# Is this what people do? Is it okay?



## Sylie (Apr 4, 2011)

We are invited to a 50th surprise birthday party for a friend...it is another one of those parties at a restaurant where the guests are expected...no required to share the bill. For my 50th I had it at a nice restaurant but I paid the tab. Now I see people having these parties that the guests have to pay for. Oh, fine, I had a mediocre plate of pasta and a glass of wine, but my share of the bill is $75..."cause somebody kept ordering more wine and port and wow...To me this is simply uncouth. You want to throw a party, you pay for it...yes everybody brings things, but they bring what they can afford. I find it highly offensive. So, we are invited to another one of these parties. What do I do? Do I shut up and shell out the I have no idea how much $$$ for a dinner, I might not even like? Do I decline, saying we have a previous engagement, or should I be honest and say how I feel? I have a lot of parties, when I have a party I spend $$$$$, but I resent being invited to a place where I have no control over the outcome. The last time we did this and HAD to spend $150 on a very bad meal...I swore I would not do it again.

Do any of you experience this new trend in birthday parties? Should I be honest, or should I be polite?


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## pammy4501 (Aug 8, 2007)

I'm with you. I find this practice tasteless. Can you say that you have another engagement, but can join the party late for cake and coffee? That's what I'd do.


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## TLR (Nov 13, 2011)

Call me old fashion, but when I host a party, I do not expect my guess to pay for anything. I think that is just rude and would decline the invitation. I am with you all the way on this one.


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## Sylie (Apr 4, 2011)

I was thinking that we might just say we couldn't make it early, but could come later. On the other hand, I really think I should speak up. This might be okay for people in their twenties, but either you foot the bill...or you don't throw a party. So last year we got invited to such a "party". We actually had a gift certificate to this place that we gave away, because I didn't care to go there. Times are tough. Really tough. So, Alan said we don't really want to go to this party, because we just can't afford it now. Host says, "Oh don't worry it will only be like fifty dollars." Yep. Host just about had a heart attack when he got the bill...our share was $175 at a dump with crappy food. There is always that person who keeps ordering another bottle of over-priced wine.
Do I be honest...or do I just say we have a prior engagement?


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## mss (Mar 1, 2006)

If someone wants to do more advanced planning, I think they could work with some restaurants to make it better, maybe sort of catered--such as having a limited number of entrees people could select from--and not put the alcohol on a joint tab.

Events with disputes about the bill can be not so fun for the honoree, too. I was the recipient of a strange farewell lunch when I left a job, that was a bonanza for the restaurant and an embarrassment to me and my boss who got stuck with unexpected and unwanted extras, such as too much booze, a strange guitar serenade, and a souvenir plate ... Embarrassing ...


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## Snowball Pie's Mommi (Oct 16, 2008)

Sylie said:


> I was thinking that we might just say we couldn't make it early, but could come later. On the other hand, I really think I should speak up. This might be okay for people in their twenties, but either you foot the bill...or you don't throw a party. So last year we got invited to such a "party". We actually had a gift certificate to this place that we gave away, because I didn't care to go there. Times are tough. Really tough. So, Alan said we don't really want to go to this party, because we just can't afford it now. Host says, "Oh don't worry it will only be like fifty dollars." Yep. Host just about had a heart attack when he got the bill...our share was $175 at a dump with crappy food. There is always that person who keeps ordering another bottle of over-priced wine.
> Do I be honest...or do I just say we have a prior engagement?


I seem to get myself into more trouble lately for speaking the truth about what I think or feel. However, I don't things will ever change for the better if we go along with the crowd when we know that something is not right. So, if it were me, I would be honest. Otherwise, it sounds as though you will be faced with the same problem once again when there is another party invite.

One thing I did wonder about though ... is that I read your IP to say that it was a surprise party. So, I assume the birthday person does not know about the party, and thus, not aware that everyone is expected to pay their own way. 

I'm glad you brought up your question, Sylvia ... because this kind of thing has always bothered me, too. Not even so much a party ... but, with two friends of Felix and I, who have always wanted to split the bill. And, yes, they are the ones who drink more and tend to order the most expensive thing on the menu. The last time this happened ... I insisted that Felix and I pay the whole bill. And, that the next time they could *treat* us. Hopefully, it gave them something to think about. In all fairness, they did insist on splitting the tip ... and, they know Felix and I are generous in tipping waiters.

Maybe someone could suggest to your friends who have these parties ... to perhaps have a set menu, including drinks ... and, of course, with at least two options to choose from the dinner menu. At least everyone would know ahead of time how much they would be paying for dinner. 

I definitely think it's tacky to invite guests to your own party and then expect the guests to pay. We haven't encountered that kind of invitation ... yet.


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## Cosy (Feb 9, 2006)

I think I'd just bow out. If they ask why, I would tell them your experiences and that you find it unfair and improper dining etiquette. Honesty is the best policy as this may be a recurring thing.


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## Sylie (Apr 4, 2011)

now me, if I invited friends to go out to dinner at a restaurant of MY choice I fully intend to pay the bill. If I invite friends to a party, I fully intend to provide lovely food, libations and fun. When ever I give a party all my friends bring extra special treats, when I go to a party I take extra special treats. But this trend of throwing a party at an overpriced, often not very good restaurant is just beyond tacky in my way of thinking. I just wonder if I am old fashioned in this regard? As I am definitely old fashioned in expecting people to get dressed up when I throw a dinner party. I just can't understand people who come to dinner in jeans and dirty sport shoes. Hey, I spend two hours dressing the table...you came straight from washing your car? I don't get it...and I don't like it either. Come to a dinner party of mine wearing shorts and white socks...unless you are unfortunately related...you will never be invited again. Am I a freak? 

Oh wait...it is a surprise party...the birthday boy (ha ha) has no clue.


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## Maidto2Maltese (Oct 19, 2004)

I think having invited guests to someone's party be expected to pay for thier own meal is tacky ...and worse yet when some are expected to pay for the 'indulgences of other guest is totally unexceptable! 

I can see in some situations with a small group that some friends may want to do something for a special guest of honor and they decide ahead that each will pay their own and combined pay for the guest of honor... (say a lunch out for group that 'hang-out' together on a reg basis. ) this , however is a bit different since the 'group' all decides together .

At larger gatherings such as you describe when someone is 'hosting/inviting" but has simple set up the 'plan' and guests simply expected to follow thru is very bad manners... and NEVER EVER can believe someone would do this as hosting for themselves...never! 

I feel if the person who is organizing can't affort to put on a 'bash"... they should simply contact special friends/family of the GOH and ask if they'd like to 'share' in putting on the party .. they decide what they want to chip in... then with that budget they put on the best they can do within THEIR budget. No guests paying for meals! 

I've even had a time or two where I wanted to put on a party for a dear friend ( planning to take care of it ourselves) Usually the first plan of action is to contact parents/siblings etc with my idea(s). They in turn have OFFERED to chip in as well because they wanted to and not because I asked. When invitations went out...I included all who contributed as the "hosts" of the party. 

I will say I don't have a problem at large parties that often have carafes of wine ( or ordered glasses per guest) included with the meal and if they get 'emptied' and no more included.. but some want more... they should simply purchase their own at the bar... or have their own tab for the beverage(s).

I think I'd contact the 'host' and be honest...stating I have found at other situations the 'split' also included not only my order but those of other guest who chose to drink much more than I do and that I resent being 'forced" to do so. I'd much rather take that person being 'celebrated' out separately and treat them to a nice meal at a nice restaurant. It's more the 'principle' of the thing than the money itself.


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## Sylie (Apr 4, 2011)

Maidto2Maltese said:


> I think having invited guests to someone's party be expected to pay for thier own meal is tacky ...and worse yet when some are expected to pay for the 'indulgences of other guest is totally unexceptable!
> 
> I can see in some situations with a small group that some friends may want to do something for a special guest of honor and they decide ahead that each will pay their own and combined pay for the guest of honor... (say a lunch out for group that 'hang-out' together on a reg basis. ) this , however is a bit different since the 'group' all decides together .
> 
> ...


YOU said it. It is the principle. On the other hand...at times it has been the money...when we simply didn't find it responsible to spend $$$ for one night out...cause somebody ordered an expensive bottle of Port. That's where it goes crazy. I don't even like port.///:blink:


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## Maidto2Maltese (Oct 19, 2004)

Sylie said:


> YOU said it. It is the principle. On the other hand...at times it has been the money...when we simply didn't find it responsible to spend $$$ for one night out...cause somebody ordered an expensive bottle of Port. That's where it goes crazy. I don't even like port.///:blink:


Yes, Silvia.. often it can be a matter of money as well! AND... I think the guests, (who would be aware of the 'share the bill' )are terribly rude for even thinking of ordering expensive bottle of anything! 

I have to say as I've gotten older I really don't enjoy big parties... especially in restaurants. I much prefer smaller, more informal home get-togethers where you really get to visit more in a more relaxed atmosphere. At restaurants you 'plop down in your seat.. you get practically no time to visit with the person you really would like to see,..as often as not you get seated with people you don't know all that well or at all...you get served a mediocre meal.. often only luke warm even if tasty.. then it's time to go home. 
Really not worth puttin on that pantyhose for! :HistericalSmiley:


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## bellaratamaltese (May 24, 2006)

this is a good topic! Personally, I don't mind being expected to pay for what I ordered at a party/function - but since I don't drink, I am not a fan of just splitting the bill when there is a bunch of expensive alcohol included on the tab. I find that part a bit unfair. 

If it were me, I'd just say I was busy but definitely do what you are comfortable with!


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## Summergirl73 (Sep 18, 2011)

We've so been there. Actually, my husbands 40th birthday is Friday and we knew we wanted a small get together ~ the question was to go out or have friends over. While we only have fur children, virtually all of our friends have little kiddos. I knew we couldn't afford to spend tons of $ on dinner/drinks, and I think it is beyond tacky to split a bill when you INVITE people to join you. In the past friends have all paid their own portions of their bills (individual checks), but even that feels quite odd to me. Anyway, we decided to just have folks over to our home for yummy food and non-alcoholic beverages. Guests are welcome to bring their own beverage preferences though. This kept our bill under control, kept me from serving alcohol (I don't drink) and made it so our friends did not have to go broke or even find a babysitter over celebrating my hubby's birthday with us. To not consider your guests 1st is seriously lacking in manners...IMO.


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## edelweiss (Apr 23, 2010)

One idea Sylie is to call the host/hostess (? can you say that if you are all just going out to eat?) and tell them you would love to come, but only if you could have a separate check for your own food/drinks---tell her honestly why. This way you make your point graciously and you don't have to miss out on someone's birthday. Leave it to him/her to decide if you will be attending by their response. Tell them you are okay w/it either way under your circumstances. Tell her this is your new solution to a long-standing problem for you and you will be continuing it in the future w/other people/groups.
Perhaps this is a bit different, but I NEVER make a purchase at my door or contribute to a charity or political party at my door---not even girl-scout cookies. It is my policy and I don't break it. I do contribute, but it is at my pleasure & not someone's insistence.


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## Maidto2Maltese (Oct 19, 2004)

Summergirl73 said:


> We've so been there. Actually, my husbands 40th birthday is Friday and we knew we wanted a small get together ~ the question was to go out or have friends over. While we only have fur children, virtually all of our friends have little kiddos. I knew we couldn't afford to spend tons of $ on dinner/drinks, and I think it is beyond tacky to split a bill when you INVITE people to join you. In the past friends have all paid their own portions of their bills (individual checks), but even that feels quite odd to me. Anyway, we decided to just have folks over to our home for yummy food and non-alcoholic beverages. Guests are welcome to bring their own beverage preferences though. This kept our bill under control, kept me from serving alcohol (I don't drink) and made it so our friends did not have to go broke or even find a babysitter over celebrating my hubby's birthday with us. To not consider your guests 1st is seriously lacking in manners...IMO.


 
I think you and your guests will have a MUCH better time with your plan!:thumbsup: and yes, I do think there is a BIG difference between a group deciding to go out together and being INVITED to a function.


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

Sylie said:


> We are invited to a 50th surprise birthday party for a friend...it is another one of those parties at a restaurant where the guests are expected...no required to share the bill. For my 50th I had it at a nice restaurant but I paid the tab. Now I see people having these parties that the guests have to pay for. Oh, fine, I had a mediocre plate of pasta and a glass of wine, but my share of the bill is $75..."cause somebody kept ordering more wine and port and wow...To me this is simply uncouth. You want to throw a party, you pay for it...yes everybody brings things, but they bring what they can afford. I find it highly offensive. So, we are invited to another one of these parties. What do I do? Do I shut up and shell out the I have no idea how much $$$ for a dinner, I might not even like? Do I decline, saying we have a previous engagement, or should I be honest and say how I feel? I have a lot of parties, when I have a party I spend $$$$$, but I resent being invited to a place where I have no control over the outcome. The last time we did this and HAD to spend $150 on a very bad meal...I swore I would not do it again.
> 
> Do any of you experience this new trend in birthday parties? Should I be honest, or should I be polite?


 
Sylvia, I have been to many parties, similar. Here's how all of them where handled.

Those who are guest: The fee is a set fee, which would include the guest of honours meal. CASH BAR. Period.

Now some places will include wine and beer as a part of the total cost per person, and again, that would be included in the set fee, per guest, including once again, the guest of honours meal and beer or wine.

If people want to drink other than that, then they will have to pay for it themselves. End of story.

The cost of the fee should be known upfront, and many resturants will give you a cost per head depending on the number of attendees. 

No way should anyone walk into an unkown fee. Nor should guest pay, for what other guest are drinking. 

Most places will offer beer and wine in the total cost per head. And as I said, of others want to drink other than that, than they pay for it themselves.

What should you do? You are always polite, and honest and I would stick to that, but perhaps, if the above reccomendations would fit, I would reccomend those set-ups for future parties.

Honestly, I do not feel, that the person organizing the event should foot the total bill. All guest are there to celebrate whatever event it is, for the Guest of Honour. 

Just my thoughts on having events outside the home and at a resturant or hall of some sort.

Hugs.


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## Maidto2Maltese (Oct 19, 2004)

allheart said:


> Sylvia, I have been to many parties, similar. Here's how all of them where handled.
> 
> Those who are guest: The fee is a set fee, which would include the guest of honours meal. CASH BAR. Period.
> 
> ...


Good post, Christine... and as I've reflected on this I do have some 'exceptions' to my thoughts on 'guests' paying toward the tab. 
At first I was simply thinking in terms of a family member or very close friend ( like family) being the guest of honor to which I've organized the party, or where being invited to a party given by the family of the guest of honor. I guess I still can't imagine asking 'guests' to pay toward the party.For instance if my husband planned a party for me... invited guests then expected them to share in the tab would horrify me! 
On the other hand, a circumstance such as a retirement party (and I'm sure there are other certain situations where 'guests' paying toward the event would be fine) However, it would only be acceptable to me done in the way you described above and in fact some time ago did attend such an event that I had forgotten about. It was a retirement and we received the invitation with the set-fee stated in the invitation and the money to be included with the respond if attending. The stated amount included the meals including guest of honor's meal tax and gratuity, gift, and flowers for the tables, and wine carafe/soda pitchers at each table. No money was required to be given at the actual event. In this case, Basically it was all attendees ( co-workers) were 'giving/hosting' the event to honor the guest of honor.


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

Maidto2Maltese said:


> Good post, Christine... and as I've reflected on this I do have some 'exceptions' to my thoughts on 'guests' paying toward the tab.
> At first I was simply thinking in terms of a family member or very close friend ( like family) being the guest of honor to which I've organized the party, or where being invited to a party given by the family of the guest of honor. I guess I still can't imagine asking 'guests' to pay toward the party.For instance if my husband planned a party for me... invited guests then expected them to share in the tab would horrify me!
> On the other hand, a circumstance such as a retirement party (and I'm sure there are other certain situations where 'guests' paying toward the event would be fine) However, it would only be acceptable to me done in the way you described above and in fact some time ago did attend such an event that I had forgotten about. It was a retirement and we received the invitation with the set-fee stated in the invitation and the money to be included with the respond if attending. The stated amount included the meals including guest of honor's meal tax and gratuity, gift, and flowers for the tables, and wine carafe/soda pitchers at each table. No money was required to be given at the actual event. In this case, Basically it was all attendees ( co-workers) were 'giving/hosting' the event to honor the guest of honor.


 
Bingo  That's mostly what I was referring to, retirement parties and things of that nature. But you are right, if I was throwing a party for my husband, I would not expect the guest to pay, but it would be a cash bar, with beer and wine provided free.

I only say that, because with an open bar, WOW some people really get out of hand, amd take advantage, or just don't think about it. And not to be cheap, or go keep the cost down, that's part of it.

Hugs.


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## casa verde maltese (Apr 7, 2007)

I would decline. I agree if you are the host - you should pay. of course chipping in for the b-day person's meal or drinks is one thing but footing the bill for other guest's Exorbitant tastes - not cool. Seriously, what host wants to break the bank of other guests, very thoughtless.

retirement party, etc. - set fee; set menu - different story - people want things outside of that set menu - they pay for those things themselves.


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## The A Team (Dec 1, 2005)

I don't think I could ever invite people to my birthday party and expect them to pay! But I do go out with friends and we split the bill, and we all drink so it always works out fine. I agree, if you don't drink, you shouldn't be expected to help pay the bar tab!

What would probably work out best if the bar bill was kept separate and split by the drinkers in the group.

....oh my friends and I like going to the BYOB places....it's cheaper.


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## Katkoota (Feb 18, 2006)

Sylie said:


> Do any of you experience this new trend in birthday parties?



No. This is not how people do it here. You throw the party, you take care of its payments & make your guests as comfortable as possible. Honestly, it is the first time I read something similar to what you experienced and 'bout to experience if you decided to go, but then maybe it is done differently depending on where you are. i don't know.

For me, that's just .... weird. We just don't do it this way. I got used to the way we do it here so it sounds normal for me that party host pays for the party.


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## *Missy* (Oct 7, 2011)

I would not go either probably. I have never been to one of these parties. But the common thing is to actually break the bill apart I guess you'd say into who bought what. It's not even said weird just is it together or separate and the waitress will give each person their own and spilt the appetizer among all. However I understand the idea of a group of friends going out to dinner and taking on the birthday person's meal but that's different than a party you have been INVITED to. That is strange and I would probably have a heart attack if I was expected to pay my own meal agai party thinking I'd be just paying my part which is fine but then it cost me 175 because bob (not even the birthday guy!)at the end of table keeps drinking and drinking! If it is large party wouldn't it be similar to inviting people over for a party at your house and handing each guest a partial bill for the food and drinks? I think I would be honest amd ask if you can have a bill for just you and your DH or go later on after your "prior commitment" is over. 

I do understand like Pat says that since they all drink and probably eat about the same priced meal it's comes out even but what if I'm on a diet and eat only a salad and water and have to lay for drinks desserts and huge meals for everyone else. The point is even at a party when splitting the guest of honors bill I do not find it appropriate to pay for someone else's indulgence....just being a guest of a party.


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## zooeysmom (Aug 1, 2011)

edelweiss said:


> One idea Sylie is to call the host/hostess (? can you say that if you are all just going out to eat?) and tell them you would love to come, but only if you could have a separate check for your own food/drinks---tell her honestly why. This way you make your point graciously and you don't have to miss out on someone's birthday. Leave it to him/her to decide if you will be attending by their response. Tell them you are okay w/it either way under your circumstances. Tell her this is your new solution to a long-standing problem for you and you will be continuing it in the future w/other people/groups.
> Perhaps this is a bit different, but I NEVER make a purchase at my door or contribute to a charity or political party at my door---not even girl-scout cookies. It is my policy and I don't break it. I do contribute, but it is at my pleasure & not someone's insistence.


:goodpost:Great advice!


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## casa verde maltese (Apr 7, 2007)

Maidto2Maltese said:


> Really not worth puttin on that pantyhose for! :HistericalSmiley:


OH MY , if I'm putting pantyhose on - somebody else better be paying for 
my dinner!!! LOL :w00t::HistericalSmiley:


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

edelweiss said:


> One idea Sylie is to call the host/hostess (? can you say that if you are all just going out to eat?) and tell them you would love to come, but only if you could have a separate check for your own food/drinks*---tell her honestly why*. This way you make your point graciously and you don't have to miss out on someone's birthday. Leave it to him/her to decide if you will be attending by their response. Tell them you are okay w/it either way under your circumstances. Tell her this is your new solution to a long-standing problem for you and you will be continuing it in the future w/other people/groups.
> Perhaps this is a bit different, but I NEVER make a purchase at my door or contribute to a charity or political party at my door---not even girl-scout cookies. It is my policy and I don't break it. I do contribute, but it is at my pleasure & not someone's insistence.


 
Slyia, I do so agee with this, yes be honest. You have a gift, and you may not think you do, in being honest, but in no way being offensive. Oh how I admire that trait.

Anyway, sorry, on my last post, I was thinking about retirement parts, farewell parties and such. 

But yours is a different sort of function and NO WAY should the guest pay. It's just like wedding showers at a resturant, the guest don't pay, you bring your gift, and eat whatever was provided.

I say, guest should not pay at all, a set menu be in order, the guest can pick from 3 choices (this could be in the invitation) and beer and wine included.

I know a "cash" bar may seem tacky, but you have burnt before. Bar tabs can really drive the cost up. There is a way around that, and that would be those throwing the party have the facility alert them when it gets to x dollars for the bar tab. I drink wine at such functions and would never ever expect another guest to have to pay for it.

Bottom line,the person throwing the party should pay for the whole thing. It's a wee more difficult when having it at a resturant, but if they were having it at their house, they would have the food prepared, and available alchol. They would not rush to make something special that the didn't preapre food wise, for a guest who wants something other than what they cooked. It should be no diffent than the one throwing the party at resturant. 

Not to be morbid, but after funerals, there is a lunch or dinner afterwards, those who are attending are not and do not pay the bill. The family or the one who lost their loved one, sets it all up and pays for it. My husband at times, during these type of events, did want to take the bill.

So yes, be honest, so that this occassion and future occassions are handled differently and even correctly. 

Hugs to you.


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## Sylie (Apr 4, 2011)

Katkoota said:


> No. This is not how people do it here. You throw the party, you take care of its payments & make your guests as comfortable as possible. Honestly, it is the first time I read something similar to what you experienced and 'bout to experience if you decided to go, but then maybe it is done differently depending on where you are. i don't know.
> 
> For me, that's just .... weird. We just don't do it this way. I got used to the way we do it here so it sounds normal for me that party host pays for the party.


Well, see I didn't get it either. It is a newish trend here. It is a trend I don't think should be continued...that is my dilemma. Although, I doubt that my objections will change anything. Now, I would not object to going to a pot-luck party and often do. Even so...not a birthday party.


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## edelweiss (Apr 23, 2010)

Sylie said:


> Well, see I didn't get it either. It is a newish trend here. It is a trend I don't think should be continued...that is my dilemma. Although, I doubt that my objections will change anything. Now, I would not object to going to a *pot-luck party* and often do. Even so...not a birthday party.


My DH calls these "hard-luck" parties!:HistericalSmiley::HistericalSmiley:
I think he is spoiled! :wub:


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## Maidto2Maltese (Oct 19, 2004)

casa verde maltese said:


> *OH MY , if I'm putting pantyhose on - somebody else better be paying for *
> *my dinner!!!* LOL :w00t::HistericalSmiley:


Absolutely!!!! :thumbsup::HistericalSmiley:


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## edelweiss (Apr 23, 2010)

who pays if you go w/out the pantyhose? :smrofl:


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

Sylie said:


> Well, see I didn't get it either. It is a newish trend here. It is a trend I don't think should be continued...that is my dilemma. Although, I doubt that my objections will change anything. Now, I would not object to going to a pot-luck party and often do. Even so...not a birthday party.


 
Geez, I didn't know it was a trend, gosh. Do not feel bad about not attending if that is the way it's going to be. If you wish, you can just take the guest of honour out to lunch with just them and you. If not, don't worry about it.

Geez, what a trend, I am so sorry.


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## Maidto2Maltese (Oct 19, 2004)

edelweiss said:


> who pays if you go w/out the pantyhose? :smrofl:


Anybody whose willing!! :thumbsup::yahoo:


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## Sylie (Apr 4, 2011)

Maidto2Maltese said:


> Anybody whose willing!! :thumbsup::yahoo:


Both of you are hilarious! This is how it goes...without PH when you are young: every man in the room fights to pay for you.

Without PH when you are...well not young: they make you pay the whole bill.

Oh, ladies here's another "new" trend...nobody (except for old-fashioned old ladies...ahem) wears PH anymore. Black tights or bare legs. Another dilemma I am wrestling with.:HistericalSmiley:


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

Sylie said:


> Both of you are hilarious! This is how it goes...without PH when you are young: every man in the room fights to pay for you.
> 
> Without PH when you are...well not young: they make you pay the whole bill.
> 
> Oh, ladies here's another "new" trend...nobody (except for old-fashioned old ladies...ahem) wears PH anymore. Black tights or bare legs. Another dilemma I am wrestling with.:HistericalSmiley:


 
LOL at the bare legs :HistericalSmiley: the young ones, bless their souls, try and hold off as long as they can with out PH AND their flip flops. That's there work attire. Gosh, I feel old, but sure glad I am


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## casa verde maltese (Apr 7, 2007)

well - i'm 43 and i rarely wear panty hose.. advantage of living in the SW, I guess.
When i go to D.C. for a congressional visit - i will probably opt. for tights.. or a skirt and boots - where no flesh is shown...


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

casa verde maltese said:


> well - i'm 43 and i rarely wear panty hose.. advantage of living in the SW, I guess.
> When i go to D.C. for a congressional visit - i will probably opt. for tights.. or a skirt and boots - where no flesh is shown...


 
Oh how I wish I could. I am as white as a ghost LOL. Someday, I know I will be just like my Grandma (Rest in Peace to the best lady in the world), who wore the knee highs that did quite go all the way up with a house dress. Now that is a Grandma :wub:


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## casa verde maltese (Apr 7, 2007)

i'm 1/4 native american - so I'm never white/white..


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

casa verde maltese said:


> i'm 1/4 native american - so I'm never white/white..


Bless your heart!!!! And good for you. And if I were like you, I wouldn't wear them either, in the warmer weather here. I'm a red head, so you can imagine how fare I am :blush:


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## RudyRoo (Jun 24, 2011)

First of all, this thread is hilarious.

Second of all, I too find it inconsiderate to expect that guests share expenses in that manner. Before I moved out of Houston that was not something I would have ever considered (the whole sharing the bill thing), but after moving to NYC and out of the Houston bubble I had lived in my whole life, I found that was a very common occurrence amongst the friends I met there. Everywhere we went it was just assumed that the bill would be shared, "because it's easier that way" they would say on the few occasions where I dared ask why they did this. I guess in some cases that was probably true because most places wouldn't even split checks. I was shocked. Although, I was typically never in a situation where one person was drinking more than the other so it didn't cause too many problems. Now when it comes to a large group of people like you describe, that is a whole different story. If that were me, I would probably express that concern ahead of time and if it could not be avoided then I would not attend.

If I'm going to be paying upwards of $100 for a meal it's going to be at a restaurant of MY choosing, for a meal I crave, with a group of people I CHOOSE to be with, and a bottle of wine I enjoy. I work hard for my money, I can't just be buying every Tom, Dick, or Harry I meet a bottle of gross wine.


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## allheart (Oct 3, 2008)

RudyRoo said:


> First of all, this thread is hilarious.
> 
> Second of all, I too find it inconsiderate to expect that guests share expenses in that manner. Before I moved out of Houston that was not something I would have ever considered (the whole sharing the bill thing), but after moving to NYC and out of the Houston bubble I had lived in my whole life, I found that was a very common occurrence amongst the friends I met there. Everywhere we went it was just assumed that the bill would be shared, "because it's easier that way" they would say on the few occasions where I dared ask why they did this. I guess in some cases that was probably true because most places wouldn't even split checks. I was shocked. Although, I was typically never in a situation where one person was drinking more than the other so it didn't cause too many problems. Now when it comes to a large group of people like you describe, that is a whole different story. If that were me, I would probably express that concern ahead of time and if it could not be avoided then I would not attend.
> 
> If I'm going to be paying upwards of $100 for a meal it's going to be at a restaurant of MY choosing, for a meal I crave, with a group of people I CHOOSE to be with, and a bottle of wine I enjoy. I work hard for my money, I can't just be buying every Tom, Dick, or Harry I meet a bottle of gross wine.


I do agree, if everyone, let's say from work decided to go to lunch, you split the bill. But this is so different. How do you throw a party, and expect the guest to pay :blink: That's almost like being invited to a wedding an expecting to help foot help foot the bill as a guest....oh please don't tell me that is the next trend :blink:


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## spookiesmom (Mar 28, 2010)

I'm late on this, I think it's rude and tacky. Call the host, say you will be paying your own bill. If the host has a problem, explain nicely why you wish to do so. If host still has a problem, then maybe they aren't the friends you thought they were.


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## chichi (Apr 12, 2007)

I agree,that it is tacky to invite people to a party and expect them to pay. If I invite people out to a restaurant as my guest I pay. If i have a party at home and guests offer to bring a dish I let them. I guess things have changed today and not all for the better. JMO!!


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## Snowball Pie's Mommi (Oct 16, 2008)

spookiesmom said:


> I'm late on this, I think it's rude and tacky. Call the host, say you will be paying your own bill. If the host has a problem, explain nicely why you wish to do so. If host still has a problem, then maybe they aren't the friends you thought they were.


In this area of the country, many restaurants will not split the bill for diners with a large party reservation. Maybe Mom and Pop restaurants might because they often they have a smaller dining capacity. 

When I was nineteen, I worked as a hostess/manager for an upscale restaurant in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, I am aware that sometimes, when there is a large party reservation, and bills are split amongst diners ... the waiter can be unfairly cheated out of a well earned tip. When this happened, the restaurant itself, would compensate the waiter with cash for the hard work that he had done. But, how many restaurants are willing to do that? And, then, how long do they keep great waiters when there are cheap tippers for large party reservations? Now many of the restaurants in this area, for this reason, automatically add gratuities to the check. (this will be posted on the menu) It can be argued, I suppose, that a waiter might provide poor service ... but, I would think then that a reputable restaurant would take care of it's diners for the poor service. 

Sylvia, have you made a final decision as to what you will do?


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## Madison's Mom (Dec 26, 2007)

Each person paying their own way is reasonable; however, if I were having a party at a restaurant, I would certainly pay the bill for my guests. I would just decline the invitation and if asked, would express my opinion about these party arrangements. It's not really a party if you're watching what all the guests are indulging in that you're going to have to help pay for!

Like Leigh, I'm from Texas and I have never run into a situation like this.


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## CeeCee's Mom (Sep 14, 2006)

It is not proper to do that!! Period!!! I would not go, make an excuse and not go. I don't think I would say anything either.

I have a better one for you. My husband and I attended a birthday party at a restaurant, small gathering of 25 people or so and when the meal was over and everyone had an after dinner drink, they all got up and left. The waitress was running after them and my husband turned around to ask what is wrong and he was presented with the check for everyone and he paid it with the large tip and never got reinbursed!!! Yes, it was his family and I just shook my head. We did not plan it nor did we have anything to do with it but just showed up. It never ceases to amaze me what people will do.....just put space between you and them!!! So sorry!!!


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## casa verde maltese (Apr 7, 2007)

CeeCee's Mom said:


> It is not proper to do that!! Period!!! I would not go, make an excuse and not go. I don't think I would say anything either.
> 
> I have a better one for you. My husband and I attended a birthday party at a restaurant, small gathering of 25 people or so and when the meal was over and everyone had an after dinner drink, they all got up and left. The waitress was running after them and my husband turned around to ask what is wrong and he was presented with the check for everyone and he paid it with the large tip and never got reinbursed!!! Yes, it was his family and I just shook my head. We did not plan it nor did we have anything to do with it but just showed up. It never ceases to amaze me what people will do.....just put space between you and them!!! So sorry!!!


OH MY STARS!!:w00t:


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## mfa (Oct 5, 2009)

i think its tacky and inconsiderate, i would not bother going. if you are good friends with the ppl, you can always make arrangements to see them at another time. :thumbsup:


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## CloudClan (Jan 31, 2007)

bellaratamaltese said:


> this is a good topic! Personally, I don't mind being expected to pay for what I ordered at a party/function - but since I don't drink, I am not a fan of just splitting the bill when there is a bunch of expensive alcohol included on the tab. I find that part a bit unfair.
> 
> If it were me, I'd just say I was busy but definitely do what you are comfortable with!


I feel the same way. I don't drink often in groups like this for a variety of reasons and so it can end up being much more expensive for those of us who have not taken advantage of the wine and spirits than what we actually partake in. 



The A Team said:


> I don't think I could ever invite people to my birthday party and expect them to pay! But I do go out with friends and we split the bill, and we all drink so it always works out fine. I agree, if you don't drink, you shouldn't be expected to help pay the bar tab!
> 
> What would probably work out best if the bar bill was kept separate and split by the drinkers in the group.
> 
> ....oh my friends and I like going to the BYOB places....it's cheaper.


I think this is a good plan for something like that, don't ask the waiter to do separate checks, which can get so involved, but instead separate the checks by food, and by drinks, then it can be divided in a more equal way.


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## iheartbisou (Feb 13, 2007)

CeeCee's Mom said:


> It is not proper to do that!! Period!!! I would not go, make an excuse and not go. I don't think I would say anything either.
> 
> I have a better one for you. My husband and I attended a birthday party at a restaurant, small gathering of 25 people or so and when the meal was over and everyone had an after dinner drink, they all got up and left. The waitress was running after them and my husband turned around to ask what is wrong and he was presented with the check for everyone and he paid it with the large tip and never got reinbursed!!! Yes, it was his family and I just shook my head. We did not plan it nor did we have anything to do with it but just showed up. It never ceases to amaze me what people will do.....just put space between you and them!!! So sorry!!!


wow, people have some nerve, don't they?? wow.

I agree with what Dianne and Brit said, I wouldn't go but I would tell them why too, that it's just not proper etiquette. 

I went to a dinner birthday party not so long ago- about 50 people were there..but what the hostess did was plan a special menu with the chef and restaurant for everyone (everyone had two choices of what to eat and it was a 4 course meal) and wine/drinks were included- and yes everyone did have to pay their own share but it was a fixed price (which was reasonable)....I think this sort of arrangement is more fair to everyone.

Actually, I think this is the proper thing (having a prix-fixed menu) to do if the host isn't willing to pay for everyone. Splitting the checks later is cumbersome and a bit tacky (with a large party)...so it's really the hostess' responsibility to arrange something like this with the restaurant beforehand. imo. 

But not just off the menu- and while you're eating a salad and mineral water- the people next to you are having filet and chateau la tour and expecting everyone to share the bill. ummm- no thank you.


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## vjw (Dec 20, 2006)

I grew up in a culture quite different from most and the etiquette is different here than most areas of the country. That said, I really don't mind paying for a meal at a restaurant if it's the birthday of a family member or a *good* friend. I think if I were invited to a birthday party for someone I didn't care that much for and it would bother me to spend the $$$ for the meal, I would decline the invitation.

What does get under my skin is to be invited to a potluck, be it for any type of celebration, and to be told what dish to bring. For goodness sakes, it really doesn't matter if there's more appetizers or more desserts, it's the fellowship at the gathering which is important. 

Joy


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