# Ok here it goes...long post



## Leanne (Sep 6, 2012)

So I have been here for a while....read every day and sometimes when I am brave will share a post. I read all about your days, your families, your fluffs and share in your joys and tears from all aspects of your lives.

Today I will share a little of my world...I am sorry I have been a little silent but I am a little slower to pick up on the cyber community. But I now feel you are my kindred friends.

My Mom, we call her Marski (name is Marilyn, Mn law all things must end in ski) moved in with us after all the kids flew the nest, summer 2011. In 12/11 Mom went in for a pre-op exam for a spine surgery. They found lung cancer in her chest x-ray. Oh crap! Of course life got crazy. But the good news was it was a stage I with no mets. I am a nurse who happens to work with one of the best Thoracic Surgeons in the state. His group led her care team and WE All knew she would beat the odds. Big surgery no chemo....fantastic recovery. And she did! Walked 1 year to the date in the Breath of Hope 5 mile here in MPLS. I was so proud! 

Fast forward to this Nov 2013. Marski went in and had the double lumbar fusion she was hoping for. She has been in chronic pain her whole adult life thanks to her pregnancy with me (guilt) but never really ever complains, so I was happy that I could be here and help her through this next hurdle. And of course the there is always the scans every 3 months, which she always comes through with flying colors.

So today I posted again that beautiful tree that always seems to bring me calm and clarity when I need it. The last scan was on tuesday.......lymph nodes around her aorta lit up. Biopsy Wednesday, and yesterday Dr Grazchek gave me the call that I have dreaded. And just after the post this morning.... I told my Mommy that with a few rounds of chemo and radiation we will have a good 12-14 months together. I will be here with you on your Journey to Sacred ground. 

Next Monday the new game plan begins. I wish for your prayers, grace and strength as I take her hand on the next voyage. Right now I just want to climb into a hole and scream!

Of course she is insisting that we attend Nationals! We have a great rally team in place and beds to sleep 8 in our home. All are spoken for the next 3 weeks. I still have not made my decision if I will attend. A little more prayer and meditation will give me the answer.

Thank you for listening....hard to talk but easier to type. Please keep us in your prayers.


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## nwyant1946 (Jan 2, 2013)

*I'm so so sorry for all that you are going through. Your Mom is very lucky to have you. My prayers are with you. All of us here will be praying for you.*


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## Furbabies mom (Jul 25, 2011)

I'm so sorry about your Mom. You and she will both will be in my prayers.


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## The A Team (Dec 1, 2005)

Leanne, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's health. She has a long road to go through. You will be there for the entire way.....take this little bit of time for yourself...let's all meet and enjoy each other's company. 


Things won't change in the next few weeks...right? I vote for you to make the trip. It'll do you good.


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## IzzysBellasMom (Jan 16, 2013)

So sorry to hear about your mom, we are also going into the third round of cancer surgery and treatments for my father in law. Third different place it rears its ugly head. I feel your pain and prayers go out to you and your mom.


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## blueyedmomshell (Mar 31, 2013)

Cancer sucks! I'm so sorry about your mom...will keep all in my prayers!!!


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## maggie's mommy (Mar 12, 2006)

I'm so sorry that your Mom is going through this and send lots of prayers her way (and yours too). I agree with Pat, you are in for a long haul and why not make this trip while you still have the freedom to do it.


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## sherry (Jan 4, 2013)

Leanne, I'm so sorry for your pain. I went thru this same diagnosis with my father. I suggest you take Pat's advise and take a little time for yourself now. It is a journey that we can look back on later in our life and be proud of our parent and ourself for having such strength to do what we have been given. Prayers and hugs girl!


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## MalteseJane (Nov 21, 2004)

So sorry to hear about your mom. If it's alright with her, you should go to the Nationals. You have a hard time in front of you and this might be the last time in a while that you can relax and enjoy yourself.


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## Sylie (Apr 4, 2011)

One day during the months I cared for my mother while she went through the phases of a terminal brain tumor...one day I was just walking up the stairs, when I just started screaming. I screamed and cried (and scared the poop out of the rest of my family) got up, pulled myself together and found the strength to carry on. 

Go ahead and scream. If you had plans to go to Nationals, do it. It is only four days. If you deny yourself, your mom will feel guilty. Do it for her. You need all the strength you can muster, and a couple of days away can do that for you. Plus, you will meet me and I can hug you in person. 

The tree is serene.


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## maggieh (Dec 16, 2007)

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I walked that journey with my own mom a few years ago until God called her home. May you continue to have many laughs, tears, and wonderful memories that sustain you. Praying for strength for you both!


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## CorkieYorkie (Apr 10, 2012)

I am so sorry to hear this... prayers for you and your mom, she is lucky to have such a great daughter!


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## dntdelay (May 27, 2011)

I am sorry to hear about your mom, but I think that you need to go to Nationals to get some time off of all of the worrying.


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## ladodd (Jan 8, 2012)

So sorry about your Mommy. I hope that you will go to Nationals and have a great time. I wish I was going so I could give you a hug.


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## Leanne (Sep 6, 2012)

Funny, I do not feel like talking to Mn friends right now....I just do not have the words or the answers that they want. You gals just feel so safe right now. I am spent. Have not slept in 3 days. I have been surgery on call nights the last week and of course...have been called in the last 3 nights on hard long cases. I got off at 7am this morning and drove home in a raging snow storm to tell Mom the news. Then off to the appointments and MD planning sessions. 

I finally climbed into bed at 4pm, slept 15 mins and woke myself with the most gut wrenching uncontrollable sobbing I have ever experienced. It is the first time I cried since this whole ordeal began a few years back. I got up and went to my Mom's bed and she held me in her arms for over an hour while I cried like a baby. I have not been there since I was a young girl. Oh Sylvia you are so right...it felt fantastic. I have been holding this in for way to long. The Malt and the Tzu in this story were right there with us licking away our tears. These two little fluffs are going to have very big roles in this story.

Thanks to you all for your advice, hugs and prayers. I'm sure I will need your insight as we go on. I think you are right....I should go! I can come back renewed and ready for the next leg of this journey. Hugs and peace back to you all, and for those in Orlando, you better run because I am coming for you! :sLo_grouphug3:


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## socalyte (Nov 15, 2010)

Oh Leanne, I'm so sorry. Your whole family will be in my fervent prayers. I do hope you attend Nationals just because it's a fun time that will give you something to look forward to. However, either way I'm sure everyone understands.


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## Leanne (Sep 6, 2012)

socalyte said:


> Oh Leanne, I'm so sorry. Your whole family will be in my fervent prayers. I do hope you attend Nationals just because it's a fun time that will give you something to look forward to. However, either way I'm sure everyone understands.


Jackie! I was just reading your post. Pneumonia is horrible! So sorry and hope they got you on some good ABX! Praying you get better soon so you can get your hug too! Those little fluffs just do seem to know what to do in a crisis huh?


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## Rin (Feb 6, 2013)

Thoughts and prayers are with you from a fellow MN.
Go and have some fun like everyone else is saying 
Mom needs you to go.


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## KAG (Jun 1, 2006)

Oh Leanne! You must feel like a new person after getting it all out. Yes, it's hard. I also was my Mom's primary caregiver. I wouldn't have had it any other way, yet, sometimes I didn't know which way was up. You and your Mom are so lucky to have each other. 

Please go to Nationals. As long as your Mom is safe, go have fun, guilt free. 
Xoxoxoxoxooxo


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## Leanne (Sep 6, 2012)

Rin said:


> Thoughts and prayers are with you from a fellow MN.
> Go and have some fun like everyone else is saying
> Mom needs you to go.


Thank you Corrine my fellow MN! My 1st on SM. You know I never thought that she may need her space right now as well....


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## silverhaven (Sep 6, 2009)

I am with Pat on this too. So sorry to hear all you have ahead. It is so awful seeing our loved ones hurting, but caregivers are better when they can take time for themselves also :grouphug:


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## Zoe's Mom88 (Apr 25, 2011)

Leanne, so very sorry you and your Mom are going through this. It's so difficult watching our loved ones not well and being the caregiver is difficult. 

I think you should go with your heart in whether you go to the National's or not, there is no right or wrong on whatever you decide. My prayers are with you both.


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## Maglily (Feb 3, 2009)

I'm so sorry about your mom and I'm glad you are feeling better. She sounds like a wonderful mother and you are lucky to be together. If you haven't met other sm members yet, you will treasure the experience.


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## preisa (Mar 7, 2013)

I am so sorry for your mom...the journey ahead will be a time to make special memories and you will have that precious time to speak your heart to your mom. I lost my mother 28 years ago...massive heart attack...died instantly....one day she was there...the next day my best friend in the whole world was suddenly ...gone. I lift you both up in prayer! Hugs coming your way!


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## Summergirl73 (Sep 18, 2011)

Lifting up a prayer for you.


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## edelweiss (Apr 23, 2010)

Sending only hugs and wishes for a blessed time w/your mom in her lingering years! May God grant you wisdom & strength as you care for her.


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## lynda (Oct 11, 2005)

I am so sorry for you and your mom. It has certainly been a rough road you are both traveling. You are the caregiver and first and formost you must take care of your self or you will not be able to care for your mom or anyone else. I am sure you probably already know that. Take some time for yourself, go to Nationals. We would all love to meet you. We can laugh and cry together and then you will have a little more strength when you go home to walk the next mile.

Sending you and your mom positive thoughts and prayersrayer:rayer:rayer:


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## Yogi's Mom (Jan 6, 2013)

*I To Have been there with Family Members. I WIll Be praying For Your Mom*
*And You. Theres Power in Our Prayers. Here You both will Have Many.*
*Nickee in Pa**


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## Leanne (Sep 6, 2012)

KAG said:


> Oh Leanne! You must feel like a new person after getting it all out. Yes, it's hard. I also was my Mom's primary caregiver. I wouldn't have had it any other way, yet, sometimes I didn't know which way was up. You and your Mom are so lucky to have each other.
> 
> Please go to Nationals. As long as your Mom is safe, go have fun, guilt free.
> Xoxoxoxoxooxo


Kerry, you are so right! Yesterday I felt like a deflated ballon. I finally got some sleep last night.....and Praise the Lord! my pager did not go off!

I helped my Father leave this earth 10 years back. (they divorced when I was a child, brother deceased). It was the most amazing experience. Just me and my Dad. 

This morning all the snow has melted on "my tree" the sun is shining and all the robins are flitting about. It sounds like a bird symphony in my back yard! Allowing myself to let this all out, Finally! has been very cathartic.

I have set up a Skype acct on my Mom's computer so we can talk to her while we are gone. So I think it will all be ok. John and I have not had a real vacation together since 2007. Too long! The plan was a 16 day driving trip. And I think we are sticking to the plan. I could always hop a flight if needed to get back quick. 

Thanks for the kind words.....I can see clearly now....today is a brighter.. sun shiny day...


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## Daisy's Mommie (Sep 24, 2012)

We went through this with my precious Mother 4 years ago. Everyone is right. Take this time for yourself, enjoy it to the fullest and when you get back, you will be energized to help your Mom. Sending you prayers and hugs for the long journey ahead. Know that there are many here keeping you and your Mom close in our hearts and prayers.


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## Snowbody (Jan 3, 2009)

Leanne - I'm so sorry about your mom. :smcry: It's so hard to see those we love going through illness. Remember that every day they come up with new cancer treatments; my friend with stage 4 cancer in her breast and lungs is now cancer-free within a year with chemo meds that weren't used 2 years ago. 

Taking care of a mom we love is very special. We were always the daughters and they were our caregivers...suddenly the roles reverse and we realize what a responsibility we need to take on. Your mom is so lucky to have you.:wub: When my mom went through heart disease I was her primary caregiver and I know it took a toll on me. She was the best mom in the world and we talked every day at least once a day often more. I wish that I encouraged her to have a bucket list though I guess 90's a little old for one of those. :HistericalSmiley: Taking care of her was an honor, but realistically it's very draining. So I'm glad that you and your DH are still planning on Nationals. You will be renewed and refreshed to carry on. And I know your mom will be happy not to feel like she's ruining your plans. Good moms just are that way. :thumbsup: I can't wait to meet you in Orlando and give you a :smootch:


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## maltese manica (Nov 6, 2012)

I'm sorry that you are going through this!!! Prayers to you and your mom


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## sophiesmom (Apr 21, 2006)

Oh Leanne, I am so sorry about your mom. Although losing someone to cancer is never easy, for you at least you know the time you have and enjoy every minute. Lost my mom 13 years ago, really quick, and didn't get the chance to tell her good by or I love you. She was on a respirator and couldn't hear us. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.....


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## TLR (Nov 13, 2011)

Leanne, I am so sorry to hear this and want you to know that both you and your mom will be in my prayers as you go through uncertain times together.


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## cheekyradish (Mar 24, 2013)

Leanne, I am so sorry for what you and your mom are going through... you and your mom are in my thoughts. 


Ardith


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