the advice here that has been given.You should definately visit your doctor and request to see a counseller, do it now!, even if your husband does not wish to go i personally advise you do it for "yourself" and your family. Be strong and take control and take one step at a time. Take care lou and beau


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## luvmyfurbaby (Feb 11, 2007)

> If you stay and HE does nothing, this rollercoaster WILL continue. Nothing will change until he takes action to cope with his addiction. Everyone of us that have dealt with an addict (of any sort) recognize the place where you are at: the hope, the tears, the apologies and the "feeling good" for awhile. This is life with an addict. Most likely, he is sorry for his behavior, but the addiction is bigger than he is alone. If you attend just one alanon meeting, you will find many people (mostly women) who will tell the same story. I wish you luck, and I will keep you in my thoughts.[/B]


Ok here goes.......I normally don't post personal things on the forum but I will this one time. I have been married to my hubby for 23 years. My hubby had an addiction for the first 12 years of our marriage. I don't want to go into it but it was a living h*ll. I married him that way and it just got progressively worse. We would fight all the time and he would lie all the time to cover up his addiction. I wanted so bad to believe him and make it all better for the kids sake. I was the BIGGEST enabler on the face of the earth. I would lie to my family and friends to hide his addiction. One day I just got tired and told him he had to leave. PERIOD. He fought with me and even threatened suicide. I don't know how but I got the courage to tell him "You do what you need to but your out of here". I think of it now and think were did I get that courage from??? The next day we checked him into the hospital for a 30 day in patient stay. We lost alot during that time financially and emotionally. I felt alone and lonely he was getting help and I was stuck with the everyday bills and struggles. 

After the 30 days when he was discharged he went to meetings the first 90 days he did the suggested 90 meetings. I went to meetings for family members to get help for myself. I learned sooooo much that I was adding to the problem by hiding his short comings and letting his actions influence how I acted and would even take it out on the kids by being short with them.

As I got stronger and stronger my hubby would kid "Your even more of a b*tch then before"  I was standing up for myself. I had self esteem I let him know I had a stake in this too. I wasn't going to feel guilty for his mood swings and his problems. He would blame me and accuse me of everything. He thought when he got out everything would be perfect.....it wasn't. It was his choices and actions that made him feel the way he felt not me. If he was mad or sad "he" got himself into that mood I didn't put him in that mood. 

I am not telling you that everything is perfect now but he is still going to meeting almost 11 years later, he has a sponsor, he sponsors people and when he becomes a PITA I send him to a meeting and he comes home so much better. He tells people in his meeting throwing him out was the best thing I did for him. It takes work and dedication but you can do this!!! If he doesn't want to seek help you go seek help! It will make you stronger and think of things in a different way. When you are ready and have a plan call him on it either get help or get out! Do it for yourself and your kids. You need to be strong and take some kind of action you can do it. If not for you for your kids. I thank God everyday that he now lives to please me and my kids. If you need to talk let me know. Sorry for the long post.

Maggie


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## geslabon (Mar 3, 2008)

All the story here sounds exactly like the life I'm living right now. 
It's very scary but I still find it in my heart to believe him. I just can't hate him yet???
I know everyone of you thinks that I must be the most idiot woman out there to still give him a chance.
But I just want to be honest with you guys on how I feel. 

I really hope to wake up one day... I know it's WRONG but for some reason as soon as I see him and we're all together as family everything seems to be perfect and I seem to totally forget all the pain. 

I did contacted a counselor yesterday and I'm waiting to hear back from her. I'm also concern about the rates because of our financial issue right now but I know that this is a priority and I need to do this for the sake of my kids.


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## DarcysDad (Apr 15, 2008)

> All the story here sounds exactly like the life I'm living right now.
> It's very scary but I still find it in my heart to believe him. I just can't hate him yet???
> I know everyone of you thinks that I must be the most idiot woman out there to still give him a chance.
> But I just want to be honest with you guys on how I feel.
> ...



*No price is too high when it comes to the preservation of you, your children and your family !  *


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## angel's mom (Feb 14, 2007)

> All the story here sounds exactly like the life I'm living right now.
> It's very scary but I still find it in my heart to believe him. I just can't hate him yet???
> I know everyone of you thinks that I must be the most idiot woman out there to still give him a chance.
> But I just want to be honest with you guys on how I feel.
> ...


I do NOT feel like you are an idiot. I too have been there & those of us who have KNOW where you are and how you are feeling. From our own experience we also know what you have to do. BUT, you can't and won't do it until you really "get it". It takes too much courage, strength, anger(?), and/or reality to take the steps that you must take. You won't be able to do it until you realize that you are hoping for something that just isn't possible without him seeking outside help. But you are NOT an idiot. You are a woman who loves your husband and desperately wants to believe in him. 

I will continue to keep you and your kids in my thoughts and prayers.


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## binniebee (Sep 27, 2007)

Absolutely, every one of us that has been through this also felt like everyone would think we were idiots, which is why we kept it a secret until we were ready to do something about it. My mother really had a hard time believing me because she and I lived just down the road from each other and I had never even hinted that there were any problems whatsoever until the day before I left. To this day I am not sure my mother believes all the problems were really to the extreme that I finally confessed to her. But, I can't help that. I lived with it and once I left I felt like I had escaped a prison! I could not believe I was able to just read a book, or take a nap or just relax and not be all tensed up and scared inside. 

But it is true. That is my life now. I do what I want to when I want to and I want to do pretty much the things that will please my current husband, because he is so kind to me. 

I hope you one day experience this, but I know you have to keep trying until he changes, or you are ready to leave.

Good luck. I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best for you and your children.

Cyndi


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