# Blues about birthdays



## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

When you are young, birthdays are not going by fast enough, you cannot wait to get a year older. And you celebrate.
But then there comes the time when birthdays go by too fast. You want to stop the clock but can't. You are not in the mood to celebrate anymore. You stop counting. 
As long as you are in good health, you don't mind people wishing you a happy birthday. But when you are old *AND* *sick*, and heartbroken about something and cannot enjoy your birthday anymore it feels kind of hypocritical when people wish you a happy birthday. 
So when I know someone who is old and sick or heartbroken, I have a hard time wishing them a happy birthday. 
Has anybody else thought about this ?


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## pammy4501 (Aug 8, 2007)

No I do not feel that way at all. Life is something to cherish as long as we have it. The challenge in life is to find meaning, and celebrating what we can is part of that. When we are babies our circle is small and it grows larger and larger as we grow up and have more friends and experiences. But as we age and slow down our circle starts to contract again. The mark of a life well lived is to find value and joy even when our circle is small. And to that I say celebrate every birthday and holiday's and special occasions as much as possible. Lets be frank. The alternative to having birthdays isn't very exciting either.


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

pammy4501 said:


> No I do not feel that way at all. Life is something to cherish as long as we have it. The challenge in life is to find meaning, and celebrating what we can is part of that. When we are babies our circle is small and it grows larger and larger as we grow up and have more friends and experiences. But as we age and slow down our circle starts to contract again. *The mark of a life well lived is to find value and joy* even when our circle is small. And to that I say celebrate every birthday and holiday's and special occasions as much as possible. Lets be frank. The alternative to having birthdays isn't very exciting either.


But can you find value and joy when you are sick and heartbroken ? As an example : my brother in law was admitted to the hospital the day of his wife's birthday. Instead of celebrating, she spend the day in the hospital and her husband died 3 months later. It's touchy for me to wish her a Happy Birthday when I know that this day brings back only bad memories.


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## Matilda's mommy (Jun 1, 2005)

Janine, I LOVE having my birthday:chili: I love the phone calls, the cards and on occasion a surprise party:chili: I know I think like a child, and you know that's ok with me. When I start to worry life becomes to much for me, so I hand it over to God, and I go back to being that kid at heart. Lol I love celebrating others birth days, I'm celebrating their life, my hubby and I call each of our kids and grandkids on their birthday and sing the birthday song to them, they have shared with us that they look forward to our call. I make sure to always remember to send a card and a small gift to them also, I want them to realize just how special their life is to me. Marie (Snowball's mommy) calls me on my big day, she sings the birthday song to me:wub: twice I wasn't close to my phone and missed her call, but that's ok, I have her on my voicemail singing to me:wub: 
To often life brings us down, feeling helpless, feeling alone, aches and pains trying to drag me down, l don't want that, I want to see life and experience all I can for now. When the day comes that I don't enjoy having a birthday, or not calling others and celebrating their birth days, it's time for me to look forward to going home(heaven)
So for me every morning I thank God for a new day down here. good or bad I'm still up right and breathing. lol

I want to answer your question to Pam, excuse me Pam for stepping in

I know it's hard to celebrate a birthday for some because of things that weren't so happy on their special day, if it were me I would tell your sister in law that you are celebrating her, not the day. Everyone wants to be loved and cared about, they want to feel their life is worth something to someone.
I love you dear friend


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## Summergirl73 (Sep 18, 2011)

I kind of see where you are coming from on this one Janine. Not surprising since I'm a true Gemini and I see pretty much everything from both ends of the spectrum  lol. Anyway, while I agree that birthdays are a blessing to be cherished, sometimes they truly do not seem that way. We have a Grandmother that will be 93 in November. She was brilliantly healthy and happy until about 1 year ago. Now she is suffering. Slow death is an evil process to watch .... especially when it's someone you love so much. So while we wish her a happy day each day (because we truly want her to be happy and healthy), we also to some degree resent that she is here ... because it is now a painful existence mentally and physically for her. We do still somehow find ways to sneak joy in to her life though. Like yesterday for instance. We snuck a box of pizza in to the nursing home and let her go for it! She was overjoyed! You can see the pic on my FB page - she was one happy lady for those few minutes. Those minutes matter more than they ever did before. Anyway, I guess my response is Happy Birthday is because that's what you want for them, not necessarily what you expect to be actuality  .


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## maggieh (Dec 16, 2007)

MalteseJane said:


> But can you find value and joy when you are sick and heartbroken ? As an example : my brother in law was admitted to the hospital the day of his wife's birthday. Instead of celebrating, she spend the day in the hospital and her husband died 3 months later. It's touchy for me to wish her a Happy Birthday when I know that this day brings back only bad memories.


How do you know it only brings back bad memories? Maybe it causes her to reflect with joy and love on the life they had together? Yes, it brings sadness because he left too soon, but do you really think that she doesn't want people to acknowledge her birthday (or their anniversary or his birthday or any other milestones for that matter)?

If you are uncomfortable saying "happy" birthday, please at least wish her birthday blessings or tell her you are thinking of her. And DO NOT forget to honor and remember the person who is very sick. Years ago my niece had a cerebral hemorrhage when she was 13 and had a very difficult 6 years before she passed away. The VERY WORST thing that happened was when people failed to acknowledge her on her birthdays and at the holidays and it was almost always because they were too uncomfortable themselves - after all, how do you say "happy" birthday to a 14 year old who is coming out of a coma or to a 16 year old who can't walk anymore, let alone drive???? To follow your train of thought, this birthday can't be happy because she is no longer a beautiful child running and playing. How can she or her parents and family possibly want anyone to say "happy" birthday?

That hurt my brother and his family deeply - that others were so selfish in their own discomfort they didn't reach out to the family and say "I know this is a difficult day - thinking of you with love" or say to my niece (who could still hear and communicate, by the way) "Just taking the time on your special day to say that I'm thinking of you, sweet girl." 

I'm passionate about this because I have experienced it first hand. By appropriately acknowledging a birthday, especially when there is sadness or grief, you are telling them that you care. Ignoring it, to me, shows that you are too worried about your own discomfort to reach out to the person who needs your support. If you are uncertain on what to say, ask them. Saying nothing hurts.


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## Furbabies mom (Jul 25, 2011)

Life is difficult at times, a lot of ups and downs, but that is how life is. Death and illness are part of life. We can help someone through hard times by even the smallest things... A big smile, a hug, and wishing someone Happy Birthday. 
I've had my share of sadness in my life, but it doesn't help me or my loved ones to ignore these things or spread doom and gloom. Life goes on, and my philosophy is to look at the good things, and to be thankful for each and every day.


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## Trisha (Aug 8, 2014)

Furbabies mom said:


> Life is difficult at times, a lot of ups and downs, but that is how life is. Death and illness are part of life. We can help someone through hard times by even the smallest things... A big smile, a hug, and wishing someone Happy Birthday.
> I've had my share of sadness in my life, but it doesn't help me or my loved ones to ignore these things or spread doom and gloom. Life goes on, and my philosophy is to look at the good things, and to be thankful for each and every day.


 :goodpost: 
Very well said!


I wake up each day and feel grateful! I am a very positive person, I work at it daily! I also might add that I wished there were more positive & kinder answers on here (not this post, but others in general). 

There are always ways to help and get the message across without being rude or unkind to others! Keep it positive in your life and you will be happier!


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## mdbflorida (Feb 28, 2013)

I think you have to look at it as a celebration of the time you have had and yes it has good and bad moments but each moment shapes who you are. Guess I just don't think about it. And it is one day you can hopefully show someone they do matter.


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## pammy4501 (Aug 8, 2007)

MalteseJane said:


> But can you find value and joy when you are sick and heartbroken ? As an example : my brother in law was admitted to the hospital the day of his wife's birthday. Instead of celebrating, she spend the day in the hospital and her husband died 3 months later. It's touchy for me to wish her a Happy Birthday when I know that this day brings back only bad memories.


Although that is a sad story, I would still celebrate her birthday with her. Help her to reminisce about her happier memories of the day and let her know she is still important in her own right! Celebrate the good times.


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## shellbeme (Mar 1, 2011)

We need more reasons to celebrate. It can still be a wonderful day if you help make it that way. Does anyone do anything for her? Bake her a cake!  Or, order an ice cream cake!


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

maggieh said:


> How do you know it only brings back bad memories? Maybe it causes her to reflect with joy and love on the life they had together? Yes, it brings sadness because he left too soon, but do you really think that she doesn't want people to acknowledge her birthday (or their anniversary or his birthday or any other milestones for that matter)?
> 
> If you are uncomfortable saying "happy" birthday, please at least wish her birthday blessings or tell her you are thinking of her. And DO NOT forget to honor and remember the person who is very sick. Years ago my niece had a cerebral hemorrhage when she was 13 and had a very difficult 6 years before she passed away. The VERY WORST thing that happened was when people failed to acknowledge her on her birthdays and at the holidays and it was almost always because they were too uncomfortable themselves - after all, how do you say "happy" birthday to a 14 year old who is coming out of a coma or to a 16 year old who can't walk anymore, let alone drive???? To follow your train of thought, this birthday can't be happy because she is no longer a beautiful child running and playing. How can she or her parents and family possibly want anyone to say "happy" birthday?
> 
> ...


I am not ignoring her birthday. I call her and talk to her and that's why I know she is not happy. I call her all the time not only on her birthday. Birthdays and Holidays are hard on people who lost a loved one especially if the loss is recent. I have no problem wishing a healthy and happy person a Happy Birthday no matter their age. But when you know that the person is unhappy and has a good reason to be unhappy, I find it kind of hypocritical and uncaring to tell them "Happy".


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

Furbabies mom said:


> Life is difficult at times, a lot of ups and downs, but that is how life is. Death and illness are part of life. We can help someone through hard times by even the smallest things... A big smile, a hug, and wishing someone Happy Birthday.
> I've had my share of sadness in my life, but it doesn't help me or my loved ones to ignore these things or spread doom and gloom. Life goes on, and my philosophy is to look at the good things, and to be thankful for each and every day.


I know Debbie. But not everybody reacts the same way. My sister in law after 2 years still goes everyday to the cemetery. She is 75 years old and friends and family dying around her one after the other is not helping. Saturday they buried another one of her sister in law. At that age you start thinking who is going to be the next one. I have a different belief than she has and it helps me to get over a loss somewhat easier. I have tried to help her in her grief but she is set in her ways. We were a big family and now almost everybody is gone.


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

shellbeme said:


> We need more reasons to celebrate. It can still be a wonderful day if you help make it that way. Does anyone do anything for her? Bake her a cake!  Or, order an ice cream cake!


Oh yes, all those left who live close by come together with her on that day. They have coffee, wine and cake. But every year there is another one missing. So it's kind of a happy and sad reunion.


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## Snowbody (Jan 3, 2009)

pammy4501 said:


> No I do not feel that way at all. Life is something to cherish as long as we have it. The challenge in life is to find meaning, and celebrating what we can is part of that. When we are babies our circle is small and it grows larger and larger as we grow up and have more friends and experiences. But as we age and slow down our circle starts to contract again. The mark of a life well lived is to find value and joy even when our circle is small. And to that I say celebrate every birthday and holiday's and special occasions as much as possible. Lets be frank. The alternative to having birthdays isn't very exciting either.





Furbabies mom said:


> Life is difficult at times, a lot of ups and downs, but that is how life is. Death and illness are part of life. We can help someone through hard times by even the smallest things... A big smile, a hug, and wishing someone Happy Birthday.
> I've had my share of sadness in my life, but it doesn't help me or my loved ones to ignore these things or spread doom and gloom. Life goes on, and my philosophy is to look at the good things, and to be thankful for each and every day.


I agree with these posts. I feel like there are a lot of people sick or hurting in their hearts and bodies and sometimes it's the Happy Birthday call or card that helps them get through another hour, another day. It could even make a bigger difference if someone has suicidal thoughts...just reaching out to them and celebrating their existence which is their birth-day.

My friend's b'day is 9/11. It's been so hard for her to "celebrate" it especially since she lives in the NY NJ area. The first couple of years were really hard and she would celebrate her birthday on another day, but she got past it. I think people are increasingly un-personal these days doing so much with multi media platforms that we forget the power in simple words like Happy Birthday.


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## littlefluffbabies (Apr 17, 2013)

Sometimes it's helpful to color a bad memory with good ones. It doesn't have to be a sad day.


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## edelweiss (Apr 23, 2010)

Janine, I appreciate the thought you have put into this. It is easy to ride rough-shod over other people's feelings because we are not like that. Being positive is a good thing, but positive people sometimes have difficulty seeing dark shadows---through no fault of their own, of course---that is just how it is.
In Germany we always celebrated someone's leaving (if they were moving) and I think the same kind of thinking could be applicable here---given some thought. You have been given some good ideas and I am sure you can find some ways of your own to celebrate life w/your SIL or others who need encouragement, but not disregard the sadness that seems overwhelming. Sometimes just speaking something aloud allows that person to discharge some of the surrounding emotion---such as "I know this doesn't feel like a happy day to you because of what you are going through but . . ."
You can also say "I have no idea how you must be feeling . . . I wish I could make it a happy day for you somehow."
Just ignoring things doesn't usually help them get better.
Good luck as you process---bless you!


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## zooeysmom (Aug 1, 2011)

Janine, I completely understand what you're saying.

Sandi, welcome back!!


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## MalteseObsessed (Mar 7, 2010)

Janine I kind get what you are talking about... and grieving is much harder for some then others.

My birthday is also marred with much sadness as I lost my older brother who shares a birthday one day after mine. Both my parents are still very heartbroken as am i over his passing and it has been many years after his tragic death.

My mom calls me with her cheeriest voice to wish me happy birthday and we begin the call cheerfully and then somehow the tears start flowing and we grieve over her sadness for her first born son, who was my soul mate and best friend. ~~ the loss is very very prevalent in our lives 

I still appreciate her cheery call each year and together we talk about old memories when we were younger and my brother was alive. The sadness is overwhelming, and now that my folks are technically elderly (they hate that word), their own health issues and pondering their own mortality with each passing birthday.

If I call my mom on her birthday and she is BLUE and SAD, then I don't fake a cheery birthday but let her just vent, be scared of her own mortality and cry too if that is what she feels. 

On those sadder birthdays, we choose to wish each other a Healthy Loving Birthday and I wait for the birthday blues to pass and cheer her up afterwards! 

I wish I had a sister like you, who has wonderful empathy for what your sister feels with each birthday. She is blessed to have you caring for her genuine feelings.

Hugs Janine!


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

On a lighter note :HistericalSmiley:here is what happened to me years ago on one of my birthdays.

Get a phone call and a lady is on the line wanting to sell me a cemetery plot :HistericalSmiley:told her I am not ready to die yet :HistericalSmiley:


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## maggieh (Dec 16, 2007)

MalteseJane said:


> On a lighter note :HistericalSmiley:here is what happened to me years ago on one of my birthdays.
> 
> Get a phone call and a lady is on the line wanting to sell me a cemetery plot :HistericalSmiley:told her I am not ready to die yet :HistericalSmiley:


Nice timing!

The past few years, I've been getting "Happy Birthday" emails from my gastroenterologist. That just seems wrong.


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## Snowbody (Jan 3, 2009)

maggieh said:


> Nice timing!
> 
> The past few years, I've been getting "Happy Birthday" emails from my gastroenterologist. That just seems wrong.


:w00t::w00t::HistericalSmiley::HistericalSmiley:


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## zooeysmom (Aug 1, 2011)

LOL Maggie. That is kind of bizarre :eek2_gelb2:


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